this is so absolutely insane.  oh my god.  I can see…how someone feeling like this all the time…would make them think that they’re entirely insane.  it’s like…everything blurring and sharpening…and everything feels new and so different…and what you see…hell, it can’t even be explained!  it’s like…faces in things, just silhouettes of them…  Oh, hell, I need music.  I just looked at the desktop and thought everything looks so familiar.  is it supposed to be like this??  Oh, damn, the trips my mind has taken in the past 5 minutes…in the past hour…I’ve been everywhere.   I laid in front of our gas heater with my dogs because it looked like a fireplace in a cabin…where I could just curl up with my dogs and go to sleep.  but it’s not.  this is a house…in center ridge Arkansas.  a house where the toilet’s still freaking running because my brother didn’t think to make sure it didn’t.  it’s a house that you HAVE to think about things like that.  this is so utterly intense.  how can you describe looking at your shadow and seeing what you’re seeing…unless it’s to someone else who’s on acid…and is patiently awaiting your enlightenment?  my god…I can understand…that doors movie so much better now…talk about clarity.  heh.

it’s so strange.  I can see how people would be trapped into feeling free like this.  it is an incredibly free feeling.  but at the same time, it’s so restricted.  it’s insane.  no attention span, none whatsoever…it’s like, every 2 seconds, I wonder if I might be coming down…but I never am…it just keeps going.  there are so many things to write about and so much to say all the time and you just don’t know what to do with it all.  I was thinking this earlier, but for different reasons…such different reasons… 

oh, geez.  I wish linda’d hurry up.  I know she won’t, she’s on the phone with Jordan…and Jordan won’t ever let her go.  in more than one way.  I suppose, if you’re wanting to be held, it’s a great thing.  having someone that would never let you go.  but…when you’re trying to move on…trying to do different things…it’s horrible.  it’s a crime.  to never let go in that way…how could someone do that to someone else they cared about, ever?  I mean, wouldn’t they want them to be happy, above all else, even if it meant that they wouldn’t be involved with the person at all anymore?  was that even a question.  my god.  I wish she’d hurry.

I left them alone so they could do their masturbatory thing.  I wonder if that was the best of ideas.  I don’t know, I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that Lin has no intention of being in an actual committed relationship with Justin…I wonder, if he ever even wanted one, if she could.

fuck, I need something else to trip on besides writing this.  I wanna leave.  I’m sure they’re done by now.  well, I’ll read back over this…then…we’ll see *shrug*  and…I fogot to get music, completely.  all the way back there…I wrote about it…and forgot.  heh.  music now, bitch! *ordering my body to go and stop typing, but it won’t*  oh….damn….she’s coming…to save me…I think?  god, I hope so.  I think I need some saving.  like…condensed.

haha, no really, I’m fucking insane.  I’m pretty sure this is insanity.  I sure hope it doesn’t last.  it’s like…every couple seconds…sanity seems to come and go really rapidly.  and sometimes…I think I like it…and other times…I can’t stand it and wouldn’t want to be like this forever, not ever, net even if it meant no more worrying and no more carrying and no more CARING…

this is so beyond everything.  I can’t explain it.  not even in my stupid, blunt terms.  like…fuck…I just can’t.

blah.  I will stop and put this in the mine folder, because it is MISSION TIME
*giggle*  yes, we’re on a mission for cigs
and I can’t stop laughing…haha…

it’s amazing how hesitation can fuck things up. :)

alright then.  I think I’m in a slightly saner frame of mine that I was a bit earlier.  I was seriously tripping then.  *lol*  I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve come down now, but I also think I’m better.  its more of a…physical thing now than it was.  Linda confuses me so much.  I guess I can half way understand…or maybe even lots understand…but not to the point that she’s taken things.  Oh, fuck it.  Really.  Aaron and I both decided to stop worrying about this shit.  She’ll do what she likes, she’s old enough.

here’s to the night we felt alive
here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry
here’s to goodbye
tomorrow’s gonna come to soon
so denied
so I lied
in a day
and a day love
I’m gonna be gone for good again
are you willing
to be had
are you coooool with just tonight
here’s a toast to all those
who hear me all too well
here’s to the night we felt alive
here’s to the tears you know you’d cry
here’s to goodbye
tomorrow’s gonna come too soon
put your name on the line
along with place and time
wanna stay
not to go
I wanna ditch the logical
here’s a toast to all those
who hear me all too well
blahblahblah
can’t I stay an hour or two or more
don’t let me let you go
don’t let me let you go

I know she broke your heart…but try to come…come down
shit went bad
he’s on the roof again
she flipped
he flipped
and then he went to the roof where his threats ring loud and clear
gonna jump
gonna jump
gonna die this year

some say my logic is flawed

I say my logic is logical

some say I’m not really human because of my altered state

they say that I can’t deal with reality

I say that this altered state is a direct result of reality

and reality can therefore fuck itself

because this isn’t so damned great

AND (to build on this, if you’re actually still reading)

my point is

that if reality is so bad

that I have to do which isn’t so great

to delude myself

that means…well, what the fuck can that mean?

I can only look at this in my logical way

what I can do about it

what others can do about it

what I can control

what I can’t

because that’s really what it all comes down to

in the end

I say reality is fucked…well, it’s half my fault

at least

I’m maimed, I’m downtrodden, I’m distraught

and half the time, I just don’t care

does this make me a person of the devil?

does this make me evil?

does this even mean that the devil has his hold on me?

is making me do things?

what the hell.

I’ve had more spiritual feelings tonight than I have in

god, I want to say years

even though I know it hasn’t been that long

it can’t have been

well, I just had my own trippy, paranoid moment

glad mine only last exactly that

a moment

so I decided that my jeans were no longer needed

and I now sit here in my trusty superman hoodie

and another shirt, which is rather unmentionable

now that I mention it

I wonder when lin’s going to rejoin reality

this reality

sleepy dog reality

cigarette reality

non orgasmic reality

just…regular, old reality

which…really isn’t so bad.

I wonder what reality aaron sees me in

oh, god, I pray it’s not the reality lin and Jordan have

I pray that

with all my spirituality and faith

every bit in me

because, right now, what I feel for aaron is so precious

it’s REAL

real reality

something to cling to

even when I’m actually sane

and not on shit

is it the sleepy dog reality?

god, how could he love me if he saw that.

saw that…I just want comfort

I just want to live in the same place forever

and ever and ever and ever

why do I think that the real me would be so indesirable?

is that why I have nomadic tendencies?

is that why I’m sitting here at four thirty in the morning

contemplating this?

fuck, what in god’s name does he see in me?

this is all I am, as good as I get

in reality

me, in a superman hoodie

that I’m so fucking attached to

ohhh…I want to to talk to him. *sigh*

oh, jesus, help me

say you’re real

I don’t care if you ARE

just…pretend for a while…for me?

hell, you died for me

just…come back and talk…for just a minute?

I could really use some spiritual guidance, you know.

I seriously wonder at myself sometimes

I seriously have considered admitting myself to some institution before

not many people know how seriously

I think stormy is as close to knowing as I am

I asked her if she’d come visit me

and she said of course

I had been joking

I think she thought I was really really serious

as in…she could see doing it

am I that insane?

am I that off?

shit, why do people bother with me, then?

I know that some crazy people must’ve had good mothers

and fucked up fathers

and strange lives

and horrible personalities

like mine

I guess…I don’t want to be alone anymore

I think it would be very beneficial for me to stop being alone

I need…neeeeeeed  to find people like me

maybe I should go there

I thought geoff was like me

I still think he is

does that make him crazy too?

I loved…love him…so much

I haven’t talked to him in too long

I need him, I still do, I always will

fuck, I don’t think I like this.

I mean…it’s fun and all

and it lasts hella long

maybe…doing at a rave…yeah

but not alone…like I am

too much time to think…too much time to contemplate

I’m glad I have such a short attention span, though

less time to spend on depressing shit

damn, it’s cold in here

so winter like

I never have liked winter

though I love snow

oh, god, I love snow

I would’ve been soooo ecstatic

just to stay in Choctaw and play in it

just revel in it…it’s so perfect…

pure…even what with all the fucking pollutants…

snow…it’s still white…and perfect…

ahhh.  this is one I’m not going to convince you on.  *lol*

I’ll quit while I’m ahead, k?  teehee

time for another cig and to see if lin and Jordan might be done with their sexual matings by now

who knows?

it could happen.

and…all that…just goes to show how much I know.  *lol*

no sexual matings occurred

lin’s…I don’t know…doing something…

about Jordan?  maybe?

granted…I thought that before…

I don’t know. maybe.  eh.

I’m…just…kind of a whatever feeling.

:)  such a nice feeling

but, I do stand corrected.  amazingly so.

I never doubted that she had it in her

I knew she could do it, if she chose to

and I suppose, it all comes down to the reasons

which are good enough

which aren’t

I don’t know…I’m torn

on one hand, I can very much see his point

ah, hell, didn’t I say I was gonna drop this?

or something like that?  haha

there’s got to be something better going on in my silly little mind

something other than this little soap opera

as lin distracts me back to it

boy, it’s tempting…but I think I’ll just move on

to that little fairy tale land

like in merentha

all of it real…snow white, rapunzel, Cinderella

I think I like that place muy much

muy mucho

as a thought, I despise that language

freaking spanish…it’s annoyed me so

I have some cool stories

I say that’s what makes life worth living

that’s how you know if you’ve really lived

and I can’t say anything if I can’t say that

I have lived

boy, oh, boy

I have lived

question is…what’s next?

after all that living?

so I went upstairs and got all pretty

ok, so maybe not, I am still just me, after all

but with a brand new spiffy coat of lipstick!

oh, yeah, baby.

I actually rather like this color on me, though

which is more than can be said for most

this song is so fucking cool

all of it

I really really like it

shit went bad, he’s on the roof again

he flipped, she flipped

the verge, it never ends

then to the roof where his threats ring loud and clear

gonna jump gonna JUMP gonna die this year…

such a cool song.  good lyrics, good music…

mmmhmm…and cute punk boys.

ok, now a chill outty song

I really like this song

ok, so I’ve been listening to the last 2 songs repeatedly

I admit it

I’m horrible

I need a new one.

you know, out of 89423052043873204 mp3’s, you’d think I could find one

so, I tried.  happy peaceful songs.  it didn’t work.

I’m in such a fuck it mood.

everything can be damned

if you don’t like me…fuck me?  nah, that’s not a good line.

I’d love to be on a roof…screaming at the top of my lungs

just telling the world all of these people to go away

go fuck themselves

with their standards and their shallow dreams

to scream that reality is so much different

can’t they see how different?

reality…reality is the crushing pain that my father is in…

reality is us trying not to cry for him ahead of time

reality FUCKING SUCKS

it brings me to tears just thinking about it

though it shouldn’t.

I know he doesn’t care about me.

not at all.

fuck that.

whoa, boy.  I need to chill.  I’m just pissing myself off.

the lyrics to some of these songs…I swear…

people are geniuses.

and no one really sees a song for its lyrics…

but…some…are so fucking amazing.

and true…and perfect…

I wish I could achieve that perfection…

almost more than anything…

to be able to communicate those feelings…

that have no other expression

but art.

some people can do it with combinations of words

in a way…that you just know…there’s more to it than words.

it’s better than words

it has depth, true depth

if reality was as real as it should be, you would never be able to see the bottom

that deep

you can just get lost in the words

the meaning

the FEELING

that’s what it’s all about.  the feeling

if it inspires feeling…it’s art.

deep feeling…my god…

of course…all that’s just in my opinion, eh?

dude.  I swear.  the gizmos they put in this word…

so many commands…and I just don’t know what the fuck they’re doing

ever see me staring at a computer screen with a complete expression of

befuddlement

(teehee, I don’t believe that’s a word)
that’s why.  it just did something I can’t even comprehend.

yet again.

life does that to me a lot

throws people into it…

I don’t know if they’re bad or good

if I’m going to end up regretting being anywhere near them

or…what?

but.  that’s what I get.  what I’m dealt.

aimee and cori…damn, I miss them.

they should’ve been around for my first time to trip.

cori tried enough, after all