�Colonel O�Neill?� I had asked once the two women had left, my curiosity piqued once again. �He�he�s not been confirmed dead has he?� I asked and I could see the Colonel�s eyes widen in surprise.
�What�what makes you think that, Quinn?� He had asked and I sighed, fumbling in my tired brain to try and put a feeling into words.
�When�when Doctor Janet and Major Carter talk about him�about Jonas.� Somehow it felt wrong not using the man�s name when I was pretty sure now he wasn�t dead. �Their eyes�they�re sad but�there�s still�I don�t know.� I looked at the floor as I searched for the word, �...hope? It�s like, they�re trying to convince themselves he�s dead but at the same time clinging on to the hope that he might still be alive.� I waited for a few seconds and then frowned softly when the Colonel didn�t answer. �Does that make sense to you, Sir?� I asked and when I lifted my eyes to his he had a very strange look on his face.
�You know, for a six year old alternate universe alien, you�re pretty smart.� He gave a little chuckle as he clapped in me on the back and I smiled shyly back. I wasn�t used to getting compliments.
Still. I noticed he still hadn�t answered my question and I felt safe enough to press the issue.
�I�m right, aren�t I? Jonas isn�t dead.�
�He�s�he�s dead to us here.� Colonel O�Neill replied. �And he could well be dead in real life. But we have no conclusive proof that he�s dead or alive. He was taken from us by a Goa�uld called Nirti. The Goa�ulds are a story for another day but basically she was evil. She took him to experiment on his DNA and we have no idea which planet she took him to.�
There was nothing I could think to say to that and my reply of, �Oh.� Sounded so pathetic I wished I�d never brought the subject up in the first place.
�There are some who find it easier to think of him as dead than think of him still alive, probably suffering and us not being able to do anything about it. Other people find it easier to imagine he�s on his way back. We have friends looking for him throughout the universe, a lot of people hope they�ll find him.�
�And you, Sir?� I asked, looking into those tormented dark eyes. �What do you hope?� I knew the answer I received would tell me a lot about the man before me.
�I hope.� He started, gripping my shoulder a little tighter, �I hope I don�t make the same mistakes with you as I did when I first met him.�
I wanted to ask more but Colonel O�Neill cut me off by opening the door to Jonas� office and we stepped inside. I gasped as I crossed the threshold as I saw a framed photograph hung high on the wall. Colonel O�Neill had Jonas in a headlock whilst major Carter and Teal�c exchanged exasperated views. Doctor Fraiser and a small, bald man I didn�t recognise looked on disapprovingly but with smiles twitching at the corner of their mouths too.
As I walked to get a closer look at the photo, my eyes were drawn to a smaller photo on the desk. It was of Jonas and Doctor Fraiser but in this picture I had a clear view of Jonas� face. And as I gazed at the image I had a slight twinge of what I suppose the cooks in the cafeteria had felt. This man looked�he was�he was me. I couldn�t believe it. But then, as I picked the photo up, I became aware of slight differences. This Jonas had green eyes like me but his�his shone with happiness and curiosity whereas mine were dull and frightened. His face was also more filled out with unblemished skin. My face was pale with a multitude of scars. I turned to the other wall and stared into the mirror there and for a split second I was sure I saw Jonas staring out at me. The image was gone as soon as it came though and I ignored it � focussing on my reflection and comparing it to the man in the photo.
I had a slightly rounded scar just above my right eyebrow where I had been stabbed there by another slave attempting to gouge my eye out. At the top right of my forehead was a small, thin scar where I had scraped my head on a rock when collapsing unconscious. Snaking round the back of my neck and onto my left cheek was a red weal that had got infected and never properly healed after a supervisor had whipped me while drunk. My hair was also much shorter, keeping it short kept the lice away and meant I didn�t have to waste precious water on washing it.
Compared to the man in the photo I was a total mess. Why would anyone on this planet ever want me when there was no way I could even compare to this man? This man was a, a genius, a hero and I was�I was a flawed, worthless slave. It was with mournful eyes that I turned to Jack O�Neill and delivered in the most emotionless voice I could muster,
�I can�t replace him.�
Colonel O�Neill looked away at this and then closed his eyes and sighed �I know.� I wasn�t used to seeing the Colonel show such emotion.He looked�.upset and I sighed. Did he want me to be Jonas? Had I been too bold in my statement?
�I-I can try�� I tired to appease him. �If I grow my hair and��
�No.� He cut me off and I frowned a little. �You�re not�you�re not him. You can�t be him. I get that now.� He took a breath and then looked up with a wistful smile on his face. �When I first saw you in the infirmary I�it was like he was back - back with us. I mean�you know how much you look like him.�
I nodded. I could understand.
�And all those days while you were unconscious in the infirmary I would sit there and pretend you were him. And even though I knew you weren�t, it just took the pain away a little to pretend that he wasn�t really gone.�
Again, this I understood, I had pretended a lot as I was growing up. Pretended my life was all just a dream, pretended the pain I was feeling wasn�t really there � pretended I wasn�t scared, but in the end I knew�
�It doesn�t last. It just makes things worse.� I sighed and he nodded.
�It wasn�t until you woke up that I knew it�it really wasn�t him. And�I, to be honest, I resented you at first because you weren�t him. I know it�s not fair to you and it was totally out of order but I�d spent so long pretending you were him that when I was finally forced to face the fact that you weren�t�I guess it was just easier to get angry than to deal with grief.�
I nodded again. I�d only felt anger the one time but I remembered, as I always do, what an intoxicating emotion it could be. I imagined that was a much better emotion to feel than to have to face up to the fact that a loved one was never returning to you.
�So I didn�t visit for the first few days, left it to Sam and the Doc to tell me what was happening with you and I tried not to care because you weren�t Jonas. But then I remembered�I don�t know what triggered it but I remembered this was how I�d treated Jonas when he first came to the planet. And after you�ve spent night after night regretting every bad thing you�ve ever said or done to someone because you know you�re never going to get a chance to apologise to them � well, you tend to think twice about how you treat people from then on.�
I smiled softly, even when spilling out his innermost thoughts the Colonel always had a trace of humour in his voice. Be it a sarcastic pun or a bitter humour like the last statement had held � humour was always the Colonel�s first defence.
�So I thought about it more and it lead me to thinking, what if you�re my second chance? What if, you�re here for me to make up for the things I did this version�s universe of you? So, that�s when I invited you out for jello and don�t think I didn�t notice the way those cook�s stares affected you, Quinn.�
I started at that. I�I had been sure he hadn�t noticed. I raised my eyebrows slightly as the shock settled in � I guessed these Earthlings weren�t as unobservant as I thought.
�And the more time I spent with you the more I realised�you weren�t Jonas and how I treated you wasn�t going to make a damn difference to Jonas and it wasn�t going to change the past. The only people it was gonna affect was me and my conscience. And I saw your eyes when you looked at that photo, Quinn, and I realised all I�ve done throughout the weeks you�ve been here is compare you to Jonas. And with a past like I�ve just heard about�there�s no wonder you�re so different.�
I looked away. I hadn�t meant for anyone else to know about my previous life. Not after seeing Major Carter�s reaction.
�But now I�ve gotten to know you, Quinn.� I looked up at the sound of his voice, it was happier now and I could see his eyes were smiling. �I don�t want you to be him.�
It took a second for me to digest that statement before I burst into a smile of my own. I resisted the urge to hug him like I did Major Carter knowing somehow that Colonel O�Neill might not appreciate it in the same way. I settled for.
�Thank you, Colonel O�Neill.�
�No problem kiddo.� He grinned and ruffled my hair before leaning to me ear and whispering, �And if you ever tell anyone I showed that much emotion I�ll kill ya.�
It was a sign of just how much I had adapted to this new life that I knew he was joking. I sighed as I put the photo back on the desk � I could get used to it here.