| Of my childhood, I remember little. And it�s strange, because I feel as though there is something I should remember. The few memories I do have make no sense to me. So tonight, when I was in that place people go to in that moment before sleep, A memory came to me. It brought tears to my eyes, because it reminded me of a time when the world was nice, when everything was fair, and when I was truly happy. It�s a memory of my father and me, in my first real home. I had lived in houses before that, but never a home. I went outside because my father told me it would be good to look at the stars. He said that he would join me shortly. It had to have been about 7:00, during the winter because I remember my dad telling me to put a coat on, and my refusal to do so. I was probably 6 or 7, because at that time, my parents were still together, or where they? I don�t know when they split up... maybe I should try to remember that. Outside, singing, dancing, twirling until I got dizzy. I did that for a while then went back in to get my dad. I wanted him to hear me sing the new song I had made up. I begged him to go outside with me, but he said I had to wait for a little while because he was playing Nintendo with my brother. So I went back out. I sat down on the steps, and then decided that laying on the cold, moist grass would be more fun, so I did. Looking up at the heavens, I practiced finding the Big Dipper and the North Star. I started talking to myself, like little girls do, of my dreams and what I was going to be when I grew up. I didn�t know then that there could possibly be more to life than being a ballerina, which was a desperate hope of mine. I got bored just lying there, so I went to check on my dad and see what he was doing. He was putting my little sister to sleep. I asked him if he was done yet and he said that he needed to read her a story like he had promised. I told him that he had promised to go outside with me, and that I had asked first. He said that he knew, but also that she needed to go to bed then. I think I said something to the effect of why can�t mom do it, and he got very upset saying that mom was gone for the night and he didn�t know when she would be back. I then asked him if I could listen to him read the story, but my little sister started screaming �No! This is my time with daddy! Wait your turn and go do something else! I don�t want you to listen to my story!� My dad scolded her for being a princess before shooing me out of the room with a promise that he would go outside with me when he was done. I went downstairs and lay down on the couch. I waited for at least a half-hour, and knowing that it didn�t take that long for my dad to read a book, I went upstairs again to ask him what he was doing. He was on the phone, talking. I asked him when he would go outside with me, and he answered that it was too late and that I should go to bed. We would go outside tomorrow night. I responded with these words �I can�t go outside tomorrow night, daddy. Tomorrow will be tomorrow and I wont feel like it�s today. All of my emotions won�t be this way, daddy. We need to go outside tonight because tomorrow, tonight won�t be here anymore.� He hung up the phone half a minute later. I grabbed his hand and led him down the stairs and out into the chilly night. Outside, singing, dancing, twirling until I got dizzy. I did that for a while then fell to the ground. I looked over at my dad and I started singing the lullaby that he used to put me to sleep with. Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing, Where have all the flowers gone? Long time ago, Where have all the flowers gone..... At the time, I didn�t know that the song was well known. I just thought that my daddy sang it to me because he knew I liked it. But it was my turn to sing. I needed my daddy out there that night. I needed him there for me, there with me. And I got that. I had to wait, I was pushed off to the side, but I got what I wanted. I went over and sat down next to my dad. I told him what about everything I was thinking, and he listened. I knew that was something I would never forget. But I did. And now I remember. I shouldn�t have forgotten, but that feeling of peace that I had that night... it was very easy to forget with every other emotion that happened the next day. It was an awful next day, and I forgot that one night. But I remember. I remember me, a young girl, talking to my dad. I remember him listening and both of us joking about stupid stuff. I remember the feeling of love that you can only feel when you are a na�ve little girl. My daddy still loves me, but I don�t feel that anymore. Not because his love has changed, but because mine has. Things aren�t cookie cutter anymore. I sometimes wish I could go back to a place where I felt love and peace. But I can�t. My memories bring tears to my eyes because they show me what my life once was, and how I had such a false sense of happiness, a false sense of security. Maybe that�s why I don�t want to remember my memories. If I had a bell, I�d ring it in the morning, I�d ring it in the evening, I�d ring it all over this town. I�d ring out danger, I�d ring out warning, I�d ring out the love between My brother�s and my sisters All over this town...... |
| Memories |