“I don’t have time”.

I have learned a different way of thinking about this statement.  I have also learned that most people don’t see this statement the same way that I do, and that I can’t fault them, blame them, or be angry at them for that. It is their statement of truth as they see it.  They are on their own life path.

I used to use this statement a lot.  It was the mantra of my life.  It was the truth of my life.  Play my flute?  I don’t have time.  Clean up the basement?  I don’t have time.  Call my friend on the phone?  I don’t have time.  Go shopping for a new dress?  I don’t have time.

And suddenly, I didn’t have time for anything.  My life was overwhelming.  Through a lot of reading, discussing, and a course on Emotional Intelligence, I have come to realize what I am really saying and doing when I use those words, “I don’t have time”. 

I am assigning a value to something when I use those words.  I am saying that whatever I don’t have time for has less value to me than something else that I do wish to spend my time on.  I am saying that I am choosing not to spend time on something.  I have used the words quite unconsciously in the past without actually thinking about what choices I am actually making and what those choices and actions are saying about my values.  And actions always speak louder than words.  But words can be used to explain those choices and actions.

For example, I will pound the table and say I value my family and my children above all else, but I then turn around and tell my kids that I don’t have time to play with them or color a picture or help them find something right now because I have to vacuum the house or do the dishes or practice my flute. 

What do my children see and feel when I say that?  They could easily believe I am saying that I value a clean house or my flute more than I value my children.  In fact, this is exactly the way children see things.  In their egocentric, immature state, they can easily believe they are simply not worth spending time with, they are worthless.  I believe much low self-worth in children comes from being told that people don’t have time for them.  (Of course, this isn’t based on a study of a bunch of kids, just from first-hand experience!)  The most interesting thing I have learned is that I still have a child within me that thinks this way!  I have found that someone who says they don’t have time for me or for something I have produced might as well have picked up the sharpest knife in the drawer and stabbed me!

And yes, sometimes the house needs vacuuming, the dishes need doing and the flute needs practicing.  That cannot be denied.  And so, when I have that feeling that I don’t have time for something, I examine it to see what choices I am making, what values I am using, and I try to explain these choices and values to people if I think they may feel rejected by my choice of how I plan to spend my time.

For example, am I really saying that I value a clean house more than I value my children?  Am I really saying that I value my flute playing more than I value my children?  It depends.  Maybe at that time, that’s exactly what I am saying.  But maybe I’m actually showing how much I value my children.  Children need to understand that other things must get done to keep our lives running in an orderly fashion.  They need to learn that if they want to be good at something, they need to practice doing it.  They need to learn that they aren’t the center of the Universe.  And as I said before, actions speak louder than words.  If I never practiced my flute around my children, how would they know the importance of the need to practice and work at something in order to be good at it?    If I never cleaned up around the house, how would they learn the value of hard work and tidiness?  Believe me, they don’t learn that by my nagging!  I believe that children (and the children within us adults) can come to understand these things if we are willing to take the time to describe why we are choosing to spend our time a certain way.  Of course, we need to make sure we are not just justifying our ‘neglect’ of someone.  I believe children can grow up learning not to feel worthless when someone doesn’t have time for them if a ‘lack of time’ decision is well explained to them.  It doesn’t mean they won’t be sad when someone doesn’t have time for them occasionally, but perhaps they won’t take it as a reflection of their self-worth.

The big kicker is that to be able to describe why we are choosing to spend our time a certain way, we need to figure it out first.  It is often really difficult for us to determine why we ‘don’t have time’ for something.  It takes a ton of self-honesty.  It’s really tough because sometimes it reveals to us that perhaps we actually don’t value something as much as we profess to or want to, and the guilt and shame can set in. 

Perhaps our examination of our “I don’t have time” statements, and our related actions and choices show that we value our work above our friends or family.  That can be hard to admit to ourselves if we fiercely believe that we value relationships with people above all else.  I now recognize a number of times in my life where my boy wanted me to come do something with his class but I told him I didn’t have time because I was too busy at work.  It’s sometimes so easy to justify this ‘attachment’ to work by saying we’re just being responsible.  But perhaps what we’re saying is that we’re just too important and indispensable to our organization, and that we have to do this work.  And perhaps we truly do value our work highly, either because we love it, or because we know it's a stepping stone to a more balanced life in the future. I know in my younger years...my 20's and early 30's, I was finishing my education...getting my degree and accounting designations. This involved three years of articling with a Chartered Accounting Firm, and anyone who's done this knows how much overtime is expected. And I never left after 3 years because I also valued establishing my career and getting supervisory experience under my belt. I finally left when I began to value family and friendships more than I valued my work. Only then, after 9 years of marriage, did I start having children. I knew I could now show I valued them, not just say I valued them.

Sometimes when our hearts say we value our family and friends, but our actions say we value other things, such as our work, we lesson our guilt by telling ourselves that our loved ones will understand because they love us.  Nope, our loved ones don’t always understand why they aren’t valued as highly as the work organization.  Or, maybe they do understand, but have boundaries which allows them to decide that, because they value intimacy and friendship, they will find someone who actually demonstrates the same values rather than just paying lip service to them.

Sometimes we say things like ‘I don’t have time to take a course on Assertiveness or a course on Emotional Intelligence”, but we know that such courses would be so beneficial in many areas of our lives.  If we examine that “I don’t have time” judgement, we might very well be saying that we don’t value ourselves or our growth.  And once we open that can of worms, we’re drawn into looking deeper.  What is causing me to value work more than relationships, when I really want to value relationships?  What is causing me to not value myself and my growth?

And then, if you’re able to come up with some reasons, it leads to either a wish to change our patterns of action to align them with our values, or maybe to an acceptance that we really don’t value certain things, and that’s just the way we are. 

I have learned that I do have time to learn about myself and to align my actions with my values.  It’s a long, slow process, but it’s also an amazing process!  I plan to keep up the learning for the rest of my life.

Maureen Voss

June 23, 2004