The lawyer tells the old judge, "Your Honor, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."
"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.
"Yes," replies the lawyer. "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in chatrooms, Your Honor."
"Cybersex?" asks the judge. "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good Lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"
"Secondly, Your Honor," continues the lawyer, "my client can produce a receipt for the 48-speed cd-rom."
"48-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.
"Yes, Your Honor. It enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."
"And I suppose most of this 'information' is cybersex related... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."
"Thirdly, Your Honor, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever *that* is."
"Oh, that's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.
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A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
The girl gets up and start to get dressed.
He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at you!"
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The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
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Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "
I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "butwhy have you only ordered water all evening?"
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming oil truck, there is an explosion and everyone inside the bus dies. They then go to heaven but because of the grief they have experienced, the lord decides to grant them all one wish each before they enter paradise.
They're all lined up and god asks the first one what her wish is. "I want to be gorgeous!" and so god snaps his fingers and it is done. The second one in line hears this and he says "I want to be gorgeous too!" Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with all the people so impressed with gods work they want to see how beautiful they can look too. But when god is half way down the line he cant help but notice that the man at the back of the queue is laughing quite uncontrollably and by the time there is 10 people left the man is rolling about on the floor pi**ing himself laughing.
Finally god reaches the man and asks him what his wish is going to be. The man calms down and says - "Make em all ugly again!!!"
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Billy-Bob says to Joe-Bob, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping concession in Mexico. They don't have it there."
Joe-Bob thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, a bungee cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Billy-Bob jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe-Bob notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Joe-Bob isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding, and again Joe-Bob misses him.
Billy-Bob falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up... he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Joe-Bob catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Billy-Bob gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?"
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Harold was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital.
Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So, you know where the juice went.
Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today".
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time".
The nurse fainted and Old Harold just smiled.