Title:
I Don’t Know What I Will Do
Author: Steph
Email:
[email protected]
Summary: This takes place the day before Pacey and Joey return to
Capeside. It’s everyone’s thoughts
about what’s to come and how they will handle it. I refer to some events that occurred in the Summer Diaries, so if
you don’t recognize something, that’s where it originated (i.e. Dawson and
Jack’s housepainting).
Author’s Note: Thanks to Roxy and J, my
terrific beta readers. Don’t know what
I would do without them. This is kind
of new territory for me since my first two fics were lost scenes. I just
thought everyone’s thoughts about the couple’s impending return would make a
great story. Hope you like it. If you
want to post it somewhere, just let me know.
I knew this day would come soon
enough. I’m just not sure if I’m ready
for it. Of course, I’m not sure if I’ll
ever be ready. But can anyone blame
me? I’m not exactly sure what I, or
should I say we, are going home to tomorrow.
Pacey and I haven’t really talked about Dawson since we left. He never asked what Dawson said to me at the
wedding, and I never offered to tell him.
I’m not sure how he would take all of that. Knowing that Dawson told me to go and that I did. Even though that’s not the reason I decided
to come with Pacey, he would ultimately see it that way.
I’m not gonna lie and say that I don’t
miss Dawson. I do, terribly. He has been my life for so long, and I’m
still getting used to life without him.
Granted, it’s been easy out at sea, several thousand miles from
Capeside. But now, we’re headed back to
reality, and all I want is my best friend back so I can tell him about this
wonderful summer that I’ve had. But, I
know that can’t happen because my best friend never wants to hear Pacey’s name
again.
Will he ever forgive me? Will he ever forgive Pacey? Will things ever be the same? I know they
won’t, and I know why. And it’s all my fault. I fell in love with my best friend’s best
friend. And he fell in love with
me. Things are never going to be the
same again. I just hope that Dawson
will understand. And, I hope that Pacey
will understand my wanting to be friends with Dawson again. I see how content he is with the fact that
we are going home tomorrow, and I fight to put on a brave face for him. I don’t want him to know that I am afraid of
the days ahead. All I can think about
is forgiveness. If I don’t get it, I don’t know what I will do.
Does it make me less of a man if I’m
scared to go home tomorrow? I try to
stay strong for Joey. I can tell that
she is ready to dock in Capeside. She
seems glad that we are arriving at the marina tomorrow.
All I want is for her to be happy. And, I know that her happiness will include
Dawson. I’ve learned to accept it. After all, he’s her best friend, always has
been. Even if he never speaks to me
again, I hope he forgives her. It will
crush her if he doesn’t, and I don’t want to see her in that kind of pain. I know that she gave up a lot to come with
me, to choose me. I love her for it,
too. But, I also know that I’m not
enough. She needs more. That was always a constant problem between
her and Dawson. I’ll give her all the
space she needs to do whatever she wants.
I just want her to always love me.
As for Dawson, I just hope that one day
he will understand that I never meant to hurt him. That sometimes things happen that you can’t control. Like I once told him, he of all people
should understand someone falling for Joey Potter. Maybe by now, he does. If
not, I don’t know what I will do.
Well, Bessie says they are coming home
tomorrow. I didn’t want to know, but I
overheard her talking to my mom at the restaurant. I had to get out of there as
soon as I heard her name. Can someone
please tell me how I am supposed to feel about their return? I don’t know what to think or feel.
Yeah, I miss my best friend, but I also
don’t want to see her right now. I
thought this summer would be enough time to heal, but I guess I was wrong. As soon as I heard their names, all that
pain from this past year came rushing back.
And, I’ve tried to move past it, really I have. Jen even told me that she could see me
moving forward. I just hope she doesn’t
see the real me, scared to death inside of what’s to come.
I hope that Joey and I can eventually
become friends again. She’s been such a
part of my life for so long that I can’t imagine life without her. This summer just hasn’t been the same. I’ve enjoyed my time with Jen, Andie, and
Jack, but we all knew that two very important people were missing. And, I do miss Pacey, even though everyone
thinks I hate him. We were like brothers,
and he betrayed me. How do you get over
that? I don’t know if our relationship
will ever get back to normal. I don’t
know if I want it that way. None of us
can go back. We can only move forward. Hopefully, moving forward will involve all
of us. If not, I don’t know what I will do.
I got an email from Joey last week
telling me that they are coming home tomorrow.
I’ve really missed her and Pacey both.
Things haven’t been the same without them here.
We’ve had a great summer, the four of
us, but there has always been that one uncomfortable topic. We all knew that this day would come, even
if some of us didn’t want to face it.
I’ve spent quite a bit of time with Dawson this summer and can see that
he is slowly moving forward. He won’t
talk about it, but I can see that it still hurts some. I hope he can handle their arrival back into
Capeside. I would hate for him to lose
all those great strides that he has made while they were away.
As for me, I just want to hang out with
Pacey and Joey again. Joey and I became
much closer this year, and I miss having a girlfriend around here. Okay, Pacey and I became a little closer
than friends, but that’s behind us.
He’s just a cool guy who doesn’t deserve the flack that he has been
getting all his life. Plus, one can
only handle the perky Miss McPhee for so long.
I love Andie to death, but I long for Joey’s caustic wit and outlook on
life. When did I start to use words
like caustic? Oh well. Guess that’s what I get for taking that SAT
prep course with Andie this summer.
Well, when tomorrow comes, I hope we’re
all ready for it. The events that will
take place are not as detrimental to me as to certain others, but they are my
friends and I care about them. I just
want everyone to be happy, as cliché as that sounds. And if they’re not, I
don’t know what I will do.
Jen told me that Pacey and Joey come
back tomorrow. So, I guess we can kiss
this lovely, peaceful summer goodbye, huh?
Things have been so great with the four of us that I almost forget we
were ever having problems to begin with.
But, then I remember that there are two people not sitting with us at
the beach, or at the park, who should be.
We all miss them. Some just more than others, I guess. I miss Pacey, though not for the reasons
that everyone thinks. I really am over
him, and just want him back as my friend.
Everything I told him at the prom was true. I want him and Joey to be happy.
As for Joey, I hope she knows that I
don’t hate her, and that I never did. I
was just hurt by the surprise of it all.
We had gotten to be pretty good friends, and I hope we can get that
back. I want her to know that she can
count on me as a friend to help her through all of this, if she’ll let me.
I think we are all worried about
Dawson. He and I shared a similar bond
throughout this ordeal because we held the title of ex. I just don’t think that he has been anywhere
as forgiving as I have. He just thinks
that the friend he trusted the most betrayed him by stealing the love of his
life. He never saw the agony that Pacey
went through over all of it. I’ve tried
to convince him that things will get better.
I hope he believes me. If not, I don’t know what I will do.
Andie couldn’t wait to tell me that
Pacey and Joey are coming home tomorrow.
She seems genuinely excited to see them, and I am glad for her. I finally believe that she is over Pacey and
moving on with her life. She has come a
long way since we moved to Capeside.
It’s nice to see her standing on her own now.
I worry about Dawson though. We’ve been hanging out a lot lately,
especially since we started this foray into house painting. I can tell that he is trying to get over
what happened. But, I can also tell
that it’s a slow process that will only improve over time. He has opened up a little, but the really
personal things he keeps inside. Joey
is the most sacred thing of all. When
we’re all together, it’s the one topic that we are all afraid to mention. Maybe by the time True Love docks tomorrow,
Dawson will be ready to make the first move.
Well, I can hope, can’t I?
I’m also worried about Jen too. She’s still afraid that Joey hates her for
telling Dawson about her and Pacey. I
don’t think Joey will feel that way. It
was a mistake, pure and simple. Joey
should understand. Jen and Joey have come
so far that I’d hate to see them
regress back to their early days.
Whatever happens tomorrow, I just want
our circle of friends to be complete again.
I think we’ve all had enough teen angst this year to last a
lifetime. As unlikely as it may be, I
would really like us to enjoy our senior year, together. If that’s not possible, I don’t know what I will do.