fanfic_anl4

A NEW LIFE

PART FOUR

Picking up the next journal, he took a deep breath, knowing that this volume would contain the time that he and Quatre had struggled to reach each other. He was worried that this volume would prove that he'd completely destroyed Quatre during that time when he'd been unable to give him the relationship he desired.

The first entries talked about joining the Preventers, and even the episode with Marieminna. Quatre glossed over the events concerning the child. He protected her even in his writings of her. The pieces he wrote about Trowa were long and drawn out. He wrote of his happiness to learn that Trowa felt the same way for him, and the joy that he felt knowing his dreams were about to come true.

'I never dreamed it would happen like this. I never hoped to imagine that it could be so perfect. Trowa and I went to the circus to see his sister, Catherine. I'm not sure she was very happy to see me at first, but I think Trowa must have said something to her, because after I returned from bringing in the present we'd brought her from the car, she seemed to be much
more friendly.

'We sat and had some tea, and then Trowa took me around and introduced me to all the animals. It seemed almost childish at the time, but I was so happy to be allowed this experience. He's so passionate about the animals. I wonder if there's a way we could get a lion in the complex? Lady Une might not like that idea, but if it will make Trowa happy I'll find a way.

'I asked Trowa about Catherine, and he blushed before telling me she had just been grumpy. I was so startled to see him blush, that I didn't even care about Catherine anymore. He's so cute when he blushes. AHHH! But I'm getting ahead of myself again. Notice I tend to do that where Trowa is concerned? Oh well.

'I'm not sure what happened, but there must have been a piece of rope or something lying on the path, because I tripped and fell like an idiot. But I'm not complaining. Immediately, Trowa was by my side, asking me if I was all right. I told him I was only being clumsy, and he shouldn't worry about me. He turned away from me then, and blushed again before saying, 'I always worry about you, Quatre.' I swear my heart was beating so loud I was sure everyone on the colony could hear it. I could sense from Trowa this emotion I'd only sense in passing before. It felt like.well, I guess you could say like warm cookies. Comforting, and yet very exciting. I must have blushed then too because the next thing I knew we were both laughing. God I love to hear him laugh. He doesn't do it very often, but when he does, it lights up my entire life. I want to be the one to make him laugh like that forever. 'We went back to the trailer, and chatted with Catherine for a while, before Trowa and I retired to his old one. I guess Catherine had been keeping the trailer with the circus hoping Trowa would return. She'd said we could sleep there for tonight, because Trowa is going to introduce me to the show tomorrow evening. I'm very excited, but I'm even more excited,
happy, ecstatic, amazed.oh, just listen.

'When we got to his trailer, Trowa realized that there was only one bed. He said that he'd sleep on the floor, but I told him there was no way, that it was his trailer, and I'd be more than happy to sleep on the floor. But again he refused, saying I was his guest. I didn't know how to rebuff that one, so I simply put my foot down, and said no. The next thing I knew, we were agreeing to share the bed. I was so amazed and a little scared that I couldn't even blush.

'We were getting ready to go to sleep when I sensed fear coming from Trowa. It wasn't bad fear, almost an embarrassed kind. I asked him what was wrong, saying I could see he was upset from his expression. Trowa still doesn't know that I can read him so well. I think perhaps that I'll keep it my little secret.

'He said he was a little embarrassed. I asked him what for, and he blushed again. I couldn't help the smile that stole across my face then, he really is very cute when he blushes. He was very quiet then, before telling me that he didn't have anything to sleep in. This puzzled me, since we'd known we were going to stay the night. I asked him why he didn't just sleep in one of his shirts, and he blushed again, well now that I think about it, he'd never stopped blushing from the first time. Then he said in the cutest voice, 'I don't usually sleep in anything.' I just about died. My Trowa, the boy of my dreams, who'd slept in the room next to mine for the last seven months, had been naked all that time. I think my heart must have stopped beating, I know I was getting lightheaded.

'I wasn't sure what to say, and then all of a sudden, I was telling him not to worry about it, I didn't mind. I know! Can you believe I said that? The words never even registered in my brain, they just went straight from my heart to my mouth. You should have seen his expression, it was stunned, like he'd never imagined I'd say something like that. I couldn't believe it
either, and for a second, I panicked. I scanned him quickly to see just how much damage to our friendship I'd done, when the most amazing thing happened, he laughed. A hearty laugh, that shook the trailer even. For a second I didn't think he was going to stop. I was so embarrassed, and still more than a little afraid, I went to his side to apologize. Then it happened.

'I put my hand on his knee, and a bolt of something ran through both him and myself. All of a sudden, he stopped laughing, and just stared at me. I couldn't read anything from his expression, and so I linked again with him, hoping to find out what the feeling was that had stunned us both. And there it was, desire. It was so obvious, it was written clear as day on his face, and I could read it once I knew what I was looking for. He wanted me, he wants me. I can hardly believe it now, and I was totally surprised then. He said my name, and it was like a movie. I leaned up, and very gently, kissed him on the lips. Even now, I'm amazed I did it, but it felt so right, so perfect.

'He didn't move away, and yet he didn't return the kiss either. I leaned back on my heels and just looked at him. He looked so beautiful then, his eyes were closed, and his lips were slightly apart. He's the most beautiful person I've ever met, I'm so very lucky.

'He opened his eyes a moment later and looked at me. I must have blushed, because he said my name again. When I looked up he said the cutest thing to me, he said, 'Why'd you stop?' I smiled, a real smile, one that made all the others of my past seem only like smirks. I couldn't help it, he'd basically told me in less than three words that he accepted me, desired me even. He wanted me to kiss him again, so I did.

When both of us needed air, I sat back on my heels again. 'Trowa, this-this is ok with you, isn't it?' He'd looked thoughtful for a moment, before he answered, 'Yes, but there's still one problem.' I don't think I've ever been so relieved and so frightened in such a short amount of time. 'What's that?' 'I still don't have anything to wear to bed.' And just like that, the awkwardness was broken. I leaned up and kissed him again, and he returned the pressure lightly. I realized then, that this was what we both wanted, needed, each other.

'Finally, after a few more kisses, I put him in one of my shirts, he actually let me dress him, I was in heaven, and then we went to bed. Somewhere in the process of settling in, he called to me, 'Quatre?' It was music to hear my name on his lips. 'Yes?' I answered back. 'Are you comfortable?' I smiled again, and then without thinking, I sat up, and pulled him into my arms. He seemed stunned for a moment, but it was such a small moment, then he relaxed, and pillowed his head against my chest. 'I am now.' And I was. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have everything I've ever wanted. I love him so much, and finally, I'm going to get the chance to tell him how I feel. I love him, and he may not love me back yet, but I'm going to do everything in my power to prove to him that he can trust me, that he can fall in love with me. I love him so much.'

Trowa cringed after the next few months' worth of entries. It had started.

'I feel almost at a loss with Trowa, as if there isn't anything that I can do to make it better. He's having a very hard time opening up to me, and well, I'm more than a little scared. I've tried giving him subtle encouragement, like holding his hand, or even sneaking a quick kiss when I know absolutely no one is looking; but even that doesn't seem to be working. I don't know that much about his past, I mean, he's never really brought it
up. But every time I do, he brushes it off, and refused to talk about it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Well, that's not true. If Trowa needs to be in this place right now, if he's happy with the way things are going between us, then so am I. I'm not going to press him, I'm just going to stay by his side, and keep telling him how much I care about him. Hopefully, that will be enough.'

'He told me a secret today. We were in my room, sitting on the couch together, when he suddenly just said, out of the blue, 'Quatre, my childhood was basically non-existent.' Just like that, no explanation, no follow up sentence, that was all he said. I'm not sure why, but I accepted it. I didn't pressure him for more information, and after a few minutes, he settled back into his book. I'm not sure what he meant, but it hurt him a lot to say what he did. But still, I can't help being happy that he told me, that he opened up to me, finally. After a few minutes, I leaned over and gave him a passionate kiss. 'Then we can share mine.' That's what I said. He doesn't need to know that I didn't have much of a childhood either. For him, I'll have the best childhood imaginable.'

'It's been almost a week since Trowa told me that little sentence about his childhood. I'm beginning to wonder if I should press the issue or not. He's always seemed to shy away from those sorts of topics, so I don't want to scare him, but I don't think not mentioning it will help him either. I know it sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I'm so grateful for the chance to know Trowa, and to be able to kiss him is honestly my dream come true.
But I can't help but wonder about what more there is for us. We've been together for almost four months, and while the kisses are wonderful, soft and passionate, I can sense that he wants to get closer to me. But again, there's this barrier that's standing in our way. I wish Trowa would open up to me, tell me what makes him so sad. All I want to do is be there for him, to take care of him. I love him so much.'

"I know what you mean." Trowa said, and turned on the lamp next to the bed. The sunlight was about to give out. He'd spent all day reading the journals, laying beside Quatre. There were still more to read, but Trowa took a moment to examine what he knew so far.

Quatre's past was just as dark and deadly as his own. Where he had had no one, Quatre had instead been betrayed by those he loved. Trowa was still having problems processing all that Quatre had been through. From his father's abuse, to his struggle to find meaning in his genetically created life, to his once thought non-developed empathic abilities, to his time with the Maganacs, and his experiences as a pilot, it was a miracle Quatre had chosen to continue breathing.

It seemed obvious now that Quatre was very much living in the emotions of others. He'd confessed to doing so with his sisters during the trying times with his father. Then there was the fact that the two of them had been linked by some mysterious force throughout the war. Trowa was concerned how much the journals couldn't show about Quatre's inner pain. During the time when Quatre had thought he was dead, must have been incredibly painful, since there seemed to be little written about it.

Quatres' seeming lack of concern for his father's death came as a shock also. Trowa had expected his death to have devastated Quatre; and while it did, it didn't seem to have registered with the young man. He reasoned that perhaps the difficulties he'd been having with his sisters, may have been the cause. Perhaps their constant reminder of Mr. Winner's dislike for Quatre may be keeping him from reconciling his death.

At this point, Quatre was 17, almost 18. He himself was 18. Trowa couldn't help but think about how young Quatre had been then; trapped in his agony. Curling his fingers around Quatre's hip, Trowa began to read again.

'I have a terrible headache. I've been siphoning off Trowa's excessfeelings of abandonment. My poor Trowa is suffering so much. Ever since he told me about the men that raised him, he's been wrestling with this continuous feeling of being alone. I've tried to tell him over and over that I'm here and I'm not leaving him, but it doesn't seem to be helping. Trowa is just so lost, I want nothing more than to wrap him up, and shut him away from all the pain in the world, but I know I can't.

'Trowa only told me that the mercenaries were not kind to him, and he explained to me that while he was with them they called him 'Nanashi" which translates into 'No Name.' I can't imagine not having a name, but he acted as if that was simply the way it was. I have a feeling he's holding more from me. He doesn't know, but I've already figured out what he's not telling me. I have to be so careful, because all I want to do is kill each and every one of those hateful bastards, but I can't let my emotions get too strong or they might bleed over and scare Trowa.

'The good news is that he's finally talking to me about it. I'm so glad I didn't have to use any of my abilities to 'convince' him to talk to me. I was getting a little worried, but now that he's come to me, I'm positive we can work though this.

'I'm going to rest now, this headache is killing me.'

'It finally happened. Six months after getting together, and it finally happened.

'Trowa was sitting on the couch in his room. I'd come over to sit with him since he hasn't been feeling well lately. My poor Trowa actually caught a cold. He's been so tired lately, and since he can't remember the last time he felt really sick, he's even being grumpy. He's so cute when he pouts, it 's all I can do to keep from kissing him senseless. But I digress.

'He said he didn't want any tea, but I told him I wasn't going to let him sleep until he'd had at least one cup. I'd secretly put the medicine that Sally had given him into it. I can't believe how bad Trowa is about taking medicine! He's like a child, I swear. I love him for it.

'He started to pout that the tea was too hot, and so I got an ice cube to cool it down. The he said it wasn't sweet enough. My Trowa has this thing about sugar, I know I've mentioned it before, but it's just so adorable to see the way he eats the stuff. I think if I let him, he'd eat it by the spoonful. After I'd added the sugar, he started complaining about it being too heavy for him to hold. At this point, I thought he was serious, and got very concerned. I've already said he'd been so tired, I was worried he would just pass out or something.

'But when I moved over to sit beside him, and hold the cup, he leaned in and kissed me, then said, 'Quatre, you're so good to me.' I can't tell you how good it felt to hear him say that. I called him on his make believe complaints, and he just laughed. He's so sexy when he laughs!

'When he'd finally gotten the tea down, he rested his head on my shoulder, 'I'm tired now Quatre.' He sounded so much like a child. I got up, and sat on the other side of him, closest to the arm of the couch, and them pulled him into my arms. He laid there for a long time, while I ran my fingers through is hair, and told him how much I loved him, and that I was sorry he wasn't feeling well. I felt him shift, and then he was clutching to me, both of his hands had grabbed at my shirt, and suddenly he started shaking violently. I was so terrified, I thought maybe the medicine Sally had given him was causing him to have an allergic reaction. But I was wrong.

'His voice was so small when it started out. There weren't any tears, only a very desperate sound in his voice that I hope to Allah I never hear from his sweet mouth again. He told me about what the mercenaries had done to him. He didn't say they raped him, instead words like 'used' or 'took', it was as if he couldn't acknowledge to himself what they had done to him.
When the tears finally came, they were silent, and even during the sobs that followed he didn't make a sound.

'He told me that if he protested against their 'advances' they'd beat him within an inch of his life, and since he was responsible for getting his own food, he couldn't afford to be so badly hurt. He told me in a quiet pleading voice that it hadn't been so hard for him to just pretend he wasn't there.

'During all of his confessions, I didn't speak a word, just ran my hands through his hair and across his face. Trowa likes it when I touch his hair, I think perhaps Catherine might have done that for him, I should ask her. But as I said, I didn't say a word, I didn't trust myself not to start screaming and not be able to stop. I could feel the hurt coming off of him, and I did my best to give him all of my good emotions, to share with his
battered soul all those feelings of love and happiness I had for him. I needed him to know that even though he thought he was worthless, in my eyes, in my heart, he is the most precious thing in the universe. All of this I conveyed with my abilities.

'When he'd calmed down enough so that he wasn't sobbing anymore, but still tears shed themselves from his beautiful green eyes, I started to talk. I told him everything my heart had been telling him earlier. How much I loved him. How he was the most important thing in my life, and that I'd always love him no matter what. I told him that what they'd done to him was wrong, and that it wasn't his fault. He tried to protest then, saying he'd belonged to them.

'I nearly died when he said that. I pulled him closer to me, and with tears in my throat told him that he only belonged to himself, and no one else, not even me. That I loved him and would take care of him for the rest of our lives, but that he didn't belong to me. I told him that he was free now, and had been since he'd left them. I said that he was free to go wherever he wanted, and that he was his own man. I wanted him to know that I would
stay be his side as long as he let me, and I made sure he understood that I would never leave him, that if anyone ever left our relationship it would have to be him. I said all of this in word, and feeling, and at the same time, I caressed his face, and dropped light kisses into his hair.

'Finally it was too much for him, and he fell asleep in my arms. My poor, beautiful, Trowa. I wish I could take all the pain away, and make him feel better. I'll have to settle for the siphoning that I've been working on these last few hours since he fell asleep. There's so much pain, and it's so raw and hopeless. Now that I'm in his deeper emotions, I can sense that he's been waiting all this time for me to leave him. That's why he had all
those feelings of abandonment earlier. My Trowa thought I was going to leave him. So that was one of the first things I changed. I pathed to him over and over that I loved him and I am never going to leave him. When I felt the suggestion take, I realized I'd been at it for almost three hours before he'd accepted it. I'll have to reinforce the idea later, make sure
that he knows he'll never have to be alone again.

'I've managed to get Trowa to bed, but I'm not going to leave him tonight. As soon as I put this down, I'm going to crawl into bed with him and hold him tight. I don't want him to wake up alone. I have to make sure he understands that I'm not going to abandon him, that I'm going to stay with him no matter what.

'I should say though, that I'm planning on finding out who these
mercenaries were. I'm not going to say anything to Trowa, he never has to know about this. In the morning, I'll call for a team to comb the Earth records from where Trowa was raised. When I find those men, if they're still alive, I'll kill them myself. No one hurts my Trowa.'

Trowa was in shock. Right here, in this one entry, he'd been privy to emotions and circumstances he'd never know about either himself or Quatre. The fact that Quatre had been pathing to him during this incident was crazy. His beloved must have been in so much pain, but then, to take Trowa's pain too, it was insane. And then for Quatre to path again to him, this timewith suggestions, he couldn't imagine the strain it must have been on him.

Then there was the last comment. Trowa had never heard about Quatre having Ident. Teams sent to Earth to look for the mercenaries he'd traveled with. And for Quatre to say he would kill any he found, Trowa had a bad feeling that his beloved had found one or two of the mercenaries still alive. He wondered if Quatre had killed them, his gut told him that he had. The next
entries proved him right.

'Trowa's still doing very well. He's working through his past, and I'm doing my best to comfort him. He mentioned to me today that he wanted to move forward in our relationship. He asked me if I was satisfied with where it was. I could sense his fear that I would tell him no. Regardless of my own frustrations, I'm more than willing to wait for Trowa, forever it that's what he needs. I told him this, and I could sense his relief immediately.

'I told him that when he had put the past behind him, and only when he is completely ready, I'd show him what love is. I'd show him that it isn't painful or disgusting. I told him it wouldn't be sex when we were together, that I'd make love to him, and hold him all night long. He relaxed a little more after we talked. I think he was so worried about me that he hadn't taken the time to worry about himself. Silly Trowa, he hasn't realized that everything in my life is about him. Silly, beautiful, strong, Trowa.'

'The Ident. Team found one of the members of the mercenary team. I took the first shuttle to the area I could get. Luckily, Trowa is on a patrol mission with Wufei for the next week. I miss him, but I'm glad that I didn't have to explain to him where I was going. Hopefully Duo won't open his mouth, and Trowa will never know I was gone.'

'I promised Jega half a million credits to help me find my long lost brother. I told him that through my Ident. Team we'd surmised that a young boy that had been with his team might be my brother. I asked him to describe the boy. The way he described Trowa made me sick. He spoke of him like my beloved was nothing more than a slave. He said 'the boy' was always quiet, but was a damn fine mechanic. I asked him if he'd been treated well while with them, and the fucking bastard lied to me! His exact words were, 'Oh hell yes. We treated him like a goddamned prince!' I had a bullet in his head before the 'c' sound was done echoing. I sent the team out again to keep looking. I'm on my way back to the complex, I can sense Trowa, which means he and Wufei have returned early. I needed to get back to him and find a way to let him know he doesn't have to be afraid anymore.'

Trowa put the book down, and got out of the bed, being careful to settle Quatre comfortably. He moved to the window, noting the moon high in the night sky. He turned back to look at his sleeping lover. He couldn't believe his loving and kind Quatre had so easily killed Jega. The man had been particularly cruel to Trowa, but that didn't matter, Quatre didn't know that. Yet still, his soft-spoken, delicate Quatre, had shot and killed a man, point blank; and the war was long finished. It was so unlike Quatre, and yet at the same time, it was very much like the man that now resided on their bed. The Quatre he'd known when they'd first gotten together had been almost too good, too innocent; and now he'd come to find that in reality, it was only another mask Quatre wore. His patient lover was very much like the rest of them, a cool and ruthless killer, at least when it came to the people he loved.

He knew that Quatre had spared countless lives throughout the course of the war, begging their surrender rather than taking their lives. But it was obvious that Quatre would do anything to protect his family. He'd sold his soul to hell to protect his sister, destroyed his sense of honor to let himself sleep better at night, and now his beautiful Quatre, the angel that had granted him peace, was slowly dissolving into nothing to protect him again. Moving back to the bed, he pulled another blanket from the foot of the bed, around Quatre, and tucked the sides into his body. Grabbing the remaining four volumes, Trowa switched off the lamp, and left the room quietly, being careful to close the door so only a crack of light could warn Quatre to his presence should he awake in the night.

The couch called to him, and Trowa rested his long body into the cushions. He examined the cover of the book. In the bottom right hand corner, embossed in gold was Quatre's name. He traced the elegant script with his fingers. His heart called to Quatre, wishing against hope that he could be allowed to give back to his lover all that he'd once been given. "Quatre."

He continued with the journal, he knew what was coming next.

'This is one of the very few times that I have postponed writing until the next morning. I can, off the top of my head, think of only 10 or so other time that I have done this, and one of those was the first night I spent in Koeran's arms. Fitting then, this entry, because last night, it was Trowa that lay softly sleeping in mine.

'Once I'd gotten back to the complex after my mission, Trowa asked that we retire to my rooms, he said he needed to talk with me. I of course agreed, and we left the debriefing room for my own. I made him some tea, and we sat together sided by side, on the couch, not saying anything, just being happy to see each other again. It was so peaceful, just to be allowed to sit in his presence, he has such a calming effect on me.

'When Trowa started to speak, I could barely contain my surprise. It seems that while on the patrol, he and Heero had discussed his past, but most importantly the abuses he'd suffered. Heero told him that it wasn't his fault-exactly what I'd said-and that if anything, he needed to find a way to move past the things that had no bearing on the present. 'You'll never be happy if you fight it, instead you have to accept it, and move on. I've said it once, and I'll say it again, the only way to live is by your emotions, and if you don't know what they are, then you better figure it out.' Heero, he's so smart, I could just kiss him!

'Trowa told me that he'd been thinking about what Heero'd said the whole way back to the base, and that now he was ready. I asked him what he was ready for, and he said that it was time we moved beyond his past. I still wasn't sure exactly what he meant, but he was speaking so freely that I didn 't want to interrupt to ask. He must have seen my confused express though, because the next thing I knew he had both of his hands against my face. He kissed me then, very delicately, almost like he was testing the waters, to see how I'd react. Not wanting to put added pressure on him, I returned the kiss but didn't deepen it. When he moved back, he kept his hands on my face and gave me the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. It lit up my soul, and for a second I didn't think I could breath.

'In a very soft voice, the kind that Trowa used to use when we'd first met, he told me this, in his exact words, I don't think I'll ever forget, 'Quatre, my past has frightened me away from you for too long. Not anymore. I'm in love with you, and I can finally see that now. I-I want to be with you, tonight. I want us to make love, together.' I'm still so stunned by the courage it must have taken my dear Trowa to tell me so much in so few sentences. There were tears in his eyes, but they weren't tears of pain, but of joy, as if he were so happy to have finally been able to say it out loud, everything he'd wanted, so close he could touch it.

'I was so overwhelmed. I don't think he quite realized how long I'd been waiting to hear those words from his lips. I moved my hands to take his face between them, and gently pulled him to me. I told him over and over how much I loved him and that I'd never leave him, that he could trust me. And my sweet Trowa let me ramble on, until finally he pulled back, and simply said, 'I know.' We kissed then, a passionate kiss that still has my toes tingling. Together we explored each other for a long time, just basking in the feel of one another. It was heaven on Earth.

'Finally I pulled Trowa close to me and whispered to him that I was going to be as gentle as possible, and that if at any time he wanted me to stop, all he had to do was tell me. I made it crystal clear that it didn't matter how far along we were, I wouldn't be angry or annoyed, or any other such ridiculous emotion. Tonight was about him, and only him. Inside however, I knew that I had to banish those long ago memories of terror and fear from him, otherwise he'd only be acting, and I needed him to know that I could bring him real pleasure, not pain.

'He nodded his head, and said that he loved me again, and that he was ready. He tried to apologize for how long it had taken him, but I hushed him and gently scolded him that he had nothing to be sorry about, not ever. I told him that tonight, if he was still comfortable, I would join the two of us together in a way that would only be of love. His smile was weak, but he nodded his head, and spoke the words I'll remember for a lifetime, no matter what happens between us, 'I trust you, Quatre.' God how I love him.

'Gently I pulled him to his feet, and took his hand. My poor Trowa was shaking and I brought his hand up to my lips and warmed them with my breath. I told him to remember we would stop whenever he wanted too. Again he nodded his head and gave me another smile. Leading him across the room, we moved to the bed, and together we sat down. I moved closer to him, and began to kiss him once more. I was surprised when Trowa participated fully, and even deepened the kiss. It seemed my Trowa was just as eager as I, and once he'd decided to move beyond his past, he wanted me just as much as I wanted him.

'After a while of this I stood and brought Trowa up with me. It must have been comical due to his height, but never the less, I managed to get his sweater off, both of us started laughing when the neck got stuck under his chin. I'll have to remember to take Trowa shopping for sweaters that aren't turtlenecks.

'I knelt before him then, and silently asked permission to remove his pants. He hesitated for a fraction of a second, before he nodded his head. But his hesitation was enough. I stood from my spot and gently pushed him back to a sitting position on the bed. Before him, I took off my shirt, and then removed my pants, leaving my boxers in place. I think I should have been self conscious about the evidence of my arousal being so easily pronounced with nothing but my shorts to hide it, but I wasn't, how could I, it was because of Trowa. My Trowa, truly mine now.

'I took his hands and placed them on my stomach. I told him that I loved him and that everything about him made my life better. I promised to stay by his side always, and that we'd remember tonight for the rest of our lives.

'I moved my hands from his then, but he kept his where they were. Then suddenly, he pulled me forward, and wrapped his arms about my waist, resting his head against my chest. He was so brave, but that didn't mean he wasn't scared. I wished I could take the fear from him, but I decided the moment he'd said he wanted to be with me that I wouldn't path with him tonight. I want him to understand, should he ever learn that I link with him, that this night he did everything on his own. I don't want to interfere with this thing that's growing between us, it's too beautiful to disturb, I just want to witness it as it comes.

'I held him for a while, and then finally I pulled away, and moved to sit next to him. I asked him to lean back, and without question or pause he did. I scooted him up onto the bed more fully before I followed and laid next to him, resting on my elbow so I could see him better. With one hand behind his head, and the other resting lightly on his stomach, I was having the worst time breathing. He was-no is-breathtaking. Lightly I traced nonsense patterns onto his chest, watching his pleasure become more evident. I bushed my hand over his nipple and I can't explain the magic in the sound he made then.

'Again I told him I loved him, and that together we had something very special, something that would last forever. I touched the waist of his pants, before looking at him; he had his eyes closed. 'Trowa, open your eyes, I want you to see that it's me, I want you to see my face.' When he opened his eyes, they will filled with desire, and I nearly lost it knowing that that look was only for me. I touched the buttons on his jeans, and asked if I could remove them. He tried to close his eyes again, but then suddenly he opened them, and looked directly at me. He nodded his head, and together we got his pants down and deposited on the floor next to my own.

'I can't describe the beauty of Trowa in that moment that I turned back to see him for the first time bared to me. I giggled, I couldn't help it, I was a little stunned that not only did my Trowa sleep in nothing, but also preferred to wear nothing beneath his clothing. He gave me an odd look, and I leaned over him, careful not to appear towering, and kissed him gently. 'If I'd known what I was missing all this time Trowa, I don't think I could have been so patient.' He blushed and I laughed out right, before he joined me. The sound of our laughter echoed in the room, and it was like we were surrounded by joy. I ran my fingers across his face lovingly before returning my lips to his.

'As I ran my hands over his body, he responded to me so easily, so naturally. I remember being so hesitant my first time, and now I was taking the lead. It felt good to me, like I was able to care for Trowa through this act of leading him to pleasure. The longer we laid together, the more obvious our needs became. Again, I can't justly explain the sense of desire that came over me as I felt him pressed solidly against my thigh. I wanted to move forward, but I needed to confirm that Trowa was still feeling all right with this.

''Trowa, are you still ok?' He answered by kissing the side of my neck before whispering in my ear, 'With you, I'll always be perfect. Thank you, Quatre.' I kissed him again, I couldn't seem to stop. I wanted to be with him so badly, I wanted to prove myself to him so much. He's so perfect, everything I've ever desire in a partner, loving, funny, quiet but in a comforting way, silly when no one's looking, daring when he thinks he can get away with it, passionate whenever we're together. I could drown in him and never be afraid again. He is truly my soul mate.

''Trowa, I love you very much, and this is only the beginning. Tell me to stop, tell me and I'll understand. Or if you really are ready, tell me to continue, let me love you like no one else has.'

''The past is over, you're my future Quatre. I want to be with you. I love you so much, it hurts.'

'Carefully, every so gently, with little regard to time, I readied Trowa. There was only a flash of fear when I first touched him, and then it quickly disappeared as I continued with my preparations and returned to his mouth. I kissed him with all the passion I'd stored up from the moment I'd met him over two years ago. I gave myself to him, abandoning all my own inhibitions; this was for Trowa, I wanted him to feel safe and loved, for that is what he is, I will never let anything harm him, ever.

'When I was sure my entrance would cause him little pain I asked again if he wanted to continue. I told him we had all the time in the world, and if he was even slightly hesitant we could continue another time. But I should have guessed my love better. He only pulled me closer and whispered that he loved me. He knew there would be discomfort to begin with, so I didn't mention it. As I entered him, my control slipped and for the briefest of seconds I could feel what he felt. In a word, we both finally, after all these years of being alone and hated, felt complete and loved. It was perfect, beautiful, and everything I had hoped it would be with Trowa. Gently we worked together, and when we found that place where there is only love and life, happiness and trust, we blended together in perfect harmony. Trowa to me, me to Trowa. It was all worth it.

'I pulled him into my arms then, and together we whispered softly to one another about our feelings and our hopes for the future. He confessed to being only slightly scared, but said he hadn't known that it could feel like that. I kissed him softly, and told him that it would never feel that way again. He looked at me, puzzled, before I answered. 'Every time we are together, Trowa, will only be better than the last. Our love for one another will make it that much greater, that much more special.' He liked that answer.

'Later he fell asleep in my arms, and it took all of my willpower not to cry with joy. He had been the one to say he hadn't known it could feel like this, but neither did I. I didn't know being with someone could feel as right as this did. I clung to him, touching him everywhere so I could prove to myself that he was real. I didn't want to go to sleep, I was too afraid it was going to be a dream. Finally I fell asleep, my Trowa tucked securely and lovingly against my body. This night, we had both found the peace we'd been searching our entire lives for. I love you, Trowa.'

Laying the journal down, Trowa closed his eyes and remembered that night over three years ago. He'd never felt so safe in all of his life, tucked against Quatre, knowing that this body that laid beside him had taken him in love and trust, and held him in his arms in the same way. Quatre had always enjoyed holding him, he use to laugh that anyone that saw them would think it funny, them not adhering to the 'He's the taller one, he must be in charge,' code of thought. He admitted to himself now, that he'd needed Quatre to take the lead back then. He'd been so hurt, so afraid, he hadn't been able to take that last step to reach his beloved. Quatre had always come to him in love and comfort, and now he hurt so badly. All he wanted to do was protect Quatre, banish those terrible insecurities from his mind. He would, he had to.

The rest of 197 A.C. continued with their relationship. Quatre wrote down everything. From their first kiss in public, to their first time making love under the stars. Quatre recorded it all, placing it in beautiful script across page after loving page of white paper. There were words of his little notes to Trowa, and even a well-planned out seduction attempt that backfired, and left the two of them stranded on a lake in the Southern Hemisphere. Quatre neglected nothing, and Trowa could easily see his happy and loving partner in the pages of this journal.

There was mention of Quatre's abilities, but usually only in passing or as a reference to feeling something from Trowa. It seemed that he'd been satisfied with their newfound physicality, and Quatre made no mention of pathing directly with Trowa again.

He read the entry where they'd confessed to Heero, Duo and Wufei about their relationship, and the shock of realizing they'd known all along. From that point, Quatre seemed even happier, carefree. He wrote about his move into Trowa's quarters, and had even recorded the tea set incident. There were entries about Duo and his plots concerning himself and Heero, and even the disastrous dinner date that finally forced Wufei and Sally together.

For the rest of the volume, Quatre was happy, excited, and extremely satisfied in both their relationship, and his life. There was only one mention of his sisters, and it was also the only entry that left Trowa with a sense of foreboding about what the next volume would uncover.

'I received a call from Liteea today. She wants to know if I've made a decision yet. I told her I still had time. That actually made her quite angry, and she informed me that I didn't have as much time as I thought I did, especially if I wanted to gain a wife and not just a child. I know that I should tell my sisters about Trowa, and I will, I want them to know so badly. Of course, some won't like the idea very much, but I know that Cijen and Iria will be so excited that I've found happiness. The rest will only have to see Trowa and myself together, and they'll come around too.'

The second to the last volume began the silent struggle Quatre had faced. The earlier entries told of his sisters' growing concerns, yet there was no malice in them at this point.

'I managed to get back to L4 today. She looks beautiful. I'd forgotten how beautiful a colony could look. The Earth is something man did not create, yet it is the colonies that hold the most beauty for me. Perhaps I' m biased. I'll be meeting Iria tomorrow, she said she needed to discuss a few things with me. I wonder what's wrong.'

'Cijen called me, she wanted me to meet a friend of hers, a Mr. Ilizaveth Latharo. I think she may be trying to set me up on a date. She can be so cute at times. I'll meet with Mr. Latharo, but I don't think Cijen will be happy with the outcome. I've wanted to tell her the most about Trowa, I know she'll just love him. They actually have a lot in common. She'll be so happy for me.'

'After speaking with Cijen last week, I finally assembled a team of attorneys. They're going to look into the Will and see if there's some type of loophole we can use. I have my doubts, this isn't something Father would have done half way. I don't think we're going to find anything, which means I have to make a decision. I have three years still, I'm hoping that will be enough time. Damn, it's times like these I wish Father was still alive.'

'I've been so depressed lately, I think it's starting to rub off on Trowa. He asked if I was all right tonight. I hadn't thought I was being so obvious, I'll have to be more careful. There isn't anything Trowa can do, and besides, he doesn't need to be burdened with this.'

'The first reports from the new set of lawyers is back, they didn't find anything. My sisters are starting to chomp at the bit. I think even Cijen is getting worried. She hasn't said anything to me yet, but I'm fairly certain she will. I hate that Father is forcing me to choose like this. He knew I'd never simply bed a woman for a child. He also knew that I would adamantly refuse to create a child. Which basically forces me to marry a woman for a child. Just thinking about it made me so upset, I crawled into Trowa's lap and snuggled with him for a little while. I told him I was just sad about the past, but I don't think he completely believed me. I'll have to be more careful. But still, it was nice to be held by him, he's so good at protecting me.'

'I've just found out that there's some discontent in the Winner ranks. It seems that some of my sisters have banded together and are working out a plan to oppose me if I don't act quickly. I'm having a hard time believing that they'd actually do anything against me, they're probably just
frightened. But I'm a little worried, I found myself linking with Trowa earlier. I absorbed some of his calmness, before I realized what I was doing. I of course immediately stopped. He didn't seem to notice, but still, it isn't good for me to drain him so, it could cause him headaches, I don't want to hurt him.'

'I was playing with Marieminna today. She's the most adorable little girl! I think however that I might be biased, since she treats me like an older brother, something I've always wanted to be. I think she caters to me. She 's smart, she knows I'll go to the city to get her whatever she wants. But actually I was going to mention what Trowa said.

'He caught me in the garden, and after I sent Marieminna inside, he commented on how good I was with her. I told him about liking the sense of being her old brother, and he nodded his head before saying that I'd make a good father someday. I don't want to read too much into it, but I can't
help but think that he might actually be suggesting that we could have a child someday. I don't want to pressure him, besides we're only 18 and 19. There's plenty of time.'

'Well, its official. There are no loopholes in the Will. There's only two options, I either have a child, or we lose everything. It's an impossible decision. I hate Father for doing this to me! I'd like nothing more than to know that he's in hell this very minute watching me now as I stare at Trowa.

"My Trowa, he's been so loving and attentive. I don't think I could make it through this without him, even if he doesn't know he's helping. I've been extra careful not to accidentally link with him, I'm afraid that my stress will harm him, or worse I'll take too much from him and hurt him. Neither one are acceptable outcomes. Just like my choices about the Will. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, isn't that what Duo always says? Yeah, but then Heero usually glares at him before kissing him senseless. I just have to try to keep a smile on my face; I don't want to worry Trowa.'

'I'm not sure what happened tonight. Trowa and I made love, and then as he was sleeping in my arms, I looked down at him, and I knew my answer. It just popped into my head, and decided to stay. I trust my instincts on this one. I've decided there is no way, I will take another lover. Trowa is my life, and my love, always. I won't betray him, even for one night, even for my sisters. Now I'm left with two options, a genetic, or lose everything. How weak I must be that I even have to think about it.'

The next entry that caught his attention was dated in December, and Trowa knew from the first line that this was the start of all Quatre's real pain.

'Trowa has never seen an ice sculpture! I can hardly believe it. I guess though I shouldn't say anything, my whole life has been pampered compared to his. When would he have had occasion to see an ice sculpture? I'm grateful for the Winter conference now. I'd been hoping to find a way out, but I'm beginning to think it may be time to simply confess. I can't think of a better winter dream than to introduce Trowa to my family and everyone else, and also get to see his expression when he sees his first sculpture. He'll look so cute all wide eyed, my sisters will instantly fall in love with him. I may have to fight them off with a stick! Maybe I'll get Trowa to scuff his shoe or something, then they'll think he's cute but far too reckless for them. I have to laugh, I don't think Trowa would be too interest in my sisters, since all of them are at least five years older than we are. But still, it'd be so fun to see Iria drooling over my boyfriend. Now I can't wait!'

'It seems I failed to anticipate the general reactions of my sisters to my and Trowa's relationship. Not to mention those of the other socialites at the Winter party. All of my sisters were there, and as I stepped out of the limo, they all rushed me, hugging me and doing the normal sister act. I had to gently chide them to move so I could help my date out. Instantly they were all excited, and couldn't wait to meet 'her.' I should have been prepared then, but I was too happy to finally be out in public with Trowa, that I completely missed the signs. I reached my hand back into the limo, and pulled Trowa out. I linked our hands together and introduced him to all my sisters. Trowa was a perfect gentleman, even though he was extremely nervous about coming with me tonight. But it was my sisters that completely took me by surprise.

'When Trowa stepped out of the car, I thought they were just surprised, and maybe even a little stunned, and that's what I thought when I was introducing them to him. They were polite, but that was it, there was no warmth in them at all. I was especially stunned by Cijen's lack of friendliness, I was sure she'd be so happy for me.

'But I didn't want to let them get us down, and I especially didn't want Trowa to realized their discomfort. I made a small joke, and them propelled Trowa down the entranceway with me. I forgot that at this party there is a formal announcement of all arriving guests. The announcer proclaimed very loudly, 'Mr. Quatre Rababera Winner, and his,' pause, 'Escort, Mr. Trowa Barton.'

'I don't think the place could have been that quiet if no one was in the building at all. I tried to brush it off, and linked with Trowa to make sure he didn't realize their looks, or notice their whispers. I've only tired such a direct and influencing link once before with him, but this one
was completely exhausting. It was a good thing I was holding his arm because I lost my footing on the last step, and he only barely caught me. Which only set another round of chatter about my 'Escort' that I had to block from Trowa.

'The only good thing about the evening was Trowa's face when I finally showed him the ice sculptures. I'd asked him to put his hair back, more out of his face, before we'd come, so I had a clear view of his expression. His gorgeous green eyes got huge, and a very distinct smile formed on his beautiful mouth. He squeezed my hand then and leaned in to whisper into my ear. 'Is that really ice, Quatre?' I had to laugh, he was so cute! I whispered back, 'Of course it is. Do you want me to prove it to you?' He looked at me quizzically, before he nodded his head. It wasn't that he didn 't trust me, he just wanted to see what I'd do.

'I took his hand and led him over to the hammer that rested by the tail of the ice mermaid. I watched his entire range of facial expressions as I lifted the hammer and brought it down hard enough to chip a piece of ice from the tail fin. He got the most stunned express, and then he almost looked like he was going to get into trouble, a little frightened. I laughed, I couldn't help it. He was so cute, and I laughed so hard, I had tears rolling down my face. People were staring at us, but what did it matter, they're going to talk no matter what.

' I took the piece of ice I'd chipped and explained to him that the hammer was there so people could do just what I'd done. I explained that it was a new tradition designed in the colonies. He relaxed, and then I raised the piece of melting ice to his lips. 'I did promise to prove it to you, didn't I?' He looked almost embarrassed for a second, before he opened his mouth and took the sliver I offered him. Another smile replaced his earlier look and I couldn't help but lean up and give him a quick kiss. He again turned the cutest shade of pink before ducking his head and squeezing my hand
again.

'When we got back to our rooms I wanted nothing more than to throw Trowa on the bed and show him how mad with desire his innocence had made me tonight. But I was so exhausted by the link that I could barely stand. Trowa was so sweet, he tucked me into bed and even grabbed my journal for me. Maybe I'll find that energy after all.'

Quatre had found the energy, and they had made love that night. He'd thought at the time he and Quatre's coupling meant that the feelings he'd had about being stared at and talked about all night were wrong, and he had just been paranoid. He'd had no idea Quatre had blocked him from noticing. Always to protect him, never to protect himself. Quatre sacrificed too much for him, and now his sweet Quatre was going to have to face even more hardships.

The final journal began with sadness.

'I guess it could be said that I let the 'cat out of the bag.' The party was over a month ago, and already I've been turned down four times to speak with some of the more wealthy business people. It seems that they 'just can fit me into their schedules,' even though I know for a fact that they all have wanted to speak with me for months now.

'I'm not upset though. How could I be? Trowa's with me, and that's all that matters. He thankfully doesn't know what's being said about him. I'm so grateful he doesn't read any of the society journals. The latest one has him being my 'slave of passion,' I can't believe they write that crap! Trowa is more to me than the entire world! I'm still alive because of him; not that he saved my life, but I know that if he wasn't around, I'd have killed myself long ago. I live for him, only for him, nothing else maters.'

'Two months and my sisters are finally calling me. Liteea-why she hates me so, I'll never know-has informed me that she has been rejected from over three dozen society functions because of my questionable standards. She's furious, and I can't say I blame her. But that isn't the only reason she
called.

'It seems that my sisters are starting to worry about the child I'm 'supposedly' having, though how they got that idea, I have no clue. I still haven't decided what to do. Liteea nicely informed me that I have only five month left for a biological birth, she can be so tactless at times. I guess I'll have to make a decision soon.'

The next entry dumbfounded Trowa. Quatre spoke of Cijen, and he couldn't quite believe what he read.

'I think I may cry. I don't know how else to phrase it. Cijen, the one of all my sisters I thought would be with me until the end, the one I'd put money on that would stay by my side and help me no matter what, has betrayed me.

'I received a vid-call, and after learning it was Cijen, immediately accepted it. She has always been a rock for me, even when there was no one else, perhaps that's why I feel so lost, I don't think I've trusted anyone in my life more than her.

'Her demeanor was very closed as her image came on the vid. I asked her how she was and she immediately wanted to cut the small talk. She wanted answers as to what I thought I was doing at the Winter party. Why she waited nearly four months, I have no idea!

'I explained that I'd wanted everyone to meet Trowa, and that I'd wanted to show him a very nice party, that I hadn't been able to do that for him because of the nature of our relationship. She got so cold then, I've never seen her look so icy or defiant, not since father.

'She told me flat out that my behavior was inappropriate, and what else did I expect the world to do besides balk at my display. I tried defending myself, saying that what I did, and who I chose to do it with was no one's concern except my own. She immediately cut me off and informed me that it wasn't just me I was taking down, but also the entire family. I was so stunned by her emission, she'd never been openly hostile to me before, and she, unlike my other sisters, knew my preference, she'd talked openly about it! I said as much to her, and she became extremely angry. She accused me of sabotaging the family, taking it down with me into shame.

'I demanded to know were her aggression towards me was coming from, I explained who Trowa was, and how I'd met him. I apologized for not introducing them privately, as I'd planned, but that circumstances had presented themselves and I'd taken the opportunity to show Trowa a nice evening out. She fairly shook with rage at that. She cursed me for causing my family to lose face, and swore to me that she'd find a way to make me pay for what I'd done. I still have no real idea what she meant. I understood that she and my sisters were not happy with my 'dropping' Trowa on their 'doorstep,' but I didn't feel as if I had to explain my happiness to them either. I want them to be happy for me, and instead they seem so negative and almost hateful.

'I told her I was sorry for the scandal, but that it was worth it to me, because Trowa had gotten to see something he'd never witnessed before. She seemed even less happy with this statement. Finally I couldn't take anymore of her accusations, and I asked her specifically what had happened.

'I'm sad to say that it seems three of my sisters fianc�es have now left them, sighting the incident with myself and Trowa as the cause. Cijen is one of them. Derrik, Cijen's fianc�e for nearly a year, left her last month saying pressure from his well off family was the cause. It seems my sister
holds me personally responsible for the dissolve of her would be marriage. I'm so sorry this happened, if I'd thought it might occur, I would have been much more discrete with my bringing Trowa, but I made sure she understood that I would still have brought him, he really did want to go. She couldn't believe me, and after a few horrible words, she broke the connection.

'I find myself now so very alone. Cijen is by far my most favored sister. She's taken care of me when the others so vehemently turned their backs. I owe her so much that I can't even place the value into words, she's saved my sanity and my soul more than once.

'I've decided to contact Derrik, and see if there's an arrangement that can be reached. I'm not opposed to resorting to monetary incentives to have him return to Cijen. I've liked Dirrik for many years now, and think that he and Cijen would be very happy together-not the conventional convenient marriage. Perhaps I can persuade his parents to reconsider, thought why a
man of 36 is following his parents, I have no idea.

'Beyond that I hope to patch things up with my sisters in the near future. I can't explain how much Cijen's words have hurt me. All I want to do is rest somewhere safe. I know I shouldn't but perhaps while Trowa's sleeping, I'll link with him for a moment, not too much, just enough to remember that he loves me. I'm just a little weighted down today.'

Four months, that was nearly seven months ago that this happened, one full month before he knew any of it. Quatre had seemed tired more often in that last month before that fateful day in the conference room. Trowa had considered how Quatre had been under so much pressure when he'd firstlearned about the stipulation in the Will. He'd thought about the way Quatre had suddenly needed him more and more, depending on him as that braking point got closer. To read it like this, Trowa could see that Quatre would have had an idea of what was coming, and that must have eaten away at him; to know your own family was in concert to betray you, he couldn't even imagine.

Skimming the other entries quickly, Trowa bore witness to the new fear Quatre had about his sisters sudden revolt against him, and his constant and all consuming desire to protect Trowa from finding out. Trowa hung his head in shame, that he hadn't picked up on the subtle details of Quatre's initial pain. He should have been there for him, should have realized. But "should have's" wouldn't do any good now; Trowa continued reading.

'He's known for a week now, and yet I can't believe it, he hardly seems effected by it at all! I'm more upset about it than he is. Trowa has been so strong, he's been there for me since the beginning of this mess-even though he didn't know it-and he's kept right on being there for me. I love him so much. Today he looked right at me, over dinner while Wufei was sitting right there, and said, 'I love you, Quatre.' I was so happy, it was just what I needed to hear. Of course Wufei rolled his eyes, but I was so thankful that I nearly crawled into Trowa's lap! He's too good for me!'

'It's getting hard to hide my pain from Trowa. My love is very sharp, and even my blocking isn't having an effect on him anymore. He sees me in pain, and comes to my rescue. Today I was sitting on the couch, and he came over and pulled me into his lap. I was surprised, and asked if he was all right. He only said I looked like I needed him to be near me. I did, and that's what has me worried. I need to be more careful to look happy while with Trowa. It doesn't make sense to drag him into this mess.'

'I hurt so much. I can't explain, but it's like I'm dying inside. Even my Trowa can't seem to pull me back. He's getting more and more frustrated, I can tell. I don't want him hurt, and if I'm the one hurting him, then I have to do something about it. I can't allow any harm to come to him, he's all I have left. My Trowa, he's the only thing keeping me sane.'

The journal continued, until he reached one that resided during the month where Trowa had told the guards to keep Quatre's sister away.

'I can't explain this great feeling! I'm so excited! I've been playing with Marieminna all day. She, Trowa, and I all went on a picnic, and you should have seen her! She's a living ball of energy. I chased her all over the garden, and could hardly catch her. My Trowa accused me of being out of
shape. He was so cute when I suggested a private work out later. He's always so cute when he blushes. It was made even better when Marieminna-in her innocent way-asked if she could work out too since she was a little outof shape as well. Trowa blanched, and I couldn't help the generous laugh that bubbled from my soul. It felt so good to be with them, and to seeTrowa with her, I just have this feeling that someday when we have children, Trowa will be the best father around. It was a perfect day, and I'm happy to say it ended with a very satisfying workout.'

'I finally have all the plans set into motion. I've had some of my personal servants come into the complex and help me with the set up. It's perfect, and Trowa will have to relax and have a good time. I've been planning this seduction for too long. Bed of pillow's, the best wine credits can buy, cheese from the L1 colony, grapes from the vineyards the wine came from. Everything is perfect. Not as perfect as my Trowa, but it will have to be a close second. I'm going to make these past few months up to him. I'm going to prove my love to him. He's had to deal with so much I never wanted to touch him. I'll make it up to him, I swear it.'

'Ha! They said it couldn't be done, but I managed to do it! I, the one and only Quatre Winner, managed to get one, Heero Yuy, into a clothing store! And what's more, I managed to get him back out in something other than his trademark shorts and tank top!

'Oh, he's not that bad, but really, I don't think he's bought new clothes since his final growth spurt at 18. It's a wonder his clothes have held out so long, considering the way he and Duo go at it. Oh, I don't want to know!

'But the good news is that Duo was so grateful, he traded a patrol mission with me, so I'll get to have the whole complex to myself for a few days. I even know what I'm going to do with it! I'm going to go out and buy my friends something really nice, to make up for this whole mess they've had to put up with. I can't wait, I know exactly what I'm going to buy Trowa, he' ll love it. My Trowa has such a weak spot for animals, so I've decided, since I can't bring a lion into the complex-trust me, Lady Une promised to kill me herself if I asked her again-then I'll get him the next best thing, a cat! Oh he'll love it! Now I can't wait to surprise him, he'll have the cutest expression on his face when he sees it!'

Trowa closed his eyes, knowing the next section would bring about the total change in Quatre. From this entry's date it was three months to today. That meant from this point on, everything that was recorded would be what had effected Quatre so completely, turned him from the caring and loving boy he knew to the cold, angry, and trapped man he was learning to hate. Trowa continued with caution.

'I know I snapped, I could feel it happening even as I stormed into the room. I didn't even realized Heero, Duo and Wufei were there, all I could see was Trowa, and more accurately all I could see was red. I don't understand what came over me, so many times I've sworn never to hurt him, and yet I walked into that room with the intent to do him bodily harm. He wasn't even on the ground before Duo and Wufei had both of my arms and were hauling me off him so Heero could check him over.

'It was like once I started, I couldn't stop. I screamed at Trowa, cursed his name, and everything about him, even our love. I swore I hated him, that he didn't understand, that he could never understand. Through it all he just looked at me, sad eyes that I couldn't comprehend at the time. All
I saw was the rage, all I felt was the pain, all I wanted to feel was his life at my mercy.some ounce of control in my life.

'Cijen had cornered me, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it, yet I knew that Trowa was there that he'd been the one to cause the scene. He'd restricted access of my sisters from me, while the whole time I'd thought they'd finally come to terms, finally forgiven me. I felt so betrayed by him, even now while I'm appalled by what I did, I'm even more angered by his actions. I understand that he was trying to protect me, I don't think he realizes that I do, but how could I not, I can read him like an open book. But this, this action against me, I won't soon be able to forget.

'I again feel like I've lost everything, and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm the one that couldn't hide my emotional state from Trowa, and like a good partner, he did whatever had to be done to make me happy again. I should never have told him how I felt, never confided in him. He's in a position to control me too much, I can't allow that to happen again. It pains me to say it, but from this point on, I'll have to stay more incontrol around Trowa. He can't be allowed to be hurt again, by me or anyone else.

'I want to crawl to him and beg forgiveness, and yet I also want to punch him again. I've never ever, felt such a drive to inflict pain. I fear that I may be turning into my father, reacting to outrage by using force and pain as a means to control. I swore I'd never become like my father, and I have; I swore I'd protect my family, and I haven't; and I promised I'd never hurt my Trowa, and that's all I've done. I give my word of honor, if I ever strike him again, I'll leave him, just to protect him from me. He's been through too much already to be destroyed by me.'

Trowa felt the tears fall from his lashes and onto the page. He didn't wipe them away, he somehow realized they belonged there. Quatre had considered leaving him to once again protect him. Everything was about him, what he needed, or wanted. Nothing about Quatre, only a brief mention of his anger and pain, then again it was about Trowa.

He was stunned by Quatre's words, by his admission of needing control over him. Trowa had never believed that he asserted control over Quatre, he just didn't do it. But now it seemed that Quatre had felt trapped by him, locked away, just like the room his father had put him in. But then, again, he'd defended his actions! Quatre had written that he understood what Trowa had tried to do, acknowledged that he'd been trying to protect him the best way he knew how. All that and yet the words that worried Trowa the most were the ones that Quatre wrote about feeling betrayed by him.

Quatre had only used that word when describing his family, and those he'd trusted completely before this, and only to those who had later turned their backs on him. Could Quatre believe that he'd abandon him? Is that why Quatre had never shared such personal and private information with him? Did he think Trowa would eventually-like the rest of his family and friends-abandon and betray him? His angel, his poor, sweet, beautiful angel.

'I've completely given up the pretense of concealing my dependency on Trowa. I don't have the strength anymore. I've given my sisters free reign on my schedule, and it seems they've taken me up on my offer-making up for lost time. This morning, Trowa had to literally pull me from our bed, and undress me, before stepping into the shower with me to bathe. I just couldn't seem to find the energy. And Trowa, he's so distraught over his role in my pain that I cannot even take solace in him. I can feel my own emotions burning into my soul. I'm not sure how I'm going to escape the pain now.'

'Trowa took my mission trips this week. He wants me to just get some rest. Thankfully he's gone now, and so are the others. I've informed my sisters that my schedule has been opened for the week. That was this morning at nine, by ten it was completely filled, and some of them were angered by my lack of space for them. Trowa would be so angry to know that I've allowed them to see me this week, he asked that I postpone their visits until his return. He wants to be with me. But I won't let that happen. He knows what they're thinking when he's with me, and I can feel it effect him emotionally. It weighs down on me greatly; I hate to say it, but for now, it's easier if I take care of this on my own. I don't think I could handle both of our pain at the same time.'

'My sisters are coming tomorrow, and Trowa refuses to let me see them alone. I'm so emotionally drained, and now because Trowa is doubting my love for him, he's become another burden on my abilities. I can't shake his pain from me, and I swear it's ripping me to shreds. He's doubted many things before, but never my love for him. I don't think I can handle all of this.and yet, I have no choice. I won't let anything hurt Trowa, not even me. I'll have to appease us both by depending on him more and more. Tonight alone, he led me by hand almost all day. Even reminding me to eat when all I could do was stare at my food. It's draining on him too, and I have to remember to link with him tonight and give him some of my peace and love. He's so tired, as am I, but we have to make it, or at least he does.'

That had been only five days before. The day Trowa had escorted Cijen and Quatre's nine other sisters off the complex at gun point. Quatre had given to him even then! How could he endanger himself so recklessly?! But Trowa already knew the answer, to protect him.

Tears ran freely down his face, and soft sobs shook his body as he realized all of Quatre's life had been spent in pain, anger, and more pain. There had never been an easy moment for his beloved, not even when they'd first gotten together, for even then Quatre had known about the Will.

Before that with his father as a constant force to fight against, and then with the guilt over the ZERO. Quatre.he allowed the tears to consume him and lap at the grief and guilt he felt. Quatre was his responsibility, he'd pledged his life to loving him, and taking care of him. He'd promised to protect him, and shelter him against all the evils the world had, and had yet to dream up. And he'd failed. He'd failed Quatre, and now, his beloved was suffering immensely for it. Great sobs shook his body then, as he dropped his face into his hands. Despair stole over him, as he remembered all the pain and suffering his beloved Quatre had gone through.

Trowa never heard the door open, never heard the soft steps, and never felt the warm presence that settled itself before him; but he did hear his name, spoken on pain riddled lips, and concerned emotion filled fear. "Trowa? Trowa, what's wrong?"