How To Prepare Chicken...
A waiter asks a man, �May I take your order, sir?�
�Yes,� the man replies. �I�m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?�
�Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they are going to die".ey�re going to die.�
Clinton Hijinx
Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm.
A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs --
they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"
Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
Republicans in Heaven
Why are there only 12 Republicans in heaven?
If there were any more, it'd be hell.
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YO MOMMA'S SO FAT
Yo momma's so fat,
she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac
Yo momma's so fat,
when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials
Yo momma's so fat,
the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale
Yo momma's so fat,
when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please
Yo momma's so fat,
when she steps on the scale it says sorry we don't do livestock
Yo momma's so fat,
when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate
Yo momma's so fat,
at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes Please"
Yo momma's so fat,
when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.
Yo momma's so fat,
when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.
Yo momma's so fat,
when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.
Yo momma's so fat,
when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"
Yo momma's so fat,
she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.
Yo momma's so fat,
she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.
Yo momma's so fat,
when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.
Yo momma's so fat,
Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.
Yo momma's so fat,
when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma's so fat,
she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.
Yo mama so fat,
that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.
Yo momma's so fat,
I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
Yo momma's so fat,
when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
Yo mama' so fat,
she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!
Yo momma's so fat,
they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
Yo momma's so fat,
she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.
Yo momma's so fat,
the horse on her Polo shirt is real.
Yo momma's so fat,
when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.
Yo momma's so fat,
her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
Yo momma's so fat,
all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Momma"
Yo momma's so fat,
when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo momma's so fat,
instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.
Yo momma's so fat,
when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.
Yo momma's so fat,
when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.
Yo momma's so fat,
when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.
Yo momma's so fat,
she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo momma's so fat,
she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo momma's so fat,
a picture of her fell off the wall!
Yo momma's so fat,
her picture takes two frames.
Yo momma's so fat,
her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
FUNNY SHAIRI
Kon kehta hai pyaar may pakray jaeen gay?
Waqt aanay per behen bhai ban jaeen gay
Itnay dino se jalanay nahi aya
Jalti hui aag ko bujhanay nahi aya
Kehta tha saath jiyen gay saath marain gay
Ab rooth gai hoon to ullu ka patha mananay bhi nahi aya
Ishq kay samander main ghota lagaya
Pani both thanda tha main bahar nikal aya
Un ki gali say guzray,ajab ittefaq tha
Unho nay phool phanka,gamla bhi saath tha
Log kehtay hain kayamat kay din marr jaeen gay
Hum bhi bohot chalaak hai,mangi thallay war jaeen gay
Wo ankh bari pyaari thi jo hum nay usay mari thi
Wo sandle bari bhari thi jo us nay hamay mari thi
chandni chand se hogi to sitaroon ka kiya ho ga
mohabbat eik se hogi to hazaroon ga kiya ho ga
Abhi abhi to pyaar ka computer kiya hai chaaloo
Aab main dil ki hard disk pe aur kitni files daaloo
Apne chehare se ruswaai ka error to hatao
Ai jaaneman apne dil ka password to batao
Aaakhain taras gaye tumhara khyal aa gaya
Ab to chehra dikha do, naya saal aaa gaya
Gul Gaye Gulshan Gaye, Gul Ke Patte Rah Gaye
Sare Shayair Mar Gaye, Tum Ullu Ke Pathe Rah Gaye
Ghar ghar main diya jale, To diwali mat samjho
Agar main tera peeche paroon, To mawali mat samjho
Janaza Mera Nikla, Duniya Dekh Ne Nikli
Magar Woh Zalim Na Nikli, Jiske Liye Mera Janaza nikla
Tere ishq main janam kya se kya haal ho gaya
Badan se badboo aa rahee hai, nahay zamana ho gaya
Aasman se gira ek chaand ka tukda,
Usse bhi sundar aapka mukhra.
Na teer, na talvaar se ghayal hue hain...
Teri sirf ik nazaar se, ilzaam, Shaayar hue hain
High Tech Shairee
jo sadiyaon se hota aaya hai
woh repeat kar doonga
tu naa mili to tujhko dil sey
Ctrl+Alt+delete kar doonga
*****
company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain
aur lonely hain
problem ye hai ki bus voh
read only hain
*******
shayad mere pyar ko taste
karna bhool gaye
dil sey aisa cut kiya
ke paste karna bhool gaye
===========
Aged Shaayar
Bahut ho chuki bewafai ab to wafa kijiye.
Bahut ho chuki bewafai ab to wafa kijiye
Kabr mein hain paaon aapke, kuchh to haya kijiye
Ek sher yaad ataa hai,gaur se suno.
Mujhe nahin ataa kisi aur se suno.
Bandook se goli nikli to 'fire' keh diya
Yuhin kuch bak diya to shayar keh diya.
Andheri raat thi, woh mere saath thi
main uske upar tha, woh mere neeche thi
haathon mein haath the, pairon mein per
bura mat maanana woh meri cycle thi
Yeh zulphen hai teri,
ya resham ka jaal,
Khushnaseeb hai woh choohae,
Jo kha gaye tere baal.
ANGDAYEE WOH LETI HAI DUM MERA NIKAL JATA HAI......
WAH!WAH!WAH!WAH!
ANGDAYEE WOH LETI HAI DUM MERA NIKAL JATA HAI..........
WAH!WAH!WAH!WAH!
ARE ZAALIM DEODRENT LAGAANE ME TERA KYA JAATA HAI?
Dil Hai Tera Dariyaa....Aankhen Hain Teri Jheel
So My Darling ... What's The Big-Deal ??
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Neil Armstrong Chand Par Gaya Aur Farmaya
"Ye Saala, Idhar Hawa Kyon Nahin Ayaa...?"
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Tairna Hai To Paani Main Aao, Kinare Pe Kya Rakha Hai
Ishq Karna Hai To Bahar Aao, Ishare Main Kya Rakha Hai
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Maine Tujhe Dekha Dekhta Raha
Dekhta Hi Gaya Phir Mujhe Chashma Lag Gaya
Bolaa Dukaan-Daar, Ke Kyaa Chahiye Tumhain
Jo Bhii Kaho Ge Merii Dukaan Per Wo Paoge
Maine Kahaa Ke Kutte Ke Khaane Kaa Cake Hai
Bolaa Yahiin Pe khaaoge Yaa Leke jaaoge
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Aaj Phir Aaye Hitchkiyaan Dil-E-Nasaad Mujhe
Shayad Us Sokh Ne Bhule Se Yaad Kiya Mujhe
Aaakhain Taras Gaye Tumhara Khyal Aa Gaya
Ab To Chehra Dikha Do, Naya Saal Aaa Gaya
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Gul Gaye Gulshan Gaye, Gul Ke Patte Rah Gaye
Sare Shayair Mar Gaye, Tum Ullu Ke Pathe Rah Gaye
Paida Hua Wakeel (advocate) To Shaitaan Nay Kaha
Lo Aaj Main Bhee Sahab-e-Aulad Ho Gaya
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Jahaan Gaaye The Khushiyon Ke Taraane
Muqaddar Dekhiye Roye Wahiin Par
Hue Masjid Se Gum Juute Hamaare
JahaaN Se Paaye The, Khoye Wahiin Par
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Aaakhain Taras Gaye Tumhara Khyal Aa Gaya
Ab To Chehra Dikha Do, Naya Saal Aaa Gaya
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Khud ko Kar Buland Itnaa
Kay Himaalay Ki Choti Pe Jaa Pahunche
Aur Khuda Tumse Puche
Abe Gadhe, Ab Utrega Kaise
Janaza Mera Nikla, Duniya Dekh Ne Nikli
Magar Woh Zalim Na Nikli, Jiske Liye Mera Janaza Nikla
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Teri Beauty Ne Mujko Appeal Kiya
Dusri Ko Reject Kiya
Aur Tisri Ko Select Kiya
Sheeshi Bhari Gulab Ki, Phatthar Se Phor Doon
Pant Wali Mil Jaye,To Ghanghre Wali Ko Chor Doon
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Teri Zulf Kya Hai Raat Ka Saaya Hai
Sar Mudaa Deeya To Sawera Ho Jayega
Tere ishq main janam kya se kya Haal Ho Gaya
Badan Se Badboo Aa Rahee Hai, Nahay Zamana Ho Gaya
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Aasman se gira ek chaand ka tukda,
Usse Bhi Sundar Aapka Mukhra.
Na Teer, Na Talvaar Se Ghayal Hue Hain...
Teri Sirf Ik Nazaar Se, Ilzaam, Shaayar Hue Hain
Mein Nikla O Jaahaz(plane) Leke
O rastey mein
O New York mein
Ek mood aaaayaa
Mein Trade Tower tood aayaa......
O rab Janey
Kab nikla New York
O rab janey
Kab pentagon aaaaya
Mein Uthey Jahaaz phod aayaa
================
Aisi apni Wife ho
Sadak per sab kahe kya cute ho,
Bhid me sab kahe side ho, side ho,
Bambai, Delhi ya Gujarat ki paidaish ho,
Sas ki seva jiski khwahish ho
Aisi apni Wife ho.
Padosi jab baat kare to haath me knife ho,
Dinner ke time candle light ho,
Hum me tum me kabhi na koi fight ho,
Milane ke baad dil delight ho,
Yeh kavita padhne ke baad log kahe "chikne, tum right ho",
Aisi apni Wife ho.
kaash yeh concept .0001 percent bhi right ho
agar aisi apni wife ho
to kya hasin life ho
har kisi ki yahi farmaish ho
kudrat ki bhi aajmaish ho
khudah ke software mein bhi bug ki gunjaish ho
ay kaash, kahin to ek aisi paidaish ho
aisi apni wife ho!
================================
Woh ladki kitni pyaari thi, jis ko aankh maari thi
Woh sendal kitni bhaari thi, jo us ney sar per maari thi
Patharr kyun marte ho, pura pahaar maar do
Hum yuheeen mar jayenge, sirf ek baar aankh maar do
Anarkali teri zulfein hain raat ka andhera,
Anarkali teri zulfein hain raat ka andhera,
Ho ja tu ganji karde sawera.
=========
check this poetry out.....
Ho gayi galti humse, click ho gaya mouse
Duniya ki parwaah chhodo, ban jaao meri spouse!
Tumse mila main kal to, mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili to kehti ho: Your file not found!
Ab aur kaho na tum, "but" ya "if"
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated gif
Aisa bhi nahin hai ke, I don't likeyour face
Par dil ke computer mein, nahin hai enough disk space
Ghar se nikalti ho tum jab, pehen ke evening gown
Too many requests se, ho jaata hai server down
Tumhaare liye pyaar ki application, create main karoonga
Tum usse debug karna, wait main karoonga
Tumhaara intezaar karte karte, main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection, time out ho gaya
Kya chaal hai tumhaari, jaise chalti hai koi cat
What is your ICQ number, aao karein chat
Tum jabse meri zindagi mein, aayi ho banke female
Yaad raha na ab kuch, na postman , na e-Mail
Main tumhein pyaar kyun karoon, tum nahi ho Ash,
Phir bhi tumhe dekh kar mera, system hota hai crash
=================
Aai kaash un kai saath hotay hum
Khushiaan hotien hamaray paas naa hota koi gham
Aap ki yaadein aati rehtein hain subha shaam
Isi liye to rehtein hain meri aankhein nam
Mujhay hai aitibaar sirf aap ki mohabbat par
Kai aap naa dain gay mujhay koi zakham
Aaj mainay tanhai mein yeh jaan liya
Aap kai bin mairy khushiaan hogayein hain kam
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kisii kii chaah ke qaabil nahiiN huuN..maiN koii raah yaa manzil nahiiN huuN.. mujhey paa kar na paa_ogey kinaaraa..saraab e nazar huN saahil nahiiN huuN
qatl ko chaahey Khudkushii samjho.. zindagii ko to zindagii samjho.. tum ho ahl e Khudaa, magar yaaro aadmii ko to aadmii samjho
hamney shamma banaa liyaa dil ko..jab bhii chaahaa jalaa liyaa dil ko..dard ne aazmaa liiyaa dil ko..behisii ne bachaa liiyaa dil ko..zaKhm rakhey haiN kis qariiney se..dekh mainey sajaa liiyaa dil ko
aakey lab tak Thahar gayaa paani..pyaas se meri, Dar gayaa paani..unka chehraa nikhaarney aaya..aur khud hi nikhar gayaa paani
suunii raahoN ke nagar meiN huN maiN..kitnii sadiiyoN se safar meiN huN maiN..saarii duniiya kii nazar meiN huN maiN..jab se ik kaaNch ke ghar meiN huN maiN..poNchh DaaluuNga kisii din khud ko..apney hee deedah-e-tar meiN huN maiN
dil dhaDaktaa sunaa_ii detaa hai.."Gham haiN kitney!" duhaaii detaa hai.. ishq gar dein hai Khudaa kii, to wo hameiN kyuN judaaii detaa hai!
wo puchtey haiN ke kyuN tashnagii nahiiiN jaatii..adaa e yaar kii wo saadgii nahiiN jaatii..bas ek moDe par aa kar Thahar gayii hai ye..binaa tere kahiiN ye zindagii nahiiN jaatii
=----------------------------
Chund Khubsorat Asshar
1.. Kia hai piyar jisay hum ne zindagi ki terha ... Wo Ashna bhi mila hum se ajnabi ki terha
Berha k piyas meri us ne sath chor dia ... wo keraha tha murawat bhi dilagi ki terha
2.. Aziz itna hi rakho k ji sambhal jaiye ... ab is qadar bhi na chahoo k dam nikal jaiye
mohabbatoon mein ajab hai diloon ko dherka sona ... k jane koun kahan rasta badal jaiye
3.. wafa ke haathon ajab apna haal rehta hay ... jo bewafa hay ushi ka khyaal rehta hay
usay to gham he nahi meray rooth janay ka .... mujhay judayee ka jis ke malaal rehta hay
4.. chup chup k rooaon aur sar-e-anjuman hansoon ... mujh ko ye mashwara mere derd-e-ashna ka tha
tota to kitnay aina khano per zerd pari ... atka hua galay mein jo pather sada ka tha
5.. Jo BEwafa nazar ata hai woh BAwafa hi na hoo ... Yah berukhi bhi mohabbat ki ek ada hi na ho
Hum aadmi se farishta to ban nahi saktay ... Woh chahtay hain ke abb hum se koi khata bhi na hoo
6.. Aik shakhs k kho janey ka ghum kiyon nahi jata ... yeh boajh meray dil sey utar kyoon nahi jata
Manzil pe pohanch ke usay khona hi parey ga ... Yah taay hai toh phir shoq-E-safar kyoon nahi jata
7.. hamare ghar ka pata poochne se kya haasil ... udaasiyon ki koi shehriat nahi hoti
charagh ghar ka ho masjid ka ho ke mandir ka ... hawa ke paas koi maslehat nahi hoti
8.. tumhare bas mein agar ho to bhool jaoo hamein ... tumhein bhulane mein shaid hamein zamana lage
na jane kia hai kisi ki udas se ankhoon mein ... wo moo chupa k bhi jai to bewafa na lage
9.. bicheray kuch is ada se k ruth hi badal gai ... aik shaks saray sheher ko weraan ker gaya
dilchusp waqiya hai k kal aik aziz dost ... apnay mofad per mujhe qurban ker gaya
10. aik teri yaad mein ashk bahaaye haan itnay ... jitne kay dikhaai detay haan falak par taaray
Tum na gin sakogay unko kabhi nazron say ... dil say ahsaas karo ginay jaayengay saaray
11. mere har har sawal mein mujhe Dhndhnaa ... mere geet mein mere Khvaab mein mujhe dekhnaa
jo tarap tujhe kisii aainay mein na mil sake ... to phir aaiinay ke javaab mein mujhe dekhnaa