Hopefully Yours

This story takes place in the beginning of season 3, when Pacey and Joey where hardly even friends, and Dawson was kind of Joey’s only thought and interest.

It was late at night and Joey was sitting in her room, in front of the mirror. Watching her face. Stroking her cheeks and her hair, looking into her own eyes. Suddenly tears welled up and started running down her face. She just started crying. As if it hurt just looking at her self. She sat on the floor just crying.

- I can’t take this any more. I can’t do this by my own. I don’t wanna be alone anymore.

Then she regained control of herself again, taking charge of her feelings as so many times before. She went into her bathroom, watching her red, swollen eyes in the mirror. She just washed her face and went to bed, where she lay restless till she fell asleep.

The next morning she was right back to normal, greeting Alexander with a big kiss as he woke her up to go to school. It wasn’t as if Bessie didn’t know about her nightly excursions into self-pity-wonderland, she did know, but she just stayed out. Joey was immensely thankful for that little detail. She didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Maybe if Dawson hadn’t been such an idiot, then she might at least have considered it, but as for now there was no one.

She heard a car coming up to the house, which disturbed her analysis of her own “situation”. To her great surprise she saw Pacey coming up to the house and went up to welcome him, and maybe get some sarcastic remarks in as well.

- Pacey, they don’t feed you at home, she said.

- Well, Potter, I kind of figured you would need a ride to school, and to pay me for my good deed, I excpected some pancakes, or at least a muffin to go, he said with his best smile.

- Pacey, you ain’t gettin no extra credits in my book for this, Joey said, just get a move on…

Joey went to school with agony, as she had for the last few weeks. She dreaded meeting Dawson, everytime she saw him it was like he rejected her over and over again, and she couldn’t stand it. Today was really bad, cause she missed him. Pacey was acting really sweet, but she missed talking to Dawson.

It was really tense between Pacey and Joey in the car, Joey with her mind elsewhere and Pacey desperately trying to find a subject that would make Joey more talkative. He started talking of Alexander. Her nephew was a subject she never got tired of. She would tell stories about him day in and day out, about the funny things he said and did. She loved him more than anything in the whole wide world.

When her depressive thoughts came too close she would sit by his bed and watch him sleep, it always made her calm. She started telling Pacey about one of those times, she didn’t know why, she kind of just heard herself speak.

- Alexander is the most precious thing in my life. The other night, when I sat by his bed he just woke up, and he looked right at me. He didn’t even wonder what I was doing there. He just crawled up in my lap and I held him ‘til he fell asleep.

Pacey was caught by surprise by this sudden heart to heart, but he didn’t object. He felt that Joey needed to talk about things, and he was obviously the only one who could listen. There was something wrong, he had sensed it. She wasn’t well.

As they drove up to Capeside High, they went right by, of course, Dawson Leery. Joey’s heart just jumped. Pacey knew she felt awkward so he just gave Dawson a little wave and then they went up to class. It took a while for Joey to recollect her thoughts. Pacey had to address her four times before she answered him.

- OK, Joey. It’s time to get over it now. It’s been weeks and you still get all gooey when you see him in school. Get a grip of yourself, he said angrily.

Joey, who wasn’t prepared for THAT talk, just shaped up and answered Pacey with annoyance in her voice.

- Oh, this is sweet, Mr. Get-Over-It. I’m just fine. Lay off!

Then she turned right around and left, running into the girlsroom, hid in a booth and started to cry. She just cried for everything these days.

There was a knock on the door and she heard Pacey’s voice:

- Are you ok, Joey?

- Go away, I want to be alone! Joey yelled at him through the door. She hated to cry in public, and the thought of Pacey watching her cry, and cry for no particular reason, was just awful. (I know, she’s crazy, who could comfort you better?)

Pacey felt really awkward but he knew that Joey did need to get this out of her system, so he stayed put. After about ten minutes of endless crying, Joey opened the door and Pacey, who had been sitting on the floor trying to comfort her, just stood up and hugged her, whilst she continued crying in his arms.

- Let’s ditch school today, Jo, Pacey said in her ear, you need to talk to me about this.

Joey just nodded her head and walked supported by Pacey’s arm to the car. They went down to the ruins, where they knew they would be left alone.

- I know you’re sad about Dawson, but isn’t this a little over the top, Pacey asked with a light voice, to prevent the harshness of his words.

- It’s more than sadness, Pacey. This is something else. I just feel empty. I just don’t think I wanna live anymore. And it’s not just Dawson, he just kind of triggered it. Alexander is the only thing that keeps me from killing myself, Joey said, not really understanding the seriousness of her words.

She had just given up. She couldn’t take this alone any more, and Pacey kind of volunteered for the job of her cheering-up-partner. She just broke down and told him everything. About the times she had been sitting with the razor to her wrist, but stopping herself by the thought of Alexander accidentally finding her. About her nightly excursions into town, her rowing across the creek, but stopping at the sight of the Leery house. It did feel better when she talked about it. And one of the best things with Pacey was that he was a great listener, and she felt the answers to her problem was a little closer after every conversation with him.

Pacey was really upset, this was much worse than he had ever expected it to be. He hid his feelings and just decided that he was going to get Joey out of this mess.

The following weeks went by really fast, Pacey and Joey grew tighter, and Joey did seem to lighten up. She told Pacey everything, and he started confiding in her as well. They didn't do stuff, they just talked. They had both needed to get things off their chests, and now was the time.

They didn't just talk about serious things, though. It had gotten to the point that they talked on the phone in front of the TV, watching sappy shows and laughing about it. When a song they both liked played on the radio they would call each other to let the other one know. They would stay at home Friday nights, dancing in front of MTV, well, they just hung out. And it really did them both good. They deserved some upswing at the moment.

One day when Pacey came by Joey’s house, something had changed. He seemed all distant. Joey got kind of irritated, so she just attacked him.

- What is wrong with you? I can sense something here, what happened? She asked.

Pacey got a little worried, but he kind of shook it off.

- Well, there is something I haven’t told you. I wanted to but I don’t know, I got kind of anxious. You know last weekend, when I went to that party and you didn’t come. Well, I kind of met someone. A girl. And we kind of made out. For like an hour. And I don’t even know if I like her. And she has just been calling me. She seems really into me(and who wouldn’t be??)

- OMG! I can’t believe you haven’t told me this before, Why didn’t you?

- I don’t know. I meant to but I got nervous. Maybe cause I love you, you know, you’re my best friend. I just got nervous.

- This is so much fun. So this girl is like, stalking you! What ever happened..?

Joey was intrigued by this whole thing. And she couldn’t believe Pacey didn’t tell her. And she knew he loved her as a friend, he told her constantly, but what did that have to do with everything?

- Well, she kind of harassed me all night… And then she hit when I was too drunk to object. And you know how Jen always says I need to get laid, well I actually feel much better after a good snog, so I guess she is right, Pacey confessed. And you know what, we have to get you laid too!

- Yeah, right Mr. Witter, that’ll happen.

Joey was just stunned. They didn’t really talk about sex, this was like the first real sex-talk they had ever had. And what was it for, anyways.

- I’m starting to believe that you are either asexual or a lesbian, Pacey declared.

Joey got so tired of Pacey sometimes. It was just that occasionally, he would say things that just made her so incredibly happy. He could be so sweet if he tried… Like always telling her that he loved her, and the fact that she knew he was always honest with her.

- But then again Joey, I think an intelligent sensitive person like you could fall in love with anyone.

Pacey had continued with the sex talk, on and off for hours.

- We really need to get you laid you know… That is a fact. People who are depressed always feel better after getting laid. It is the salvation of all world problems. I bet you Saddam Hussein didn’t get laid that often during the Gulf crisis…

- Pacey, can you lay off?

Joey was just getting more and more tired. Luckily they had walked all the way to her house, so she could rest from him for a couple of hours. Pacey blew her a kiss and started walking away, shouting a little love ya to her from the road.

Joey just smiled, though tears were showin in her eyes. He had helped her get over Dawson all right. She had denied it for a while, cause it was so hard, but inside she knew that she loved Pacey more than life itself. She had always loved him, as a friend, and for weeks she had been suppressing the knowledge of her also being in love with him, but she couldn’t do it anymore.

Joey was in her room reading, but she couldn't really concentrate, she was just waiting for the phone to ring. Waiting for a call from Pacey, obviously since he wasn't just her only friend, he was only her only friend she was desperately in love with.

Sadly, they hadn't been seeing each other that much the past two weeks, and he didn't call her as often as he used too. She wanted to talk to him, desperately, but she just couldn't bring herself to picking up the phone.

She decided to call him when Sally Jesse came on, since they loved to make fun of her, but when it started she just couldn't.

Whilst she sat in front of the TV the phone rang.

- Potter B&B, may I serve you?

- Oh, it's the Potter Jr herself, Pacey screamed in the phone.

- Are you watching this, Joey asked.

- I can't believe that woman’s hair, I mean, what's up with that?

- Did you want anything, cause I'm kind of in the middle of something, Joey said in a cold voice.

She couldn't keep her cool. She couldn't talk to him.

- Is something wrong? Pacey asked. Everytime I talk to you your busy, we never see eachother anymore.

Pacey was hurt. Joey didn't seem to want him around anymore. He didn't know what, but he had done something wrong. He wanted it to be like before, he wanted to be her best friend, and he still was, but it was different.

- Pacey, can we talk later, I gotta go?

- OK, call you later. Love ya, Pacey said.

- Love you to, Joey whispered back to him.

Whenever he said those magic words she started to cry, cause she wanted them to mean so much more.

Pacey sat with the phone in his hand, wondering what he had said. He felt guilty, but he didn't know for what exactly. Maybe for wanting to be close to her. He figured she had sensed something, maybe that was why she didn't seem to wanna talk to him anymore. Girls could feel those things, she had told him herself. In fact, everything he knew about women, she had thaught him. Everything worth knowing. How was it that he wanted her so much? But even though he loved her, or maybe because of that, he didn't care if being her friend was all he could be. He just wanted her to be happy, so he could settle for less. And being her friend was really the next best thing. Just being able to talk to her was a privilege (?). But he felt as if he had to tell her anyways. And he was trying to figure out a way how too.

Later that night, Pacey was trying to get some sleep, but it was useless. All he could think of was Joey. He knew he’d never fall asleep, so he decided to go for a drive. Where he could think of her without anything bothering him. The Ruins. To him, it feels as if that’s where it all started.

Joey was restless in her bed. It was really late, she ought to be sleeping, but all she could think of was Pacey's saddened voice when she didn't wanna talk to him. She decided that the lame attempt to get some sleep was just in vane, and got up to get something to eat… This thing needed contemplation, and she did that best with a jar of peanutbutter and an apple not too far away. Joey had a theory on life that had sorta helped her through some rough times… She appropriately called it the “repress and deny theory”. It basically indicated that you just repress and deny all feelings you think are inconvenient. May not be the best in the long run, but it worked… Gave her a migraine and stomach problems, but that’s a price you gots to pay… This Pacey situation was suitable for the repress and deny theory… She just had to tell herself that Pacey wasn’t the love of her life, she wasn’t remotely in love with him and that was that. Wasn’t so hard? It wasn’t as if she hadn’t done it before. Okay, Pacey was now gone from her head, and her heart.

Pacey was standing at the ruins, considering his problem with the ever present miss Potter. He knew he loved her and that meant he knew he needed her in his life. So was it better to let things depend and still be best friends or should he tell her how he felt and jeopardize their friendship. Maybe that was the best thing to do, cause the chances were slim to non that she felt the same way. And he was popular. He could get anyone. He had a girl pining after him right now. She’d put up and be happy about it, he’d get some time to think about it and still be best friends with Joey, it was a win/win situation. What was that girl’s name, he’d met her several times. She called him all day long, left messages on his machine… Right, Micaela. Micaela was her name, and he was gonna go after her. Shouldn’t be hard…

A couple of weeks had passed since Joey’s decision to use her theory on the Pacey situation. They were still best friends, but now he had to split his hours between what used to be the very present Joey, and his new girl Micaela. Joey tried not to look at her with envious looks, not to try to make her look stupid and mean in front of Pacey, but it was hard. She really worked with the repress and deny thing, but it didn’t seem to apply to the situation. Everytime she saw Pacey, Micaela was but an inch away. They were making out in the cafeteria, groping eachother by the lookers, it didn’t seem to end. He did make time for her though, making sure they met alone at least twice a week. And what did right did she have to be jealous? He was happy, he was in love, but it just hurt so much to see them together.

That night, Pacey came around Joey’s house to check up on her as per usual. She seemed unwilling to talk to him in school since the whole Micaela thing. She seemed really hostile towards her. Not that he was so surprised; she wasn’t really Joey’s favorite type. You know, fairly stupid, more breasts than brain; pretty in a dull sort of way. Nothing of the radiant beauty Joey Potter possessed.

Joey was sitting at the docks as she always did when something was troubling her. He went and sat down next to her.

- What have I done Joey, he asked.

She shrugged, but remained silent.

- It’s Micaela, right? You think I’m stupid for being with her. You know I don’t like her that much and now you hate me for being a total guy, just using her to get some, right? That’s it, isn’t it?

- No, Pacey, that’s not it.

- Then what? Cause I don’t think I can have it like this. You’re my best friend, and you just keep avoiding me. Tell me what’s wrong. Pacey pleaded to her. He hadn’t come to tell her these things, but he couldn’t keep them to himself when he was looking at her.

- You know this theory I have on life. The Repress and Deny theory? Do you remember that, Joey asked.

- Joey, please don’t change the subject.

- I’m trying to explain, Pacey. The Repress and Deny theory. It’s not working for me anymore. As much as I wanna hold on to it, it doesn’t work when you see what’s hurting you the most day in and day out. I see you with her and I know you’re in love and everything and I can’t lie to myself anymore, you know.

- I told you, I’m not even in love with her.

Joey didn’t even hear him, she was so anxious to get this thing out. She spoke really slow, pausing between each sentence.

- Look Pacey. I know this is gonna screw things up with us, more screwed up than it has ever been, and as much as I wanna still be your best friend, I gotta say it.

- Does this have to do with Dawson. Are you trying to tell me that you two are back together and you can’t see me anymore. Are you still in love with him?

Pacey closed his eyes and held his breath in anxiety for the answer. When it didn’t come he opened them and looked directly at Joey. She was crying, the tears running down her cheeks and he so wanted to wipe them away, but he couldn’t. All he could think about was the he must be right. Dawson and Joey back together. The inevitable had finally happened.

- I’m in love with you Pacey, Joey finally said. Not the “you’re my best friend and I love you” kinda love, but the “I’m your best friend but I wanna be more kinda love”. And I know you don’t feel the same way about me, and I know this is gonna screw everything up, but I can’t lie to you anymore. I can’t lie to myself. And I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is.

During the time she had spoken, she hadn’t even looked at Pacey. If she had, she wouldn’t have felt so stupid as she did now. She would’ve seen the smile on his lips and the love in his eyes. Everything he felt in joy of her words.

- What makes you so sure?

- What do you mean, Joey said, finally looking at him.

- What makes you so sure I don’t love you back the same way? What makes you so sure this is gonna screw us up?

- Look, you have Micaela. Don’t play tricks with me. I just told you I loved you, don’t play the smart game. If you wanna leave and never talk to me again, fine, do it now before I lose my temper.

- I told you before I’m not in love with her. Don’t you see it, you idiot. I’m in love with you!

Pacey looked so sincere, she couldn’t believe he was playing tricks on her. He took her face in his hands and he kissed her as he had wanted to kiss her for months.

- Lucky you I came clean, huh Pacey?

- Lucky you were in love now Potter, maybe those snide remarks of mine won’t come so often.

THE END