Hello. I'm a picture of Dickie Davies.

We're here on this windswept Tuesday morning to announce the winner of the Mattscrew's Written Words 2001 Nominate-A-Footballer Competition.
The Judges had a difficult time choosing from amongst the three entries they recieved.

However, after much deliberation, the player who has been picked to join the PlayStation Morrocan Squad in the game "ISS Pro Evolution 2" is...
BRUCE LEE nominated by John Woodward!
Master of the Art of Football Without Fighting, Bruce was rejected by Wombledon, Leads, Milwaal and Shellcea, before being signed by the fictional Morocco national side. Player-manager Matt CRAIG had this to say:
"Well, he's not bad for a dead fella. Quick down the wing, agile in the box. We'll be trying him out in the squad for the next game against the European All-Stars, where we're hoping he'll honour me, his family and the Shaolin Temple."

We caught up with Bruce as he joined the team for his first day's training. A soft-spoken man, he had little to say. But what he did tell us speaks volumes about the man and the footballer.
On the subject of Penalties:

"Don't think; feel. It's like a finger pointing away to the moon.
Don't concentrate on the finger, or you will miss all the heavenly
glory."
On the subject of Football without Fighting, and his good conduct record:

"A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough."


On the subject of fan's hopes for his Moroccan career:

"I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine."


On the subject of his rocketing set pieces:

"Take things as they are. Punch when you have to punch. Kick when you have to kick."


On the subject of Team Spirit, and passing the ball:

"Do not run away; let go. Do not seek, for it will come when least expected."


The team are impressed, and the manager seems as pleased as punch with the new signing. It now only remains to be seen how this celebrity footballer copes with the pressure of being in such a top-flight club.
Hello. I'm a picture of Bob Mortimer.
Yes.
Well, thanks for joining us. Come back later in the year for the Christmas competiton,
Nominate-A-Reindeer!

Later in the programme, we'll bring you football from Uttoxeter, All-In Wrestling from Leeds, and the Crab Fair, where Handsome Joe Turps-Nudger is favourite to win in the Gurning Competition.

We'll be back after the break!
Christ...where did my life go wrong...*sob*
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