"I KNOW what you've been doing Flo. You've been sampling the 7-UP that sits next to you in the fridge." Her face went pale, then appeared frozen. She thought I wouldn't notice, and even tried to deny it. But there it was, all those tiny bubbles, sitting in a perfect que, one after another, in her line. I explained to her, in my most firm and serious voice, that if there were any further drinking like this, an intervention would be held, and she'll immediately be sent to REHAB, followed by nightly 7A Meetings. Bubbles might be okay if your name is Lawrence Welk, but NOT when you are named FLO. I made it perfectly clear that Flo has a responsibility to remain perfectly clear.

Flo and I added another grandmother on Monday night, and the results are in. Six nanograms are better than five nanograms. Therefore, I have high hopes for seven, and eight, and nine. Good thing too, because I hear tell that I'm slated to inherit at least TWENTY of these puppies by this summer. But don't mention this to any of those Side Effects guys. It must be that they are either in jail, or possibly distracted right now by a prolonged gig someplace else because, surprisingly, they haven't been showing up here much. Take a lesson from this. If you ever have to invite Flo to live with you, check their website first, and make very sure the Side Effects are well booked up with other gigs so they can't fit you into their schedule. I only learned this serendipitously. Pretty lucky, huh?

Have you ever had a Picc Line? They're a little like an AIRline. At least mine is. It LOOKS like a little airplane with little wings. It FEELS like a huge jetliner that flew into my arm, came to a crashing halt, and therefore decided to use my vein for a hangar. I didn't mind too much, until one day I noticed it had decided to paint it's new enviornment RED. And Red is not my favorite friend, especially when accompanied by his best buddy, Swelling. Well, to relieve your anxiety, I'll tell you right now that I pulled out the Big Guns and got rid of both of them. Ahhh......what DID we do before Neosporin? After emptying an entire 48 oz tube of that stuff in one fell swoop, those guys ran for their lives!

While I'm telling you everything else, I may as well fill you in on this too. The daily shower, as I knew it, has gone through a major metamorphosis. This is Flo's fault, of course. She says it will all improve as soon as she convinces the doctor to replace Ms Picc Line with Ms Hickman Catheter. BUT I'm not sure I believe her. Remember, she already lied about the Seven-Up. Well, in the meantime, the Simple Daily Shower has been replaced with The Shallow Tepid Bath Sans One Arm Submerged, followed by Wash Your Hair In The Sink But Not Until Wrapping One Entire Roll Of Saran Wrap Around Your Arm In Case Of Splashing But Then Your Arm Can't Bend So Just Use Your Left Hand To Wash Your Hair. If I get up early enough each morning, I can have this task accomplished a couple of minutes before the family puts dinner on the table.

I will leave you with one last thought, and it is this: You know you are really sick when the Medic Alert lady tells you that, in order for just your most essential medical information to fit, YOU WILL NEED THE EXTRA LARGE SIZED MEDALLION.

I have forgiven Flo for her sins, including her experimentation with Seven-Up. My heart softened as I began to realize that she had redeemed herself by being such a hard worker. She seems to work more and more as each week goes by. Yep, I have certified proof. You see, when I first brought her home, I was satisfied if I could just toss the covers up a little on the bed. Then last week, I actually MADE the bed. This morning............are you sitting down?...........I CHANGED THE SHEETS!!! Flo has also managed to accomplish the nearly impossible task of making both of the cats happy as well. They are now receiving litter box cleanings on an AS needed basis, rather than a LESS than needed basis. They are both equally overjoyed at having to no longer wonder if this is one of the days the food bowl filling ritual will be skipped. Yes, Flo has a way of energizing our household. She is one of those creatures that gives back much more than she takes.

Now I just hope that Flo can forgive ME of MY sins. Tonight she confronted me with an issue that made her so furious that she was hot with anger. It happened during The Nightly Changing of The Cassette ritual. And when I say she was hot, I mean HOT. Just as I retrieved the fresh ice packs from the freezer she yelled at me, "WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME! I've been sweating in here ALL DAY LONG!" All I could think was YIKES!! I'd forgotten her morning ice packs! I apologized. She said it was okay, and that she had already taken out her revenge anyway, by making me feel crummy all evening long. Sheesh. I have to tell you, I've searched the instruction manual from Headquarters through and through, and didn't find the answer I was looking for. So, this must be one of those UNWRITTEN rules about Flo........you know.......the one that says "Every conceivable mistake MUST be made a minimum of once. But more often if you are an idiot".

Flo has become quite aware that family life here is full of rituals. Naturally her favorite is The Nightly Changing of The Cassette. However, The Evening Couch Potato Exercise comes in a close second for her, especially on American Idol night. She gives this show her full attention by sitting squarely in her seat. Her favorite judge is Simon. Upon inquiry as to why, her reply was "He's so wonderfully cold". When the show came to an end last night, Flo announced that next year she is entering the contest. That's when the banter back and forth began. "Flo, you can't SING", said I. "Yes, I can", said she. "Well, I'VE never heard you", I insisted. "That's because I sing in the fridge", she argued. I didn't believe her, of course, but to humor her I asked, "Okay, so if you DID go to the auditions next year, just WHAT would you sing?" Without hesitation she replied "That Hawaiian song,'Tiny Bubbles', and Johnny Cash's 'Walk The Line'". I could see it was time for a reality check. ! "But Flo, contests like this can become so DISCOURAGING". "I can stay pumped up", she replied. She had a point. Then I asked the most stupid of all questions,"But, what if you ended up having a hit? How would you distribute it?" "Cassettes", she replied.