A Very Bad Movie & Samuel L. Jackson
by: Mr. Kritik
I saw the movie "Deep Blue Sea" the other day, on video. I did not pay to rent it, my little brother did. I regret not seeing it in the theatre, but not really because it was such a bad movie!!! I could not in good conscience give this movie recommendation except as a sacrifice for some pagan ritual, and since those usually involve virgins, or still beating hearts of some kind, I doubt that it would work.
Let's see, the basic plot of this movie, well let's just say the plot is nearly non-existant. This movie should have been called either "Man-Eating Sharks on Parade," or at least "Jaws 4: What the Hell Were We Thinking!?!"
Ok, so here is the story. Some big time executive comes to this shark research center that just floats in the middle of the ocean. At this research center this woman scientist has discovered the cure for Alzheimer's, by taking a chemical out of the sharks' brains. Well a normal size shark brain did not have enough apparently, so she made them bigger, smarter, and more human eating. So the sharks start killing everybody. Further proof that women should not be allowed to be in charge of important, or potentially dangerous situations or projects.
Well I must give the makers of this movie credit. They certainly know how to ruin a movie with potential. Many of the death scenes were done poorly. No, poorly is the wrong word, these scenes sucked! They tried to make them sudden and shocking and they turned out to be just unexpected and laugable. Then they were all ruined by cheesy computer animation of the sharks eating the victims underwater.
The only two survivors of this tragedy [and I am referring to the movie, not the events therein] are LL Cool J and a "Shark Wrangler" who thought he was revising Kevin Costner's character from "Waterworld." Not that I'm comparing a wonderful epic to this poorly doned film. The movie would have been better it LL Cool J would have started every line he had with, "I'm black," and ended every line with, "Oh, and by the way, I'm LL Cool J." And they definately should have killed the "Shark Wrangler," I mean seriously, he was a "Shark Wrangler," how do you wrangle a shark-or anything else for that matter. I also feel I should add that in every single slow motion running scene in this God-awful movie this guy was falling down, or getting up, or both. I guess they were trying make it dramatic, but they failed, miserably!
The only saving grace of this movie might have been Samuel L. Jackson-the only real actor in the movie, and might I add I can't believe a great actor such as Sammy would prostitute himself to a movie like this-except that he is killed rather early on in the film.
However, Mr. Jackson's actual acting was superb as always, from the point where he came on screen for the first time, until he was eaten. He played a "suit" of some kind, you know, those coporate bastards we all hate! But he did it so well, that you don't hold it against him because he's Samuel L. Jackson!! However, I hope that he never does this again, because movies like "Deep Blue Sea" can ruin a good actors career (much like Wesley Snipes & Patrick Swayzey when they did "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything"). At any rate, even Samuel L. Jackson does not justify watching this movie, he does deserve his own rating because he is just that far beyond the rest of the cast, not to mention the actual movie. And for his superb performance, Sammy gets 3 Elements, he would have gotten 5, but he lost points for poor judgement in even being in this atrocity.
I can thank "Deep Blue Sea" for one thing at least. The makers of this movie have proven two things beyond a shadow of a doubt. That is takes more than Samuel L. Jackson to make a movie worth watching, altough I had not previously realized that. Also it takes more that senseless killing, lots of blood, and a strip-tease scene with a pretty girl to make a good horror movie. A fact I had also been previously unaware.
I'm going to give this movie 1/2 Element, because LL Cool J lived at the end, and we all know the last thing we need is a white man's shark killing more black folks! Power to the People!!
"A black man gots enough ways to die without climbing some damn mountain."
-LL Cool J (I doubt his character actually had a name,
it would have detracted from his LL Cool J-ness)
A Note From Mark
I saw this movie wiith Mr. Kritik, and it was bad. Very, very, very bad. Oooohhhh soooo bad. I do like Samuel L. Jackson though, he is the man. Much love to the Brunching Shuttlecocks. We love you guys.