Flo can be so very funny. She has been keeping me in stitches for three weeks now. Then, right in the middle of The Dressing Change, THEY WERE GONE! Well, ONE of them was. And the other stitch was barely hanging on for dear life. My understanding is that Picc Lines DO NOT like to go stitchless, so off to the Local Hospital Infusion Center we go. That's a place where they keep all the new stitches, should you happen to run out. They also have other stuff there, like new claves. Flo and I just happened to be in the market for a new clave. You see, ours was STUCK. No matter how we twisted it, turned it, kicked it, or yelled at it, IT WOULD NOT COME APART. So while we were shopping for new stitches, we asked the nice Infusion Lady for her best clave advice. Like any entrepeneur, she didn't want to simply give advice, she wanted to do the job, and CHANGE THE CLAVE FOR US. Now, I am well aware that Flo is terrified of receiving services of any kind from someone who doesn't know he! r well, so I kindly declined. And when I did, the previously nice Infusion Lady made a face and complained "You don't trust me!" My reaction was immediate, and without thought, when I threw my hand over Flo's mouth just in time to muffle her words "YOU BET WE DON'T TRUST YOU!" I politely explained that Flo has a very unusual make-up and I would have to do lots of special stuff once her clave was removed. "Well, we DO that here! It's our area of EXPERTISE!", the Infusion Lady exclaimed. "Well", said I, "there would be priming to do with the new clave and all, so I think I'll pass and try doing this at home during the next line change". Have you ever seen an Infusion Lady dance? Believe me, it's not pretty. She finally turned her attention to our new stitches, and not a word passed between us for quite some time. Finally, she broke the silence, and stated "You know, I can prime that for you. See, all I have to do is..............SNAP THIS CLAMP SHUT.........WHICH SHE DID!....! ...THE ONE ON THE CATHETER LINE! While Flo sat next to me, choking an d fainting, I kept intensely steady eye contact with the Infusion Lady while I slowly reached over and unsnapped the clamp. She continued with her explanation, "And then I would simply FLUSH THE LINE WITH SALINE". At that point, Flo ran out of the room, and with her attachment disorder and all, I had no choice but to follow. In defense of the Infusion Lady, I must say her stitches look nice and feel comfortable. But don't mention that I told you this, because it's not safe to bring her name up in front of Flo yet.
A couple of days later we checked with Headquarters, and as usual, she solved the problem. So the clave issue is now history, and Flo is breathing regularly once again. And good thing too, because today we added one more grandmother to the mix, making for 7 nanograms. And that's not even the BEST NEWS. Are you ready for the BEST NEWS? Well I CERTAINLY AM! Oh......wait.........I didn't tell you what it is yet! Well, sit down. Here it is: Tomorrow........first thing........I get to call the surgeon and arrange for MY HICKMAN!!! Are you as excited as I am? Of course you're not. You aren't the one wearing this stupid Picc Line.
Do you know what I have learned over the years? Some people are slower than others. I have actual proof. I am slow at everything I do, so there's the proof. I eat slow, I walk slow, I clean slow, One summer I was a counselor at a girls' camp. There were 260 girls. No matter what place I took in line during meals, back of the line, middle of the line, or FRONT of the line, I noticed that I was always the LAST ONE DONE EATING. Do you need more proof? Well, here it is. For years it has been common knowledge that when a person first starts to mix and feed Flo, it takes them about an hour, and then when they get really good at it, the time decreases dramatically. Today, after exactly three weeks of practice, I am finally DOWN to one hour. Flo says this is because I'm a perfectionist. I thought this was a perfectly rude thing to say to me, especially when I have been trying so perfectly hard to handle her perfectly. So I told her to shut up and enjoy her perfect meal.
It was 3:30 a.m. The house was quiet, except for the Grandfather clock, the cats catching fake mice, and Flo's wheezing. Everyone was asleep. One minute later, NOBODY WAS ASLEEP, because without warning, Flo was experiencing her first EMERGENCY! There should be a prize, or a ribbon, or a medal for The First Emergency. At the very least, a bumper sticker.
It all started with my awakening because I felt too hot. Women know what I mean. Men will just have to imagine it. Flo CANNOT imagine it. Well, to make a long story longer, the pajamas had to come off. It quickly became obvious we had not used enough detangler that morning. The pajamas, the oxygen tubing, and Flo's line were all competing for the same space. In frustration I screamed, "FLO, is there something WRONG with you tonight?". Her perplexing answer was "I'm a frayed knot". So I figured, since there's NOT something wrong, I'll go back to sleep. After a moment or two I thought I heard her nervously whisper, "I feel like I'm at loose ends". So I turned on the light, and SHE WAS! Her ends were all over the place! For the first time ever, her Attachment Disorder DIDN'T EXIST! Then the words came into my head...THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!
As everyone knows, PANIC and CONFUSION are supposed to accompany EMERGENCIES. And I'm proud to say that I gave it every effort to employ both of them. I turned all the lights in the house on while simultaneously screaming "WE NEED HELP AROUND HERE, PEOPLE". Pretty good multi-tasking, don't you think? Everyone flew to the kitchen. Then flew back.......to retrieve glasses to see with...........and to close blinds so as to not be seen pajamaless by the sleeping neighbors. During all this flight, I held Flo tightly so she wouldn't be so scared of her tubing flinging hinder and yon, touching every non-sterile surface in sight.
Finally, back at the kitchen, words started flowing into my andrenalin soaked brain. They were isolated words and phrases, but important nevertheless.......CONTAMINATION.......CLAMPING OFF........SHORT HALF-LIFE.......RESTORE THE FLOW........LINE CHANGE........CASSETTE TUBING..........MORE CONTAMINATION......BACKUP CASSETTE......ALCHOHOL!!!! Yes! Alcohol! That's what you ALWAYS do first! So I emptied a bottle of it on the counter. My mind kept saying "GET CLEAN........AND DO IT FAST!!!" So we washed all hands one minute's worth in 30 seconds. All supplies were gathered and thrown on the counter fast enough to impress Guinness. The ticking clock was our enemy, but speed was our friend.
Flo was in a panic by now. I guess that shows I've taught her well. But she had a RIGHT to be. Because she knew that the one procedure that was NOT MEMORIZED yet was THE LINE CHANGE! But what she didn't know was how much a brain remembers when it is swimming in adrenaline. Yes, yes, we looked at the instructions from Headquarters, just to make her feel more confident. BUT we actually found ourselves on automatic pilot as we replaced her cassette and then her tubing. Once everything sterile was back in place, we primed, we connected, we unclamped, and we started her pump! Then we loudly exclaimed with great relief, "WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!!!". Flo whispered in my ear, "Can you explain to me what that means?". I answered "I'M A FRAYED KNOT."