-You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." 
-You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY! 
-You don't have any problems pronouncing
 "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. 
-For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. 
-You don't know what a moon pie is. 
-You put sugar in your cornbread. 
-You've never, ever, eaten okra. 
-You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. 
-You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows
 you've seen are on road trips. 
-You have no idea what a polecat is. 
-You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. 
-You don't have bangs. 
-You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. 
-More than two generations of your family have been kicked out
 of the same prep school in Connecticut. 
-You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up
 to get his own TV fishing show. 
-Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all,"
 you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. 
-You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
-You think more money should go to important scientific research
 at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
-You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. 
-The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone
 from getting on an on-ramp on the highway. 
-You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. 
-The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus. 
-You call binoculars opera glasses. 
-You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. 
-You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. 
-You don't know what applique is. 
-You don't know anyone with at least two first names
 [i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean) 
-You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one. 
-You've never been to a craft show. 
-You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. 
-You can't do your laundry without quarters. 
-None of your fur coats are homemade. 

Instructions For Moving To The South

.Save all manner of bacon grease.
You will be instructed later how to use it. 
.If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba.
" You have a 75% chance of being right. 
.Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 
.If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a
four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them.
Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 
.Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. 
.Do not buy food at the movie store. 
.If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 
.Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural.
 "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 
.Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 
.Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.
They don't understand you either. 
.The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 
.If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel
of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. 
.If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way.
These are likely the last words he will ever say. 
.Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those whodo.
In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate,
you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
.Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield
that comes from yelling at other drivers. 
.Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one
it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind
that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. 
.Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common.
In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. 
.Florida is not considered a Southern State.
There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. 
.If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model
of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. 

Wedding bells

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.  As he was coming down the
aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd
(alternating between bride's side and groom's side).  While facing
the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it
went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he reached the pulpit.  The little boy, however, was getting
more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near
tears by the time he reached the pulpit.  When asked what he was
doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear!"

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the
1998
Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for
those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly
stupid ways before they breed, thankfully. The 1998 nominees are:

NOMINEE No.1: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound
of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed
instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it
to his ear.

NOMINEE No.2: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with
his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said
Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower
early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's
windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of
window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing
partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy
was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No.3: [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no
ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by
his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large
amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans
and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right
combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the
poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or
had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was
shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big
man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the
rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No.4: [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News
of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South
Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced
to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and
attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO.5: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have
triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a
cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed
Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators
said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about
11:30p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader
that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the
barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No.6: [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call
police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without
paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store;
paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had
choked him to death.

NOMINEE No.7: [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag
standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell
on him.

NOMINEE No.8: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes
in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his
mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and
tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit
the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said
Cpl.M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery,
and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off" and this guy
said, "'I'll show you how to set it off."

NOMINEE No.9: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a
birdfeeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb
slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a
wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of
the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the
balcony," Honer said.
man what is their food ....

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