CHRISTMAS IS FUN .. BUT .... UH ... WELL READ ON....
[ SANTA'S WATCHING YOU ]
Now .. how can this guy do this and go trapsen around in a big over coat ... watchin every one .. people thinkin hes cool and all .. I dare you to do that ... look he's feedin the animals like hes safe or somthin ....... hey ..... you go a ho ho ho-ing around town .. they'll lock ya up man ... jeemany ..... especially with that red nose a his ... no wait that was that animal ...... yeah sure ...... you go get an animal drunk and see what kinda songs those animal rights people will sing about you ...... whew .... some people .... I mean he even tells ya hes a peepen in on ya .. not even trying to hide it .. MAN dont tell me the police dont know .. ha ... he does it EVEN when your asleep ... wow ... tell me theres nothing wrong with that .......... he drags that animal around with him all night cause its nose is so bright an all ..... please .... they're singing about this guy a peepen in on ya ..whats up with that ... and dont tell me hes a hidin ..huh especially when the guys eatin right out of your house .. cookies .. man cookies how do you explain that .... people .. you leave em out ...... and the parents .. thats the darndest thing ..... they tell you tooo .... wow .. go figure ...OK so its the 90's this guy .. they say hes been doin this for awhile ... I aint seen noone tryin to stop him .. come on .. set a trap or somethin .. put somethin in that milk like sleep eez we can put a stop to this peepin tom ... Alright? that baby in the manger can sleep better at nights .... folks wake up .. mennis I'm callin him ... and watch out for that yella snow ...................... ho ho ho har har har chow baby*********************************** ‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck How to live in a world that’s politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to Elves, Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened. And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that’s warlike to non-pacific. No candy or sweets they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you’ve got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere even you. So here is the gift, it’s price beyond worth May you and your loved ones enjoy peach on earth." AAAAAAAAAAAAAahhhhhhhhhA politically correct christmas
IMMEDIATE RELAESE
Restructuring Press Release
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was deemed appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s give distribution business. QVC, other Home Shopping Channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. ************************************* First up, coal in the stocking. If Santa were a woman, and ran across a truly bad little boy or girl, she'd mutter something about "not wanting to damage the child's self-esteem", and then leave a copy of "Chicken Soup For The Soul". ******************* Can you imagine ANY woman in red velvet getting within 15 feet of of soot? ****************** A woman setting up shop at the North Pole? The battle over the thermostat would have shut the place down centuries ago. ****************** If Santa were a woman, no one would get their gifts until January 1st. "Well, all the best sales are after Christmas, anyway." ****************** It takes most women weeks just to find the right pair of shoes. You honestly think a woman could pick out gifts for the entire world in a mere 364 days? ****************** Even if that weren't the case, Christmas Eve would definitely take much longer. Can you imagine how much time it would take to find an acceptable open rest room on Christmas Eve? ****************** As regards Rudolph, what self-respecting woman would travel behind a portable red light district? ****************** The elves would have long since grown tired answering the same question every time she put on the suit. "Does this make me look fat?" ****************** "I can't make the trip this year. I'm retaining water." ****************** All that time to get made up, and then put on a hat and drive in an open-top vehicle? No woman I know. ****************** Snowy rooftops. High heeled boots. ****************** The sleigh would've crashed years ago. Imagine trying to sort through gifts, control a team of of nine deer, and apply makeup all at the same time. ****************** I rest my case. Happy Holidays! ********************************* ************************************* Local Interpretation - -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You darn Yankees never do read the Bible! I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage. Sticking it in my face she said, See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.********************************************* ************************************************************** Santa Claus is a WOMAN!!! I think Santa Claus is a woman. . . ************************************************************** I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a SHE. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped onto the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and the clouds and then refuse to ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man: --Men can’t pack a bag --Men would rather be dead than get caught wearing red velvet --Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with those elves --Men don’t answer their mail --Men refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a bowl full of jelly --Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them --Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women --Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment! I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men. . . Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite GUY! Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone test. But not Santa. Not a chance. I REST MY CASE ! *********************************************************************** Santa's Really Bitter T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear The old lady naggs cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those moronns from IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes - if that ain't darn funny Who the heck ever sent Santa Clause any money And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little kids I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! If you think that's bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of pi$$ They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat duff and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!! heh heh heh ... [ho ho ho] *********************************************************************** Thought you could use a good laugh, cause i sure did..... ***********************************************************************
§ČA§0N§ G®ČɆ!NG§ * This Holiday end a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion, and replace it with trust.... Write a love letter. Share some treasure. Give a soft answer. En- courage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Find the time. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Listen. Apologize if you were wrong. Try to understand. Flout envy. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Appreciate. Be kind; be gentle Laugh a little. Laugh a little more. Deserve confidence. Take up arms against malice. Decry complacency. Express your gratitude. Go to church. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love. Speak it again. Speak it still once again. ,,,,, ... ()* • * ()* • *()* • * ()* • *()* • * ()* • * ()* • * ()*• * ()* • * ()* • *()* • * ()* • *()* • * ()* • * ()* • * ()* • * ()* • *()* •* *****************************
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus, A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of the other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to age, race, creed, color, religion, national origin, disability, political affiliation or sexual orientation. (Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.) NYAH NYAH NYAH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mikey's Thot for the Day: Any day above ground is a good day. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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