these wounds will never heal

who knows why I'm keeping this shit...

05-04-2002
I have been tinkering around in here even though I haven’t logged it up. Today I’ve added a bunch of pencil drawings that I did today. Pencils I didn’t colour any of them and not that that it matters because my scanner doesn’t like looking at colour these days anyway so I end up scanning in black and white.
I’m right in the middle of my 2 week holiday at the moment which is great. I got a job 2 weeks ago after months of no income. Then just before the holidays, my old work called me up and wanted me to do some casual work. Sweet. More money for me. I get paid tomorrow finally. My first pay in months.
So much has happened, but not really the place for it here. This is for site stuff. ok, so adding 11 new pics in boys, girls and faith. The slate section seems a bit dead – if I’m writing anything insightful these days it’s either really personal – more personal that this place because most of you that read this shit know me. And anything else I write in darkforum which I’m addicted to. I hate it. I’ve found the GUNZ again which is bad. At least there’s hardly anyone there and so when I do go there, a lil while and I’m done. Like checking email really.

21-02-2002
OK, it came to my attention that the visions thumbnails all lead to nothings an so i had to relink them all again. i'm stupid, so what can you do? they're fixed now at least. i've added only 1 i think but all the others that i've added since this new site's been up have never been seen either, so now you can see my old new drawings for the first time. i added atheism to religion in slate a few days ago - i just couldn't be bothered logging it in here. uni starts on monday which means i probably wont be adding anything for a while.

16-02-2002
been doing lots of cleaning up. i found up i'd linked every page to the forum wrong. i think the one i did link to was german or something. anyway it only had one post. so i had to go back and change 1 number on every page. i think they work now. if you do find yourself at the other forum, well good for you. you're a winner!!!

15-02-2002
Completely redid the site. Looks much
prettier now. Well I think so. I hope so. The old one suited it's purpose. But look! This is definitely prettier. I even made buttons! Praise be to the buttons. OK so the contact button is a bit of a mess. But it adds some mystery. Yup, mystery. Coz you can't have all straight forward buttons. No, that's no fun. Keep them guessing I say.

Slate is somewhat the same but I edited the articles, and during the editing progress I couldn't help but add to them. Re-scanned some of the visions. My scanning skills weren't so great when I first got my scanner and I figured I could do much better. Added a few more to the visions. Sorted everything again including links, visions and slate. What am I talking about 'including' for? That's all there is to this site really.

Man I can't believe I redid this whole thing. You don't realise how much time I spent on this. Well not a lot, I decided to redo it about 2 days ago. And at least I've been keeping the phone line free. Not that I have much choice right now - my sister's on the phone.

and now for all the old bits. a cut and paste job here...god don't even read it. i thought i'd just keep it here.

13-01-2002 Don’t read it I said. I think this time this’ll be a bit of a journal. Boring as hell. No one wants to read what I did in the last few weeks… Back from a lovely 2 ½ weeks holiday in Hong Kong and Bangkok. I definitely like Hong Kong better in the winter. Crap all humidity, clear blue skies, and mostly cold air although it’s a little polluted still for my liking. As with all holidays since I can remember, I got sick. Still recovering – I got sick in the last few days of Hong Kong so it wasn’t too bad really. But still trust me to catch everything that goes round, and even the stuff that doesn’t go round. It was winter in Bangkok and fucking hot. Hotter and more humid than summer in New Zealand, so lucky we went when we did rather than in a hotter season. Stuff there was really cheap and I regret not buying more. We were going to Hong Kong after Bangkok though so we thought what we didn’t get in Bangkok we’d get it there. No. Our dollar isn’t so great against Hong Kong anymore so things were about the same price if not more expensive unless you went out into the markets. CDs for example – one thing I wanted to buy lots of were often around $40NZ. So I decided to wait till I got back home. Just as well too I bought Mudvayne L.D.50 and SOAD Toxicity for $50 together yesterday. Yeeeee. System of a Down. 5 more days! Oh yee I’m so excited. Beef took me out yesterdays despite my sickness and sleepiness and we went shoppin got our ears pierced and saw LOTR. It was good the place was packed, we sat in the front row which hurt my neck and by the end we both really needed to pee but that’s not the movie’s fault. Then I came home couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep and couldn’t sleep. I drifted off sometime around 4 or 5 and no one woke me until 12 noon. This is so not good for my jet lag. I’m still living in Hong Kong time. I went to sleep around 10/11 p.m. and got up at 6. Dammit. Ah well it doesn’t really matter. It’s not like I’m working or anything. Actually if I had gone out last night, I’d be wide awake till at least 6 in the morning. Too bad nothing was on on a Sunday night and I was sick.

I’ve added 5 more drawings in the vision section. Decided to start vision9 but it’s not very big right now. These 5 were all done on the plane trips there and back. The poses are just from my head; I had nothing to copy from except the occasional fellow passenger like the baby was a baby sitting in front of me.

01-11-2001 added three more recent drawings. did some tidying with links...hmmm....nope, nothing other than that. fireworks are so pretty. i love fireworks, can't wait to this weekend. yay for night time. better live it up this weekend coz the next will suck. oh well, it'll only be my birthday. doesn't matter, another 3 weeks and it will be all good.

27-10-2001 6 more bits in vision. they're pretty recent ones dated between the 12th of this month to yesterday. all primarily in pencil with colour added on paper and/or on computer. all from pictures with alterations. one of salvador dali on his death bed. hopefully you'll be able to pick which one. was orignially in colour, but my scanner didn't pick it out very well and so if i had put it up in colour, it would basically be a few reddish lines where the shadowy areas are. less than a month till i am FREE. it's gonna be good, but i'm going be so poor. especially after hong kong. oh well.

13-10-2001 added more to slate. 5 more in fact. snakeskin is out yea. wanna go see it. moop moop. exams are over yeaaaaa. so stoked, an examiner came to look at our art stuff and she liked my work. she said she my progression was great and that i had good compositional skills. yeaaaa. all i have to do now is build up my painting technique. that's probably the easiest out of the three. progression being the hardest. stoopid ms [teacher] was trying to find stuff bad about my work but the examiner was like, no that's perfect. haha suck on that stoopid teacher....ahhhh. such a relief. minky minky miiiiiiiiinnnkkkyyyyyyyyyyy

07-10-2001 man i'm such a loser. came on the net so i didn't have to do study and crap like that, but now it's sunday and what am i doing on? who knows. i've just added sanity in slate and vision 7 is now full and running. it's pretty much the stuff i'm doing at school. the paintings like like shit colours are completely different, but the monochrome type pieces look pretty good. i've added some more onto vision 6 that i wasn't going to put on, but hey, i've got them, i might as well use them. hate hate school. shit i've got an exam tomora. dammit. ah well it's only english. i can do english but i think i'll have to at least go through my notes. man i hate maths almost finished the 1999 paper today. it took me more than 4 hours and i skipped bits i didn't get and i had all my notes with me. i'm fucked for the exam. ah well who cares? i don't care. you don't care. NOBODY CARES!!!

OOoooOooo another thing, my grandma's coming tomora! that's really weird seeing that about and hour or two ago, it was a whole day away. and i think it's daylight savings today. yup in about and hour i think. la la la. moop. yay i finally got some bracelets that i wanted, not quite as many as i wanted, but still. $3.40 at the recycle boutique which isn't too bad. that place rips you off mostly, but sometimes they have good stuff. like this crazy dress that i'll probably never wear now that i look at it. it's red velvet with big feathery fluffy cuffed sleeves. doesn't matter though only costed $4.50. it's worth it just for the materials in it.

haha had a talk to momma about my sanity. kinda awkward [that looks weird but i'm sure it's right] but hmmmm...we talked about me seeing a therapist and i said that i wouldn't want to see one because well, it's all pretty much in the sanity thing in slate. i don't particularly like talking about my own mind and sanity especially to my mother. i dunno, it's weird.

02-10-2001 second week of the holidays, done shit all work and elam application due on friday gotta get a passport photo and colour copy all my photos before then. which is so stupid since i have photos but they don't accept photos. what the hell is the point of taking copies of my stuff for $4 each? sucks.

added 4 more bits to slate under society they have 'new' next to them. wrote them yesterday and finished them off today.

14-09-2001 OOooOOoo look at me! Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

-- Click Here To Take The Test --

hehe ah well.

08-09-2001 finally finished the 10,000ish word flie of thoughts. i've divided them up and they're now in slate. hope you enjoy - them more details in there. closing dates for applications to courses are looming up, and i really need to get my ass into gear. but here i sit, doing this and telling myself that i really do need to do some work...good genie...end of school coming, but not close enough. is it one or two weeks till the holidays? not much anyway, not for the majority of my design board. i'm not too fussed about PAINting anymore, i've got enough work, even though she likes to pull stuff off, i can do it in the holidays. design i cant do in the holidays coz i don't have a decent programme or computer. so i really should motivate myself more on that. i quite like the idea of doing stuff by hand and then colour copying it, but the colours wouldn't match up which is vital in designing a package of stuff. it's such a pretty day today, what am i doing on the net? silly me. tata

03-08-2001 been writing a LOT lately. but i'm not going to add it yet. i've estimated it will take about 6 more sittings to complete, assuming that each time, i'll write less, so if i write the same amount or more than previous times, it'll be finished faster. i don't want to give away too much, but basically it'll be big. school sucks, but it's chuggin along far too quickly. sometimes i want it just to fly past, but then i think to myself that i have a total of 8 art boards to hand in soon...well, in about 10 weeks? fuck. at least the teacher like my work today, which is good. finally i took risks that she liked. good girl genie. maybe i'll put some paintings in one day - which means i'll have to finish them. what are we going to do tonight? beef comes back on about 2 weeks. i wonder if she will come in here while she's away...la la laaaa. moop moop. i need some bubbles, well i need a bubble container. got plenty of morning fresh. i miss bubbles. cherry flavoured bubbles....genie's just talking shit now, so genie going byebyes.

22-07-2001 tidied up a bit in here, added the new guestbook as you see it which means the old one is floating around somewhere unused, which is good coz it was ugly and sucked coz it was far too big, and displayed things badly. added a poll, which has only 2 votes - one of them being my vote, if you read this, well you might want to search for the poll. it's link is on this page and it's a question mark. it's not hard to find once you know what you're looking for, so well, go on have a say. tool was fucking fantastic, ari and i had a reasonably good time...hehe. not many others shared our enthusiasm unfortunately. apparently, they were getting pissed off at us, but what's the point in going to tool if you're not happy? yay. i'd say more about it, but it would probably wouldn't be much interest to you unless you wanted a good laugh, and i can't be bothered telling what i remember about it. ask me and i might tell ya someday. that's all for now, pretty crap huh? might not be going to canada anymore, but still hopefull. tata

06-07-2001 changed the pictures, still nothing really anything more for gallery, ball's been and gone, wondering if it's worth putting my roll of ball photos up. added some rants from my diary. i currently don't have the net, but trying to persuade mummy that it's worth paying for. we might be going to canada at the end of the year. it's that or australia or hong kong. id rather canada, coz we've never been, it'll be a white christmas, and i figured out a way that we'd all be together. the other option with hong kong, we'd probably be all separated. mum suggest i go to canada myself for some time. just for a month or so for an experience. id love to, but when would i fit that in? i suppose february next year would be pretty good. before i start the year. and she also wants me to work in hong kong for my uncle since he does design, only i'd probably do the best designs in the place since he's not a 'real' designer. he just taught himself. he's really just a printer i think, but they do some design jobs. also, i could be a pain to my other uncle. that would be pretty cool. hanging around sets and stuff. [he's a director] actually hong kong sounds pretty good. i'd just have to speak the language is all... and i hate the humidity, and crowds of people, and pollution... i dunno. i still have plenty of time though.

02-05-2001 put up the newest drawings and stuff, but they don't make a full 2 pages, so it'll be a while till there's more up. unless i scan more stuff of what i'm doing at school.

30-05-2001 the boards up and running, yep i'm a dumbass. and i thought i was so clever [if you got my first munted email that was missing the address of the forum and site you'll know what i mean]. not really adding anything to this, today but changing the picture, and tidying up a bit. i think i might use this log as a kinda diary thing. for everyone to read. art due tomora it's pretty good though, coz i was missing 2 small works to fit in with my layout and i 'found' 2 at home that would be perfect for the space i need to fill so that means no art homework again. not that id do it anyway. i can't seem to do school art at home very well. i need to be really inspired to do work [or really under pressure]. otherwise i just go and do something else. and it's usually the net. but my net's gone pooie so i haven't been able to lately unless i go through a long and complicated process of trying to get the net to work. Finally doing my design workbook. Thought i should since it was due sometime last week, although it's not hard forgetting to do it considering the teacher. Thought i should do it since our art work books are due tomora and i haven't done any more on it since the beginning of term. i have a nasty headache. i think it's from sitting too close to the heater i've got sore eyes and my head feels really heavy. it's been bloody cold lately and it's only the 91st day of Autumn [Herbz told me that] what will winter be like? 3 days til i wash my hair. woohoo! [this must sound weird if you don't know why, but i'll just let you think what you like]. i'm off to finish my design - i only came on the computer to print some stuff off but managed to do this as well. silly geeky me. tata

27-05-2001 lots of work done today, but it'll take a while for me to put everything up, especially if my net's mean again. that's what happens when you have free net. made pretty much everything white except for the forum and the enter page. going for the minimalistic look. it's heaps easier to work with and to load probably. changed the format for the folio part and the name's changed. hack deform my eyes was really losing it's meaning. been working on the forum in the last few days, well, i haven't actually been home, so the last week or so. if the forum works well, i'm hoping to wipe the scarbook out completely since no one paid much attention after the initial novelty wore off. it wasn't even that amusing anyway. actually it's a pretty sucky book. the font's too big, and i wish i could make it start at the last message. exams soon, which means i'll probably end up doing more stuff on here just to procrastinate. hehe. thinking about putting up a photos page, but there's always something dodgey about that. i have photos - arty photos on my other site, but i was thinking more along the lines of photos of events and stoopid everyday photos. maybe i'll do something like that next year. dammit. just tried to get on the net again. didn't work. looks like i'll have to do ittomora.