Mastercrafted Dating Advice 

 Hey, you! 

 Yeah, you at the keyboard! 

 Are you tired of being a kissless virgin? Are you tired of constantly being looked past because you're not: 

* Tall * 

* Handsome * 

* Athletic * 

* Funny * 

* Remotely interesting * 

* Your defining trait is your unicycle * 

* You don't moderate the most active Geocities page in 2018 * 

 Well, you've come to the right place! 

 Because it just so happens that in all aspects except physical I am not a virgin, and I can definitely pass some of my teachings to you. 

 So, come in close, young grasshopper, for there is much to learn with only so little time. 

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 Handholding 

 Handholding is an art, but it's understandable that it's an artform that has fallen to an absolute low these days. 

 A lot of people come to me for advice about this, usually in the vain of: 

 "Hey Mr. Admin, you run the most active Geocities page in 2018, so you must know a lot about handholding- 

 (which i do) 

 -could you please give me advice so I can be as proficiant as you at handholding?" 

 (which i can) 

 So here's what you need to know about this topic: 

 Technique 

 -------------------------------- 

 Think of it like a Gable Grip but with your significant other's hand, 

 and if you don't know what a Gable Grip is, give up because you're gonna hold anyone's hand ever. 

 -------------------------------- 

 To establish some sexy dominance on your partner, here's a little psychological warfare you can install on them:

 Make sure throughout the entirety of your handhold that the palm of your hand is closer inward than their hand. 

 To do this right, there must be no space between your hands, it must all be filled with your hand. 

 Done correctly and you have successfully emotionally compromised another being into submission, so congrats.

 -------------------------------- 

In potential case of danger, have your thumb always on standby to wiggle into your grip so that you

 can rub the palm of your one true love's hand in a confident yet unpredictable way. This is called the 

 "Riding of the Bulls" 

 and it's common in Spain. 

 I think. 

 Not important, anyways the key with this one is to ensure your grip is tight, so they can't get away. 

 A good technique that I use as my signature is basically the steering wheel method, where you make circles with your thumb, 

 almost like you're twiddling your thumb, I find this works the best, but I've met people in my travels who 

 also use other methods such as the "Zig Zag" or the "Wendigo". 

 -------------------------------- 

 Sensation 

 Oh no! There is a female near me wanting to grab my hand but my palm is sweaty, what shall I do? 

 Don't worry, I'm here to save the day. 

 -------------------------------- 

 To avoid a sweaty palm, simply just wipe it beforehand. 

 Now, I know what you're about to say: 

 "what?!? but won't that look suspicious?" 

 And it would, if you got caught. 

 But you won't, because you have me. See, the key here is the art of distraction. The media does it all the time, so 

 in political theory the same should apply here. Pick your poison. 

 "WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE" 

 (points in direction, wipes hand when they're not looking) 

 or 

 "LOOK OUT" 

 (subtly trips them to the ground, wipes hand on pant leg as you reach down to help them up) 

 And viola, your hand is dry and ready to enjoy the company of another!