Colonel Murray had been repeating the same sentiment ever since I had apparently �smashed his record� back at the shooting range. I didn�t understand what was making him so excited since even the moving targets hadn�t provided any real challenge but it was kind of funny to see.
�I can�t believe you can handle a gun like that.� The Colonel�s voice lost some of its excitement but the sense of awe was still there. �Seriously, Quinn.� The Colonel turned to look at me, his eyes wide with shock, �Where�d you learn to shoot like that?�
I shuddered as his words brought up the kind of memories I hadn�t thought of in a while. �On Kelowna.� I replied flatly as Colonel Murray looked at me expectantly.
�Hey.� The Colonel laughed nervously and stopped walking and I saw him frown as I carried on. �Maybe I oughta go there, I can�t have some geek-�
�No!� I stopped abruptly, cutting off his attempt to lighten the atmosphere, my eyes closed as I fought to keep calm. �You can�t go there! You�it�s not fair, no one from here should go. I won�t let it happen!� I turned my head to look at him, my eyes flashing darkly �I�ll never let it happen. You�ll have to go through me first.�
�I�I�m sorry.�
I faltered at the shock in Colonel Murray�s voice and I had to remind myself that he didn�t know as much about my home as Sam, Jack, Janet and Teal�c did.
�I didn�t mean�I was just joking.� The Colonel said meekly. �It was tasteless, I�m sorry.�
�I�it�s fine.� I shrugged as I tried to calm down. �I didn�t mean to�I just�� I trailed off and shrugged, how could I expect him to understand? The only person who ever had half a clue about what it felt like was Teal�c.
�How did they teach you to shoot?� Colonel Murray�s soft tone of confusion and horror was a stark cry from the excited bewilderment from only a few moments previously.
�I�� I bit down on my lip as I leant back against the wall, �I thought they were dead.� I choked out. �They were just hanging there and�and I knew some of them were in trouble and I�I thought that�� I swallowed heavily before turning to the Colonel, �I didn�t know!�
The Colonel simply shook his head in confusion and horror. �Oh No�no, no, Kid. You ain�t telling me this.�
And for some reason I resented him for his reaction. I suppose that I was just used to the calm reactions of SG1 and Janet who kept their horror and revulsion inside. Confronted with such a blunt and honest reaction I was forced to face up to just how terrifying and miserable my previous life had been.
�You asked!� I shot back, panic and fear causing me to lash out at the Colonel, anything to project some of these negative feelings onto someone else.
�I know�� he Colonel ran a hand through his hair tiredly, �O�Neill said you�d had it tough but�� He paused and exhaled. �I had no idea��
I sighed and glanced at Colonel Murray, feeling the atmosphere growing slowly heavier.
�Hey uh�� I started, trying to lighten the mood, �Whatever, you know? I think I�m going to get something to eat.� I gave a tentative smile and then watched as the Colonel�s face transformed into one of total bemusement and he began laughing.
�You know�You�re alright kid.� He smiled, shaking his head in apparent disbelief and punching me playfully on the arm. �You�re alright.� He repeated before grinning, �And, getting something to eat? That sounds like a great idea.�
*-*-*
�So you uh�you like�food.� Colonel Murray commented as he viewed my plate with arched eyebrows.
�Uh-huh.� I nodded happily, already picking up my knife and fork.
�Yeah�I hear the original Quinn, uh, Jonas that is, liked to eat too.� The Colonel supplied in what I guessed was an attempt at levity and to break the somewhat awkward silence that had descended on the commissary table.
�Really?� I asked, trying to keep the frustration out of my voice. I knew the Colonel was only trying to make conversation but it annoyed me somewhat that he assumed Jonas Quinn was some common ground to talk about.
�Guess you must get a lot of that, huh?� The Colonel laughed a little and I nodded wearily.
�You could say that.�
�I know how you feel.� The Colonel smiled ruefully and I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I knew that Earthlings didn�t have the technology to clone human beings effectively so how could this Colonel understand? �I used to get compared to my twin brother all the time.� Murray continued, obviously noticing my confused and sceptical expression and I nodded. I knew I should have thought of something like that, perhaps if I had been born as opposed to created I might have done.
�Used to?� I asked, aware that I should reply, �They don�t any more?�
�No�� The Colonel shook his head, �Not any more.� And left it at that.
I was a little confused about why Colonel Murray was still following me, why he was trying to make conversation, and why his attitude towards me had changed so rapidly but I had already come to accept that Earthlings were unpredictable so I merely accepted the turn of events as some form of Earthling logic.
�Listen, I uh�I gave you a bit of a hard time back at the range.� The Colonel began, looking away awkwardly and I paused for a moment in shock as the Colonel began talking about the same subject my thoughts had just been dwelling on. �I�I thought you were just another geek, you know?� He shrugged, �I was wrong huh?� he gave an awkward chuckle and I nodded, still not entirely sure what a �geek� was.
�I guess so.� I replied quietly.
�I shouldn�t have given you such a rough time.� He continued, �I just��
�Don�t worry about it.� I cut him off, �I didn�t care anyway.� I laughed quietly and the Colonel chuckled a little.
�Well, I did.� He paused. �I do.� He corrected himself. �We had a guy on our team, SG-18 that is, he was uh�he was there as a translator to help us get information from the natives and translate anything that might lead us to the missing team.� The Colonel�s blue eyes were misty as he spoke and I could tell he was relieving the memory in his mind as well as with words. �On the mission we were captured, one of us was about to be executed, but this guy, the translator was hidden. He had a clear shot.� The Colonel clenched his hand into a fist as he swallowed past a lump in his throat. �He had a clear shot to save one of our members, he fired three times.� The Colonel looked down at the table. �He missed.� He finally choked out, �He missed every time. And our guy died.�
�I�m sorry.� I added as I watched Murray pull himself together.
�Not your fault.� The Colonel acknowledged. �But ever since then I�ve never let anyone under qualified on my team. I�ll never let something like that happen again.�
I simply nodded. �What happened to the guy who missed?� I asked knowing that on Kelowna he probably would have been shot for his failure.
�Nothing.� The Colonel replied bitterly, �Well, he got chucked off of my team but�didn�t bring my team-mate back did it?�
I shook my head in reply, understanding, at least a little, how he felt. �Were you close?� I asked sensing the issue wasn�t quite resolved yet.
�You could say that.� Colonel Murray replied, �His name was Michael�Michael Murray.�
And everything about this man sat beside me suddenly clicked into place but somehow, understanding his behaviour still didn�t help me with what to say.
*-*-*
�He asked you what?!�
I smiled as I looked between Sam and Colonel Jack, trying to decide who looked more shocked.
�He asked me if I wanted to join SG-18.� I repeated, still barely able to wrap my own thoughts around the idea.
�Wow�Quinn, you must�ve impressed him.� The Colonel stated in a shocked tone as he came to sit beside me on my bunk. �With more than just that fancy shooting.�
�Colonel Murray�s one of the pickiest COs on the base.� Sam explained, coming to sit on the other side of me. �But his team�s always one of the best.� She added and I could see Colonel O�Neill nodding seriously in agreement.
�Wow�� I replied quietly, looking down at the floor.
�So?� The Colonel asked and I frowned.
�So�what?� I asked and I could see both Earthlings roll their eyes.
�What did you say?� Sam prompted.
�Oh right.� I finally grasped what they were asking, �I said I�d think about it.� I replied before finally realising, in the following silence, what Sam and Colonel Jack actually meant. �I don�t know whether I want to or not. I never really had much of a choice before.� I admitted and I felt Sam squeeze my hand gently, which was when I became aware that I�d been holding it.
�Hey, no one�s gonna make you do anything you don�t want to.� The Colonel promised and I nodded.
�But I can�t just stay here forever.� I gestured to my quarters where we currently sat, �And�I can�t just be afraid all the time.� I squared my jaw, �I�m nearly seven years old dammit.� I said firmly, sighing when smiles began spreading along the faces of both Sam and Colonel Jack.
�I�ll never get over how weird that sounds.� The Colonel muttured to Sam loud enough for me to hear and I scowled.
�You�re ruining my moment.� I said in mock annoyance but laughed all the same.
�Sorry, Kiddo.� The Colonel laughed as he ruffled my hair, �We�re just playing with ya.�
I nodded before pausing thoughtfully, �I know�� I said slowly as I slowly realised just how�safe I was feeling.
�Time was you�d have run a mile as soon as anyone tried to lay a hand on you�� Sam commented, perhaps noticing my expression and I nodded.
�I was scared a lot then�� I mumbled quietly and Sam nodded sadly. �But I feel, different?� I sighed as I tried to think of the right word. �Better?� My tone was questioning as I looked to Sam just to double check that what I was saying was making any sense.
�Safer?� She suggested and I paused before nodding.
��Yeah.� I smiled faintly, �I�I think�I think I�m okay.� I turned my head at the sound of Neill barking. laughed as he began gnawing on my shoes before grinning and nodding determinedly. �I think I�m okay now.�
*-*-*
�Janet?� My voice wasn�t as strong I was aiming for but it still caught the doctor�s attention and she smiled as she turned to me.
�Hey, Quinn, are you alright?� She asked gently as I moved to sit on a vacant bed and I nodded silently.
�I think so�� I replied after a moment and I suppose my attempt at hiding the uncertainty can�t have been very convincing because as soon as I had finished speaking the petite doctor had moved around the bed and, before I knew it, staring into my eyes with a worried expression on her face.
�What�s wrong?� She asked and her anxious tone reminded me of our first meeting. As I looked into those kind, concerned eyes it was hard to believe that I had been convinced that this woman wanted to hurt me. Knowing know that she wouldn�t hurt anything out of malice it was hard to even understand why I had been so terrified.
�Nothing.� I replied before pausing, �Well, it�s not exactly a problem.� I explained, fidgeting nervously with my hands, frustrated at my inability to put my feelings into words.
�Colonel Murray�� I started and I watched as Doctor Janet immediately reacted.
�What�s he said to you? Did he upset you?� She asked before taking a breath and continuing to speak before carrying on talking, not giving me a chance to answer. �Colonel O�Neill told me he was taking you to shooting practice, I told him it was a bad idea. Don�t know why that man, Murray, is always hanging around there anyway�Anyone who spends that much time weapons-�
�Doctor Janet!� I actually had to shout to get my voice heard above the Doctor�s speech. �I�he was nice�� I tried to reassure her, deciding to leave our first meeting out of the conversation for now. �It�s not�he didn�t upset me.� I said, watching as Janet�s concerned expression turned to one of curiosity. �He asked me if I wanted to join SG-18 I explained, for the second time that day.�
�Wow, Quinn-�
�He�s picky�I know.� I laughed, rolling my eyes. �Sam and Colonel Jack told me. That�s not what I�I didn�t just come to tell you about it.� I said, briefly making eye contact, hoping my expression could explain what I was struggling to communicate.
�You don�t know whether you want to or not�� The Doctor mused quietly and I nodded, amazed by this woman�s intuition.
�I want to be helpful�� I explained quietly, �I�I want to repay the SCC and, well,�Earth for helping me and for looking after me.� I continued. �But I��I closed my eyes as I carried on speaking, memories flashing in my mind�s eye. �I�m tired of fighting, killing, running all the time.� I shrugged, looking away feeling oddly ashamed.
I know�� The Doctor soothed gently as she placed a hand on my shoulder.
�I saw a lot of killing. Lots of wars. I�.I�ve killed a lot of people already, Janet.� I looked up at the Doctor as I paused thoughtfully. �And I mean�a lot.� I added, wanting her to get an idea of what life had been like.
�It�s enough to make anyone want a quiet life.� Janet smiled sadly. �And if you don�t want to, no-one will make you.� She carried on and I tried to hide my disappointment. I had really been hoping for something a little more�insightful? Earthlings were much better at dealing with feelings than I was. �There are other things you can do to help you know.� Doctor Janet continued, �Teal�c tells me you�re getting very adapt at translation.� She said with a proud smile and I gasped and looked up.
�He�he did?� I asked shyly not sure why that sentence made me feel so happy. Teal�c had often told me that he felt I was progressing quickly with my knowledge of Ancient and Goa�uld but I suppose I had always had the nagging doubt that he didn�t mean it. That he simply said it to make me feel better.
�Yep.� Janet grinned. �And since Daniel and�and Jonas�� The Doctor trailed off but I understood what she meant.
�I guess�I could be useful here.� I contemplated. �But�� I chewed my lip anxiously, �But I�it�s kinda boring to do all the time.� I admitted sheepishly and Doctor Janet laughed.
�I can imagine.� She said with raised eyebrows, stifling a laugh. �You know�what you remember, the battles you went through, being an SG team probably won�t be like that.�
�You don�t...� I swallowed nervously, �You don�t make people kill innocent people do you?� I was almost sure but I felt safe enough to double-check.
�No, Quinn�� The Doctor shook her head sadly, �We don�t do that.�
�Then I guess�� I paused before, curving the corner of my mouth into a smile, �I guess I could give it a try��