The fact that I was 'home alone' for the first of the eternal cassette changes was pretty frightening for Flo. In fact a chill went up her spine when she heard the turning of the screw. She started screaming something about a clamp. I told her to knock it off. I was reading the instructions as fast as I could, and when I got to the clamps section I would do something about it! With that she started screaming for the nurse and was not pleased when I responded "You're lookin' at her honey". Ahhh.....so little training.......so many procedures. Just wait until she gets a load of today's agenda. Don't tell her this, but it's line, pump, and dressing change day!
You have to understand that Flo is a very unique individual. Even the nurses who "know about PH" on the hospital floor earlier this week seemed somewhat unfamiliar with her. For instance, on day two of my stay a 1940s era nurse came bouncing into my room with a list of things "we" were going to do today. I instantly felt five years old again. She actually said---and I kid you not---"Since you are now on your medicine, and are feeling much better, you are going to get out of that bed, take a shower, etc,etc, etc, and blah, blah, blah". There was more, but I couldn't hear her over the performing Side Effects group I told you about before. Nurse1940 didn't pay much attention to them of course, because after all, I was ON THE MEDICINE now. I can only conclude from this experience that for the rest of my life I will be explaining Flo and her idiot-syncrocies to all who cross my path. I've heard a rumor that I will also have to take great care to protect her. I hear that her personality tends to put medical folks into a mood where they just want to turn her off, especially during emergencies. And we simply can't have that, now can we.
Some of Flo's friends from the reservation found her new address and have come for a visit. I think the one guy, Jaw Pain, brought his bags. You don't suppose he's planning to LIVE here, do you? I called the Bureau of Reservation Affairs, but they didn't know what I was talking about. I may as well have been speaking near Chinese! So, I don't have a clue as to WHAT his agenda is, but I'm getting suspicious it has something to do with food because I notice he only shows up for meals. I've asked Flo about him, but she just stares back and gives me an icy snicker.
Now, please understand, Flo has her good points. Last night was a good example. Flo joined the entire family for our evening couch potato exercise. It was during this time I decided to demonstrate for Flo the use of my friend Oximeter. To my surprise Oximeter was able to reach numbers he hadn't accomplished in a very long time! He tried out 96, then 97, and best of all 98!!! So we talked to my other friend Oxygen Tank, and gave him our regrets that we might not be needing so much of him around here any more! We reduced his dose from 3L to 2L and Oximeter calmly remained at 92 and above for the rest of the evening. I shed a tear and gave Flo a great big hug.
The headlines read "Local Home Explodes / Internal Pressures To Blame". Well, it was ALMOST that bad. Picture three people working together, out of sync, on their first "Home Alone Dressing Change". Flo was the only one present who wasn't shouting "No! No! It goes THIS way, not THAT way!", and that's probably because she was in shock. We finally covered her with a sterile towel and told her not to look. By 2:00am we were finally all in bed. That's when it hit me. I THINK WE DID SOME STUFF WRONG! But then again, maybe not. In the morning I checked with Headquarters. You can always trust Headquarters. She has been a PH nurse since 1990 and seems to know EVERYTHING. Most importantly, Headquarters is very calm and extremely skilled at handling out of control, over anxious, freaked out patients who have forgotten half of what she taught them in the hospital just two days ago. I can only hope she doesn't think I wasn't paying attention. Perhaps I forgot to tell her about my condition. You know------the one you get on your 50th birthday------Teflon Brain Syndrome. Not much seems to stick anymore. Well, it turns out we only made two mistakes, one minor, the other major. The good news is, I'm going to live. We're not sure about Flo's condition yet. When we asked her how she was feeling this morning she simply gave us the cold shoulder.
Cooking for Flo is getting easier as I become more familiar with her special recipe each day. In reality it's more like BAKING than cooking though. You know how cooking is. Throw a little of this in, then a little of that until it seems right. Not so with baking. You must be very exacting with each measurement in the recipe or your brownies will NOT turn out right. Just ask my niece. She was twelve when she made her first brownies at my house. She swore up and down that she followed the recipe exactly, even though the brownies blew up to twelve times their normal size after only ten minutes in the oven. After intense interrogation, with my playing both Good Cop AND Bad Cop, she finally admitted to translating the 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda into 1/2 cup. You can see where this kind of mistake would NOT go over well with Flo, not to mention that at the moment my line is very Piccy as well. And speaking of recipes, I was just telling Flo today that next week we get to play like Emeril and "kick it up a notch!". Yep, she's going to get TWO blue cap bottles. She got so excited she began to shiver.
There are so many "First Times" when you're trying to get to know Flo. Today was the "Change The Pump and Line First Time". Naturally, we had to call Headquarters once again. She has actually given us very good written instructions, and we DO know how to read, but It seems that First Times have a way of bringing on overwhelming tension that permeates your very skin cells. Flo should be happy hers are plastic. All I can say is that it's a good thing a person only has to go through a First Time ONCE. I mean, that IS true, isn't it? By the very nature of the title it should be! The only possible downside could be that "Second Times" may be bad too. I don't know. I haven't done them yet. Except for the "Recipe" of course. And that IS getting better, like I said before. Maybe by this time next year I won't need the instruction book from Headquarters so much. I've heard rumors that something wonderful comes into your life at that point. I think they call it "Second Nature". Yep, that's it! Everyone tells me that living with Flo will become "Second Nature". Sounds lovely, doesn't it? Well, I have THIS to say about THAT. Second Nature is all fine and good for down the road, but I happen to be living in the present, and for right now FLO IS HOLDING THE ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD CAPTIVE BY KICKING US All OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONE! ------ I'm sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice. I'm calmer now. I'll just concentrate on tomorrow. TOMORROW THERE ARE NO FIRST TIMES FOR ANYTHING!! Okay. I feel much better now.
Oh! I almost forgot! We had an additional First Time this evening; this one by choice. We all took Flo out to dinner. Yep, we sure did! We gathered ourselves together, hopped in the van, pulled out of the garage, and suddenly my husband stopped, then asked "Did you bring the back-up supplies?". Once I said "No" we all let out a scream of shock over which we seemed to have no control. Good thing for us that we live in a retirement community. Nobody could hear us. See what Flo is doing to us? Don't worry though, we'll get stronger. Headquarters told me so. Anyway, we fixed that problem and Flo started to relax for the first time today. We all enjoyed the dinner and ,oddly enough, Chief Big Jaw Pain didn't show up. However, that other guy, the one who insists you excuse yourself from the table, he showed up suddenly. And I hadn't seen him in days! Anyway, after we got home I asked Flo if she enjoyed the outing. She did. Once in a while she noticed she was getting a few stares, but says she's used to that and soon I will be too. Then she told me the real truth. Dinner is not her favorite outing, because of being on such a special diet and all. What she REALLY likes to do is go dancing. I told her that would have to wait until I felt a little better, or more truthfully, a LOT better. She sighed. And then, out of curiousity, I asked her just what kind of dancing she liked. I'm sure you've already guessed.........Line Dancing. I should have known.