THERE’S A LITTLE BLACK
SPOT ON THE SUN TODAY
THERE’S A FLAG POLE RAG
AND THE WIND WONT STOP
Pacey ordered a small
coffee, black. He paid the cashier then slipped into a seat at a table near the
window. He looked outside at the gray Seattle sky. It mirrored the look in his
eyes perfectly. It mirrored his soul.
A stranger would’ve
looked into his clear gray eyes and thought him just the average twenty-three
year old, but someone close would look and know that this wasn’t him; something
in those gray eyes had changed. He wasn’t the same Pacey Witter anymore.
If someone would
listen, his body language told his story like an open book.
His stature was wilted
and tired; slouched...not at all the proud, swaggering, and confident man
nature had intended him. He was withdrawn, vulnerable, and he sometimes had a
slight tremor in his limbs; proof he was out of strength, and he was still
fragile after his war with the past.
He’d almost lost.
At the last moment,
something saved Pacey, and he was able to recover, though recovery was an
everyday process for this young man, and it would be an everyday battle until
the day he died. Sometimes Pacey didn’t know how he had the strength to survive
at all. He saw his reflection in the glass, and looked away. He didn’t like to
look at himself.
All he ever saw was
someone sick… someone weak, someone unable to handle even the simplest things.
He felt pathetic, and so he looked away. He hated his reflection because it
reminded him he should hate himself.
The reflection wasn’t
bad, just the memories that went with it.
Pacey was still the
same guy in flesh, but the reflection was only of someone he had once been.
That’s not what Joey
was expecting when she bound down the sidewalk, a smile on her face, and high
hopes for this newfound opportunity to amend her past and possibly sway her
future.
Joey, at twenty-two,
was in Seattle for a job opportunity with a magazine.
Joey had graduated with
a Masters degree in Media Arts from The Art Institutes International at San
Francisco. She’d been accepted as a scholar at all the best schools: Princeton,
Stanford, even Harvard. But she’d turned them down to follow her passion.
Art was her passion.
Oh, Dawson had
persuaded her to go with him to any one of the Ivy League schools, both had
been accepted to all; but she ultimately said no, to his disappointment. So he
went on without her, and he was happy. And she was glad. She was happy, even as
their lives had taken them in very different directions, and though she hardly
ever talked with Spielberg Boy anymore, as it went, she never regretted a
thing.
Except for losing touch
with Pacey. She regretted that.
She was here. He’d be
inside waiting for her.
She took a deep breath
to settle to butterflies in her stomach, and yanked open the door.
There he was.
“Pacey.”
“Jo?”
The
Past:
It wasn’t anything
that she beat herself up over. He’d broken up with her. It hurt, but she’d
gotten over it. She knew the long distance relationship thing was hard for him,
so she didn’t fight it.
Pacey had moved to
Washington to go to school there. He begged her to go to the Art Institute of
Seattle, but she couldn’t. They didn’t offer the programs that San Francisco
had, and she wanted to take it all.
He seemed bitter at
the time, but he said he understood. So they went off to different schools in
different states, meeting on some weekends and holidays, trying to hold it
together. But as a few months went by, they were drained of time and energy,
and suddenly there seemed to be no effort in it.
Joey understood why
so she didn’t fight it. Maybe she should have, she thought.
They’d only been in
school for eight months. Merely eight months, and things had already become so
hard.
They had broken up,
of all things, over the telephone. And only a month after their last visit.
It had been bad.
Pacey was completely
emotional; screaming and crying, and begging her not to leave him. She tried to
explain that she wasn’t leaving him, just freeing him, for now. She tried to
make him understand how much she loved him, and that she was only suggesting
they cool the relationship until they were in a better place to pursue it, for
both their sakes. But he wouldn’t listen. It ended with Pacey calling her ugly
names, and screaming at the top of his lungs that he hated her and never wanted
to see her again. Then he hung up on her.
And that was it.
She was only 18, and
he barely 19, so Joey thought everything would be okay. She knew he’d only said
those things out of hurt and anger, so she didn’t hold it against him. In her
heart she knew they were too young to worry about a long distance romance. She
thought he just needed time to adjust. With time, he’d understand. Things would
eventually work out. They’d come together again, and things would work out.
Though they couldn’t
be together right then, Joey did want to stay his friend.
She tried to contact
him a few times, but he wouldn’t take her calls. She wrote him a few friendly
letters, but he never answered. She tried again, with deeper letters, letters
that he couldn’t ignore (if he were reading them), letters that she poured her
heart into, hoping she’d get at least a minimal response out of.
Still no answer.
Still, she tried, growing tired.
Then the letters
started coming back so she just stopped all together.
Two Christmas’ ago,
when she’d been home to Capeside, she stopped by his family’s house. Mr. Witter
answered the door, and when she’d asked for Pacey, he’d gotten all choked up.
He simply told her he wasn’t there, but he would let him know she stopped by,
Merry Christmas and thank you, and then the door was shut in her face.
Joey was startled
and disturbed by his behavior. She slowly turned to leave when the door opened
again. Doug came out and informed her that they hadn’t seen or heard from Pacey
since his twentieth birthday when he’d called from a pay phone to say hi to
their mom. He dropped out of school, and apparently off the face of the Earth.
Joey was baffled. Doug
apologized for their father’s behavior. She said she understood, and then she
had left. That was that. Everyone was baffled. Everyone was concerned.
Gale Leery saw Mr.
Witter occasionally, out and about in town. She always asked about Pacey. The
answer was always the same: they hadn’t heard from him.
Then a few months
ago Joey got a call from Jen.
Word on the home
front was that Pacey was in Seattle. Apparently Jen had run into Doug and Doug
mentioned that they found Pacey living there. Doug had even given her his
address. Apparently Pacey had no phone.
Jen knew about
Joey’s job offer there, and had called her to let her know where to find him.
Joey wanted to find him more than anything. So Joey sent Pacey a letter. After
two weeks, he’d actually responded, and they’d agreed to meet here…at this
coffee shop, at this exact time.
She had missed him
so much. She’d been dreaming of this moment for eons…hoping that at first
contact they might be able to spark that same feeling they’d had so many years
ago, before parting in such a bad scene.
She had decided that
if it was at all possible, she wanted to pick up where they’d left off. She
wanted to love him again, and she wanted him to love her.
“Jo…it’s good to see
you.” He said quietly.
She was smiling, but
her heart was sinking.
His eyes darted past
her, and over her, and around her, and at one point, seemingly through her.
These weren’t the eyes she remembered. They were his, but there was something
missing, stolen, and it afflicted her now too. He didn’t even get up to hug
her.
She sank into the chair
across from him, still wearing the artificial smile, and took a deep breath. It
was good to see him too, regardless of the feeling in her stomach.
“I’ve missed you.” She
said hopefully.
For a split second his
eyes rested on her and a smile appeared in the corners of his mouth. That gave
Joey some hope. She exhaled in relief and started to relax.
“Would you like
something?” He asked, starting to get up from the table.
“No! No, I’m fine.” She
briefly covered his hand with hers to stop him, and that touch was all that was
needed to make him sit and stay and open his mind to her again; to this woman
who he had nearly destroyed himself over.
Of course it hadn’t
been her fault at all. It was all him. He’d been able to learn that, to deal
with his own guilt, so he’d nearly destroyed himself on his own. Not because of
her.
“Pacey, where did you
go?” Joey asked finally, after they’d finally settled into a conversation.
Pacey had seemed to come alive in the past fifteen minutes, showing genuine
interest as he listened to her talk about her life. But Joey noticed how he
seemed to avoid questions about himself, and now as she asked this one
particular question, she could almost hear a door closing inside of him. He shrank
back in his seat, and his eyes began to dart about the room again.
“I’ve been here.” He
said simply, quietly.
“Here?” She asked
sweetly. “Doing what?”
He shrugged. “Nothing.”
“Pacey!” She laughed.
“You must’ve been doing something! Come on! All I’ve been doing is talking
about myself! I want to hear about you…about what you’ve been doing with
yourself. Come on! Fess up!”
“Well…” Pacey took a
long pause, staring down at the grain of the table for a while.
Joey didn’t dare say a
word, afraid that he might open his mouth to say something just as she
interrupted. She held her eyes on him, the question lingering in the air.
He rubbed his hands
together nervously before placing his palms down on the table. After another
long moment, Joey slipped her hands over his and squeezed them. She hid her
troubled expression as she suddenly realized how thin and cold they felt, not
at all like they’d used to be. She didn’t let go, and she didn’t release her
gaze. He was going to answer her if they had to sit here for days. She wanted
him to answer her.
She began to caress his
fingers…that seemed to do the trick.
“I work at a music
store.”
Joey smiled. Pacey
finally spoke. And he talked and talked and talked.
Not about school, or
his achievements, or anything grand. Just about the little things. Like what a
nice guy, Bob, his boss, was. Or the old woman that lived down the hall with
these two little yappy dogs that he offered to walk for her because she was too
old and couldn’t do it herself anymore. And about this preteen girl that comes
into his store once a week asking about old Greenday CD’s; how she tries to
flirt with him…and how he calls her ‘jailbait’.
Joey smiled at that.
Then he told her about
this plant that a neighbor left on their porch after they’d moved away, and how
it had been dying but he took it and repotted it and gave it water everyday and
now it was this beautiful green fern thing that just wont stop growing. He just
talked about the little things…He seemed so proud of the little things.
Joey felt proud for him
too.
And when he stopped
talking, she didn’t ask him about anything else.
Pacey offered to walk
Joey back to her motel, but she declined. The weather was getting bad, or so
she thought, and she didn’t want Pacey to have to walk back in it. But Pacey
didn’t look worried when the first drops started to fall. He just zipped up his
jacket and pulled on his hood. Joey withdrew an umbrella from her bag and
offered to share it with him as they waited for his bus. He declined.
“You don’t need that.”
He laughed. It was good to see him laugh again.
“Pacey, it’s raining!”
“Nah…This aint nothing,
just some sprinkles.” He looked up to the sky. “This is typical Seattle
weather, Potter…You sure you can hack it here?”
“I can if you can.”
They shared a smile. A moment later his bus pulled up.
“Thank you for seeing
me.” Joey said as they stood almost nose to nose. He didn’t say anything, but
smiling, glanced away. “I guess you have to go now?”
“Yeah…” He said, still
avoiding her gaze.
“Well, can we spend
some more time together? I’ll be here for another week before I have to fly
back to Frisco for my things…I’ll be busy apartment hunting, but maybe you
could help?”
She watched him
eagerly.
“Um…” She knew he
would say yes…He was still smiling. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Great! Tomorrow,
around noon? We can meet here.”
“Sure…”
Joey went to hug him
but he avoided her. Instead he held out his hand, and she shook it. He said
goodbye then boarded his bus, and he was gone.
Joey smiled despite
herself. She turned and headed back down the street towards her motel. It was
only a few blocks, but by the time she got there, her clothes were soaking wet.
She thought with the umbrella she’d be safe. She hadn’t accounted for the way
the water hit the ground and bounced back up.
“Ah, well,” She
thought. “Get used to it, Potter.”
~O~
I HAVE STOOD HERE
BEFORE INSIDE THE POURING RAIN
WITH THE WORLD TURNING
CIRCLES RUNNING ‘ROUND MY BRAIN
I GUESS I’M ALWAYS
HOPING THAT YOU’LL END THIS REIGN
BUT IT’S MY DESTINY TO
BE THE KING OF PAIN
The week ended and Joey
boarded her flight back to San Francisco. Pacey had helped her find this great
one bedroom in a refurbished three story Brownstone. It was perfect. It was
close enough to town so that she could walk or catch a bus anywhere she needed
to go; it was close to work. Joey was excited.
She’d only be in San
Francisco for five days, just enough time to finish packing and tie up some
loose ends before making the big move. Things were going to be a mess for a
while, she thought as she felt somewhat anxious at completely starting over,
correction: starting out, at a new job in a new city.
Atleast Pacey would be
there, she smiled to herself.
The week flew by. Soon
enough Joey was back on a plane, flying in the other direction up the coast
towards Seattle.
Home,
she thought as they prepared to land.
It was no surprise when
she got off the plane that it was raining, yet again. It had been
raining when she first arrived her last trip up, raining when she left, and
raining now, and probably tomorrow too. Joey didn’t mind. She grinned
ecstatically as she came down the escalators and saw Pacey there waiting for
her with his hands in his pockets, his hair slightly disarrayed in that little
boy look that he wore so well, and a smile on his lips.
“What are you doing
here!” She said coming up to him.
“Um…I found out what
flight you were coming in on and I thought I’d be here to welcome you home…”
“Aww!”
“So…welcome home.”
Joey shook her head in
disbelief at how sweet he could be. She reached forward. He recoiled slightly
(he always did that when she went to touch him), but when she took his chin in
her hands, he allowed her to kiss him lightly on the lips.
“Thank you.” She said
warmly.
He actually blushed.
His cheeks were red, and his skin grew hot. He was actually blushing!
“Pacey Witter! Are you
blushing!”
“Who, me???” He said
innocently. “No!”
“Are you sure? Cause
you look a little red!” She teased.
“No…” He said, smiling
as he shook his head. He leaned down and picked up her carry-on bag. “Not me.”
They spent the next
week together.
Pacey would come over
around two after his shift at the music store ended to help her unpack. But
they’d spend hours just goofing off. They’d eat a late lunch together, then
lunch would turn into dinner, then dinner would turn into nearly midnight, and
then Pacey would go.
“So what time do you
start work Monday?” He asked as they went to the door; him slipping on his
jacket and pulling on his hood. It had rained every day since they were back in
each other’s presence.
“I have to be there by
9:30.”
“Can I bring you a
surprise breakfast?” He asked, raising his brow.
“A surprise, huh?” She
asked peering up at him skeptically. “Hmn…yeah! That’d be nice! I like
surprises!”
“Okay,” He laughed.
“What do you say I surprise you around, oh, say…eight, with bagels, coffee and
fruit?”
“I think I’d like that
surprise!” She said giddily.
“Okay, eight then.” He
pulled open the door, and started out into the hallway.
“Pace, you working
tomorrow?” She asked. He stopped and turned back.
“Yeah…I usually work
until five on Sunday.”
“Will you have dinner
with me?”
“Sure, Potter.”
She stared up at him,
her hand on the door, not wanting to close it. He looked down at her, knowing
those eyes… He wanted to take a step back but his legs wouldn’t move.
“Maybe we could meet at
your job…then go to your place…” She took a step out into the hall towards him,
her gaze never wavering as it locked with his.
She still had never
been to his place. She mentioned it once, but he shrugged it off and changed
the subject…like he was avoiding it.
“Um…well…I dunno,” He
said. He finally found his feet and began walking backwards towards the
elevator.
“Pacey…”
“No, you know what,
Potter? I, um, forgot! I forgot I promised Bob I’d work an extra shift so I
wont be getting off until late…let’s just forget about tomorrow, huh?” He was
pushing the elevator button. Joey stood in her doorway staring after him. “How
‘bout we just get together Monday morning for that breakfast I offered.”
“The surprise?” She
confirmed in a small voice.
“Yeah.”
The elevator doors
opened and he stepped in.
“I’ll see you then!” He
called out. She couldn’t see him anymore, then the doors closed with a ding,
and he was gone. Joey bit her lip uncomfortably.
The next day at five,
Joey was standing outside of the Music Store where Pacey worked.
The sun was out, for
once, and Joey’s umbrella stay tucked away in her bag as she leaned against the
wall and stared out at the skyline. She was liking this city…
He almost didn’t see
her as he came out the door and headed in the other direction.
“Pacey!” She called
out.
He spun around,
baffled; his mouth agape when he realized it was her. He stammered to speak.
“Joey! I…”
“I thought you had to
work late?” She said innocently.
“I was just…I…I… What
are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see the
plant.” She said, squinting her eyes against the sun light behind him.
“Huh?”
“Your fern. I wanted to
see your fern…”
“Oh.”
He looked at her
nervously, and she stared back. She wouldn’t have admitted it, but her heart
dropped in his hesitation. “Jo, I don’t think…”
“Pacey. What’s wrong? Why don’t you want me to see your place?”
He was silent.
“Is it another girl?”
She asked honestly.
“No.” He said quickly. His
lip hung as if he were going to add something else, but he didn’t.
“Then what?” She
finally asked.
“I just didn’t want you
to see where I lived.”
“But why?”
Pacey had no answer. He
really didn’t. Joey caught on.
“Pacey…” She urged in a
whisper, taking his elbow lightly. “Come on…is it this way?” She gestured to
the direction he had started walking.
“Um, yeah.”
“Come on…” She
whispered. “Let’s go.”
He allowed her to turn
him around and lead him a few steps.
“Come on,” She said
again encouragingly. There was a pause before he reluctantly bowed his head and
started walking along side her.
Pacey lived on the
poorer side of town. Joey watched him as he unlocked the small security gate to
the building. He held it aside and let her enter first.
It was a dark corridor
illuminated by cheap yellow light fixtures that made everything look orange. He
looked at her again skeptically as they came to another gate. As he fiddled
with the lock, she smiled at him. Still stern faced, he turned the key, and
again held the gate for her.
It opened up to a
little courtyard area in the dead center of the building; full of plants and
vines and a couple of flower pots. Joey thought it must look rather quaint in
the daylight, but it was already growing dark; especially with the clouds
sweltering overhead and the buildings blocking out the sky.
The clouds had gathered
in a thick gray mass on their way over. She silently followed Pacey to some
steps that led not up but down.
He lived on the
basement floor, and she followed him to the end of the hallway. He looked at
her again, almost sadly this time, as he slipped his key into the last lock.
She stared back at him,
no longer smiling as the door fell open to a dark room. He walked in first and
flipped on the lights. He held the door aside allowing Joey passage and after
she’d entered, he closed the door again, and locked it, not only with the
regular lock, but with a dead bolt.
Joey looked around the
room.
“This is nice.” She
said enthusiastically. “It’s cozy.”
“Thanks.” He said quietly,
stripping off his coat. She started to do the same, and he, like the gentleman
he always was, helped her off with it. He hung their coats in a tiny closet
next to the front door, then looked around helplessly.
“Um, sit down.”
She headed over to the
futon sofa and made herself comfortable. “Can I get you something? A soda?”
“Yeah, that’d be good…”
“Diet?”
“Yes,” She smiled.
“I remember.” He said
as he disappeared around a little counter. She heard the refrigerator open and
its light bounced off the walls.
His place was small and
neat. Not a lot of personal touches, she noticed, but when he did have were
books. A whole shelf full of old books. Some of them she recognized from the
courses he’d taken while at Washington State; others were just books from old
bookstores or garage sales. The walls were mostly empty, except for one piece
of art. Joey immediately started up.
“Is that…?” She went
closer.
She didn’t need to ask,
it was hers.
Pacey appeared from the
kitchenette with two glasses of soda in his hands.
“Pacey!” She said, her
mouth open but a smile forming. “You still have this?”
“Of course,” He
mumbled.
She had painted it
after graduation, and she had given it to him.
It was her heart. Or,
atleast, metaphorically it was.
It was the creek from
the porch of the B&B. Joey’s eyes suddenly filled with tears. When Pacey
saw, his whole face twisted with concern and he set the glasses down on the
coffee table.
“What’s wrong, Jo?” He
asked in a scared little voice. “Did I do something?”
“No!” She laughed as she
wiped her eyes. “Of course not! You didn’t do anything…you’re perfect!”
He looked a little
bewildered. She took his hands and led him to the couch.
“Pacey! It just means
so much to me that after all this time, you kept it.”
“Of course I kept it.”
He said, nervously staring away from her. She smiled, but he couldn’t see it as
his eyes focused on his lap. Joey looked over at the glasses of soda. She
picked them up and handed one out to him.
“To us.” She said,
holding hers up in front of herself. He cautiously did the same. “May we always
be in each other’s lives as much as we’ve been in each other’s hearts…”
Pacey looked at her
dumbly. Her smile faded as she stared into his eyes.
There it was again…that
thing that seemed to steal away his spirit.
“Pacey?” She whispered,
dropping her glass back to the table.
He shook his head,
swallowing hard. Joey took it upon herself to reach out to him. He started to
pull away as she wrapped her arms around him, but then he just froze as if
paralyzed.
Was it fear? She didn’t
know. Why would he fear her?
Joey sighed as she
finally felt his body slump.
He felt so thin…and so
tense and hunched up. She didn’t let go, she wouldn’t. Not until he atleast
hugged her back.
Slowly he finally
melted into it.
He shook his head desperately
as Joey’s lips started towards his. She looked him in the eye, caressing his
face, and then leaned in, actually kissing him this time.
He was rigid at first,
as her warm lips felt their way over his, but gradually he started to kiss her
back. She pulled herself over his lap and started kissing him deeper and
deeper.
She lost herself in him
when suddenly glass shattered.
Joey looked over,
startled to see that Pacey had been holding his glass so tightly that it had
burst in his hand.
“Shit!” He winced.
Fresh warm blood seeped
to the surface of his skin and Joey sat up.
“Oh my god! You’re bleeding!”
“It’s okay!” He said
quickly, grabbing his wrist with his free hand to stop the flow.
She jumped up and went
to the kitchen, looking for something, anything, a clean rag, to clean him up
with. She found one in a drawer and wet it in the sink before coming back to
him and kneeling on the floor before him.
He just sat there
clutching his wrist, holding it straight up in the air parallel to his body as
the blood ran over his fingers and down his forearm beneath his sleeve. Joey
took his arm and pulled his hand to her as she inspected it. She wiped away at
the blood. It didn’t come back up so fast.
“Its just a surface
wound,” She said, wiping the rest of the blood away. “I think you’ll be fine…no
stitches…” She started up again, and pulled him to his feet. “Where’s the
bathroom?” She asked.
“Through there,” He
pointed.
She led him through the
door, through his bedroom, and into the small bathroom, flipping on the light.
She turned on the water in the sink and gently took his hand and held it
underneath.
“Ow!” He winced as the
water ran over the cuts, surprisingly stinging far worse than he’d expected.
She smiled up at him.
“Take a seat,” She
said, dropping the toilet lid. He followed her directions. She popped open the
medicine cabinet before he could protest, and not even paying to the
medications inside, pulled out some peroxide and gauze. “Now…compared to the
water, this is really going to sting,”
She took his hand,
holding it over the sink, and after peeling back his sleeve a bit, poured the
peroxide over it. He jerked away hard as it bubbled into the wounds.
“Jeez,” She teased at
his expression. “When did you get such a low tolerance for pain?”
He didn’t answer, but
instead just sat there, biting his bottom lip as he stared at the cuts.
After a second, she
dabbed it with some toilet paper and wrapped it in the gauze. She let him take
his hand back, which he held protectively in his lap. Again, she kneeled down
before him, briefly kissing his forehead, then looked up into his eyes. “You’ve
got blood all over you!”
She smiled, taking his
arm one more time, and began tugging up the sleeve. His eyes followed hers down
to his forearm.
“No!” He cried. But it
was too late.
“Pacey!”
She was baffled. She
looked up at him, her expression wide and confused. “What’s…?” She ran her
fingers over his skin. “What is this?”
Pacey stared down at
the scars helplessly.
“Pacey?”
“Joey…”
“Pacey! Tell me!”
“Jo…” He looked so
scared. Her eyes were huge and frightened, as frightened as his must’ve been.
He shook his head sadly, but she nodded pleadingly. She wanted to know, she had
to.
He started to tremble,
and his voice was but a hoarse whisper.
“Jo…I’m a…I’m a
recovering heroin addict.”
Her heart broke.
“What?” She asked in a
strangled sound from her lips.
“I’m a…a…a heroin
addict.”
“But Pacey…?”
He hid his eyes from
hers. He was shaking almost violently now, and she let go of him.
“I…” She didn’t know
what to say.
He was fighting back
tears. He didn’t want to cry. She knew that.
She stared at him for
what seemed like hours.
How could this have
happened? How could this have happened to him?
She couldn’t fathom… But then there were the track marks, as plain as day. As
plain as…
Her love for him.
She finally got over
herself and took him in her arms. He jolted up when she reached around him,
startled by her actions, but he shrank against her.
Everything was dead
silent.
Joey just held him for
a few minutes, rocking him gently.
“What can you tell me?”
She finally said, still kneeling on the floor in front of him. He shook his
head.
“I…I…” He looked away
frustrated. He sighed guiltily. The words would not come easy.
“Take your time,” She
said, smoothing the hair back on his head. “I just want to try to understand.”
“I don’t think I can
understand myself.”
“Are you clean now?”
“Mostly,” He sighed. “I
mean, I don’t use, but I have to take Methadone twice a week. I go to a clinic
and they give it to me. It’s better now,” He was trying to offer her something
positive. She looked so sad, so disappointed… “I don’t have to take it
as often.”
She nodded her head
slightly.
“…I was taking it seven
times a week, that was at it’s worst, the withdrawals…but now. Only twice.”
“That’s supposed to wean
you off of it, right?” She asked.
He nodded.
“Does…does it hurt?”
“Sometimes.”
“And how long have you
been struggling with it?”
“A little over three
years.”
“God.”
Joey sunk back on her
heels. A little over three years…that’s right after…
Pacey could tell what
she was thinking.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
He said quickly. “Don’t think you had any part of this. It was me, all me!”
“Don’t.” Pacey said
quickly. Joey stared at him. “Please don’t try to imagine it…it’s…I don’t want
you to know what it’s like.”
She swallowed hard,
fighting the knot in her throat.
“Is there…is there
anything else?” She stared down at the gauze on his hand. The blood had started
to seep through. She stared at it cautiously.
“Like HIV?” He asked.
“Yeah.”
“I’ve tested negative
three times...” Joey almost sighed in relief. “…I’ve got the paperwork to prove
it.”
“I wish…” She placed
her hand over his knee and almost started to cry. “I wish I could’ve been there
for you.”
“Don’t.” He said again,
shaking his head. “You couldn’t have helped me anyway. Only I could help
myself.”
“Are you getting
better? Are you really?”
“I think so.”
Another moment of
silence passed. Pacey started to grow nervous again.
“Look, Jo… I understand
if you can’t see me anymore. Don’t think you---”
“Pacey,”
“I…I know. It’s too
bad, too terrible to-”
“Pacey.” She leaned
forward and put her finger to his lips, hushing him. He was quiet as she
fingered the dry blood on his sleeve. He didn’t say a word as she slipped her
arms around his waist and started to lift his sweater over his head. And he was
breathless as her mouth caressed his bare chest, making her way up his throat,
to his jaw…and then is chin… then his mouth.
She stood and started
the shower, hot steam rising through the air. He stared at her simply as she
started to undress herself, her eyes never moving from his.
~O~
Pacey woke up at eight
o’clock like clockwork. He sat up with a jolt, last night’s memories flooding
back into his head.
The little light
illuminating his room was from the sunlight that filtered through the thin
window in the wall over his bed. It was the only room in the apartment with a
window, and sometimes, when the sun actually was out, he’d just lay there for
hours staring at the reflections on the opposite wall.
He looked around the
empty bed. Joey was gone.
He looked down at his
gauze wrapped hand. She had rewrapped it after their shower, and he sat trying
to remember the way her fingers lingered over him when she did it. He couldn’t
remember it clearly though. He looked down at the scars on his arms and
remembered how she had rubbed them over and over and over again as they laid in
his bed in the dark after making love for the first time in almost four years.
For some reason he
remembered that all too well…the way she stared at them, his track marks… He
wished if anything, he could forget that part. But he wouldn’t.
He looked around sadly.
His bed had never felt emptier.
He slowly lowered
himself back down on his pillow and stared at the reflections on the wall. It
always reminded him of the waters of the creek back home.
That stupid creek, he
thought. Never had he ever guessed he could miss that creek so much. But that
creek was a part of him, and his life, and it always would be. It was the
starting part, the heart, of so many things.
And for him, so much
pain.
He glanced at the spot
where Joey had lain all night beside him.
He already missed her
again. But he felt very lucky that he had been able to have at least this one
last chance with her. He never thought he would have it, and he knew he never
would again, so he recalled it over and over in his mind trying remember the
details, trying to store it away as best as he knew how so that there would be
no regrets. He couldn’t afford to regret anything.
Not ever again.
He grew tired.
Pacey closed his eyes,
and gave in to more sleep.
“Wake up…”
“Huh?”
“Wake up…I have a
surprise for you.”
Pacey’s eyes fluttered
open. In only twenty minutes he’d fallen into a deep sleep and he hadn’t even
heard her come in. That’s how it was for him. With addiction, sleep was always
deep. He couldn’t remember ever dreaming either…
He yawned as he sat up,
scratching his head.
Joey was sitting on the
edge of the bed dressed professionally for her first day at her new job. Pacey
watched her curiously.
“You came back.”
“I wasn’t going to
leave without saying goodbye,” She laughed. “Look! I brought you a surprise!”
He looked over at the
pink bakery box sitting on the empty side of the bed.
“Bagels?”
“Yes! And…?”
“And fruit?”
“Yes! And…?”
“And…?”
Joey grinned at him
mischievously.
“Coffee.” She answered,
lifting from the floor a cup holder with two tall cups of gourmet coffee. “I
borrowed your keys and slipped out early so I could go home and change. I
didn’t want to wake you…” She handed him one of the cups. He took it but then
set it aside on the nightstand. “…so I thought that I’d surprise you and bring
you breakfast. What do you say when I get off work today, we have a nice long
dinner…so we can talk…about us?”
“Joey…Don’t, I don’t
know…” He took her cup from her hands and set it on the nightstand too. Then he
took her hand, and rubbed it with his own. “Joey…this is more complicated than
you think. Things can get really complicated with me, and I don’t expect you
to---“
“Pacey, I’m not going
anywhere,” She frowned.
He looked surprised.
“But Joey---“
“But Joey, nothing. You
kicked me out of your life once already, and I just let it happen. I vowed to
myself if you ever let me back in, I wouldn’t let it happen a second time.”
“But Joey…I’m sick.” He
looked away, self consciously rubbing his arm. “I’m weak…I’m, I’m not as strong
as I used to be.”
“Yes, you’re sick,
Pacey. We’re all sick in our own way... But don’t say you’re not strong. You
are. Otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten this far.”
“But I have so much
farther to go.”
“And I plan to be
here.”
“I don’t need a nurse,
I don’t want you to have to take care of me.”
“Who says anything
about me being a nurse?” Joey said gruffly. “And maybe I want you to take care
of me.”
“Me??? Take care of you???”
“Yeah,” She softened
up. “Without you who would I look forward to coming home to?”
“Joey…” Pacey said,
reluctantly smiling. “I’ve been taking baby steps…I can’t take a leap like
this,”
“So, maybe we take baby
steps too.”
Pacey looked at her
incredulously then looked around at the disarrayed sheets.
“And so we’ll skip the
rules about hopping into bed! That doesn’t count anyways.”
Pacey laughed. He shook
his head at her. “Oh, Joey…”
“Pacey,” Joey said, her
tone more serious. “I know you’ve got a lot more pain to face, and I can’t stop
it. But I know I can be there to see you through it.”
“Joey,” His voice
cracked.
To save him from
crying, and to save herself, she leaned forward and hugged him tenderly. They
both took in deep breaths at the same time. As Pacey exhaled, he held her
tighter.
“I love you,” He
managed.
“I love you too.”
“Good. I’m glad.”
Joey smiled. “Me too.”
THE
END
You
can read my other stories at http://www.geocities.com/massivedcfanficsite