| That sexy Chairman Takeshi Kaga |
| None of the events depicted in this document is intended to be real, and if any exist, they�re definitely unfair to Iron Chef host Takeshi Kaga and his big boys. Nor is this intended to insult Iron Chef junkies. Anyway, it�s just for fun! �Takeshi Kaga� stuffed a piece of cake into his mouth and then spit it out (it wasn�t real). Then, he talked about the �challenger� who was to do battle with an �Iron Chef� for that episode, beginning with �if memory serves me right,� etc. |
| CHALLENGER |
| I don�t care what anyone else thinks. I�muh show those Iron Chumps who�s boss around here! |
| TAKESHI KAGA |
| Yeah, right. We�ll see about that. |
| The Chairman entered the Kitchen Stadium, located in the Gourmet Academy (in Japan, dudes), looked around, picked up a bell pepper, and-you�ve guessed it-bit into it. The lights went on, and Kaga soon found himself face to face with the biggest line of unwanted cooks you�d probably ever see. The Chairman became so infuriated that he threw the (semi-eaten) pepper on the floor and told them: |
| TAKESHI KAGA |
| Look-I�m getting sick and tired of you clowns invading my privacy, so get the heck out of here right now or I�ll call the police! |
| And the plethora of cookies ran out of the Stadium terrified. The Chairman appeared again a few minutes later to start the show, but just as he reached the table wherein the �ingredient� had yet to be unveiled, he slipped and fell. He got up throwing a banana peel at the camera. Then, while saying his challenger introduction, he farted. |
| TAKESHI KAGA |
| Okay, boys�it�s high time you stopped goofing off and started getting serious about your work. Indeed they did for if they disobeyed him they�d surely get their behinds kicked. Kaga unveiled the ingredient (whatever it is), but instead of saying �Allez Cuisine!� he went: |
| TAKESHI KAGA |
| Move it!! The battle started, and the Chairman went AWOL. Later, he and his guests sat down to taste the challenger�s creations first then the Iron Chef�s, as is the program�s strategy. One of the guests (a man) during the Iron Chef taste test ate something that to him looked like rotten octopus casserole and complained: |
| SO-AND-SO |
| Yuck! This is disgusting! I don�t know how a superior cook like you can make such an atrocious dish like this! This tastes nasty! |
| TAKESHI KAGA |
| Uh, excuse me, but that talk is technically prohibited in my Academy. |
| SO-AND-SO |
| Technically prohibited? What do you think this is, the Microsoft Network? |
| TAKESHI KAGA |
| No, the Micro Machines Network. |
| SO-AND-SO |
| That�s it. He got up, plate and all. |
| TAKESHI KAGA |
| Don�t even think about it. So-and-so #1 had already begun dumping his food onto the Chairman�s plate, and at the same time grumbling something about �I wish I�d never been invited to taste these boneheads� disgusting creations.� |
| SO-AND-SO |
| You eat it! Lower House Member Shinichiro Kurimoto threw food at him. |
| SHINICHIRO KURIMOTO |
| Don�t talk to him like that! So-and-so threw food back at him while saying: |
| SO-AND-SO |
| You shut up and mind your business! This man does nothing but slave his so-called �Iron Chefs� into doing everything for him while he just sits around and dillydallies the whole time. Kaga�s face was heating up. |
| SO-AND-SO |
| And this is nothing but trashy media hype, anyway. Down with Iron Chef!! That did it. Kaga slapped him in the face. |
| TAKESHI KAGA |
| What do you mean, down with Iron Chef? So-and-so threw food right in his face. The Chairman responded with the same procedure, and the next thing you know, everyone joined in the food fight. Kurimoto turned his table over. The Iron Chef stormed out of the room completely pissed off at this dramatic scenario. Moments later the Chairman and his pals came out in dirty clothes for the �verdict.� The Chairman announced that the challenger was the winner, and this got him so excited that he went: |
| CHALLENGER (to Iron Chef) |
| IRON CHEF |
| Ha-ha! You suck! You can�t cook! Iron Chump! |
| Who are you calling an Iron Chump, punk? |
| CHALLENGER |
| Oh, what did you say? They lounged at each other. The other ICs who didn�t get picked noticed this and jumped into the action as well. Suddenly, dozens of unexpected cooks stormed like lightning bolts into the Stadium, throwing stuff at each other, dumping food on each other�s heads-you name it. This got the Chairman so aggravated that he went out to call the police like he said he would, they came and arrested everyone, and-well, shut down the Kitchen Stadium forever. |
| THE END A Fuji Television Network Production |
| GUY IN AUDIENCE |
| Hey, did you hear that? The Chairman laid a fart!
At this the crowd taunted: |
| CROWD (singing) |
| The Chairman laid a fart...the Chairman laid a fart...
Their getting up and chanting �Takeshi Kaga (censored)� to the tune of the conga line made it even worse. |
| YUKIO HATTORI |
| Okay, guys, knock it off up there!
They did. Kaga resumed his yak. The challenger came in. He had this think-he�s-all-that attitude on his face. After saying greetings to the challenger, the Kagmeister summoned the �Iron Chefs,� who obviously goofed off: Sakai was blowing a trumpet, Michiba played drums, and Kenichi played a guitar. The challenger thought this was funny but the Chairman didn�t. |