Part 23
It is with mixed emotions that Flo and I announce that tonight is, in all probability, our last chance to chat with you for a couple of weeks. Although the movers do not actually have us penciled in for another week yet, tomorrow is a RED LETTER DAY for us. Yep! We finally get to use our Get Out of Jail Free card and end this intolerable ISOLATION. You see, within the next 15 hours Flo and I will make the trek to the airport to pick up my dearest friend so she can be here in my very house to help me survive the last week of moving. As I'm sure you know, Regular Issue Friends would not make such a sacrifice, and that's how I know this friend has acheived "Dearest Friend Status". And I believe anyone who gets to have a friend from that most coveted list is indeed a lucky duck, so this is why I've been quacking up a lot lately.
Now, please understand, Flo and I did NOT invite her here to help pack. In fact, we are now 97.2% packed, if you don't count Flo's belongings. Yep. We are finally at that packing point where nearly all common and useful objects are now hidden inside opaque, and inadequately labeled, cardboard boxes which are taped well enough to require a buzz saw to open them. My son needed two items this evening before he could leave the house for a farewell party being given in his honor. He was mildly upset over item (1), his misplaced car keys, but over item (2), a single, yet not to be found, rubber band to put around his stack of CDs, he had a MAJOR MELTDOWN! I can't blame him though. In some ways our efforts to prepare for this move HAVE proven overzealous. Yesterday we packed one of the cats. But one thing we know for sure around here now is: If you can't find something, it's not LOST, it's PACKED.
So, why DID we invite my friend here if the packing is all done, you ask? Simple. To help me wrap up the Last Minute Details. And the Last Minute Details list is very long indeed. First, there are the important details, like attending the House Closing, the Final Signing of the long awaited Final Papers of the Final Annulment, and supervising the Moving Men on Moving Day so as to make absolutely sure they DON'T leave any of the opaque, inadequately labeled, cardboard boxes behind. And even more importantly, to make sure they DO leave the city trash can, and the neighbor's dog, behind. So, after taking care of the important details on the Last Minute Details list, there should still be time to take care of the MORE important details, which include such essentials as coloring my hair, getting an updated, classy haircut, catching a movie where we can both laugh enough to forget we have any troubles, and enjoying dinner together at any restaurants I may have missed during my stay here......you know......IMPORTANT STUFF.
As far as Flo is concerned, even in the middle of all this turmoil, she seems to be settling in amazingly well. Her RASH behavior is finally under control. However, Flo DID end up going through a bout of betadine withdrawal, but after two weeks in Rehab, and a 12 Step Program, she's doing just fine. Our new dance step with Nanogram #15, now named the Slow Titrate Waltz, is working so well it deserves a prize for turning down the volume of The Side Effects. Yep. I estimate their decibles have dropped by 78.2%! It's not that they don't play here anymore, it's just that they seem to kind of show up only "now and then", "here and there", "on and off", "more or less". Do you see what I mean? Well, this all reminds me of ANOTHER somewhat related story I have to tell you. I NEVER, in a MILLION YEARS, thought this would happen. But yesterday the phone rang. It was a young man. AND IT WAS FOR FLO! You could have knocked me over with her tubing! After her conversation she explained the call was from her BOYFRIEND! Can you believe this?! She claims to have met him at the grocery store, while I was busy checking prices and filling my cart. She says they have a lot in common because he loves working in the Frozen Food Department and the Dairy Case. This is simply unbelievable to me! HOWEVER, I have to admit, after learning his name, I finally can see how they get along so well. In fact, they go together just as well as Salt and Pepper, or Peanut Butter and Jelly, or Ham and Eggs. You see, it turns out his name is Ebb. So just like my new routine with The Side Effects, this new couple is most appropriately known as "Ebb and Flo".
Part 24
As Flo and I sit here in our lovely little office of our lovely new home with the beautiful view out the windows of pine trees laden with puffy white snow, we can't believe we've made it this far. It was early last August that we last reported to you and I must admit it has been a LONG and EVENTFUL journey since then. Yes indeedy, we have accomplished the unaccomplishable. Just after our last talk with you we finally obtained a final annulment, the final papers having been signed on the day before the final moving day. The final house closing in Utah was signed, sealed, and delivered on that same final day. When the moving van pulled away we finished packing two vehicles with all the typical cargo for a trip from Utah to Vermont. This included fifty green canisters of oxygen, one large oxygen concentrator, five pounds of oxygen tubing, fifty pounds of dry ice, one pair of large space shuttle gloves with which to handle the dry ice, six weeks worth of Flo's supplies, four weeks worth of other PH meds, four boxes of important stuff not to be trusted with the movers, two boxes of important documents, three boxes of not very important stuff, two cats in two carriers, five pounds of cat food, ten pounds of litter, two weeks worth of feline sedation, twenty-five maps, and two drivers. It was a tight fit but our load lightened as the dry ice mysteriously disappeared.
This typically four day cross country jaunt only took ten days. You guessed right, we took the SNAIL TRAIL, which, in case you didn't know, is the ONLY route PH patients are allowed to travel. The journey WAS eventful, with one trip to the E.R. before we got past the Utah border, one meeting with a tornado in Iowa, and a visit in Toledo with friends, followed by another visit in Rochester with our dear PH friends Carol L, Mr.Dennis, and his lovely wife Princess Irene. And can you believe they THREW A BIRTHDAY PARTY for me??!! It was, indeed, quite a competition, but it ended up that Mr.Dennis threw it the farthest.
We drove on from Rochester to Vermont, but by that time we already knew that it would only be a temporary stop. You see, three days into the trip, somewhere in Wyoming I think, my niece called our hotel room from Vermont to report an EPIPHANY. Do you know what an EPIPHANY is? Well I didn't either, but I do NOW. An EPIPHANY is something that makes you want to live in Maine instead of Vermont. So, in reality, an EPIPHANY makes Karen & Flo move twice instead of once, and therefore at exactly 10:07 a.m. on September 22nd, we aquired a brand new mortgage on our new permanent address in Maine, three miles from the beach, just down the road from George and Barbara.
Please know that during ALL of this, Flo and I were simultaneously, and diligently, working to increase our collection of Nanograms so we could get enough of them on our team to beat the PH Team. Every tiny one CC increase would make me soooo sick of those Side Effects performances. But we have finally collected seventeen Nanograms, and they must be very talented, because they are doing the job. Yep, our team is beating the PH Team 17 to 0 now! HOWEVER, I feel I simply MUST issue a warning. All of this activity, while titrating up with Flo, was WAY OVER THE TOP. I would not want to do it again. And I would NOT recommend it to anyone else. So here it is:
***WARNING***
***DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME***
***These stunts are only to be performed by PROFESSIONAL idiots***