There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
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Every Saturday morning, an avid golfer gets up early to catch his morning tee time and spends the day playing golf.
One Saturday morning, as is his schedule, he gets up early, eats a quick breakfast and heads out to the course. The weather is terrible; there's a torrential downpour with snow mixing in and a 50 mph wind.
Defeated, he comes back into the house and turns the TV on to the weather channel, which informs him it's only going to get worse. He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses, then slips back into bed with his wife.
"The weather out there is terrible," he whispers.
"Yeah," she replies, "can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
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The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice.
He decided to ask his Secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her in and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help.
If I were to give you twenty thousand dollars minus 14 percent, how much would you take off?"
The Secretary thought a moment then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added,"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Acceptable uses to the F word:
#9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-Custer, 1877
"What the @*%& was that?"
-Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
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Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, 'Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?'
The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'
The blonde asks, 'Don't you have a vase?'
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Success is:
At age 4, success is....... not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is...... having friends.
At age 20, success is...... having sex.
At age 35, success is...... making money.
At age 60, success is...... having sex.
At age 70, success is...... having friends.
At age 80, success is...... not peeing your pants.
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A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kinds of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't......there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age......In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions, dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through 3 phases.
In his twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties it is like a Christmas Tree."
"A Christmas Tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."