| Bring on the Rain �It doesn�t mean much/Doesn�t mean anything at all/The life that I�ve left behind me/Is a cold room.� ~Sarah McLoclan~ This day started out with rain. I didn�t know that it would end with it as well. When you wake up in the morning, you see a day full of promise, full of life. When the second thought you have is one that has been bothering you for a while, you start to wonder about it. Spending the rest of the day in front of the TV or computer makes for an awful, thought provoking day. You realize certain things and know that nothing could ever be the same. That sometimes change comes in harsh, unexpected ways. That sometimes, the rain falls harder, faster, than you ever thought it could. That your life can be obsessed with a certain thing and you can no longer control it. I woke up and just sat there, listening to the rainfall. It sounded melodic and gave me a sense of calm and well being. I knew that in the end everything would turn out, but I couldn�t help thinking about it. The rain was a symbol of that. I sat there in my bed, wondering at how I let my life fly so far out of my reach. Wondering where it went and how I could find it. Had she taken it away? Had she, with her evil charms gotten me so infatuated with her that I couldn�t feel my heart beat, without giving me an extra thought of her. Had she made my life so focused on her that I couldn�t survive the day without brooding over the fact that she was mad at me? That she wanted no further contact with me? The answer, I found, after a long day in which my thoughts were not my own, was no. She didn�t. I did. The rain stopped about midday and with it went my sense of security. Reality hit me that she wouldn�t be coming back this time, and it wasn�t because she was staying away, it was because I wouldn�t let her. God knows I want her here, but the way she strung me along for so many months just because she needed to feel secure, made me feel a little bit resentful. Reality hits you sometimes and it makes you feel like there is nothing left, makes you feel as though life has thrown you a curve in the path you are walking and you can�t find your way home. It used to scare me, when she did this, that I wouldn�t find her again, that the bond we shared was not strong enough to withstand something like this. And in truth, it wasn�t. I made it in the beginning, always being there for her to lean on without any thought about how it would effect me, and the consequences of my actions were never in my mind. So for her to say that I was never there for her, and for her to say that I obviously didn�t want to be there, for her to say that I messed up by not giving anything to her was what I needed to wake up. I woke up to the knowledge that I was being a fool the whole time and that by letting her do this to me, made her think that it was okay to do to everyone else. The rain started up again shortly after it stopped. It only left for about an hour. When it found me again I almost felt it laughing at me and my newfound information. Almost like it was telling me what I should have known all along. But, at the same time, I felt a pat on the back, as if it were saying, �You messed up, but I�m glad you�re back.� Or maybe that was me telling it to myself. So this time, there wont be any more emails to her, begging her forgiveness for whatever she found wrong about me, there wont be any conversations on how I should change or what I should learn. There will only be me, walking away from a person who has been a fixture in my life for the past 4 years. A person I came to respect only to lose it again every single time she told me how worthless everything in her life was. Lying in my bed at 11 o�clock at night I heard the rain again. It dripped down the windowsill and into my eyes. It was telling me to close this little chapter in my life, but I can�t seem to do that without telling our story. This� this is only the end of it. Someday, I may tell you the beginning, and you can decide for yourself if it was really me being an idiot, or her just being real. |