ÒHold on, hold on to yourself,
For this is gonna hurt like Hell.
Hold on, hold on to yourself,
You know that only time will tell.Ó
Quatre sat reading Frankenstein, one of the thousands of books in his familyÕs magnificent library. The book was one of his favorites, something that he could always turn to when he needed to escape. Lately, that he had tried to escape from everything. The pressure of running his fatherÕs businesses had forced him to work long hours and he barely had any time for himself; or for otherÉ important matters. Even the help that his sisters provided didnÕt give him much downtime, and when he could, he avoided thinking about the real world by settling into a good book. This was the least of his worries for the moment though. Trowa was on his way for a visit.
TrowaÕs comingÉ Quatre reflected, feeling a grin spread across his face. I canÕt wait until my ÒfriendÓ gets here, he thought, looking smug. Quatre closed his eyes, having lost all interest Mary ShelleyÕs ancient masterpiece and thought back to the moment when he and Trowa had admitted their affection for each other.
* * *
ÒTrowa! Are you okay?Ó Quatre asked, running to where the clown had fallen.
Trowa had lost his balance while practicing a tightrope act and tumbled several feet to the ground, landing with a resounding THUD. He had landed on his arm and looked like he was in pain. ÒYeah Quatre, IÕm fine. DonÕt worry about it,Ó Trowa said, trying to calm the worried look in QuatreÕs eyes. Trowa smiled faintly at him, but then, noticing the sudden, if small, look of shock on QuatreÕs face, pulled his demeanor back into a strict look of discipline had returned to the tightrope.
WaitÉ was thatÉ a smile? Quatre felt a small shudder run through his spine. HeÕs never smiled for anyone other than CathrineÉ A smileÉ for me? That feeling that Quatre sometimes felt for a pretty girl, even the occasional boy, welled up in his stomach. When it came over him, he realized that this was not the first time heÕs felt like this for Trowa.
Trowa tried to concentrate on walking the rope, but he kept casting glances at Quatre. The Arabian was looking at him in shock, yet with an expression that portrayedÉ something elseÉ Trowa tried to ignore it and, coming to the end of the rope, jumped off, flipped through the air and landed perfectly on the ground. He tried not to look at Quatre as he walked into his changing room, not noticing that Quatre was following himÉ
When Trowa walked out of the dressing room, changed and make-up removed, he was greeted by QuatreÕs smiling face. Quatre looked right into TrowaÕs shining emerald green eyes and tried not to let his face betray his sudden urge to melt into TrowaÕs arms. He could see that Trowa was becoming uncomfortable with the situation and that he was loosing the only chance to tell Trowa what he felt. The blond pilot looked straight into the taller boyÕs eyes and started to speak.
ÒTrowaÉ I, umÉ that is uh, oh I just umÉÓ he began to mumble incoherently. He was desperately trying to push the words past his lips, but nothing was happening. Damn it! ItÕs now or never! Why canÕt I say ÔTrowa, I like you a lot. Do you want to go out?Õ What the Hell is my problem? Trowa got a really confused look on his face as he began to inch away from Quatre. Just when it looked like Trowa would turn and run, Quatre blurted out, ÒTrowaIreallylikeyouandIwanttobeyourboyfriend!Ó Quatre scrunched his eyes closed and smacked himself on the forehead, trying to cover up his own confusion over the junk he had just sputtered out. ÒDamn no, I mean, ah damn,Ó Quatre began. Stupid, stupid, stupid! HeÕs never gonna respond well to that! Quatre silently cursed to himself. He had turned and was just about to walk away when Trowa grabbed his shoulder and spun him around, staring him straight in the eye.
TrowaÕs face showed no hint of what he thought, but Quatre knew his did. He could feel his cheeks flaring up and felt that hot, uncomfortable feel all around his body, accompanied by the twinge of embarrassment in his stomach. What happened next was beyond anything that Quatre had hoped could have happened. Trowa wrapped his arms around him and whispered in his ear, ÒLittle one, I understand you,Ó and then kissed Quatre full on the lips. Quatre let himself sink into the kiss, putting behind him all the suffering of the recently ended war, the nights he had feared rejection from this tall, beautiful boy, and the fear that he would never find that special someone who he could share his heart with.
* * *
ÒWhat is it in me that refuses to believe,
This isnÕt easier than the real thing?Ó
Quatre smiled broadly at the memory of their first kiss. He relished in it for a few moments, then his smiled faded when he remembered that time when Trowa had fallen during a show and knocked himself unconscious for four days and had to be rushed to a hospital on L3. Quatre had suddenly left work, putting the business in his sistersÕ hands and rushed to see Trowa. At first, there seemed to be a definite possibility that TrowaÕs brain would swell and he would die. Quatre sat by his side with Cathrine for nearly three days when Trowa opened his eyes and looked around the room. By some miracle, Trowa had no brain damage and, aside from a slight loss of memory and a few broken ribs, was in great health. After nearly a week and a half in the hospital, he was able to return home. Quatre forced him to come to the Winner estate for a while to make sure that he would recover completely and after some resistance, Trowa stayed at his loverÕs house for nearly a month.
It turned out all right in the end, but IÕll never forget that fear I had of losing him. It was like watching him die. If I ever go through that again, IÕll never recover, Quatre shuddered to himself. ÒBut no need to worry. My Trowa will be here soon and then things will be perfect,Ó Quatre remarked out loud, stretching as he set the book down. But something was still bothering him. There was something amiss, but he couldnÕt figure out what. Not one to believe in intuition, he left the library to make sure that all was set for TrowaÕs arrival.
Waiting for Trowa to arrive was always the hardest part of his visits, next to him leaving, Quatre thought. A very frustrated look crossed his face as he waited in his room. From his window he could see everything for miles in either direction. The day dragged on and on as Quatre waited for his beloved, but no one came. TrowaÕs really late. He should have been here hours ago. ThatÕs when the phone rangÉ
ÒMy love, you know that youÕre my best friend,
You know IÕd do anything for you.
My love, let nothing come between us,
My love for you is strong and true.
Am I in Heaven here? Am IÉ
At the crossroads I am standing.Ó
ÒMaster Quatre,Ó Rasid said, knocking lightly on the door to QuatreÕs room.
ÒWhat is it Rasid?Ó Quatre relied, getting a slightly nervous feeling.
ÒMs. Cathrine Bloom is on the phone. She says she needs to talk to you. Now.Ó The tone of RasidÕs voice was something that Quatre had never heard before. It was real fear.
Quatre activated the viewphone that sat next to his bed and came face to face with a ghostly pale, trembling, Cathrine. ÒWhat is it? What happened?Ó Quatre asked panicked.
ÒDonÕt you know? Trowa was going to your house whenÉ Oh God! Trowa! HeÕsÉ heÕsÉÓ Cathrine screamed hysterically. She didnÕt have to finish. Quatre had already turned white and was shaking like the poor woman he saw in the video screen.
ÒIs he?Ó Quatre started, only praying that his answer would be no. By some miracle, it was.
ÒNo. Not yet. HeÕs in the main hospital on L4. HeÕs in surgery now, but there is no guess on how long it will take. Or what kind of chances he has,Ó Cathrine sobbed. ÒIÕm on my way out to L4 now. Please, go to my brother. If he makes it out of this, heÕll want to see you.Ó
Within the hour, Quatre had gotten to the hospital where Trowa was being operated on. There was still no word on his condition, only that he was doing very poorly and it looked fatal. That he had lived this long was a miracle in itself. He ran from the hospital and dropped to his knees in the lawn, crying uncontrollably. I could have survived anything. But not this. Please not this. DonÕt take him from me, Quatre begged. He had never been one for religion, and even now he could find no reason why any god would want to take Trowa from him. ÒI would have given anything to keep this from happening! Why are you doing this!Ó Quatre screamed to the sky. ÒWHY?!?!?!?Ó Only silence answered him.
During the next few hours, Quatre managed to contact Heero, Duo, and Wu Fei and inform them on the situation. Cathrine had shown up just after and waited with Quatre and when one cried, the other would console them, until they both ended up in tears. Then things would calm down for a few moments before one of them would start up again.
ÒHow did it happen Cathrine?Ó Quatre asked.
ÒCar wreck. Some one lost control of their car and it slammed into the car you sent to pick him up in,Ó Cathrine replied. From the look on her face, she was in no mood to discuss it.
After an hour or two, the doctor came out of the operating room and said, ÒMs. Bloom? I need to speak to you.Ó The look on his face was not good.
ÒHow is he?Ó Cathrine asked.
ÒLet me just say that weÕve done all that we can. WeÕve got our top surgeons operating on himÉÓ the doctor began, but was interrupted by Cathrine.
ÒI donÕt care if you have Einstein operating on him! How is my brother! Tell me!Ó she demanded.
The doctor paused, then, taking a minute and closing his eyes to deliver the news said, ÒHe probably wonÕt live through the night. There was no damage to hid brain, but his other organs have started to fail from the damage sustained in the wreck. Along with that, we canÕt get the internal bleeding to stop. ItÕs very slow, but we canÕt do much for him.Ó
CathrineÕs stability was entirely shattered and she collapsed. Quatre rushed over and slowly laid her down. ÒSheÕll be fine. Please, go and make sure TrowaÕs comfortable. She and I both want him to be at peace for this last day,Ó Quatre said to the doctor. The doctor just gave a nod and walked back into the O.R. Quatre dragged Cathrine onto one of the couches in the lobby and asked for a blanket to put around her. About an hour later, the other three Gundam pilots showed up. Duo and Hilde showed up first. Duo rushed over to Quatre and caught the smaller man in a tight embrace. Quatre began to sob again and Duo felt a tear or two trickle down his cheek. Ironic, Duo thought sarcastically, Shinigami, crying over death. Heero showed up almost immediately after Duo and Hilde, with Relena at his side. It was quite obvious that Heero had not exactly wanted Relena to come along, but he knew how much the Gundam Pilots had meant to her, even if she wasnÕt very close to them. About twenty minutes after them came Wu Fei. He too took Quatre into a hug and tried to calm him.
ÒItÕs not fair Wu. Why?Ó Quatre stammered.
ÒItÕs not fair, I know. ItÕs one of the great injustices of the world. You must be strong. DonÕt look sad. YouÕve always been our light, the source of innocence during the war,Ó Wu Fei said soothingly to the shaking Arabian, Òand Trowa will need that now.Ó
ÒBut what if he never sees me?Ó Quatre whimpered.
ÒHe will,Ó is all Wu Fei could say in reply.
Wu Fei had been right and Trowa had come out of the operation; barely, but he had made it. Cathrine was the only one who was admitted to see him at first. He was unconscious and very weak, but he had remained alive. Cathrine talked to the doctor and told him that the others would like to see him too. At first he refused, saying that Trowa was too badly hurt for them to see him, but once Heero insisted (in a very Heero-like manner) the doctor stepped down and let the pilots and their companions in. The sight of Trowa attached to all the machinery caused Quatre to stumble at first. But remembering what Wu Fei had said, he pulled himself together and walked over to Trowa. He sat by his bed and held his hand, hoping that something would happen. But Trowa didnÕt even stir. He kept breathing steadily, looking almost serene. Quatre looked at Cathrine, and even though it broke her heart, she nodded to him in silent understanding and ushered the others out of the room. She returned and knelt by TrowaÕs bed, bowing her head.
ÒCan I have some time with him? I know what he is to you, but I want to be with my brother now,Ó Cathrine said without looking and Quatre. She just remained still, eyes glazed over as she stared at her brotherÕs rising chest. He didnÕt know how she had found out about their relationship, he and Trowa had never told anyone, but he obliged and left the room.
ÒNow youÕre sleepinÕ peaceful,
I lie awake and I pray,
That youÕll be strong tomorrow
And weÕll see another day,
And we will praise it,
And love the light that brings a smile across your face.Ó
Quatre was at a total loss of what to do. He took the blanket that he had had brought for Cathrine when he was in the waiting room and wrapped himself in it, falling asleep outside of TrowaÕs room. He didnÕt sleep peacefully though, as the horrible images of Trowa lying on his deathbed filled his dreams. He remembered waking up once and whispering TrowaÕs name, shaking violently and covered in sweat. He had become a nervous wreck. Wandering down into the lobby, Quatre found the others trying to occupy themselves. Relena was crying on Wu Fei, Hilde and Duo had fallen asleep on each other and Heero was looking like the Perfect Solider that he always was. There was something about him that caught QuatreÕs attention thoughÉ Something in his manner just wasnÕt right.
Quatre walked over to Heero and sat down next to him. ÒHello Quatre,Ó was his only reply.
ÒHello Heero,Ó Quatre replied. After a few moments of awkward silence, Heero leaned over and quickly hugged Quatre. ÒWhat was that for?Ó Quatre asked, a little more than surprised.
ÒBecause you care. YouÕve been stronger than the rest of us. You took a chance and even though you suffer now, you donÕt regret doing what youÕve done,Ó Heero said.
Quatre was more than a little stunned at the fact that Heero had just said more than he had the whole time Quatre had known him. ÒWhy do you say that?Ó Quatre asked quizzically.
ÒWe know what was going on between you and Trowa. YouÕd have to be blind not to,Ó Heero said annoyed. Quatre blushed with embarrassment as Heero continued. ÒYou two took a leap that required so much risk, just for the chance to be happy for maybe only minutes. Yet you did it anyway. And whatÕs more, you werenÕt ashamed to let your emotions take control. ThatÕs more courage than IÕve ever shown. I wish that I had that kind of courage,Ó he said. The last remark seemed misplaced, as it was definitely not directed at the current situation. ÒIÉ I actually feel again. I havenÕt felt anything in a long, long time, but I feel something now. I feel sadness. IÕm sorry this has to happen to such wonderful people like you and Trowa,Ó Heero finished. His composure was beginning to crumble, along with the desensitization that came with his training. A real person was beginning to come out, and that person was sad. Tears began to slip down his face and he casually brushed them away.
ÒThank you for the compliment Heero,Ó Quatre whispered to the Japanese man, putting his hand on his shoulder. Heerp continued to cry silently as Quatre returned the hug and got up to find a couch to sleep on. He hadnÕt noticed before, but the sun was starting to come up and Cathrine still hadnÕt emerged from the room. That meant that Trowa had performed another miracle; he had survived the night.
Quatre thought of how the dawning sun dulled in comparison to his boyfriendÕs smiles; those smiles that were reserved just for him. Not even Cathrine got to see the look of complete peace that Quatre saw when Trowa held him in his arms. Quatre felt a weak smile spreading across his face at the memories of the times they had watched the sun rise, completely content and Trowa had smiled one of those smiles at him. His eyes filled with tears, but then his smiled fell as he realized that he and Trowa would never see another sunrise like that again.
ÒOh God, if youÕre out there, wonÕt you hear me?
I know that weÕve never talked before.
Oh God, the man I love is leaving,
WonÕt you take him when he comes to your door?Ó
After finding a couch, Quatre laid down and took a nap. Several hours later, Cathrine tapped Quatre on the shoulder and urgently dragged him into TrowaÕs room, suddenly vibrant and awake. ÒHeÕs awake! He come too and actually said something!Ó Cathrine raved, her eyes alight with hope. The two arrived at the room only seconds later, but Trowa was already asleep again, like he had never been awake at all. CathrineÕs eyes dimmed and her shoulders slumped. ÒItÕs your turn now. I donÕt want to leave him, but IÕve said everything that I need to,Ó she said coldly. She was obviously angry, but Quatre didnÕt care. He was too sad to care about much. Cathrine closed the door and Quatre knelt beside TrowaÕs bed. ÒWhat can I do? Why is this happening? Why are you leaving me?Ó Quatre whispered to Trowa. Quatre closed his eyes and waited for the tears to come, but they never did. He realized that he had cried himself out and all that mattered now was that he was with Trowa and Trowa was at peace. All Quatre could do was hope for a quick end now. He lowered his head to the ground and closed his eyes let his thoughts overtake him. If there is a God out there, Quatre thought, let this end be peaceful. And when this is over, keep him safe. It took Quatre by shock, but he realized that he was praying. After a few more moments of total stillness, Quatre cried. He didnÕt know what to do. He felt so much guilt, he felt like it was because of him that Trowa was here now, dying. He never got to say his final good-bye. After a while, Quatre just stared out of the window above TrowaÕs bed. He watched the time pass, saw the sun set and the moon rise. Sometime around 6 A.M., Trowa groaned and opened his eyes.
ÒAm I in Heaven here oh? Am I in Hell?
At the crossroads I am standing.Ó
ÒTrowa! YouÕre awake!Ó Quatre gasped, happiness and joy overtaking his whole countenance.
ÒOf course little one,Ó he whispered, weakly forcing a smile. ÒI couldnÕt go without saying good-bye to my angel.Ó
ÒDonÕt say that. YouÕve made some many miracles already, youÕll be fine. YouÕll recover and weÕll get to go on a longÉÓ Quatre began, tears filling in his eyes.
ÒNo Quatre. I know that itÕs my time. The morphine is keeping me from feeling much pain, but itÕs there. The end isnÕt long off. Go get everyone. I want to say good-bye to them,Ó Trowa asked. When Quatre hesitated, Trowa smiled slightly and said, ÒI promise to be here when you come back.Ó Quatre jumped up and bolted through the hospital to retrieve the others. They were all awake now and Quatre frantically motioned for them to come. When they arrived, Trowa was still awake, just staring at the ceiling.
ÒThank you for being here. I want to say good-bye to all of you. It has been a pleasure and an honor to fight with you. Our friendships gave me new reason to go on,Ó Trowa said weakly. It was obvious that the end was near. ÒDonÕt forget me. I only hope that I touched your lives as much as you touched mine.Ó TrowaÕs word brought tears to all eyes in the room. It had not been much in terms of what most people would say, but from Trowa, the few sentences had meant volumes to everyone. Suddenly, he spoke again, ÒI want to say something to my little one.Ó It was the only time he had called Quatre ÒLittle oneÓ in public, so the others knew enough to leave the room. When they were gone, he kneeled down to look Trowa in the eye.
ÒQuatre, do you know what youÕve done for me?Ó Trowa asked.
ÒItÕs because of me that this is happening!Ó the blond man sobbed, ignoring his loverÕs question. ÒIf I hadnÕt been so stressed out, you would never have come, and this wouldnÕt have happened!Ó Quatre put his head down on TrowaÕs chest and wept.
ÒItÕs not your fault little one. I would have come anyway. That was just an excuse. I realize that I have never actually told you how much youÕve changed my life. With out you, I would have died along time ago. In all practical terms, I was dead. But when I knew how much you cared for me, my life was revived and I can never thank you enough.Ó Trowa fought to stay conscious, but wanted to push out the last few words he thought. ÒYou saved my soul.Ó
ÒThank you Trowa. I couldnÕt have survived without you either,Ó was all the Quatre could say. IÕve never told him. IÕve never told Trowa that I love him. If I donÕt tell him now, IÕll never get to and IÕll never forgive myself. The realization hit Quatre like a Taurus suit. He panicked when he realized that Trowa had closed his eyes again.
ÒNow youÕre sleepinÕ peaceful,
I lie awake and I pray,
That youÕll be strong tomorrow
And weÕll see another day,
And we will praise it,
And love the light that brings a smile across your face.Ó
ÒTrowa? Can you still hear me?Ó Quatre pleaded. Relief washed over him as Trowa struggled, but opened his eyes again. Quatre looked at his quickly fading beloved, trying to speak the words he so desperately needed to, but nothing came out. No! This has to be done! I must tell him! Quatre screamed mentally. Finally, the power came to him and, looking straight into TrowaÕs green eyes, he said slowly, ÒAi shiteru Trowa. I love you foreverÉÓ
Quatre looked up at the window above TrowaÕs bed and saw the sun come lifting above the horizon. ÒLook! The sun!Ó Quatre exclaimed.
ÒJust like the sunrises we used to watch,Ó Trowa said, looking hazily out the window. He turned and looked Quatre straight in the eye and gave him one of those special looks that no one else ever received. Quatre saw the smile and leaned down to kiss Trowa. ÒI love you too little one,Ó Trowa said. His breathing became erratic and closed his eyes, whispering, ÒDanteÕs prayer, my angel,Ó into QuatreÕs ear.
TrowaÕs breathing stopped suddenly and Quatre looked up in fear. ÒTrowa? TROWA! NO!!!Ó Quatre yelled, but in his mind he knew that it was over. He turned his face to the sky, tears streaming from his eyes, but then lowered his face one last time to TrowaÕs. ÒItÕs over, love. Just let go,Ó he choked out.
Trowa drew one more shallow breath, then exhaled and was still. Quatre began crying uncontrollably and wailed an antagonizing moan.
ÒHold on, hold on to yourself,
For this is gonna hurt like Hell.Ó