�Wh�where?� I tried to sit up but Colonel Jack�s hand on my chest pushed me back down which was when I realised I was lying down.
�Just�get your bearings a second.� I was surprised at the gentleness of Colonel Murray�s voice and I nodded, blinking a few times.
�I was in the commissary.� I spoke slowly, not sure whether I was explaining to the visitors at my bedside or myself. �And I��
�You passed out, Quinn.� Sam�s voice was concerned and sympathetic as she spoke but I couldn�t help frowning.
�Passed out�that�s impossible.� I shook my head as I sat upright. My grey eyes scanned over the assembled faces at my bedside and then to my surroundings, the infirmary. ��Impossible.� I repeated almost silently, feeling my heart drop to my stomach as the truth began to sink in.
�I hate to break it to you, but it�s not as unlikely as you think.�
I should�ve been surprised to see Lieutenant Renshaw approach, clipboard in hand, but I was too numb to feel anything as I repeated the same phrase over and over in my mind, trying to grasp the repercussions of what had happened.
�I passed out. I passed out. I�passed out.�
�Considering the fact only six months ago you were on the brink death coupled with a bout of strenuous exercise and a swift shock, it�s not all that surprising.�
I tuned back in to hear Lieutenant Renshaw�s explanation but it didn�t put me at ease and I felt a sudden bout of claustrophobia wash over me as I felt everyone�s eyes on me and the realisation that I�d actually fainted in a public place finally settled in, bringing with it both fear and panic.
�I-I�d like to get up.� I managed to stammer out, even though I was feeling too hot again and my mouth felt like it was full of cotton.
�Well�just wait a second, you�ve-�
�Please!� My voice came out far more desperate than I intended and I stared down at the bedcovers, the stiff sheets clenched in my trembling fists, as I tried to regulate my breathing �Please�I-I want to get out here.� I swallowed a lump in my throat and I suddenly felt 3 years old again, begging for a mercy I didn�t believe would be granted, my final plea was almost less than a whisper ��Please��
�Alright�ok�� I jolted nervously when I felt a hand on my back, the material of my SGC tee shirt sticking to my sweat-dampened back. �It�s alright.� It was only when the soothing voice continued that I realised it was Doctor Janet beside me.
I�d forgotten about everyone else in the room as I focused on the feeling of Doctor Janet�s delicate hand rubbing soothing circles on my back. �Please�I want�I want to��
�Okay�alright.� Doctor Janet kept hold of my hand as I shuffled off the bed, my trembling legs buckled briefly and I grabbed on the edge of the bed before finally getting my balance and shrugging off Janet�s hand as I made my way out of the infirmary alone.
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It was raining as I stepped outside and it was only then that I remembered I was only dressed in my trousers and short sleeved shirt, not exactly the best clothing for the weather. Still, the cool drops were refreshing on my skin and I exhaled deeply as I sat down, leaning against the cold metal surface of the exterior of the SGC. Raindrops splashed onto my nose and into my eyes as I tilted my head to gaze at the unfamiliar constellations in the unfamiliar Earth sky. My heart was still pounding in my chest and my breathing wasn�t quite back to normal but away from the crowds and the noise and the walls it was easier to relax somewhat. My mind still reeled with the fact that I�d actually passed out, that I�d let my guard down but, away from the concerned faces and the walls that seemed to close in I could see that I�d overreacted.
�Bit of an understatement there, Quinn.� I said to myself, running a hand through my now soaking hair. �There might have been a small chance they�d let you a team even after you passed out, but after a panic attack like that? There�s no way they�d let you in the field.� The thoughts caused my hand to curl reflexively into a fist and I felt a familiar mixture of helplessness and frustration as the only thing I had ever hoped for was ripped away.
�Well�� I mused as I saw Major Sam appear in the entrance way, �Maybe not the only thing.�
�Quinn?!� Her voice was high with shock and confusion but I was too emotionally drained to react to it. �What are you doing out here in the rain?� Her hand was on my arm as she pulled me to a standing position. �God, you�re freezing, what were you thinking? Come inside.� I obediently followed, only half convinced she wasn�t going to lead back to mirror and tell me to leave. �Come on, you need to get warm.�
�I wanted to look at the stars...� I mumbled quietly in response to her earlier question but the Major was so flustered she didn�t hear and, since she didn�t ask again, I didn�t repeat myself, following silently behind the Major.
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It was only when we reached the infirmary that I stopped as I remembered how many people had witnessed me�I didn�t even want to admit to myself what had happened�had seen me leave.
I looked at the floor as I spoke in a sad, horrified whisper before turning pleading eyes to Major Sam. �What will everyone think of me?�
�Oh Quinn�� She smiled sadly as she placed an arm around my shoulder leading me through the double doors into the infirmary. �You�re hardly the first one to go a little nuts around here.�
�Don�t�� I still couldn�t bring myself to speak above a whisper, hoping perhaps that, if I didn�t speak up, no one would notice me. Childish, I know, but I was hardly thinking rationally. �Don�t lie just to make me feel better, you promised you wouldn�t.�
�Oh she�s not lying, believe me.� I flinched at the sound of Colonel O�Neill�s voice, looking up with my eyes but not lifting my head as I saw Colonel O�Neill approach with Doctor Janet. �You just want to take a look at Janet�s records here.� He continued and I frowned cautiously.
�Honestly?�
�Oh yes�� The doctor fake sighed, waving a hand with forced flippancy, �Addictions to alien sarcophaguses, brainwashing, people degenerating into cavemen, schizophrenia, teams suddenly getting addicted to magic lights and turning suicidal...� The Doctor took a deep breath before shrugging, �It happens to everyone.�
And before I knew it I was smiling a little.
�Actually.� Colonel Jack added, �Mainly just Daniel.� Which drew smiles from the others in the room before Doctor Janet rolled her eyes and beckoned me to sit on the infirmary bed.
�It�s never happened before.� I blurted out without prompting, desperate to be allowed to stay. �On Kelowna, I never passed out unless I was beaten.� I swallowed nervously when I noticed the shocked reactions of the three Earthlings�they weren�t impressed. �Badly." I continued, �It would have to be badly, broken bones and everything. And �never on a mission, except when I was shot more than once that one time, but that was only one mission and I lasted an hour before I lost consciousness and that was only because we�d run out of adrenaline injections and I-�
�Quinn!� I wasn�t sure who had spoken but I licked my lips nervously, suddenly aware of how quickly the words had been flowing.
�Did I say it too fast?� I asked, wondering if that was why everyone looked so upset. Or maybe it was because they didn�t want to tell me I couldn�t be on a team any more.
�Just�let us get a word in edgeways, huh, Kiddo?� The Colonel�s tone was light but there was no humour in his eyes or expression.
�I just�I wasn�t always�I would never have panicked like that on Kelowna. It�s just�� My gaze darted around the infirmary as I felt panic wash over me again. �This...talk about feelings and emotions and�I used to keep them under control and now you�� I looked up glaringly at Major Carter and Colonel O�Neill and my words were filled with fury, �You made me weak.� It was only in the following silence that I realised what I�d said and I could feel my hands start trembling. Oh no�I�m�I�m sorry�I didn�t-�
�It�s alright.� Sam cut off my pathetic attempt at an apology, �No one�s upset.�
�I don�t know what happened!� I tried to explain, �I don�t feel that way.� I tried to reassure her, �I don�t, I like it here, please don�t��
�S�alright, Quinn. Settle down.� I reacted almost instantly to the Colonel�s command, slowing my breathing and relaxing my clenched fists, glad to have some instruction in a situation where I had no clue how to react. �We know what�s going on.�
�You do?� I asked, partially confused and partially surprised but mainly relieved to have someone who knew what was happening to me.
�These are the results of a sample of your blood taken earlier today.� I didn�t miss the unspoken connotations in the sentence as Doctor Janet started speaking, a sheet of paper in her hand. �And these,� She grabbed another sheet off her desk before handing it to me along with the first set of results, �Are from a sample taken when you first came here.�
�I don�t understand�� I admitted quietly, my eyes seeing but not understanding the numbers and charts on the page before me.
�No one expects you to.� Doctor Janet smiled before turning her attention back to the results. �They�re almost identical apart from one tiny thing.� She explained, pointing to a mark on the paper. �In this first set of results here, there�s the presence of a protein. It�s not one found in humans and it wasn�t in Jonas� blood either.� I nodded cautiously as the petite doctor explained. �In this second set today, it�s gone. We�re not sure what it does but we feel it may have contributed to-�
�It helps me.� I cut her of quietly, staring at my hands folded in my lap.
�You know about this?� Sam asked, sounding surprised, and I nodded before shrugging slightly.
�A little bit. It�s a synthesised protein that the coalition scientists would�would administer. It�it means I can use my enhanced abilities for an extended period of time without it having an adverse affect on my functions.� I quoted the textbook definition the scientists had drilled into me. �They had to synthesise it in a lab and inject it because my body doesn�t make it naturally because of my�flaw.� I finished.
�So likely in your sparring match with Teal�c today you used up the last of what you had left.� Doctor Janet continued for me and I nodded in agreement.
�How long have they been pumping this stuff into you?� Colonel O�Neill looked almost sick and I shrugged.
�Since I can remember.�
�Bastards�� He muttered but I didn�t spend time trying to figure out what he was angry about, more interested in what Doctor Janet had to say.
�Then it�s likely that what you�re experiencing is a form of withdrawal.� The Doctor looked at me thoughtfully when I didn�t react, �Do you know the symptoms of withdrawal?� She asked and I shook my head.
�No.�
�Headache, sweating, rapid heart rate, clammy skin, tremors of the hands, agitation, mood swings, black outs�� Janet paused for breath and Colonel O�Neill used the short gap in the stream of medical terminology to interrupt her.
�He gets the message.�
Doctor Janet shot the Colonel an irritated look before turning back to me with a gentle expression. �Chances are you�re over the worst of it but I want someone keeping an eye on you and I don�t want you going off-world for at least a week, alright?�
I guess my disappointment must have shown on my face as Colonel O�Neill gave a sympathetic shrug and punched me playfully on the shoulder.
�Come on, Kiddo, chin up, it�s only a week.� He grinned before half muttering, half-whispering �She usually makes me stay at least a fortnight.�
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�You don�t mind�� I paused thoughtfully as I walked alongside Sam, trying to remember the phrase Doctor Janet had used, �You don�t mind putting your eye on me do you?� I asked, flinching slightly when the Major laughed.
�Keeping an eye on you.� The Major corrected with an amused smile. �What�s happened to that super memory of yours?� She teased and I shrugged before mumbling;
�It still sounds stupid to me��
�Well�� Sam was still smiling. �Keeping my eye on you or putting my eye on you, I don�t mind either one. It�s been a while since we did anything on our own together.� She replied.
�If Neill�s coming, we won�t technically be on our own.� I supplied and the Major stopped walking for a second and stared at me before continuing to walk.
�Colonel Murray�s right, you have been hanging around Colonel O�Neill too much.�
The Major�s statement confused me, it was delivered with a smile but the words seemed so�harsh.
�I-I have?� I asked, feeling my eyes turning grey as I shifted my gaze dejectedly to the floor. �I didn�t know�� I said softly �I thought he-�
�Hey come on, cheer up.� I felt a gentle hand under my chin and I lifted my gaze to see Sam looking at me concernedly, �I didn�t mean it like that. I just meant that you�re picking up his habits.� She explained and I faltered slightly before breaking into a relieved smile.
�Oh.� I grinned as we started walking again. �That�s a good thing, right?�
�If you like�� The Major smirked.
�I wish I could be like him you know�� I admitted after a pause, �I wish�I could be�just normal.�
�You are normal.� The Major cut in. �As normal as it gets around here anyway.�
I recognised the line for what it was, an attempt to lighten the mood and, even though it did nothing to lift my spirits, I gave a fake smile, hiding my still grey eyes by looking at the floor. Major Sam was already burdened enough having to look after me, I figured, why make the situation any worse for her?
�Right.� I agreed, when I realised I hadn�t replied, grateful of the distraction of reaching my quarters. �Ney, Neill.� I called out, smiling when the small dog jumped out of the bed and ran towards me. �He�s not so scared of me any more.� I explained to Sam as I locked my door, Neill standing by my heels.
�Yeah?� She asked with a look in her eyes I�d never seen before and I couldn�t seem to figure out.
�Well sometimes he�s still a little afraid, and it�s hard to figure out why.� I continued, �If I knew everything that had happened to him, it would be easier to help but�� I trailed off before shrugging and lifting the puppy into my arms, �You aren�t going to tell me that, are you?� I asked, patting the dog�s head and receiving a quiet bark in response. �Still, he�s getting better, getting braver and more relaxed.� I smiled, turning my attention back to Sam. �And I think other people are noticing too.�
�It�s a nice feeling to have someone�something trust you when they have no reason to, isn�t it?� The Major asked gently.
�I guess it is�� I replied thoughtfully before cocking my head to one side and looking at the Major quizzically. �But what would you know about that?�
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I always found it somewhat odd that sometimes I could walk around the base for ten minutes and not see another person and yet, on the short, five-minute walk from my quarters to Major Sam�s, I could meet someone every few paces. Normally I would simply have walked past but, for some reason, Major Carter felt the need to introduce me to everyone on the base.
�This is Sergeant Siler.� Major Sam gestured to a small, short haired man balanced precariously on a step ladder.
�Oh hi, Major Carter, I-I�d come down but this pipe sprung a leak.�
The man, Sergeant Siler kept diverting his attention between the pipe on the ceiling and Major Carter, occasionally flicking glances in my direction. It wasn�t until I felt Major Carter�s elbow in my ribs that I realised she wasn�t going to introduce me herself.
�I�I�m�My name is Quinn.� I mumbled, still not quite comfortable around Earthling strangers but feeling a little more confident with Major Sam stood beside me.
Oh hey.� The Sergeant smiled and I got the sneaking suspicion he had known my name already. �And who�s this little guy?� He asked, pointing to Neill, seeming to forget for a moment that he had a wrench in his hand as it clattered to the ground. Whilst I was prepared for the clatter that occurs when metal meets stone, my puppy was not and, even without the luxury of my advanced eyesight activating as a reflex, things seemed to move in slow motion as Neill bolted at the unexpected noise, his slight frame connecting directly with a leg of the stepladder causing Sergeant Siler�s somewhat heavier form to connect directly with the floor.
�I-�
Anything I was about to say was abruptly silenced as the pipe overhead reacted to the lack of pressure placed on it, pouring a steady stream of water directly onto my head and as I turned in panic to see Sergeant Siler�s condition I was bemused to find both him and Major Carter fighting back laughter.
�Quinn�� Major Sam bit down on her lip, standing, I noticed, a convenient distance away from the pipe which was still pouring water onto me. �Are you��
�I�m fine.� I interrupted, seeing that she was struggling not to burst into giggles. �C�mere Neill.� I coaxed, scooping up the now soaking animal who looked somewhat bewildered at the sudden downpour. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact he�d recently head butted a set of steel steps.
�Ah damn it.� Sergeant Siler finally spoke up as he pulled himself off the ground, �And I�d nearly gone a whole day without one of you guys bumping into me.� I wasn�t sure whether he was joking or not so I simply smiled before mumbling.
�I�m sorry, Neill didn�t mean to.�
�It�s okay.� He grinned, �I�ve had a pretty bad day today anyway.� He shrugged and I couldn�t help but smirk to myself as I thought back over the previous few hours. Got beaten up. Got lost. Fainted. Got diagnosed with withdrawal. Got soaked. Got soaked again.
�Not as bad as mine.� I replied, before turning to walk away and repeating myself, subconsciously shaking my head in disbelief at what my life had become in this place. �Not as bad as mine��