A Codependent’s Relationship/Piccolo Analogy

Below is truly a piece of my life where my piccolo is concerned.  And YOU, my friend, are like my piccolo (except you’re not an inanimate object).

I love my piccolo.  I enjoy going places where I can play my piccolo.  I love to listen to the piccolo in other groups and ensembles.  I love to hold and practice my piccolo.  I could practice for hours.  Sometimes I do practice for hours.  It’s my escape from everything else in my life.  It’s something I can focus on rather than focusing on my other issues.  It makes me feel happy.  But then, it makes me feel miserable at the same time!

When I practice a fast, tense piccolo passage, I tend to grip my piccolo very tightly.  It’s really not very good for my piccolo and causes the pads to get all squished and the keys to get bent.  And when I practice too much and grip too tight, my knuckles and wrists hurt.  I wake up during the night and they ache.  In the morning my knuckles are seized up so I can’t bend them without hurting. 

Every night, when my family and I say bedtime prayers, I pray that my knuckles and wrists will get better and stop hurting.  I know that maybe I should give the practicing a rest, I can’t seem to.  I spend lots of time practicing, even if I sometimes wish I’d spend more time on housework so that we’d have some space on the cupboard and wouldn’t have to get our clean clothes out of the laundry baskets.  Sometimes we’re even lucky to HAVE clean clothes!   At breakfast in the morning, I take calcium pills to try to help my wrists and knuckles.  I do everything I can, except detaching from my piccolo, to try to make my knuckles and wrists feel better.

Sometimes, all I can think about is practicing my piccolo.  I get mad when my kids are constantly after me for attention, or I get ornery when the house needs cleaning and I don’t get time to practice.  I know I should leave my piccolo alone, but I enjoy it so much. I love the feeling of happiness when I’ve had a good practice session.  So I go right back at it, and hurt some more.  I tell myself I’m going to leave it alone, but then I don’t.

Sometimes I get so angry at what I perceive is causing my pain.  I think and act like such a victim of the world.  But is it my piccolo’s fault that my knuckles and wrists hurt?  Did my piccolo cause my pain?  Did my piccolo cause me to think about it all the time and want to practice it all time.  Should my piccolo feel bad and stressed that I hurt?  No, of course not.  That’s silly!  I caused my own hurt by gripping too tightly and playing it too much, and I worry that I’ve caused my piccolo damage at the same time.  I caused my own hurt by hoping that, if I spend a lot of time practicing, I will be able to get what I need from my piccolo…that when I’m a better player, I’ll also feel like a better, more acceptable and lovable person.  But I don’t feel that way.  I just feel shame…shame for wanting to practice all the time, shame for gripping my piccolo so hard and not being able to ease up.

I am learning that my piccolo can’t give me what I need. Only I can.  I must detach from obsessing about getting enough practice time with my piccolo.  I know I have to loosen my grip on it and put it away for awhile and leave it alone if I want my knuckles and wrists to feel better and if I want to get over my shame.  I know that becoming a better player will not get me the attention, love and acceptance that I am seeking so hard.  I must work on loving and accepting myself and others just as we are.  I must stop trying to control how perfect I play my piccolo and turn it over to my Higher Power.  Then, once I’m no longer obsessing about the need to practice so much, I can focus on practicing smarter.  Once I’m able to love and accept myself and others, I will play my piccolo just for the sheer joy of playing and for sharing with others, not a method of getting attention, approval and love.