It wasn�t until I felt a hand on my back that I moved from my position at the observation window, jolted out of my thoughts by the unexpected visitor. It was a testament to how drained I was that I hadn�t even heard the approach.
�Standing there isn�t going to change anything you know.�
It wasn�t until I heard Major Sam speak those words in her careful, anxious tone that I fully comprehended that there was a chance that the puppy might not make it through the night. I suppose I had simply forgotten for a minute that Doctor Janet was only a human and that she probably had some kind of flaw too. What this revelation meant however, I was too tired to consider so I simply nodded in response to Major Sam�s statement and replied quietly.
�I know.�
�You did the right thing, trying to save it.� Major Carter moved to my side and I felt her hand brush against mine, �You know that don�t you?� She asked earnestly and I shrugged; tired, exhausted and feeling emotionally numb as if the tensions of the night had drained any remaining ability I had to muster any kind of feeling.
�Colonel Jack says it�s wrong to kill without good reason.� I mumbled, thinking back to my earlier fight. �But they were trying to kill that puppy, Sam, it couldn�t fight back or move, it probably hadn�t even done anything but they were hurting it anyway. Why isn�t that a good reason?�
My voice sounded hollow, even to my own ears but I couldn�t muster up the heart to make my sentiment any stronger. All I could feel was the bone weary sadness as I realized that this planet, this universe was really no different from the one I had come from after all and I finally accepted that maybe there was no such thing as a perfect-world.
�Well�Quinn, I mean�� I could tell the Major was uncomfortable and I sighed and turned my head away.
�I�m sorry.� I sighed, not wanting to overstep my boundaries, �I think I get it. Dogs are like, Kelownans, right? Not worth as much as normal people? Not to most people.�
�Quinn�.look, abuse of any living creature is never justified. What those boys did to that dog, what�what people have done to you, they had no right to do that. And whether one creature is �worth� more than another, it�s irrelevant because it�s no excuse for abusive behaviour. Do you understand?� The Major asked gently and I nodded before adding;
�At least�I think I understand that the rules are different here.�
The Major nodded slowly before adding, �But�after where you came from, that can�t be such a bad thing can it?�
I paused for a moment to think about her question but at this point my exhausted mind had decided it had had enough and I simply settled for replying as sincerely as possible,
�I�m glad I�m here, Sam�I�m really glad I�m here.�
*-*-*
As I walked with Sam down the almost deserted SGC corridors, the bed in my quarters had never seemed so appealing. Yet at the same time, for once in my short life, I didn�t want to be alone. Whether it was the excitement of the evening, the ridiculous amount of food I had eaten or the weight of worry about the puppy in the back of my mind I didn�t know but, as we reached the fork in the corridor where Major Sam and I were supposed to spilt, I couldn�t help but linger. Longing for her to just ask me-
�It�s been a rough night, huh?� Major Sam snapped me out of my thoughts with a gentle hand on my arm and I nodded.
�Yeah��
In hindsight, what she said next was probably a complete lie and for my benefit only but at the time I was weary and hopeful enough not to realise as she spoke softly.
�You know, Quinn, don�t really feel like being alone right now. I-I don�t suppose you�d feel like staying with me tonight?�
*-*-*
Major Sam�s quarter�s seemed to make my own look positively barren in comparison and my eyes struggled to take in everything at once as they swept the room. There was the usual assortment of photographs that I had come to expect to find in a member of SG-1�s quarters but as I glanced over at them from where I sat on the edge of the bed I noticed two figures I didn�t recognise. They were dressed in beige clothing in a style unlike any I had seen on Earth but still something about there attire was familiar to me. It took me a minute of thinking and I could feel my eyes turning black as I tried to recall what I knew about these people before finally recalling and gasping;
�Tok�ra��
�You know them?�
I looked away from the photos to see Major Sam who had changed into her nightwear standing in the doorway of the attached bathroom.
�Oh yeah�� I shuddered as memories of this race came to the surface, ��I know them.�
I held my breath as I crouched in the shrubbery, Forty Six on my left side and Seventeen on my right. This was only our third mission together as a search and rescue squadron but we had already located the hostages. Yet there was a problem and not even Forty Six with her medical expertise, myself with my keen senses and tactical ability or Seventeen with his experience of battle could think of a way out of the situation we found ourselves in.
�Those guys in brown must be the Tok�ra we read about.� Forty Six whispered and I nodded in reply.
�They�re equipped with zats.� Seventeen added and I simply nodded again, my eyes turning black as I tried frantically to think of a way of getting the Teranian and his Kelownan guards out of the clearing unharmed. Considering that they were surrounded by Tok�ra and one of the Kelownans was so badly beaten he was struggling to stay upright on his knees, it wasn�t an easy task.
�There�s no way we could shoot them all at once�� I mumbled, even as my hand strayed to my gun.
�They�re stronger than us too, even with your enhanced abilities, Twenty Three. They have symbiotes.� Seventeen added sensing my trail of thought and I closed my eyes in frustration. We couldn�t take them out from a distance and we couldn�t take them out up close either.
�What about bargaining?� I asked, thinking about the few supplies we had left at the Stargate, �Is there anything we could trade with?�
�There�s only one thing they want, Twenty Three and that�s hosts.� Seventeen turned to me, his light hazel eyes serious. �You fancy giving up your body, Twenty Three? Huh? These guys are slaves to the Ori �as bad as the coalition are, the Ori are supposed to be ten times worse. You fancy becoming a slave to someone worse, Twenty Thee? �Cos I damn well don�t!� He hissed.
�We should�� Forty Six whispered and from the expression on her face I could tell it pained her to suggest the idea. �For the Teranian. We�we ought to.�
�It�s too much of a risk.� I shook my head. �Our bodies are no better than any others and if they merely wanted hosts the Tok�ra would have been gone by now.�
�Oh no�� I could feel my heart beat speeding up as I watched the Tok�ra raise that zat weapon at the injured Kelownan and I squeezed my black eyes shut as he squeezed the trigger, my thoughts drowning out the sound of two shots firing as I desperately tried to think my way out of the situation. �What can I do? What can I do? What can I do?!�
I shook my head to clear the memory and then looked up to see Major Sam still staring at me.
�The Tok�ra�� I started, my voice coming out shakier than I expected, �The Tok�ra in my universe were slaves to the Ori.�
�The Ori?�
I couldn�t help but frown suspiciously at Major Sam�s tone.
�You have a Stargate yet you haven�t heard of them?� I questioned, raising my eyebrows at Major Carter�s negative response.
�Then�I hope they don�t exist in this universe. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut for a second as remembered all the horrible deeds I had heard about the white skinned priors committing. �I hope they don�t exist in this universe��
Major Sam nodded before walking across the room to sit beside me on the lower bunk.
�So they were slaves, like Kelownan�s?� She asked and I nodded.
�Yes. The Ori had conquered many worlds in my universe by the time I was created. This meant there were very few human worlds from which the Tok�ra could find hosts and, as their remaining hosts slowly died, Tok�ra numbers dwindled. But Tok�ra are�� I searched for the right word, ��resourceful.� I concluded. �And they had technologies that even the Ori didn�t posses. Faced with slavery or extinction the Tok�ra gave all their resources and their remaining lifespans in servitude of the Ori in return for permission to stay alive.�
Major Carter actually looked shocked at this and she looked me straight in the eyes as she replied, �The Tok�ra in this universe would never do something like that. These Tok�ra and honest and noble.�
�Tok�ra�honest and noble?� I raised a sceptical eyebrow but quickly dropped it when a hurt expression flashed across Major Sam�s face. �I-I suppose if you have photos then it must be the case.� I mumbled and Sam nodded reaching for a photo before, as Colonel O�Neill would say, dropping the bombshell.
�This man is my father.�
I couldn�t help the gasp of surprise at those words and, as much as I knew I should keep calm for the Major�s sake, I couldn�t help the horrified expression on my face as I turned to her and stammered;
�They�they took him as a host?!�
Major Sam nodded in reply but then, noticing the expression on my face added, �Yes, but not in the way you think.�
I allowed myself to relax a little but my mind still raced with questions.
�It was the only way to save his life and that of the symbiote. It was perfectly mutual.� The Major continued and I nodded slowly, my brain struggling to imagine the Tok�ra acting nicely. �The other Tok�ra there is Martouf.� Sam explained, pointing to the other photograph. �I was the host to his sybiote�s mate, Jolinar.�
�Y-you were host to a Tok�ra too?!� I suppose the pitch of my voice and the horrified look on my face must have been comical because Sam laughed a little before sighing and telling me to settle down.
�Yes, and this time it wasn�t by choice, but the important thing is that in the end she gave her life to save mine.� She paused momentarily, staring into my eyes. �Is that proof enough, Quinn?� I nodded slowly in response, licking my lips nervously.
�I bet�I bet it�s weird, having another brain inside you�� I couldn�t help the curious frown that spread across my face as I tentatively asked; �Is it weird?�
�Oh yeah�� The Major nodded firmly, �It�s weird, you think what they think, they think what you think. Heck, you breathe together, feel together�love together.�
I don�t know why those final two words made me feel uncomfortable but I couldn�t help stammering out questioningly;
�L-love?�
Major Sam nodded a little and I could see the sadness in her eyes as she gazed at the picture. �Martouf was blended with a Tok�ra called Lantash. Jolinar was Lantash�s mate.�
But I was tired and confused and the talk of emotions was unfamiliar to me and I couldn�t help but ask;
�So�y-you love Martouf?� And for some reason saying the words bothered me and the sense of relief I felt when Major Sam shook her head was frighteningly overwhelming.
�No�no I never loved him, well not love as in love.�
I didn�t understand the importance of the repetition or the emphasis but I nodded anyway and Sam continued.
�I loved him as a friend and I still miss him.� It wasn�t until this point I realised that, all throughout our conversation, Major Carter had spoken about Martouf in the past tense, only know did I understand the reason for the pained look in her eyes and I interrupted her before she could continued you with a quiet apology.
�I�I�m sorry.� I mumbled. �I shouldn�t have-�
�No, Quinn.� The Major placed her hand on top of mine, �Don�t apologise for something that�s not your fault.� I nodded in reply and Sam continued trying to explain a feeling she could barely put into words. �And although I was never in love with Martouf, sometimes I would get my memories mixed up with the remaining memories of Jolinar and, for a while, I would feel like I was in love with him.� Sam exhaled and turned to me, her hand holding mine a little tighter before adding; �Do you understand?�
�Yes.� I replied simply before smiling a little and shaking my head. �No. Maybe�I think so.� The Major smiled at this and chuckled.
�Well I did say it was weird.� I raised my eyebrows and it was almost as if Major Sam read my mind as she added; �I guess that was kind of an understatement, huh?�
I nodded in agreement. �You could say that.� And yet, even though I knew I could have ended the conversation there and then on neutral, happy ground I felt safe and curious enough to ask one small but important question; �What does it feel like to be in love?�
*-*-*
The silence that followed my question was terrifying and my mind raced with too many thoughts and too few distractions. Had I overstepped my boundaries this time? I was almost sure that Major Sam wouldn�t send me back to my universe if I upset her�almost sure. To my relief, Sam merely smiled bemusedly and asked;
�What�what do you mean?�
�I uh�� I looked at the floor, intimated somewhat by the way Major Sam was looking at me. �I just�I never really heard about it much�love that is.� I wasn�t even used to saying the word. �Heh�� I gave a small, humourless laugh as I added; �It�s not exactly something the coalition deemed necessary knowledge.�
�I�m sorry.� Sam spoke, �I should have-�
�No.� I shook my head, recognising how Sam was feeling, before adding; ��Don�t apologise for something that isn�t your fault.� I looked to see Sam�s reaction, relieved to see she was smiling.
�Well then�� She smiled, �Love is�love is kinda hard to describe.� She paused, searching for words and gave a small shrug. �I guess it�s when you like someone�a lot. More than you like anyone else. It�s when�you can�t imagine how would cope without that �someone� in you life. It�s one of the most powerful emotions a person can feel, it�s confusing and terrifying but�� The Major paused and turned to look me in the eyes. �But it�s damn hard to live without.�
And all throughout Sam�s explanation I was staring into those green eyes, my exhausted mind slowly absorbing the information and coming up with some sort of conclusion but all I could manage to reply with was.
�Oh��