| Derek & Clive |
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| Derek & Clive |
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Probably among the first people to swear gratuitously for the purpose of entertainment, starring Peter Cook (Clive) and Dudley Moore (Derek) as the profanity-emitting twosome. I've got to be careful, because every third word is not one which you would care to repeat in polite society, and my hosting company might not care to have such filth on their servers. Just to be on the safe side, I'll be bleeping all the swearing, at the risk of wearing all the paint off my asterisk key.
The Establishment provides a superb Derek & Clive resource, as well as everything else Peter Cook's ever been involved in.
You're never going to get any women just sitting in a bar, w***ing.
(affecting an immensely pervy voice) Can I interest you in a sex crime?
Clive: I tell you, you're an endangered species.
Derek: Am I?
Clive: Yes, 'cause...
Derek: Who from? You, you c***?
Clive: From the whole world. 'Cause there was a conference held recently, where representations were made on behalf of all the countries in the world, and the motion put forward was that you, Derek, should be wiped out completely - not humanely, but torn limb from f***ing limb, tooth by tooth, and the last thing to be left was to be your nose, and on your nose, they're gonna put a whole load of kerosene, and set fire to it, and they're gonna televise it live by satellite, so at least everyone in the world could have a good f***ing laugh for a change. That's the only thing the world is united on, is the though of seeing you burnt to f***ing death and extinct - that is what would amuse the world, and take their mind off, you know, everyday problems.
Derek: If that would bring the world together, mate, I'm quite willing to sacrifice myself.
Clive: Well, why don't you do it now?
Derek: If that's going to bring world peace...
Clive: It won't bring world peace, it'll just bring one laugh. That's all you're worth - one f***ing laugh.
Derek: When you're laughing, the whole world laughs with you.
Clive: Yeah.
Derek: There you are.
Clive: But when you're burnt to ashes what the f*** do you do then?
Clive: Who did you write to?
Derek: I sent a round robin.
Clive: Yeah? That's no f***ing good. Why didn't you send a letter?
Derek: Well, I sent a letter later.
Clive: What, with the robin?
Derek: No, I sent robin and then, that, you know, it didn't do f*** all, so i sent a letter.
Clive: That's robbing Peter to pay Paul. That's just f***ing stupid. Why didn't you write a letter...
Derek: Well i did write a letter.
Clive: ...instead of sending some stupid f***ing robin?
Derek: I sent robin round because I thought that'd be the way to do it.
Clive: What, robin had the letter?
Derek: No, I just sent robin round.
Clive: What good is robin going round - where the f*** did robin go round to?
Derek: He didn't go round nowhere, I just sent him round!
Clive: Round where?
Derek: He came back, he said "where the f*** am I supposed to go?". I said "I don't f***ing know, I sent you round. Why don't you f***ing go round?"
Clive: Why didn't you send a letter?
Derek: C***.
Clive: Well, have you sent a letter?
Derek: I did send a letter, yes.
Clive: Who to?
Derek: I don't know. I don't know - I sent a f***ing letter. I wrote the letter and put it in the pillar box - I don't know who i sent it to.
Clive: What, you didn't put a stamp on, or address or anything like that?
Derek: No, f*** that - waste of a stamp...
Clive: Well, why don't you follow what John Cleese says on the television?
Derek: I do.
Clive: He says in order for post to get there, he comes out with all these handy f***ing hints. He says put a stamp on a letter and address it.
Derek: F*** that mate.
Clive: That's what I've been doing since I've seen those ads.
Derek: F*** that - write a letter and bung it in a f***ing post box.
Clive: What, with no address?
Derek: No address.
Clive: Well, did you get a reply?
Derek: No! I was f***ing furious. so i wrote another letter.
Clive: What, same method?
Derek: Yeah. Got no f***ing reply again. C***s! They're all c***s out there!
Clive: Still, if it's an endangered species, I say f*** 'em.
Derek: Right.
Clive: I'd like to see every endangered species wiped off the f***ing face of the Earth.
Derek: Mmm.
Clive: People going...they're all moaning on - they say whales are more intelligent than human beings.
Derek: Yeah.
Clive: Are they? Do you think whales and dolphins are more intelligent than human beings?
Derek: Oh yeah.
Clive: Why?
Derek: Says so.
Clive: Yeah, but they're not. Whales are f***ing stupid. Can you mention one whale in the history of mankind that's had a record in the Top 10? Can you? Can you mention one whale who's written the equivalent of...er...Othello? Shakespeare. Health and Efficiency. They've produced nothing in the way of literature. All they've f***ing produced is a load of other whales, and all they eat is f***ing plankton. And they call them intelligent - can you imagine drifting along in the sea with your mouth open, with a lot of f***ing plankton going in?
Derek: Yeah, I can imagine that.
Clive: You'd like it, would you, just drifting around in the sea? And you can't...they're such c***s they can't even breathe underwater. They have to keep coming up the whole f***ing time and spouting. And then some c*** comes on telly and he says "Oh the whale's being wiped out by mankind. Save the f***ing whales." Well, during the war, did we notice a lot of whales rallying round and saying "Save England"? I didn't notice many down my part of the world. I didn't see whales coming up with the Union Jack saying "We'll fight the Boche". No, they're doing f*** all swimming round the f***ing sea, sucking f***ing plankton down. Call that f***ing...
Derek: The whales were all Nazis! All at the Nuremburg rallies, mate - they were all whales.
Clive: What, they were tried in the Nuremburg trial?
Derek: No, they were whales at the rallies - Hitler was talking to whales.
Clive: Well that don't make them more intelligent, 'cause Hitler lost, didn't he?