 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| PROLOGUE | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Once, after a night of passion (and a less-than-well-cooked Prawn Bhuna), I shat the bed. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It wouldn't have been so bad, but it was our first date. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I'd been holding it in for half an hour, not wanting to break that particular ice-sheet so soon. And I didn't want to disturb her sleep by trying to roll her off me. But I couldn't wait any longer | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Like a prat, I thought, We get along so well. I'll be alright to trump, now. She's seen me naked, and she hasn't kicked me out: that's the difficult part over with. I'll just let rip. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| So I did. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Oho, I thought, my Inner Adolescent coming to the fore, a Wet'un. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Julie (the girl I had spent the night with), groaned weakly, and tried to wrap her leg around mine. An odd feeling of damp warmth spread under my thigh as I moved it to accommodate her. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| At the back of my head, alarm bells started to ring. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Julie's eyes snapped open. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Jesus!" she screamed, as she pulled the sheet back. "What the Fuck is that?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Unnerved by her sudden alertness, I sat up in the bed, and shuffled back towards the headboard. I looked down towards my legs. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Julie covered her mouth and moaned in revulsion at the greenish-brown, and now thoroughly smeared, shit stain that lay between my thighs. Out of sheer desperation, I scrambled out of the bed. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| This only made things worse. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Julie, by now halfway to puking, yelled at me to get into the bathroom and clean myself off, or at the very least, finish my shit. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I staggered backwards from the bed, not wanting her to see any more of this than she had to. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I hadn't seen the pile of clothes I had left at the bottom of the bed. I tripped over my own shoes, and fell backwards. Luckily, the room was only small, and I stopped myself from landing on my backside by pushing hard into the wall. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| With my arse. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I left a smear on the bedroom wall a foot long. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| By now, Julie was frantically pulling sheets off the bed. The expression on her face said it all: she thought that she had brought a nutter to bed with her; some creepy faecophiliac who liked to lie in a completely different sort of wet patch. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| She caught sight of me and my dirty protest, and screamed again. I couldn't make out what she was saying, but I was pretty sure she wasn't going to want to come bowling that night. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It was at this point that her flatmate started banging on the door. I'd met her in passing the night before, as she came in and out of the kitchen to get a drink. Her name was...Mary? Mindy? Marie? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Mairead? Mairead, come in and give me a hand with this!" Julie yelled to the door. "The dirty bastard's fouled the bed!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| As if my embarrassment wasn't quite complete, Mairead burst through the door. And tripped over my feet. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| She fell forwards, grabbing wildly for something to break her fall. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Naturally, she caught hold of the bed sheet, which Julie had just finished tearing from the bed. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Bowling Julie over, Mairead pulled hard on the sheet, and fell face-first into my diahorrea. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Julie got to her feet, and helped Mairead up. Her face covered in filth, Mairead ran shrieking from the room. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Julie stared at me with cold, narrow eyes. An uncomfortable moment of silence passed between us. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The only thing I could have done to make things worse was laugh. Unfortunately, it seemed my mouth was as incontinent as my arsehole. I started to giggle, then chuckle, then hoot. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| By the time I stopped laughing and started breathing again, I found myself lying on the steps outside the flat, with my clothes beside me, a bin bag containing the offending sheet under my arm, and an elderly Polish lady with a small dog tutting at me under her breath. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I never got another date out of Julie. The last I heard, she had moved to High Wycombe with a school teacher named Clive. But I did see Mairead again. In fact, I married her. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I always supposed her reasoning was, "once you've washed your face in someone's shite, things can't get any worse." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The marriage didn't last: another school teacher. Rest assured, if I ever have kids, I'm making sure to keep their mother away from the Parent-Teacher meetings. However, as I look back on my life so far, I can see that it was that one moment, above all others, which led to where I am right now: perched on the edge of the roof of the Manchester University Maths Tower, with a gun to my head. I wish I'd never responded to that stupid ad... |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ******* | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Moir peered over the edge of the roof, and pondered his next move... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| TO BE CONTINUED... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| MOIR (C) Matthew P. Craig, 2002 Story and characters (C) M.P. Craig, 2002 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Back to WaterCooler Comix Index | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||