Matt is Gone
 

To the Ass Bakery cast, crew and viewers:

This is Matt MacDonald, cast member of The Ass Bakery. As some of you may have noticed, I have not been seen on he Ass Bakery for a few weeks. Why, you ask? Well, you may have heard that I've gone on a worldwide sex tour. This much is true. Why, in the last week, I've made out with singer/songstress Britney Spears and former television star Rue McClanahan. Britney actually turned out to be a phony. I was drunk and stumbled into a wax museum. As for Rue, we role played a Golden Girls Blanche Devereaux game and let me tell you, the rumors are true- she's one sweet piece of sassafras!

But I cannot lie, my sex tour is only a superficial reason for not attending Ass Bakery tapings. The truth is, I donít feel welcome anymore. Gavin and Chris sabotage my jokes. Courtney has stopped our pre-show double dildo session. Even my former love interest Andrew Patterson has shunned me on set. It is because of these feelings that I will not return to The Ass Bakery until certain demands I have prepared are agreed to. And they are as follows:
 

  • I will have my dressing room stocked with Aquaman comic books, but each and every book must have the letter "Q" crossed out because I donít like q's, and Aquaman will now be referred to as A'uaman.
  • My toenail clippings will be collected and when a suitable amount are collected they will be fashioned into a statue containing the nude likeness of Andrew Patterson.
  • I will only be spoken to in Spanish, German, or Indonesian.
  • You will give me the rights to the rights to the letter "K" from The Ass Bakery name. You will no longer be able to refer to the show as "The Ass Bakery" or any derivative of such name containing the letter "K." You may use "The Ass Ba'ery" or "The Ass B..." or just "The Ass." Any name is fine so long as it does not contain the letter "K."
  • Whenever my name is mentioned, it will be immediately suffixed by one of the following nicknames: "Sex Machine," "Daddy Long Leg," or "Tommy Schlamme's Love Motor."


    • I apologize to the loyal Ass Bakery viewers, but until these demands are met, I can not return. Meanwhile, if you need your daily fix of Matt MacDonald, you will soon be able to see me in my one-man Vegas show, "K."

    Thank you for your understanding.
     
     

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