I Never Had Any Closer Friends Than The Ones I Had When I Was Young...Alone Again
"When you cried
I'd wipe away all of your tears, when
you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, I held
your hand through all of these years, but you still
have...all of me."
After what seemed to be the millionth time I'd heard
the song that day, I reached forward through my teary
haze to rewind the tape once again. We couldn't stop
listening to the song...we couldn't let it go.
The day had started with a plan to go put flowers on
Sarah's grave. Stormy, Bailey, Jess, and I all piled
in my Tercel, pulled out of Stormy's driveway, and
started listening to the song that would seemingly
affect the rest of our day. We got there quickly, for
us, making only one stop at the Dollar Store for some
cheap, fake flowers.
We pulled into the huge cemetary and parked along the
road, near Sarah's grave. The cool, overcast day
pressed close, hurrying us to find the stone that
marked Sarah's grave. As we stood around it, clinging
to one another, it struck me that I was standing in
front of a tragedy. A 17 year old girl and her baby,
murdered...but what for? I felt tears welling up in
my eyes for the girl, though i'd hadn't known her, as
I held Bailey and let her cry.
When we had finished and calmed a bit, we sat in the
car and tried to think of something else to do. After
long minutes of debate, we decided to find the
cemetary where Jessica's grandmother is buried. Off
we went, once again, still listening to the song
without pause.
This cemetary took a bit longer to find, but we
eventaully made it. The four or us clambered out of
the car, this time simply leaving it parked in the
road. Bailey and Stormy went in one direction to take
pictures of graves and Jess headed in another to put
the flowers on her grandmother's grave. I was feeling
at odds with my friends, myself, the day...just
everything...so I stayed with the car, still endlessly
listening to the song.
I sat there, looking out at the pale gray sky covering
Benton and let my mind wander. "These wounds won't
seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just
too much that time cannot erase." The haunting lyrics
pushed my thoughts towards a depressing edge...and I
began to cry.
After what seemed to be a long time, I noticed Jess
making her way back to me. Since I'm not really big
on letting people see me cry, I quickly wiped my tears
away. Jess walked over to the car and leaned against
it, near me. I glanced up, hoping she wouldn't be
able to tell I'd been crying, and saw the tears on her
face. I got out of the car. I held her close, rocked
her, sobbed with her.
By the time I noticed Bailey and Stormy approaching, I
knew I wouldn't be able to hide the fact I'd been
crying. Jess ran to Stormy and I collapsed back into
my seat to listen to the song's end. "I tried so hard
to tell myself that you're gone. But though you're
still with me, I've been alone...all along."
Rewind.
As the tape stopped then resumed playing, Bailey sat
down beside me in the passenger seat. I looked away
from the radio, tearstained, sniffling, and still
crying to find Bailey with tears in her eyes, as well.
We clung to each other, letting our pain out. I
cried for so much...myself, my friends, my family,
babies, and poor girls like Sarah...so much. I cried
till I had no tears left. I think we all did. We
wiped the last of our tears away and began to see
clearly again...and we were all still there, for each
other. I felt a closeness I'd never experienced
before. To give up so much control, to show so much
pain to anyone, even though they didn't know the exact
details...was just unheard of. But after I'd bared my
soul to these three friends...they were still here.
They still loved me.
We listened to the song once more as we left the
cemetary, then made a concious decision to stop. We'd
had enough grief for the day.
Now that so much time has passed, I start to wonder if
that inexplicable closeness I felt was really shared
by the rest of the group. I've barely spoken to
Bailey or Jess in MONTHS...and what for? I don't even
remember. Was it worth cutting myself off from these
two amazingly close friends? No.
Maybe, that day, the grief was just beginning.
"I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my
childish fears. But if you have to leave, I wish that
you would just leave. 'Cause your presence still
lingers here, and it won't leave me alone.
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too
real, there's just too much that time cannot erase.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, when
you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, I held
your hand through all of these years, but you still
have...all of me.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light.
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face,
it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice, it's
chased away all the sanity in me.
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,
I held your hand through all of these years,
but you'll still have...all of me.
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. But
though you're still with me, I've been alone...all
along.
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,
I held your hand through all of these years,
but you still have...all of me."