Turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best ^#%$ in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just @&^#%$ your mom, and it was sweet!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad...you're drunk!"
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, "What a peaceful and loving couple."
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by a pack of mules. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said, "That's once."
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead. I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
And we lived happily ever after.
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Bud an Jim were two airline mechanics at the local major airport. One day all planes were grounded due to fog, and they were extremely bored.
Jim said to Bud, " I wish we had something to drink."
Bud replied,"This may sound crazy, but I heard you could get a buzz from drinking jet fuel."
"That is crazy," said Jim, "you wanna try it?"
"Nothing better to do," answered Bud.
Bud and Jim proceeded to drink themselves into a stupor, and neither could remember when they stopped.
The next morning Bud awoke, feeling better than he had ever felt after a night of drinking. He called Jim to tell him and ask how he felt.
" I feel great too,"Jim said, "but, have you farted yet?"
"No,"answered Bud.
"Well, DON'T," Jim exclaimed,"I'm in Florida."
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
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An old man and his grandson are in the living room and the old man is smoking a cigar.
His grandson asks,"Can I have a puff"? Then the old man asked," Can your d*** reach your ass?" The boy answered,"no". The old man says," there's your answer".
Ten minutes later the old man is drinking a beer. The boy asked,"can I have a sip"? And the old man answers,"Can your d*** reach your ass". The young boy says,"no". The old man says," then there's your answer".
Twenty minutes later, the boy walks in with a batch of cookies.
The old man asks," can I have a cookie"? Then the boy asks," can your d*** reach your ass"? The old man answers "yes".
The boy answer's," Well you can go f*** yourself because grandma made these for me".
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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking, and he's getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!"