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| Fear and Loathing in Lincoln City | ||||||||||||||||||||
| After a few weeks, she picked me up. When I got in with my stuff, my mom was in the van, which was great because my mom is like my best friend. We started off for Lincoln City. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| One day last Spring my grandmother from Pennsylvania called me and asked me to go to the beach with her. I was overjoyed because I wanted to see some pirates and possibly join them. Let's face it, my life sucks and if I were a pirate, it would be a vast improvement. I told her that I would love to go with her. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| When we reached our destination later that night, we found our hotel. I noticed that the name of the place was Captain John's: a pirate name if I ever heard one. My eyes glazed over, and, in a trance, I slowly shuffled over to the front office, where I was sure much raping and pillaging was occurring. In my mind I heard all of the jolly voices raised in unison, singing "What do you do with a drunken sailor?" I could smell the smoke, booze, and meat. The camaraderie would be as warm as the fire in the hearth, which I was sure at least one scurvy dog had, in a drunken stupor, emptied his gullet in, filling the hall with the foul reek of frying vomit. To say I longed to be in there would be like saying Crazy Larry kind of dislikes Casey. I wanted it with all of my being. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Then, just as I put my hand to the doorknob, I was pulled out of my state by a hand on my shirt collar. I was pulled viciously by the scruff of my neck backwards, my legs dragging on the ground. As I shook the cobwebs out of my head I noticed that the crotch of my pants was soaked. Oh well. Pirates care not for cleanliness. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| It had been my grandmother who had pulled me back at the last instant. With the strength of a grizzly bear, she picked me up over her head and threw me in the van. I was informed that it was dinner time. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| When I finally realized that they were taking me away from my life of piracy, I started flailing at the door. Damned child safety locks. I hate them with every ounce of my being. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Once everyone caught on that I was not going to stop throwing myself sideways into the door on my own, and after I had thoroughly bloodied myself, my mom told me that I could have fish and chips. I immediately forgot pirates, began drooling down my shirt, rocking back and forth, saying 'fish and chips, hehe' over and over again, and pissed myself once more. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| The waitress at the restaurant was completely impressed with me, let me tell you. I was covered in drool, blood, and piss and my hair was disheveled. Her name was Debbie. She motioned my mom to the side and asked if she was my handler. Mom looked at me and then back at Debbie. She nodded her head, and Debbie gave her a sympathetic look that said "I am so sorry. I have to deal with retards too, but I don't have to live with them." | ||||||||||||||||||||
| When Debbie looked at me again, I winked at her and started reaching for her breasts. I figured I would milk this as much as I could. If she thought I was autistic, I could get away with it. She ran into the kitchen with a terrified look. Nobody wants to have to hurt a special ed kid. Given the choice, most people will just avoid them, rather than have to be assertive. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Dinner went well, and when we returned to our hotel, I passed out from the excruciating pain of having eaten entirely too much fish and chips. It was a pain I knew only too well. I have a saying that many of my friends now know: "It is not a good day, unless I eat myself sick." I am going to hell for gluttony. I am so fat. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| When I woke, I was informed that we were going out whale watching. We drove to the bay where our charter boat was. I walked down the stairs. If you have ever tried traversing 100 or so steps with a 4 foot harpoon cleverly hidden in your pant leg, you know the difficulty I had. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| We got in the boat and headed out to sea. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| It was not long before we spotted the monsters, spraying water high into the heavens. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| After my first throw I realized that I was supposed to tie a rope to the end of my harpoon. I watched my hopes for a fortune in lamp oil arc over the water and slip into the green abyss, with barely a splash to mark its passing. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Dismayed, I began throwing articles from the boat at the whales. I stopped when I ran out of my own clothing. I was cold. The Oregon coast is always cold. Shrinkage was a problem. I spent the remainder of the expedition in the bathroom below deck. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| When I woke the next morning, I found that I was running at less than 100%. My immune system must have been given a rollercoaster ride out on the swells of the Pacific. Either that or I had been poisoned. I felt close to death. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| My grandma had absolutely no sympathy for my frail body. She made me play on the beach and go out to dinner with relatives. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| I couldn't really see anything. My vision was a blur, I was drooling, and my head felt like it was full of helium. The pictures that were taken must have been great. I bet I looked like Satan with tuberculosis and leprosy. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| On the way back home, the car was escorted by an assortment of multicolored manta rays, flying through the air. Some of them tried to eat the car, but the dinosaurs put an end to them. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| At one point there was this girl sitting next to me. She said she was my sister and I believed her. After that I don't remember anything. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| I pulled into my driveway and ate a corndog. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| The End. | ||||||||||||||||||||
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