A Star Wars Holiday Nightmare Before Festivus

 

 

Han Solo walked through the foggy streets, trying to figure out where he was.  It was dark and difficult to see very far, and the wet snow was making his hair damp.  After a few confused moments, he sighed in relief as he recognized a cantina's entryway. He knew he was on Tatooine.  Pausing at the doorway, he wondered why he was on Tatooine.... and why was it snowing outside?  Tatooine wasn't exactly known for having a winter season. 

 

The Corellian shrugged, and then entered the door.  He stopped quickly in surprise as he observed the locals - human and non-human - doing a congo line dance around the saloon, led by a robust woman Han had never before seen.   Upon seeing him, the tall woman halted her dance partners, and gave a cheeky grin at Han.  "Happy Festivus, stranger. Care to join us?" she asked in a deep voice.

 

"Who are you, and what’s a Festivus?" Han asked.

 

"Ackmena's the name, serving drinks are my game," she replied.  "You've never heard of Festivus?  It's just the best holiday in the galaxy."  She sized Han up carefully. "If you don't like dancing, I have a private room in the back for more personal exercise."

 

"Uh, no thanks," Han said, backing up.  "Maybe I came into the wrong place."

 

"I doubt that," Ackmena said, winking. "Your Wookiee friend has been waiting for you."  She pointed up to a brightly lit stage.

 

Han felt his jaw drop.  Chewie, Malla, Ichy, and about a dozen other Wookiees all stood in a row, dressed in long, red robes.  "Chewie?  What are you doing up there?"

 

*I'm the lead singer in a Festivus Wookiee choir,* Chewie woofed back. 

 

"Since when do Wookiees wear clothes?"

 

*It's Festivus,* Chewie responded, looking down at Han and shaking his head in disgust.  And with that, all the Wookiees started howling and screeching, which caused all the patrons to groan and put their hands over their ears and various hearing appendages.

 

"Aren't they wonderful?" Ackmena yelled loudly at Han over the keening noise the Wookiees called singing. 

 

"What did you say?" Han shouted back.

 

The Wookiees suddenly stopped 'singing' and all the patrons broke into applause.  "Look," Ackmena cried in happiness.  "We have a celebrity in our midst!"

 

"Oh, I wouldn't say I'm a celebrity," Han said modestly, trying to appear humble. "Most people just call me a hero...."

 

"Not you," Ackmena sniffed out, pointing over Han's shoulder. "Her."

 

Han turned around.  On the stage was a very, very odd looking woman with hair that appeared to be plasteel.  "Who's that?"

 

"That's Gormaanda," Ackmena told him, her face twitching in annoyance.  "The galaxy famous chef."

 

"Now, listen up everyone," Gormaanda twittered.  "With the holidays right around the corner, we all need to learn how to properly prepare roasted bantha rump."  She picked up a very large carving knife, looking wildly around the room.  "Has anyone seen a bantha around here?  We can't make the roast without killing a few banthas."

 

"I think I saw one running down the street," a calm voice said from behind Han.  "If you hurry, I think you can still catch it."

 

"Oh, goody," Gormaanda said gleefully as she hurried out the door, nearly pushing Han down in her haste to leave.

 

The Corellian thought he recognized the calm voice.  "Luke!" Han spun around, then staggered backwards in shock.  "Luke?"

 

"What's the matter?" Luke asked, smiling serenely as he twined his fingers together.  "Haven't you ever seen a Jedi wearing manscara before?"

 

"Uh... I think you might have gone a bit heavy there, kid," Han said worriedly. 

 

*Han?* Chewie woofed from next to his partner.  *Have you seen Lumpy?  I think he's gotten lost.*

 

"I saw Lumpy a few minutes ago," Luke told Chewie.  "He was with Mermeia, so I wouldn't worry too much."

 

"Who's Mermeia?" Han asked, having never heard of this person.

 

*Oh, that's a holographic hybrid human water-creature that Lumpy created on his mind-evaporator.  I think he's in love with her,* Chewie said sadly.  *I should never have allowed him to get a mind-evaporator for Festivus.  Teenage minds are too easily evaporated as it is, anyway.*  Chewie wandered off, bellowing Lumpy's name every few seconds, which sounded remarkably like the 'singing' from a few moments earlier.

 

"Isn't Festivus the most wonderful time of the year?" Luke said with a happy sigh.

 

"I've never heard of it until now," Han responded to his friend, then frowned and leaned a bit closer to inspect Luke's face.  "Are you crying?"

 

"No."

 

"But.... I think your manliner is running."

 

"It's called manscara, not manliner," Luke said, getting irritated as he wiped the dark streaks off his cheeks.  "I think there's too much smoke in this bar, and it's making my eyes get all watery."

 

"If you say so," Han said dubiously.

 

"Look," Luke said quickly, pointing to the stage.  "Leia's about to sing!"

 

"Leia's here?" Han asked in surprise.  But then, everything was a surprise on Festivus Day, apparently.

 

Standing in her regal white robes, Leia stood above the crowd.  All the red-robed Wookiees took their places behind her, and she started to sing a slow, somewhat off-key ditty about snow and red-nosed banthas and someone named Nick as the Wookiees hummed along behind her, swaying back and forth like they'd had one too many shots of whiskey.

 

"Come on," Luke cajoled the Corellian.  "Let's join them onstage!"

 

"I'd rather not," Han remarked.  "It looks crowded up there, already."

 

Leia stopped singing, glaring down.  "Han!  Don't you make me come down there and get you."

 

Heart pounding, Han headed up the steps and onto the stage.  "I have a bad feeling about this."

 

"What do you have a bad feeling about?"

 

Han sat up abruptly in the dark room.  "Where am I?"

 

"Home, in bed," Leia mumbled from under the covers beside him.  "Why are you awake?"

 

"I think I had too much rich food before bed, because I just had the strangest dream," Han muttered.  "There was some holiday called Festivus, and Chewie was wearing clothes, and some crazy chef ran outside in the snow on Tatoonie with a knife to hunt down a bantha.  That wasn't even the worst part.... Luke was wearing manscara!"

 

Leia sat up.  "Manscara?"

 

"Don't ask."

 

THE END