They Shoot Hamster’s, Don’t They?
Ramblin Rose
Jim woke up looking at the clock and wondered why he was waking up at two
in the morning. Then he heard Blair talking to someone in a very soft
voice.
“Shhhhhh. We don’t want to wake Jim up. You have to be very
good until I figure out where you belong. Then I’ll let you out of
there.”
Jim sat up in bed wondering what the hell was in that pizza that he had
the night before. Slipping out of bed, he grabbed his jeans and crept
down the stairs silently as a cat. He didn’t want to alert Blair.
He needed to find out what was going on. As he got closer to Blair’s
door, it opened up and Blair jumped about an inch off the floor saying, “What
the hell are you doing, hanging around outside my door, Jim?”
“Well, first of all, I was on my way to the bathroom, Chief. Secondly,
I didn’t know I had to ask permission to go by your door. What’s going on?”
“Nothing's going on, man. Nothing at all. Just go back to bed.”
Blair turned around and went back into his bedroom and shut the door.
Pulling his hand back, Jim rapped on the door hard and said, “All right,
Chief, who do you have in there and why won’t you let them out?”
“Man, you were listening to me, weren’t you? I have no privacy here.”
“Can the bullshit, Chief, answer my question.”
As Jim was standing there talking to Blair he heard a scratching and chewing
sound and Jim ran to get his boot because he thought there was a mouse in
the loft. What mouse would be insane enough to come in here,
Jim wondered? There’s nothing to eat, the place is too clean and
the owner is anal. That’s right, Ellison talk about yourself in the
third person.
Jim walked back into Blair’s room carrying one boot with the look of a killing
machine on his face and Blair panicked. “Jim, slow down. Let
me explain to you about who's in here.”
“Fine, you talk while I look for the fucking mouse.”
“Jim, it’s not a mouse, it’s a hamster.” Blair said rolling his eyes heavenward.
“Fine,” Jim said, “I’ll kill the damn hamster then.”
“What do you mean you’ll kill the hamster? What's wrong with you?
That hamster never hurt you.”
“Chief, I don’t know how to tell you this, but hamsters are just like mice.
They need to be gotten rid of before they spread.”
“Well, Jim. I don’t know how to tell you this, but you couldn’t kill
this if you wanted to.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Sandburg?” Jim growled as he sat on
Blair’s bed looking behind it for the hamster.
“It’s a spirit guide, Jim. I don’t know for whom, but it’s here and
it’s not real. No one else would be able to see it. Other than me,
you and the person it’s meant for.
Well, Jim tried to hold it in, but finally, the laughter made its way out
of his mouth, chest and lungs. He was laughing so hard he had tears
running down his cheeks. “Chief, who would be unlucky enough to get
a hamster as their spirit guide.”
“I think it might be someone we know. So, let's have everyone over
tonight for a poker game and we’ll see if anyone sees the darn thing sitting
on the counter.”
“Chief, that damn hamster is not sitting on the kitchen counter.”
“Jim, it’s not a real hamster, so it’s not germy.”
“Hey, if I can see and feel it, it’s real. It’s not sitting on the
kitchen counter.”
“Fine, you ass. God, you’re so rigid sometimes.”
“Rigid? And who are you calling an ass?”
Out of the corner of their eyes, they saw the hamster come out of Blair’s
room. And Jim couldn’t help it; he started laughing his ass off again.
“Jesus, I’m going to be kinder to whomever it belongs to. Just because
I’ll feel sorry for them.”
The hamster made a run for Jim’s ankle but Jim moved pretty fast for a big
guy. Keep it up, hammy, and I’ll get my gun. Remember what I
said, they shoot hamster’s, don’t they?”
“Enough of this, Jim. Be nice. It can’t help it that he or she
is a spirit guide and stuck in a hamster's body.” Then looking over
at Jim, even Blair started laughing.
Later that morning, Jim got on the phone and called all of their friends
to come over for a poker party and see who was going to get the blessed protector.
Jim started laughing again as Simon’s phone was ringing.
Simon picked up and said, “Who the hell is this?”
Jim said, “Sorry, Simon, it’s me, Ellison. I wanted to invite you
over for poker tonight. You game?”
“Well, I’m not sure, Ellison. Why are you laughing?”
“Blair told me the funniest damn joke and I can’t get it out of my mind.
I wasn’t laughing at you, sir.”
“What time, Ellison?” Simon bellowed.
“Eight o’clock and don’t be late.” Jim said as he hung up the telephone.
Dialing the numbers, he talked to all of Major Crime and they were all coming.
As time grew near for their guests to arrive, Blair brought out the hamster
and sat it on the coffee table and said, “Jim, will everyone be able to see
it from the kitchen?”
“Fine, put the damn thing on the counter, but after tonight you’re scrubbing
the counters down with Lysol.”
“Thanks, Jim. I just think it’ll be easier to see that way. And
then we can send everyone on their way.”
As Jim turned to walk into the kitchen he saw the hamster, jumped and ran
into the bar. Jim bent over and was holding his cock like something
had happened. Blair realized that something did happen. The little
hamster was standing up on his hind legs and howling in anguish.
Blair rushed up to Jim and said, “Jim, let me see. What the hell did you
do?”
“It hurts bad, Chief. I rammed my cock into the divider bar and right at
the corner.”
Blair leaned over and started unzipping Jim’s jeans and Jim said, “Chief,
what the hell are you doing?”
“I’m going to look and see how it’s doing. Got a problem with that, Jim?”
“No, I guess not. Jesus, Chief, it really hurts.” As Blair was looking
at his cock, he was trying to ignore the fact that Blair was breathing so
closely to it and at the same time saw the little hamster still standing
on his hind legs howling with anguish. “Shut up, you, you, you hamster.
Hamsters don’t howl. What is up with this hamster, Chief?”
Blair started running his fingers across Jim’s cock as he started to answer.
I think he was letting me know that you were hurt, that's all. Blair
looked down and saw Jim’s cock starting to get hard. Jim wanted to
die. As he looked over, he noticed the fucking Hamster had finally
stopped its little howling routine. But now, Jim was hard as a rock
and Blair was rubbing him like there was nothing wrong with that.
“Hey, Jim, feeling better, are we?” Blair asked, smiling at his friend still
stroking his cock.
Again, Jim looked over at the hamster and saw him sitting and humping the
butter dish. “Jesus Christ, the damn thing is humping the butter dish,
Sandburg.”
“Well, I don’t know about you, Jim, but that’s not putting me in a terribly
sexy mood.”
“Blair, we have company coming in another hour.”
“Yeah, well, I might make you feel a lot better in the next hour.”
Jim finally went into Blair’s arms and they started kissing and the howling
from the hamster started up again. “Chief, I don’t mean to bug you, but I
can’t get into this with that damn mouse howling. Who the fuck would
think that a hamster could howl? And what’s wrong now?”
Jim turned towards the door and said, “Shit, we have company.” He zipped
himself back into his jeans, very carefully and went to answer the door.
Opening it up he was ready to be pissed off, until he saw the look
on Conner’s face. She said, “Jim, I’m sorry I’m so early, but I was
so lonely tonight, I could hardly stand it.”
Jim rolled his eyes and said, “Come on in, Conner. I’m sure Blair
doesn’t mind.”
Going right over to Conner, Blair said, “What’s up Conner? Why are
you lonely tonight,” Blair said as he put his arms around Conner and hugged
her really hard.
“Sandy, I’m so missing my family tonight. God, doesn’t it get
easier as time goes on?” Conner asked pleadingly.
“Yeah, it’ll get easier, Conner. But you also need to know that you
have friends at this time and we’re here for you no matter what.” Blair said.
Jim just stood there and Blair kicked him in the back of the leg. “Conner,
you’re always welcome here. You know that. We like you.” Jim
said as happily as he could. I mean after all, Blair had just been about
to make all of his dreams come true. Jim was still hard just thinking
about it.
Jim went to the door and threw it open and welcomed Rafe, Joel, Brown and
Simon all at the same time. “Hi, guys, come on in.” Jim said deciding
to make the best of it. If you play your cards right, Ellison and
let Blair win, maybe you’ll get some of that attention later.
They all sat down at the table and started to play poker. The laughter,
the jokes, the friendship was just what Megan Conner needed. As the
night wore on, not one person noticed the damn hamster. Even though
Blair tried drawing attention to it all night long. Conner got up to
use the bathroom and suddenly the hamster stood on his hind legs and started
the little pathetic howling again. And Jim couldn’t help it. He
lost it and started laughing. Blair nudged him and said, “Jim, do you
think something might be wrong with Conner?”
Jim got up mumbling under his breath the whole time and went to the bathroom
door and said, “Conner, are you okay in there?” Blowing her nose, Conner
answered, “I’ll be out in a jiffy, Jim. Sorry to hold the game up.”
“No problem, Conner, just making sure you’re all right.” As Jim walked
towards the table he could hear her crying and he saw the stupid little hamster
howling. Trying not to laugh, he walked into the bathroom without even
knocking. He pulled Conner into his arms and said, “It’s all right.
I’ve been lonely a few times in my life, too.” She cried for a few
moments and then she said, “How did you know I was upset and crying?”
“Well, it’s a long story but when we get back out there would you see if
there is anything on the counter that belongs to you?”
Looking at Jim strangely, she said, “Sure. Let me wash my face and
I’ll join you out there.” Jim walked out and could hear her getting
herself under control. He looked over at the hamster that should be
named “baby” and saw it had settled down and was no longer howling.
Then he looked up once he sat down and the damn thing started humping the
covered butter dish again. Jim leaned into Blair and said, “I’m going
to kill you for having that stupid thing on my kitchen counter.”
As Megan came out of the bathroom, she glanced at the counter and saw the
hamster humping the butter dish and couldn’t help it. She started laughing
her ass off, as she asked, “Jim, what the hell is that hamster
doing?”
Everyone looked to where Megan was looking and saw nothing. Simon
said, “Conner, come on, I think you’ve had one too many drinks.” But
Jim got up and said, “Sir, I need to talk to Conner for a moment.” Dragging
her back into the bathroom, Conner and Jim were still laughing like nutcases.
“What the hell is going on? Why don’t they all see that little hamster?”
“It’s your spirit guide, Megan.” Jim said trying not to start laughing again.
“Oh, for gods sake, what have I done to bring this on? I’ve been a
good person. Don’t you think?”
“Yeah, I don’t think we have any choice in who is our spirit guide, Conner.”
“Well, that’s easy for you to say, you have a cool black jaguar and Blair
has a cool gray wolf. And what do I get? A butter dish-humping
hamster.”
“Well, I was wondering, Conner, has it been a long time since you’ve slept
with anyone?”
“Why?” She asked.
“Because maybe that’s why he’s doing that. Acting out what you are
feeling.” And Jim couldn’t help it, he was howling again. And then
Megan was laughing with him and finally they stopped when Blair walked in
and said, “Everyone's asking what’s wrong. Come back to the game we’ll discuss
the little guide after the game is over.”
They all walked out into the kitchen and sat down. Every time Conner
looked at Jim she would start laughing and Jim did the same. Simon
finally said, “All right, what did we miss?”
“Nothing sir, just trying to humor Conner. She’s been a little down
and it’s working.” Jim said, smiling.
Jim looked over at the counter and the hamster had gotten the butter dish
cover off and was now humping the butter itself. Jim looked over at
Conner and she looked at Blair and all three of them started laughing their
collective asses off. Simon stood up and said, “Okay, I’m out of here.
You’re all too weird for me. Good night to all of you.”
“Sir, we’ll try to get ourselves under control.” Jim said and looked over
and saw the hamster sliding all over the counter top because of the butter
and started laughing till he could hardly breathe.
“Yeah, I see how you’re under control, Ellison. You three act like you’re
on something, I swear.” Simon said as he walked passed the counter.
He looked down and said, “What the hell got into your butter dish, Ellison?”
Which started the laughter up all over again. I give up. I’m getting
out of here before it becomes catching, Simon thought.
Brown, Joel and Rafe all looked at the counter and Joel said, “I’d say you
have a mouse or something.” The laughter started again and Rafe said,
“The captain is right, they are weird tonight.”
As they all walked to the door, Jim, Megan and Blair calmed down enough
to say goodnight to them. Saying goodnight was fairly quick since the
three men acted as if they couldn’t get out of there soon enough. As
Jim shut and locked the door he turned to Blair and said, “We have our spirit
guides home.” And they all started laughing.
Jim walked up to Conner and said, “Wanna sleep upstairs with us?”
Looking at Jim and Blair she just kept opening her mouth over and over again.
Then finally answering she said, “Would we still be friends tomorrow?”
“I fucking hope so, or I’ll have to listen to that damn hamster’s little
howl day and night.” Jim said laughing as he walked up the stairs.
Conner walked over to Blair and said, “I didn’t know you two were together.”
“We aren’t, this will be our first. Wow, and we’re going to have a
three-way. Hot damn, but that hamster did a good job with all that
humping.”
Blair and Megan were both laughing as they walked up the stairs. The
laughter stopped when they saw a naked Jim lying on the bed. “Holey
Moley, Batgirl, I think we’ll have our hands full, what do you think?” Blair
said, smiling.
“Oh yeah,” Conner said stripping as she went towards the bed. When
they were all naked they got in bed and Jim said, “So how do you want to
do this?”
“Hey, you invited, you tell us. We’re just here for the ride.” Blair said
with a huge smile on his face. Jim looked down and saw his cock standing
out proudly from his body and said, “I’d like to taste that, if you don’t
mind.”
“I have something to say really fast.” Conner said, breathing hard already.
“I named the little guy in the kitchen while we were taking our clothing
off.”
“And what would that be, Megan?” Jim said, using her first name since they
were all naked.
“Thumper.” Megan said as they all went into fits of laughter.
Jim said, “I like that.” And saying that he was taking Blair’s cock into
his mouth and it looked like this night was going to be the most fun they’d
had in ages.
“Jim, could I watch you two? I mean, I can take care of myself, but
I’ve always wanted to see two men together.”
“Sure you don’t want something first, Megan?” Jim asked, rubbing in between
her legs. “Oh shit, all right, fuck me now, thumper.” Jim said
to Blair, “Chief, Fuck me while I fuck Megan, please?”
“Whatever you want, Thumper,” Blair said as he started getting Jim ready
and Jim readied Megan. Oh yeah, this was an interesting night.
Simon walked up to the door to get his good luck cards, and was about to
knock when he heard the sex sounds coming from inside the loft. Simon
could hear that it was all three of them and they were talking about someone
named Thumper. Saying they’d have to thank Thumper when they went downstairs.
Jesus, now Simon knew he missed something. Go home, old man, before
you stroke out.
The end. (Thank god.)