Masumi Marine's JAG Fanfiction | Strange Relationship

Part Two | Strange Relationship

JAG~*~*~*~*JAG~*~*~*~*JAG~*~*~*~*JAG~*~*~*~*JAG~*~*~*~*JAG~*~*~*~*JAG

Do you love me?
Or am I just another trip
In this strange relationship
You push and pull me
'Till I'm about to loose my mind
Is this just a waste of time

The room was basked in semi-darkness. The only source of lighting came from the four scented candles, one surrounding each corner of the bathtub. Sarah MacKenzie lay relaxed in an almost trance-like state of mind. She was in the midst of a rare moment of self contemplation. Introspection into her personal life was a torturous journey down memory lane that allowed her the irony of hindsight. It gave her the chance to replay the mistakes she'd made over again and again and yet left her stuck within the different moments in time, unable to alter a single thing. Mac realised she had a tendency to go down the road least travelled. Along with this revelation came the fact that the road least taken was neither always the better choice nor worse. There were no distinct success formulas. Life was indeed like a box of chocolates, yet her box tended to be more bitter than sweet.

Mac heaved a heavy sigh and sank down even further beneath the bubbles. She'd left work early for once in preparation for tonight. The SecNav himself had personally requested for her assistance with the State's latest case. More like the latest top secret escapade with a certain Agent Webb, she thought wryly. Nothing ever remains dull or straightforward when even the slightest mention of Webb is involved.

Her mind drifted back through time and inevitably took her back to thoughts of Harm. Always Harm. '…As long as it takes.' How much longer did she have to wait? She was now at that central age, smack bang in the middle between her 30s and 40s. It was a time which her heart felt fit for some melancholic nostalgia. Furthermore, her mind felt it was of paramount importance to bombard itself with countless incessant questions about her future.

Keep acting like you own me
I keep running, watch me walking out that door
I hear you behind me

Leaving with Dalton had been one of the many in the long line of mistakes Mac had made. But at the time, she'd foolishly believed Lowell, Hanson, and Lowne was a step in the right direction both professionally and personally. Once again Mac pushed away the suspicious thoughts which suggested that she'd just been settling for second best. Ironic, as history would repeat itself.

Mac thanked her lucky stars that the Admiral had allowed her to go back to JAG. Although, it had been no stroll in the park to gain back his trust. Leaving had caused a major upheaval in her life. A life that had for the first time, been in the process of stabilizing. Before starting at JAG she'd had no direction or purpose in life. Essentially, she had been just another lost soul trying to escape her past. Never before had she felt a sense of belonging emotionally or physically. Or perhaps all credit could go to the various people she'd met, made friends with and eventually become her surrogate family. The Admiral, Bud, Harriet and Harm…

Gimme that strange relationship
Never felt pleasure and pain like this
Something so right but feels so terribly wrong
I keep holding on

…Harm, just thinking about the arrogant Flyboy brought about so many emotions. From the whole spectrum of extreme happiness to sorrow, and everything in between. The year after her return had been the calm before the storm. Sure, there had still been quite a few tough bumps on the road but nothing had compared to the impact of Harm's sudden announcement.

Gimme that strange relationship
One of us gotta let go of this
I keep pushing and you keep holding on
I'm already gone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harm: "I submitted my request to Admiral Chegwidden today to return to active flight status."
Mac: "You can't do that."
Harm: "Why not?"
Mac: "Because it would mean that flying is more important to you than JAG, it's more important to you than Jordan, it's more important to you...than everything."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The prospect of Harm leaving her had brought her so close to blurting out the truth. The truth about the depth of her feelings for him even then. But she'd held back. The fear of losing his friendship more compelling than any wistful dreams she had, even as powerful as the dreams were.

Do you love me?
We break up and back together
And I swear to myself never
But oh how you do me
You strip me of my honour
And I don't ever think I'm gonna
Break free of these mind games
All I'm tryin' to do is modify my plan
Cause I can't contain you

Were? Shouldn't I be saying are? Mac wondered cynically. Her dreams are undeniably still filled with pictures of a tall man and a little boy, both gorgeous with dark brown hair and aqua-marine eyes. But will they forever remain fantasies or do dreams really come true? She didn't know what to believe in any more. She'd crashed and burned one time too many. Incongruously, her worst experience had taken place in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, Sydney, Australia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harm: "We were cruising on the Titanic that night huh?"
Mac: "And you steered us away from the iceberg. Why'd you back away?" she asked in a hushed whisper, wanting to know desperately but dreading the answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He sure had diverted them away from the iceberg, but her heart had still sunk with the same weight as the ship and at an even faster speed, Mac thought with a touch of bitterness.

Gimme that strange relationship
One of us gotta let go of this
I keep pushing and you keep holding on
I'm already gone

Well, since Harm still couldn't let go, she had tried. For her own sakes, she'd tried to let Harm go and move on. But Mac knew now in hindsight, that the word 'desperation' had played a large part in her decision to accept Mic's ring. Hoping against hope that Harm would finally see how much she wanted no, needed to move onto the next phase of her life. To have a family to love and share the rest of her life with.

Mic Brumby had been so perfect but so wrong. The problem was, his unconditional love made her see her own selfishness. How could she have asked Mic to commit to her, when she'd known deep down inside she wouldn't be giving herself back wholeheartedly. So the Marine in her steeled her heart and she'd set herself an ultimatum. To give herself and Harm one last chance, she'd worn the ring first on the right hand as 'a friendship ring'. However, the months flew by and Harmon Rabb still had made no move to start a future which they would share together. Until the night of her engagement party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harm: "Why'd you have to go to him so fast?"
Mac: "So fast?" She replied incredulously. "I've waited. And I've given it a lot of thought, probably more than I should have."
Harm: "I know…only we had a deal. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mac had reasoned if 6 years in a standstill relationship and months wearing another man's friendship/engagement ring had been his perception of 'fast,' then she couldn't wait any longer. And so she'd made the decision to move the ring to her left hand and became finally officially engaged to Michael James Brumby. She had truly believed that in time she would have learned to love Mic.

Gimme that strange relationship
Never felt pleasure and pain like this
Something so right but feels so terribly wrong
I keep holding on

Then of course as was archetypal of her life, nothing ever turned out the way she'd planned. Everyone's world had suddenly became a chaotic, surreal horror movie with the crash of Harm's F-14. Consequently, Mic had probably seen beyond her 'best-friend' friendship with Harm and left, returning to Australia. Mac had made a futile attempt to bring him back, but it had been more out of frantic guilt than love. Then of course, she'd turned to Harm.

And like a fool she'd run back to him again, and again been rejected. The painful memory of Renee in the arms of Harm that night, would remain etched in her mind for a long time to come. Ouch, that had hurt. More than she cared to admit, even to herself. She winced, cursing herself at her own vulnerability.

Mac consulted her internal clock, another 36 minutes and 47 seconds before Webb arrives. Better not dwell on any more thoughts of Harm or she'd be as infamously late as he is. Her lips curled up into a small smile. Just the reminder of Harm and the troubles he'd digged himself into with his tardiness lifted Mac out of her despondent mood.

You keep acting like
you own me
Like you control me
You said you never really wanted me back
Well maybe that's a fact
May I suggest a brand new plan of attack
And in defence of that
You're hard to crack
You're way off track
I want you back
I want you gone
Maybe I'm sick of holding on

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Mac regarded the man standing across from her, whom was talking in hushed tones with another man. Both were dressed in similar three-piece suits. Clayton Webb was…an entity unto his own. In some ways he actually shared a few parallel traits to Harm, Mac mused thoughtfully to herself. She snickered, yea most prominently the word 'arrogance' comes to mind. However, despite her first sceptical impression of him, she'd gradually seen past his condescending façade of indifference. Just like herself and Harm, Webb shielded his true self away from the world. It was a crucial necessity for protection and self preservation. Deep down though, Mac knew the Tin-man did have a hidden heart. He was also a man of few words. Hell, the guy's vocabulary probably consisted solely of two phrases: 'on a need to know basis' and of course typical of a spy, 'it's classified'.

Mac realised paradoxically she actually trusted the Spook with her life. In their line of work, a type of trust to a certain level was essential for survival. She'd felt the bond strengthening over the years of working together on cases. Cases he had roped her and Harm into, was the more accurate description. But Webb had never failed them before. Then the incident recently in Afghanistan whilst on a mission with him and Gunny had completed that bond.

Mac had never told Harm about her little...fall out. After being held hostage with a knife to her throat by a terrorist, even her strong Marine façade had to take a break. Webb had just held her quietly comforting for the few short minutes she'd allowed herself to shed some silent tears. Afterwards, she'd given him an appreciative but self-conscious hug and he'd not mentioned the incident since.

"Mac, no eligible bachelors to dance with?" Webb quipped with a straight face. He walked to her side and handed her a new glass of non-alcoholic sparkling wine.

"Nope, there just hasn't been a single, sexy enough eligible bachelor," she retorted.

"Well now we can't have my good tastes go to waste on the second perfect dress I picked out for you, can we?"

To Mac's astonishment, Webb pulled her close and twirled her around the dance floor for a few quick spins. Before she could recover, he bowed and grinned. She saw his eyes twinkle mischievously. It was over so quickly and so uncharacteristic of Webb that Mac was momentarily at a loss for words. He then linked their arms together and escorted her out towards the terrace balcony. She cast him a glance an eyebrow raised high in question. He made no comment, perched on the balcony and gave her an intense stare which she could not intrepret.

"Did…" he started to say, and then she barely caught the whisper of "trust me" inches from her lips before his mouth descended on her own. Too shocked at first she didn't respond. Then the months spent in the nunnery took it's toll and her body reflexes kicked in on it's on accord. She responded with fervour that she would later feel embarrassed about for a long time to come. To say Webb was surprised when he felt Mac's hand entangle itself in his hair was an understatement. He instinctively encircled his arm around her waist and drew her close within his embrace. Then for the first time in his life, Clayton Webb's brain lost all function as he felt Mac's lips part.

Endless seconds later, Webb felt the effects of his brain running out of the necessary oxygen to function. Reality flooded his brain and he broke off breathlessly. For a moment both stood frozen in place, gazing into each others eyes in a daze.

"Come on" he whispered next to her ear, snapping back into full CIA agent mode and tugged urgently at her hands. "We've got to go. Someone's tipped them off. They're on the next flight out."

Do you love me?
Or am I just another trip
In this strange relationship

SWiSH Movie - Movie3.swi - www.swishzone.com

Mac sat with her eyes closed and head leaned back in the plush seat. Webb sat on the far side, no doubt lost in his own thoughts. Neither said a word, both giving the other time to gather their confused wits about them. There would be plenty of time for talk later on the plane.

What had just transpired? Mac wondered in confusion. She'd suspected being a Special Assistant to the Undersecretary of the State required Webb to be a smooth talker, but damn, his tongue was most definitely talented in other areas as well. She would've sworn she'd seen the stoic spy blush after their…kiss. Thinking back, she felt her own cheeks redden. God Marine, you practically threw yourself at him. What the hell were you doing? This is Webb for christs sake.

'I want a life that is simple, and good, a great career a good man and shoes, lots and lots of comfortable shoes.'

That was all she'd ever wanted out of life. Her career at JAG was sailing along smoothly now and she knew there were even possibilities of charting into even better territory. She certainly had plenty of shoes if the size of her shoe closet was anything to go by. But the good man always remained elusive. She sighed, it felt like her life had just completed another phase of it's cycle and once again here she was arriving back at the crossroads.

'Every time I think I've put the pieces of my life back together somebody comes along and jumbles it back up.'

Her own words to Harm years earlier came unwittingly back to her. She sighed. Damnit, why couldn't her life just be simple for once. Instead it was like a whirlwind, sweeping her along all over the place at once. They hadn't even had time to stop off at her apartment to pack a bag. Although she was sure the CIA or SecNav's budget would survive providing her basic needs. She hadn't even updated her CO about the latest turnaround yet. The Admirals going to be furious, she thought and groaned audibly.

With a start Mac realised the limo had rolled to a stop. Glancing over at Webb, she saw him watching her and she quickly looked away. Mac felt her heart flutter for a second at an irregular beat. Oh god, what was happening to her? Webb?! Suck it up Marine. She took a deep inconspicuous breath and opened the door. This is going to be another one hell of a case so leave your warped emotions alone and concentrate.

Gimme that strange relationship
One of us gotta let go of this
I keep pushing and you keep holding on
I'm already gone

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