I Hate You

i hate the way that i can imagine the way you smell at random times, completely against my will, and it's so real that it nearly brings tears to my eyes.

i hate the memory of how you held me on your lap on that broken picnic bench as the sun set and as it got colder, you held me closer.

i hate the way those bluey-greeny eyes of yours look at me so seriously when we're in bed, suggesting emotions that can't be there.

i hate the way you kissed my hand after we made out in the back of Spencer's...and i hate the way i dream about that tiny bit of affection every night even more.

i hate how you knew exactly the right things to do to seduce me that first time, knew exactly where and how to touch me to break down my will completely.

i hate the way we play fight and how you get all gentle and concerned when you really hurt me.

i hate the way that you get along so well with my friends.

but, mostly...mostly i hate you because i should love you for these reasons. they should be utterly endearing. but since i'm not allowed to even like you, much less love you, i have to hate you for being you. not a very good deal, is it? i wish i were what you want, instead of someone that you have sex wioth because you don't have to worry about it that way. even better, i wish you weren't you.i wish i wasn't attracted to you, your personality, your body, your spirit. i wish i knew your heart so i could wish i weren't attracted to that part of you, too.

and my hate and wishes do me exactly no good.
you're selfish and i'm stupid.