The Bible According to
Kevin Smith
By: Mr. Kritik
The Coming of The Affleck
And it came to pass that the Renegades, Bartleby (Ben Affleck) and the angel of death, who was called Loki (Matt Damon), were exiled from Heaven, and cast into Wisconsin. There they would stay for all of time.
The Prophecy of Azrael
Azrael the demon (Jason Lee) will make contact with the Renegades, planting the seeds of legalistic loop-holes in Dogmatic Law. The misguided Cardinal Glick (George Carlin) shall unveil the holy talisman of the Buddy Christ, and reinstate a forgotten Catholic law that may allow the Renegades back into Heaven there by negating existance.
Chronicle of The Last Zion
The surly British Seraphim that is the Metatron (Alan Rickman) appeared before the woman, whose name was Bethany (Linda Fiorentino), and charged her with a holy crusade. The Metatron said that God would send two Prophets to protect her on her quest. Bethany was the Last Zion, and this meant that she was related to Jesus Christ. In the beginning Bethany resisted her God-given quest, but when she came to grips with her station in life, and amongst the kingdom of God, she accepted her mission wholly.
Acts of the Prophets
The prophets Jay & Silent Bob will be sent to support the Last Zion, and in her name, and the name of the Lord they will battle the evil Mighty Ducks, Golgatha the Shitdemon, Azrael and the Renegades. They will get high, curse, try to fuck the Last Zion, and provide enough comic relief for several movies.
Jay 3:16
For God so loved the world that he sent Serendipidity (Salma Hayek) that whosoever shall watch this movie will have a big tittied woman to look at.
The Gospel of St. Rufus
Rufus will make known the white conspiracy amongst the Church. He will also provide the audience with translation from the Biblical litany to plain talk, that those who haven't been to Bible College will understand more than the basic plot line.
Book of the Kritik
And it came to pass that the righteous Mr. Kritik partook in viewing the newest Kevin Smith film, Dogma.
Here I must make mention fo Salma Hayek's declaration that God is actually a woman, I say this here because it did not fit humorously into any other place in this highly heretical review. I also don't want to ruin the end of the movie but I feel I must mention that in the climax God is played by Alanis Morissette. Dogma also features Bud Cort, Jeff Anderson, Brian O'Halloran, Janeane Garofalo, Betty Aberlin, Dwight Ewell, Guinevere Turner, Bryan Johnson, Walter Flanagan, Jared Peennigwerth, Kitao Sakurai and Barrett Hackney.
This movie is like a slap in the face to the Church of Christ, Catholic, Evangelical, Protestants, whatever. Why? Because it seems that Christians are unable to take anything as only entertainment. Why? Who knows, Christians are touchy that way. Now I'm pretty sure that Kevin Smith didn't make this movie to make fun of God, or the church, or anyone in particular, and not just because of the disclaimers at the beginning of this flick.
Dogma gets a 3 1/2 Elements rating. It lost points for being a Kevin Smith film with a clear point. Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, 3 great flicks but their bigges point is that they were simple. Dogma was way too epic for a Kevin Smith movie. I also think that Jay & Silent Bob were way too much main characters, granted they were hilarious through out the whole movie, but I liked better their role in Mallrats, they weren't around enough in Clerks, or Chasing Amy. Other than Chris Rock not being angry enough, and Salma Hayek not being naked enough, I couldn't find any other problems with Dogma.
"I don't need a compas to tell me which way the wind shines!"
-Ben Stiller, Mystery Men
A Note From Mark
If you haven't noticed already, there is a whole lot of stuff on this page about uptight Christians. If you haven't noticed, then read the Bulletin Board and the Thoughts page. If this doesn't show you what a semester on a Bible College campus does to you, then I don't know what will.