| Maybe someday we will really live. Maybe someday we will really die. But right now, hell is the only thing we have. If we need love, and if we need to know what happens after death, and we can never achieve those two things, then why even bother? Love does exist, for that one in a million person, but for most of us, it is just a dream, a dream that we will never achieve. Yet we all want it, need it. If that is so, then why don�t we find a way to get it? I mean, if we can put a man on the moon, we sure as hell better be able to find a way to make love real, make it last. But we can�t. We have this great longing to know where we are going to end up after this life we are living. But we do not know. Some of us make up gods to worship, others believe their destiny is in their own hands... Who�s to say that either of them is wrong? But who�s to know weather either of them are right. Where are you going after life? To heaven or hell? Well where did you come up with those ideas? Oh, wait, I remember, the church told you to believe them. So you�re going to think what the church wants you to... I get it. I bet a lot of people understand why you believe what you are told by others. But I don�t. Hell is life. Life is hell. They are one and the same. We want two things we can never have. We desperately need to know these things, but will not learn them in this lifetime, nor on this planet. When we do learn them, that will be the last time your life re-runs, because from then on, you are no longer allowed back here. A lot of people guess at this, a lot of stupid people like myself seem to think they know it. But we don�t. |
| 11/15/01 |
| 11/18/01 |
| In loving someone I find my answer, but what answer am I looking for? I don�t know anybody of importance; I know nothing except of what I want. What do I want? I want music. Not only on the radio, but also in my life always. I want the music in my heart to fly freely; I want it to always be with me. But it is dying. I can no longer remember the songs of yesterday, and the ones tomorrow will be too few. They die with each passing moment, they surrender to my fears, and they are my being, yet my hindrances. I can not win. The music that I need is not a part of me. I try and try and try to keep it there, but I can not. I need to get it out, like I do with my writing, but it is so much harder. I know how to, for my friend, the most brilliant person in the world, Katie, does it every day. She has taught me, but I do not know how to make it work. I can�t. I continue to try, but it will not come out for me. I need help, but I can�t ask for it. I need to find help inside myself, but it�s so far down that its depressing. It is buried behind so many different problems, that it doesn�t have time for this one. And it�s backup, my motivation, is lazy. Because if I am motivated, I do it, I get to where I want to be. No matter what, I will make it. Somehow, I will go the distance I need to go. People do not understand me, I don�t understand me, but someday I will figure out why and where and who. But not today. Please, I am begging of you, do not let the music die. I need it there. With me, always. That�s what I need, but I wont get it. I never do. |
| Babble of the Moment |