*GO TO THE BOTTOM*
THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS
My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That
sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what
an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and
thank you.
Your deeply loving
Emily
Beloved Edward, Dec 26
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing
away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily
My darling Edward, Dec 27
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever
thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they
really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have
no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway,
thank you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted Emily
Dearest Edward, Dec 28
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning.
They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly--they
make telephoning almost impossible--but I expect they'll
calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm
very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily
Dearest Edward, Dec 29
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold
rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly!
A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds,
which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that
arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm
afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says
she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother
has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking,
I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you, Emily
Dear Edward, Dec 30
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door
this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese
laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped
that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room
for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn.
I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily
Edward, Dec 31
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke
up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get
into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's
happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be
full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind
them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily
Ed, Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight
milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke?
If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily
Look here, Edward, Jan 2
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me
nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the
way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village
just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless
viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting
round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame.
If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less),
kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily
Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are
prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden,
before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it.
And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking
inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the
neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never
speak to you again.
Emily
Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes!
The place has now become something between a menagerie
and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just
declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has
been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday
afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.
Sir, Jan 5
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to
inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30
this morning of the entire percussion section of the
Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends,
she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction
to prevent you importuning her further. I am making
arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law
TOO MANY GIFTS IS TOO MANY GIFTS
December 14th
Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two
turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
**********************
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling
but I must insist.... You're just too kind.
Love,
Agnes
***********************
December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They
are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being
too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings.
One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get
on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
*******************
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying
on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
PLEASE STOP!
Cordially,
Agnes
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December 20th
John:
What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans a-swimming.
What kind of joke is this? There's bird mess all over the house
and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't
sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY......
Sincerely,
Agnes
******************
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight
maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight
maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. The
lawn is a mess and I can't move in my own house.
Agnes
******************
December 22nd
Hey You:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping.
And Christ - do they pipe. The cows are upset and are stepping
all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I
going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
From Agnes
**************************
December 23rd
You Rotten Guy:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. The cows can't sleep and they've
got diarrhea. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sending the police to you.
One who means it,
Agnes
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December 24th
Listen Stupid:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping?
They are causing problems.
Your sworn enemy,
Miss Agnes McAlester
*********************
December 25th (From the law offices Tucker, Smith and White)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McAlester.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McAlester at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Tucker, Smith and White
Attorneys at Law
12 days meets the Bayou
Day 1: Dear Boudreaux,
Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las�
night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Day 2: Dear Boudreaux,
You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway,
I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3: Dear Boudreaux,
Why doan you sent some crawfish?
I�m tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy
French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an
fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some
sparing partners for her fighting rooster.
Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux!
I tol you no more friggin birds.
Deez four, what you call dem calling birds were so noisy
you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks
for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
Day 5: Dear Boudreaux,
You finally sen� somethin useful.
I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in
Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat
an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin� Cane Lounge.
Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon!
Back to da birds, you coonass turkey!
Poor egg suckin� Phideaux is scared to death at dem six gaeases.
He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout.
Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem
wit erster dressing on Christmas day.
thanks...
Day 7: Dear Boudreaux,
I�m gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you.
Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem
birds is stinkin� up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on
dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim
on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem
out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8: Dear Boudreaux,
poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his
mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of
dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da
boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get
to work guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn�t
in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta skin nutrias
I caught las night.
Day 9: Dear Boudreaux,
What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow
the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call
Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey
wanted a tea break with crumpets.
I doan know what dat means but I says, Well La Di Da. You get
Chicory coffee or nuttin. Mon Dieu, Emile. What I�m gonna feed
all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done
eat my turnip greens.
Day 10: Dear Boudreaux,
You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don�t
kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid floozies
from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be Ladies Dancin but dey doan
act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after
one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had
to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet
paper; The Sears catalog wasn�t good enuf fer dose hoity toity
Lords� royal behin.
Day 11: Dear Boudreaux,
Where y�at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives
today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off
de boat. We fixed snuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da
whiskey and we having a fais-do- do. Da new mailman he drink a
bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing with
de floozies. Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday,
screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in
de mail, doan open it.
Day 12: Dear Boudreaux,
I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no.
After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper.
We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman�s club on de bayou.
The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table
dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats.
Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta
set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping
business. We will probably gross a million clams
nex year.
******FOR IMMMEDIATE RELEASE.******
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the Twelve Days of Christmas Business Unit:
The Single partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact.
After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds have been replaced
by an automated voice messaging system with a call waiting option
and music on hold. An analysis is underway to determine whom the
birds have been calling, how often and for how long.
The five golden rings have been put on hold
by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one
commodity could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as
a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury
which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the
decline on productivity.
Three geese will be let go, and upgrading in the selection
procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on
every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a
number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retained
to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking
concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female
balance in the workforce is continually being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals in place grow older and
can no longer do the steps. This may help settle the diversity
issue at hand.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus
the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
of the band getting too big. A substitution of a string quartet,
a cutback on new music and eliminating uniforms will produce savings
which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people,
fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies
indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.
If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney�s association
seeking expansion to include the legal profession
(thirteen lawyers-a-suing): action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond my consideration that deeper cuts
may be necessary in the future to stay competitive.
Should that happen, the Board will request outside consultants
to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs
is the appropriate number and whether or not the mine is still
profitable.
Happy Holidays!
Yama Screwg
Chairman of the Board
TNP, Inc.
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