I'm Koo Koo for Cocoa-Puffs

Got a little something here, think some of you might laugh at it, others will probably get pissed at me.....eh. Unable to withstand the bandwagon conformicism of the internet any longer, I am now going to drop the fascade of wittily devised articles or columns, and at least in this segment will resort to that most common of written expression, the rant. Specifically, I'll be ranting (yeah, that's a verb, you like that?) about the overall stupidity of the commercials I see. I am sure you don't get how this can have any relevance at all to my regularly scheduled scribblings, and are saying to yourselves, "Hey Matt, this ain't funny! Write some more stuff about waterguns, than make a gay joke." Sorry, although I watch relatively little television, when I do I find myself buried under horrible and frightening commercials. I just want some way to complain about it. Unfortunately, there will probably be more added to this later, so keep an eye out.

To the Matt Cave!

Back to Media

Note: While reading the above statement, you might have noticed, as did I while proofreading, that it comes across as much more wordy and sophisticated than much of my material. Rest at ease, I have not suddenly decided to buckle down and pay heed to my "studies" and "classes" that I take at the "University." No, I believe there is a much simpler explanation. It recently came to my attention that I'm not what one would call a paramount of health and fitness, and so, in a trendy self-conscious move, I made the change from regular Dr. Pepper to Diet Dr. Pepper. I am confident that this is to blame for my alteration into a more Stuck-Up-British-Anthropoligist sounding person, because, as everyone knows, diet drinks not only instanly transform you into a supermodel, they also qualify you for no less than two Nobel Prizes. Have no fear, though, I should soon be back to my old self, as soon as I realize that this crap tastes like rancid gutter water.

As a repressed college student and self-proclaimed flaming heterosexual, I'll be the first to admit that I applaud the media's recent trend towards a "Sex Sells" line of thinking. I have no bone to pick against the guys (and I'm positive that men are responsible for this, most likely fat, greasy, balding men named "Harvey" or "Stan") who hire such stunning teen idols as Mandy Moore or Jennifer Love Hewitt to hawk their beauty products (although, to be honest, we all know that they don't use any of these, because they're rich enough that each day they probably just buy a skin transplant from blemish-free Europeans. Those bloody Redcoats, they'll sell anything.) or the ones that most likely send out "talent" scouts to national cheerleading competitions so as to have cheap yet still gorgeous girls in their ads. But it has gone too far, I tell you.
Case and point. I'm sitting back, chilling, it's about 1 in the morning, I'm eating a bowl of Life cereal and watching music videos in the hall rec room. Commercials come up, and here is this 19-ish looking chick wearing a halter top and a bandanna, telling some anecdote. As always, I'm willing to listen to what hot girls say, so she has my full attention. She's talking, the story goes something like this, "So, last week I was visiting my sister at college. We were hanging out and..." and of course they show her and her sister, and then they cut to some trendy scenes of them cavorting about campus, having fun. It get's to a shot of her, her sister, and a bunch of her sister's equally hot friends, when I realize what they're selling. "..And my sister said to me, 'What, you still use pads?'" WHAT??!!! A TAMPAX AD?! NOOO!!! NOOO!!!! THAT'S WRONG!!
There are somethings in this world that SEX DOES NOT SELL! Feminine hygiene products are one of those things, my friend. Seriously, what's their target audience here? They planning on catching my attention with a bunch of hotties, then expect me to go out and impulse buy some TAMPONS?! I don't think so! The only other group they could possible be going for is menstruating lesbians. Is that what their trying to tell me? Is Tampax now the brand of choice for Melissa Etheridge (by the way, Mel, if you're reading this, I loved "Come on Over," it was killer, keep up the good work) ? Honestly, I don't know what their idea was, but will this be where it stops? Or can I expect to see Ex-Lax commercials by Kirsten Dunst, or ads with Dream wearing Huggies? .....Okay, on second thought, scratch that. The day I see that ad on TV will be the day I stock up on extra-absorbant underpants for the rest of my life.

Disclaimer: It is advisable for all readers to keep in mind the fact that Matt has zero mental stability, and since his alternate personalities do all of his writing, he is not to be held responsible for any of the opinions voiced above. Peace out, yo.

This is why there's a "Lifetime" Channel!