I Said:
Friday February 18th, 2000 at 12:13 AM (Pacific Standard Time)
I've been sitting here wracking my brain, trying to think of how to say this, deciding if this is the right place to say this, deciding if it's even true. I've come to the decision that this is indeed the right place to say it. Not because I want sympathy, or friendship, but because I know others have delt with something like this themselves, so some of you know what this is like (It's a really shitty, yet good/relieving feeling for those who don't know.. odd..)
I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now.. and I think that it's time I accepted it. What I'm trying to say (and probably not very well) is that I'm gay, or bisexual to be more precise. (Yikes.. seeing those words in writing [typing] really make that final).
It's strange.. on one hand I see this as a good thing. I know myself, know who I am, what I want, what I like and dislike, but on the other hand, I really hate this. I don't want to be like this. It makes things so much more complicated. I mean, what if I find a guy that I really love and want to spend the rest of my life with him? Everything that I know that is normal, everything that most people have and want to have is impossible. I can't have a family, I can only have a partner. That's not what I want for myself, but at the same time it is. Love is love right? What does it matter if it's a guy or a girl as long as I'm happy.. but can I actually be happy and not have what others have? I'm not talking about material things like cars and videogames and big screen TV's, but important things, like kids, and grandkids. I could adopt, or I could find a nice lesbian to have my baby.. but it's not the same. That's not how I want it though, and I want what I may not be able to have. It's a really shitty feeling knowing that with those few words my life is going to be completely different than it would be had I not said them and had they not been true.
I'm sorry for rambling.. but I suppose I had to get that off my chest. If you've read this far, I thank you.
People's Responces:
You'll find that love is love no matter the sex of the two involved. And relationships are the same no matter the sex of the two involved. Yes, you will have to endure some bigotry, but so do many others. As for having a family some family you are born with the rest you make as life goes on. If you have a spouse and children you love them regardless of their sex,color,etc. What I'm trying to say is that love is love, the trappings do not matter. Just remember this is your life, no one else's, you live it and enjoy it to the fullest.
Reading one of the lines in your post really hit home with me.
"...but can I actually be happy and not have what others have?"
I always thought I couldn't have what I wanted... a partner I love, children of my own, a family that accepted, friends who supported me, etc. Before I came out to my family, I mentioned to my father that I wanted what my sisters had (all married with childern, big houses, the works). My father, bless him, said well, I make enough money, I could just buy it all... I could afford it. I laughed then and still chuckle now. He really missed my point... I wanted what money couldn't buy... happiness.
A couple years later I joined a softball team in my city. And I met a most incredible group of woman, both lesbian and straight, who showed me through their own lives and their actions that I could have whatever I wanted. There were children of all ages, parents, aunts, uncles, friends, boyfriends and girlfriend, husbands and partners, at our games, practices, and picnics. They made me feel welcome, and my family as well (when I finally did tell them). They have welcomed my partner, and later our children.
Now we're all too old to play and we watch another generation field those grounders. But every week we come and cheer, and hopefully show this next generation that they can have and be whatever it is they would like. And with the day to day challenages, and how tedious and boring it really can be, we're happy.
I and my partner do have those things we thought we'd have to give up for the choices we made in loving each other. It's not always been easy, but nothing in life ever is.
Ummm, hard place to be. And I can totally relate cause that's how I initially felt way back when I came to terms with my orientation. Hopefully, you will be able to reconcile some of those conflicting feelings and desires you have. At least, accepting all aspects of yourself is a very big step in a direction that will be right for you. I'd have to agree with you, love is love...gay, straight, whatever...the point is to treat each other with compassion and love.
You have a brave soul my friend! Please do not worry too much about the futur, but take time to "see" and "feel" who you are in the present. What you are experiencing may be the beginning of a new and very fulfilling life for you. Be truthfull with yourself and do not let the negative vibes of the "outside" world "Rain on your parade" *Grin*. Weigh all of your feelings and fears and do what makes you feel comfortable and HAPPY!!!