JACK’S STORY

Author: Jindc
Disclaimer: "Dawson's Creek" is owned by the WB and it's creator. No copyright infringement intended.

In the darkness, Jack looked over at the glowing red digits on his alarm clock. "Oh, Jesus," he muttered. And then he smiled with the thought that alone in his room at 3:00 in the morning was probably the only allowable time to say such a blasphemous thing in Grams's home. Grams. He smiled.

But soon his thoughts raced back to the same old thing. Damn, he hated this. During the day, he'd always been busy with classes and football practice and hanging around with Jen, but alone in his room at night, all his insecurities loomed large, and his mind kept spinning through the same old fears and confusions.

He knew being gay wasn't going to be easy, but he thought at least it was going to be different.

He'd felt such a huge sense of relief when he came out. A sense of freedom and honesty. At last he could be himself! No more pretending to be something that he wasn't. Before he came out, he had felt like he was playacting. He took his cues from tv, movies, books, and everybody else around him. He knew what it was like to act straight - how could anyone miss it. He was always acting - acting straight, acting strong for Andie, acting like a waiter at the Ice House. He smiled at that last one. Sometimes his acting wasn't so hot.

Football was difficult physically, but in some ways it was so easy. Learning plays and taking direction. Sure, he had to decide where to throw the ball, but Henry was so dependable that it all came so naturally. But football season was over, and he had more time on his hands now. More time to think too much.

Joey used to tell him about how Dawson analyzed and obsessed over everything. Well, now it was 3:17a.m., and Jack felt like he had contracted Dawsonitis. Joey. He missed their friendship. It had become so easy to be with her and confide in her. But they'd drifted apart when she got back together with Dawson and he moved in with Jen and Grams. Of all his friends at Capeside, he sensed that she was someone that he could potentially talk to about what was eating away at him. Jen was a wonderful friend, and he loved her and was grateful to have her in his life. But when it came to talking about relationships and sex, she exuded a certain confidence and sense of humor that sort of made him poke back into his shell. She always seemed to be saying, "You'll find someone. You'll fall in love, and it will be great." She was trying to reassure him and make him feel better, but instead it just made him feel squelched. But Joey -- he knew Joey was well acquainted with a lack of self-confidence. A fear about relationships. A gnawing self-doubt. An awkwardness with intimacy. The "fight or flight" instincts. Joey excelled at both fight and flight. Jack was an expert at flight.

But who was he kidding? He could never talk to Joey about what he was going through. She'd be uncomfortable, and the irony would be overpowering. After all, HE hadn't helped Joey much. Here, he'd been the one man she'd felt safe with, lowered her guard with, and taken a risk with, and then he turned out to be gay. Jack wouldn't dream of adding insult to injury by going to Joey with his problems.

And now it was 3:42a.m. Jack punched up his pillow, and lay back with his hands behind his head. He could feel his biceps touching his ears. All that football training had given him muscles and a tone he'd never had before. He took pride when he saw himself in the mirror these days. He'd worked hard, and he'd earned more than a capital C for his football jacket. He'd earned himself a "killer bod." He laughed at the thought, but he knew it was true. Here he was - at the peak of physical conditioning. Seventeen years old. He'd heard somewhere that 17 was the age at which guys reach their sexual peak. All this peak-ness was going to waste!

He needed to someone to talk to. He still had Ethan's phone number, but he didn't want to call him. Looking back on his conversations with the boy, Jack realized that Ethan took pleasure in showing how wordly wise he was, often by pointing out what a naïve newbie Jack was. Jack didn't feel safe anymore with the idea of being honest and vulnerable with Ethan. Especially after the whole deal at Capefest.

If only Jack had a role model for this gay teen stuff. Someone on a tv show or something. Jack felt comfortable following guidelines. There were so many straight guidelines. But he was lost with this gay stuff. How can he know if someone is gay? If gaydar exists, he still hadn't developed that sixth sense that comes out of experience combined with instinct. Sometimes, he thought nobody else in the world was gay. Other times, he thought, maybe he's gay, maybe He's gay, maybe HE's gay. With straight men and women, there could be friendship, there could be love. When a single man and women met, there was uncertainty and potential, and he was experienced with that. He knew it wasn't easy, but he knew how it worked. But this gay stuff was so confusing. Was the guy gay? If so, did he want to go out on a date? Did he just want a friend? What are the signals? How does gay flirtation work? Should he look for a sign in the eyes, in the way he smiles? He'd read Ethan wrong, and he felt humiliated. Was he destined to spend the rest of his life falling for straight men and doing the wrong thing with gay men?

Jack had looked for answers on the Web, but it seemed like all the chat rooms and web pages having to do with gay teens seemed to be oozing with older men on the make, kind of like the guy in the bar in Boston. Jack didn't want XXX, Boys, Boys, Boys.

4:05a.m. "Oh, man!" Jack sighed. He had a physics exam tomorrow. All the formulas were blurring together in his head. He just wanted to sleep. Just a little sleep. Is that too much to…

* * *

Jack had survived his physics test, and now it was Friday night, and he was sitting in the Rialto with Jen watching "The Talented Mr. Ripley." Jen was a Matt Damon fan, and she had begged Jack to come with her. Jack didn't know anything about the movie, but Matt Damon was in it, and he decided that was a good enough reason to go. But now that he was watching the movie, he didn't really care for it. He could completely understand Matt Damon being obsessed with that hot Jude Law, but the sociopath stuff was a complete turn off. Why couldn't he watch a sweet love story involving two gay teens. Jack had read in the Boston Globe about some small, independent films that did a good job portraying this kind of relationship, but they didn't show those kind of movies in Capeside, and Jack knew that there was no way the local video store would have them on the shelf.

Jack was sitting on the aisle, and he quietly left his seat in search of the men's room. He hoped he hadn't disturbed Jen when he got up.

Jack was finishing up at the urinal when he heard a toilet flushing in one of the stalls. Jack didn't look up as he went to wash his hands. The other guy was washing his hands, too. Jack mused to himself, "What are the chances that two men would wash their hands in the men's room? This guy must be gay!" He smiled as his own little joke, and looked at the guy. To his shock, Jack was looking into the eyes of Ben.

"Jack?" Ben asked, but he knew for sure this was the football player he'd seen on tv.

"Ben!" Jack half-shouted. Confusion and embarrassment swept over him. May if he gotten more than a few hours sleep last night he'd have reacted a little more rationally.

There was an awkward silence. Ben seemed relaxed and happy, but Jack was a bundle of nerves. He looked down, and then he blurted out, "Ben, I'm sorry that I didn't meet you for coffee that night. I… I.. uh…"

Ben said, "Jack, I assumed you got scared because it was all too new for you, and I'd prefer to think about it that way. It beats feeling rejected."

Jack took a deep breath filled with relief. "Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that. That's exactly what it was. I was scared to death," Jack confessed. Why was his heart beating so fast?

Ben smiled and handed a paper towel to Jack. "Maybe we can start over," he said. "I'm Ben."

"Hi, Ben. I'm Jack." Jack said with relief as he dried his hands.

* * *

In the Rialto lobby, Ben and Jack sat on the floor with their backs to wall, below a poster for "Girl Interrupted." Neither was interested in the charms of Winona Ryder.

They talked as naturally as old friends. Jack freely unburdened himself of what he had been going through these past several months. The isolation, the loneliness, the confusion. Just because Ben had gone to the prom with a boy, that didn't mean that he was immune to the same angst. Ben "got it." Ben was living it, too. There was no condescension, no teasing.

The time swept by, and soon the movie let out. Jack and Ben stood up reluctantly, sorry to see their conversation cut off so abruptly. Jack looked for Jen, and Ben looked for his best friend, Dan. Ben had explained to Jack that Dan was getting over a recent breakup with his girlfriend, and a dose of Gwyneth Paltrow was the only thing that could offer solace tonight.

"There you are!" Jen shouted as she approached Jack. "I was beginning to wonder where you were." Jen's voice trailed off as she looked up admiringly at Ben.

"Uh, Jen, this is Ben. Ben this is Jen" Jack said.

"That rhymed, Jack" Jen said slyly and she reached out to shake Ben's hand. "It's very nice to meet you, Ben."

Just then, Dan walked up, and more introductions ensued. The friendly foursome went out for ice cream. While Dan and Jen got along well enough, it was Jack and Ben who exchanged phone numbers when it came time to go.

Walking home together, Jen and Jack were uncharacteristically quiet. Jack had a irrepressible grin on his face, and Jen silently stopped Jack to give him a warm, congratulatory hug.

* * *

After hours-long phone conversations that Jack hated to see end, he and Ben decided to spend Saturday together on Martha's Vineyard. Jack had lived in Capeside for nearly a year now, and he'd barely seen the other coastal communities. Ben had a car, and it was so nice to get out of town. It was off season, and the two of them were the only tourists to be found. Ben enjoyed showing Jack around. Everything they saw was new to him. Jack was floored by all the Gingerbread cottages of Oak Bluffs. They took a long walk through the state forest and enjoyed yet another long, engrossing conversation. It seemed to Jack like they would never run out of things to talk about. As dusk approached, Ben told Jack to hurry and get in the car. He wanted to show Jack a beautiful sunset from Gay Head Light.

Jack started to guffaw. "You've GOT to be joking! THAT'S the name of the lighthouse?"

"I kid you not." Ben said with a chuckle he parked the car near Gay Head Cliffs.

They walked together along the beach beside the beautiful cliffs. Jack stood in awe as he took in the magnificent sunset.

"It's too bad the lighthouse is closed in the winter," Ben lamented, "The view from up top is just incredible."

Jack turned to look at Ben in the fading light. "I think the view from here is perfect," he said. He wasn't looking at the sunset anymore. He was looking at Ben, and Ben was looking at him. Ben took a step toward Jack. Jack's knees took on the consistency of jello, and he felt his face flush. Jack took a wobbly step toward Ben. He put his right hand on Ben's left shoulder. Oh, God, it felt so good to finally touch him. A strong, hard shoulder. Nothing like his ex-girlfriends' soft, round shoulders. This was pure muscle. This was…

Suddenly Ben's arms were around him and they were kissing. Lips only, at first, but soon they opened their mouths and Ben's tongue lapped over his own. Chest to chest. This felt so right. Jack felt like he could dive down into Ben's mouth and be swallowed whole. I never want to stop kissing him, he thought, as he felt Ben's chiseled, stubbled cheek with his palm.

Amidst the icy winter wind, Jack felt warmth flow through his body. He didn't need to look down to know that he was aroused. Ben was too. Gone were the doubts and second-guessing that plagued Jack's insomniac nights. Jack knew what to do. Instinctively, Jack reached down to touch Ben, but Ben whispered, "Jack. Jack, this is going to sound crazy, but I think we should take this slowly. I don't want us to mess this up. This is too important, to both of us."

Jack was startled by this, but when he looked into Ben's eyes, he saw that they were filled with love. And Jack understood, and he nodded. And as they held each other beneath the darkening sky, Jack thought that maybe Grams was right. Maybe there was such a thing as God.

The End.