Sanity
I’ve been thinking about
my own sanity
a lot recently.
In terms of the
majority of population,
I’m guessing
that my thought patterns
would be deemed
deranged or at least
abnormal. I’m
not saying that there
is anything wrong
with being abnormal,
but if it
disrupts your life and
makes it so that
you cannot function
properly as
a human being, you may
want to seek
professional help.
Talking to my friends
about seeking professional help, [and
talking to myself i.e.
thinking] I decided that although others
may advise seeing a
therapist or counsellor, I don’t think it is for
me. I’m happy
with the way I think. I don’t want to tell a
stranger all about me
so that they can try and make me think
differently. I’d
need to trust them so much and not because I’m
afraid that they’ll
tell others, but because they will judge me and
it would be complete
honesty. Something that you couldn’t fake
or change your mind
with. Sometimes I scare myself with my
own thoughts, and sometimes
I scare myself with my apathy to
my thoughts. It’s
like I’m becoming immune – and society is
slowly becoming immune
to ideas that are ‘inappropriate’.
The way I live now may
not be as productive as it could be, and
sure, I get in ruts
of depression, but this is the person I am, and
know. If
I were to think differently, I would be a different
person. Why would
I - as I am quite happy with my own identity,
want to see someone
and change who I am simply because I am
different to society’s
expectations? Perhaps my thoughts may be
alternative but does
this mean that we abolish all induvidual
thought? I hope
not. Sometimes I think I’m going insane, but
can I be if I am aware
of it? And if I can’t simply because I am
aware of it, why can’t
there be a madness or phobia of becoming
mad that drives someone
to madness? What type of a society
would it be if people
who thought differently were refereed and
encouraged to seek help?
It scares me that to think that this
society could reject
people that are different in this way, yet it is
happening and without
much thought and minimal complaint. Is
this because we want
people to act and behave a certain way?
Probably. For
someone to be unpredictable poses a risk.
Especially if they can
be violently so – to themselves and to
others. I’m not
stupid, I can see the dangers of this.
Maybe one day if I become
unable to function properly and am
happy with changing
the way I think, I’ll hand over my mind to a
professional, but until
then, I’ll keep my mind where I can have
access to it.
And that’s another point, can the insane know that
they are insane?
There would have to be some rational to
realise that you were
not functioning properly and seek help for
yourself. And
that is when others come in and intervene. That
terrifies me.
The idea that I have no control over myself, that
others will then have
the right to change my thoughts and try and
alter my judgement.
And when did we all decide that subversive
thoughts was something
that was wrong, to be treated and
changed? Where
do we draw the line, because there are so
many different shades
of sanity and insanity. Do we just try and
make everyone the same
shade?