Upon watching the 2001 Masters tournament, one question came to my mind, and that is "What is up with Tiger's fashion sense?" Now I know you say "But he has a deal with Nike! Those are great clothes!" Yes, they are nice indeed, but my quibble is not with the make or style of his clothes, but the color of them. In nearly every tournament Tiger wears the same black hat, black pants, and black shoes; the only variant is his different color shirt (but which usually tends towards some sort of dark red). That's it. The guy couldn't wear some light colored khakis, a white shirt, or at the very least a different color hat? It's not like he's getting these clothes from Big Kmart, this is Nike we're talking about. Their clothes might be made in sweatshops but I do know that they have a wide variety of colors to choose from, even in your local Foot Locker. But Tiger doesn't have to go to Foot Locker, he gets his clothes from Phil Knight directly and is actually paid to wear them. The least that they can do is give him a couple of different colors to wear.

The reason I have deduced why Tiger wears only these black, dark colors is because he is, in fact, part of the Goth movement. Under the guise of a light-hearted golf professional, his dark style shows through. Ever wonder why Tiger is so well known and loved? Also wonder at the sudden increase in the past few years of gun incidents in schools? Coincidence? No. These Goth kids wear black and kill not because of what the public would like to believe is violent video games or music, but because they look up to Tiger and are only following in his footsteps. The same obsessiveness Tiger shows on the golf course, these kids show in carrying out their missions of violence. Ever seen Tiger get mad after missing a putt? Mmm-hmmm, it's a look of pure anger and proves my point exactly about his participation within the Goths.

We know he wins all the time, and I can hear the Goth kids cheering Tiger's Grand Slam now. The scary kid with jet black hair, 15 rings in his face, and a long black trenchcoat who lives down the street from you? Yeah, he's happy. He may look wanton and depressed on the outside, but inside he's secretly giving praise to his hero and leader, Tiger Woods. It 's the beginning of a new Goth uprising, with Tiger right in the center of it all.

Now I know that the above words can be considered inflammatory, and I don't want them to be misconstrued as anything other than a possible scenario. A likely scenario, but only one possibility of course. And now I must take my leave and collect my fee for writing this essay, which was commissioned by a mysterious client who insists that I refer to him only as "Mr. Mickelson."