Huh?!

huh (hu)

An exclamation used to express suprise, shock, contempt, etc. or to ask a question

These are just quotes, one-liners and statements that are original or updated versions of famous sayings. Some are funny, others are thought provoking. Credit is given to whomever submitted the quote, not to who originaly said it. (There's no way for me to authenticate claims of any kind.) Submit your own!

The newest entries are in blue

• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in that person's shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just get the hell away from me!
• It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Always remember you're unique -- just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example to others.
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack that jerk upside his head.
• The things that come to those who wait are what's left behind by those who got there first.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
• Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
• I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
• Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

• With patience and persistence, you can pee through a rock.
• Why can�t I set my laser printer on stun?
• Cross country skiing is great, if you live in a small country.
• If cats always land on their feet and bread always lands butter-side down, what happens if you strap a cat to a piece of bread, and drop it?
• If it wasn�t for pickpockets I�d have no sex life at all.
• Always look out for number one and be careful not to step in number two.
• I told my psychiatrist I was having suicidal tendencies and now I have to pay in advance.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• When you look like your passport photo, it�s time to go home.
• Can you put your Visa on Mastercard?
• What does alphagheti look like in Japan?
• Outside of a dog, a book is a man�s best friend. Inside a dog it�s too dark to read.
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?
• If a cluttered desk is a sign on a cluttered mind, then what is an empty desk a sign of?
• Incest; The game the whole family can play.
• If you shoot a mime, do you have to use a silencer?
• What happens if you�re scared half to death, twice?
• Save the cows. Eat at McDonalds.
• The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
• He couldn�t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
• Shouldn't "afterdark" really be "afterlight"?
• How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
• Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them with apples they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now tell me what you know.
• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
• If I held you any tighter, I'd be on the other side of you.
• Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest and came in third.
• Why do we recite in plays and play in recitals?
• I swung at him and missed. Swung again and hit him in the exact same spot.
• I want money to buy the time to get the things that money will not buy.
• My grandma's eighty years old and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
• Ten out of five schizophrenics agree!
• Never put off until tommorrow what you can do the day after tommorrow.
• Never put off until tommorrow what you can put off altogether.
• Never put off until tommorrow what you can get someone else to do today.
• If vegetarians eat vegatables, what do humanitarians eat?

• Death to all who discriminate.
• Peace is the wonderful time in history when everyone stops shooting �and reloads.
• Imagine how great the world would be if every shut up, sat down and thought about nothing but peace �right up until the looting started.

• When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
• Ask a stupid question and stupid people will answer.
• No chaos, no riots or fires in the streets, no mass power outages�this Y2K is broken, I want a new one.
• This is government issue; made by the lowest bidder. Any comfort or quality is an unexpected side effect.
• If you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong. Or you shouldn't be doing it at all.
• Sometimes the 'nudge in the right direction' is a good, strong kick in the ass.
• If you ever think life sucks, think of the alternative.
• The only thing that you have to do is die. Everything else is optional.
• Try to keep the pointy, sharp end going forward or away from you. This applies to everything from scissors to aircraft.
• Flight Safety Reports are examples of Darwinism at work.
• Everything is the Pilot's Responsibilty. If a pilot goes home for the day and the aircraft spontaneously combusts, it was not an Act of God; it was the pilot's responsibility.
• The intelligence of a group can be found by taking the intelligence of its smartest member and dividng that among the number of people present.

• Whatever does hit the fan is never evenly distributed.

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• The older you get, the better you realize you were.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
• Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
• Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?