By
WitterSBabe
Oh God…oh god, what
did I do? What have I done? I don't know what I am going to tell Ben, how could
I do this? That's the problem, what did I do? I don't even know, oh my God. I
love him so much, what if we had sex? I was so drunk, I must have blacked out.
Oh Ben! I am so sorry, oh god, how am I going to tell you this? What am I even
going to tell you?
I will go to the
doctor first and get tested. Oh, God! What if we did have sex? Where we safe?
What if he gave me something? What if I am pregnant? I can't handle this; it is
just too much. First Julie and now Ben…what am I going to say? Uh, sorry, Ben,
but I got drunk and I think I screwed a frat boy? But here's the funny thing! I
don't even remember! I was blacked out! Isn't that great?
I lay down on my bed,
pulling the covers around me, snuggling into my pillows, and I can smell Ben.
He is everywhere. God, I love the way he smells. The way he feels. The way he
loves me. What if I have ruined everything we have fought so hard to have?
The phone is ringing
and Molly is calling for me. I do not answer. Instead, I pull the covers over
my head and cower. I just want to curl up and die.
"Felicity!"
Molly's voice comes closer and she is pulling the covers off of me.
"Felicity, are you okay? Ben is on the phone." Her accent is sweet
and soothing. She strokes my hair away from my face. I close my eyes at her
touch, feeling the hot tears slipping down my cheeks.
I nod slowly, and then
pause, finally shaking my head "no". My shoulders shake as I let the
sobs take over my body. Molly stands and I see her walk towards the door. Her
voice is soft as she uncovers the phone. "Ben? Felicity is in the shower.
Can I have her call you back?" She waits for his answer. "Okay, then,
I will be sure to tell her you rang." She hangs up the phone and turns
back to me. My heart twists with guilt knowing she lied to Ben for me. She sits
back next to me on the bed.
"What did he
say?" My voice is shaky with emotion and the tears continue to course down
my face.
"He asked that you
ring him when you are done." She smiled softly and reached for my hand.
"Would you like to talk about it?"
I take a breath and
reach for a tissue. "I don't even know what to say. I don't know
wh-wh---" I break off into sobs and Molly pats my shoulder. She is so
kind.
"It's okay,"
she assured me. "Take your time."
"This is the worst feeling in the world," I
begin and pause. "No, the worse feeling in the world is going to be
hurting Ben." I feel so sick and weak.
"If it is any
consolation, this happened to a friend of mine back in England." She took
my hand gently. "Everything turned out to be all right, but it was
difficult for awhile."
I look up at her, my
vision blurry from the rain of tears. "Did she have a boyfriend?"
Molly nodded and
offered a smile.
"Did he
understand?" I ask this part hesitantly, almost scared to hear the answer.
"I won't lie to
you, he was hurt and angry. But, I don't think he loved her half as much as Ben
loves you. I think it will all work out. The most important thing at this point
is to make sure that you are all right and to be honest with Ben. You don't
want him to find out from someone else." Molly hands me another tissue and
I use it to mop up my mascara.
"I know, you are
right, and I wouldn't dream of keeping it from him. I am just so scared of
losing him." I sit up slowly, my head aches from all the emotions I have
went through in such a short period of time. "I mean, how do I tell
him?"
She nods and stands
up, handing me the phone. "Call him when you are ready, okay?" She
smiles and leaves me alone in our room.
It is so quiet, except
for the rain falling outside the window. I climb off the bed and flick on my cd
player. The sounds of Sarah McLachlan fill my room and somehow soothe me. I
wrap myself in the quilt my grandmother made me when I was a child and lay down
on my bed, preparing myself to call him back.
My eyes are so heavy
and my body feels week. I don't know how much I drank last night but I do know
that very little of how I feel has to do with the alcohol. I allow my eyes to
close and before I realize it I have drifted into a fitful sleep. I wake when I
feel a shift in my bed. I slowly open my eyes and it is now dark in my room so
I must have been sleeping for a while.
I look up as I focus
on Ben. His is sitting next to me, his blue eyes darkened with concern. His
hand reaches out to touch my face and I close my eyes at his touch. It is so
soothing. More soothing than I ever realized. His hand runs through my curls
and I sigh softly.
"That feels
nice," I whisper, my voice hoarse from all the crying.
He stands up and kicks
off his shoes. I watch him as he pulls his sweater of his head. He has such a
nicely toned swimmer's body. I love his body. He slides out of his jeans, down
to his boxers. I watch him open one of my drawers and pull out a pair of his
flannel pants.
He walks around the
side of my bed and slides in behind me, pulling me into his warm embrace. I
feel so safe. So warm. So secure.
His breath is warm
against my neck as he begins to talk, "I know something is wrong," he
begins, taking my hand in his. "I don't know if it is this thing with
Julie, or if it is something more. I just want you to know…when you are ready
to talk, I am here."
I am so moved by his
words, Ben is so considerate. He has changed so much over the past year, and I
find myself loving him more and more each day.
I nod slowly and
snuggle into his body. "I love you, Ben."
He kisses my neck as I
close my eyes. "I love you, too."
We lay there in silence until I drift back to
sleep in the comfort of his embrace.