Jim watched his partner as he paced in the living room while he was cooking dinner.  This wasn’t going to be a fun night.  No, in fact, this was going to be something that Jim would rather die than do.  Ellison, get a grip, he needs you right now.  He can’t have you falling apart.  He needs you strong.  He needs to lean on you.  

Blair walked around the living room and kept glancing out the balcony door, seeing the city.  His city.  Somehow, it looked different tonight.  Why's that? Because he had done something he’d swore he would never do.

As he continued to pace, he stopped now and then and tried to just breathe right.  For some reason, his breathing seemed to be affected.  Looking over at Jim, Blair asked, “Why would I be having trouble breathing?”

Jim started for Blair but Blair put him off with his hand and said, “No, I want to be alone for just a bit more.  Please, Jim.”

Pacing back and forth and slowly starting to mumble for that his partner to hear his thoughts so he didn’t have to say it more than once.

“Did I do everything by the book?  Did I do everything just as I was taught?”

Jim said, “Chief, you handled it perfectly.”

“Perfectly? Jim, how could a person handle something like this perfectly?  Like something like this can be.” Blair said with such a sound of sorrow in his voice that it broke Jim’s heart.

“Chief, you didn’t panic. You did everything by the book.

“Hey, Jim, do you suppose that my new nickname will be by the book Sandburg, now?” Blair said almost on the verge of hysteria.

“Chief, come and sit down.  You need to relax and get your breathing under control.  You’ve got to calm yourself.” Jim pleaded with Blair as he sat on the sofa.

“Jim, I don’t feel good.  I need to throw up.”  Blair made a dash for the bathroom and Jim could hear his retching from the living room.  He just left him in peace.  Jim figured that Blair needed some time to himself.

Jim waited on the sofa patiently for his partner to come out again.  As Blair came back out with his face ashen and pale, he finally sat down next to Jim.  Jim rubbed his back and said, “Chief, take nice even breaths.  Nothing too deep or too fast.”

“I think I fucking know how to breathe, Jim.” Blair screamed out.  Jim jumped at the anger in Blair’s voice.  Jim had never thought he’d hear that in his voice.  Not towards him when Jim was trying to help him.

“Fine, just breathe the way you want but can I rub your back?” Jim asked quietly.

“Yeah, that helps a little bit.  Thank you.” Blair said looking over at his partner with fear and panic in his eyes.  “Jim, when does it get better?”

Jim couldn’t hold back any longer.  He pulled Blair into his arms and held him firmly.  Even though Blair fought him, he held on for dear life.  Jim really felt like this was a matter of life and death.  It was that important. “Blair, I’m so sorry that I put you in this position.”

“Jim, it’s not your fault and you know it.  Don’t try to take this on.  This is for me to handle.  I’ll do it or I won’t.  One way or the other, we’ll find out what kind of officer I am.”

“Chief, never doubt that you’re a good cop.  Okay?  Never.”

“Too late, Jim.  I already do doubt myself.  It’s just too fucking late.”

“Do you feel like I forced you into this role?  Blair, I want you to be happy. I never wanted you to do things you weren’t ready for.”

“Jim, are you ever ready for that?  I don’t think so.”

“Are you sorry you became a cop, Chief?”

“No, Jim, I love being your partner. I really do.”

“Chief, please, don’t breathe that hard.  You’re going to make yourself sick. Try to calm down.  Try and just hang on to me for a few moments and let me help you.”

“Jim, you can’t take care of me this time.  I’ll have to do this by myself.  Why don’t you go ahead and go to bed?”

“Chief, we’ll work through this.  I want to help you.”

Taking slow breaths, Blair started calming himself down some.  Looking over at Jim he said, “I’ll be fine.  Go on up and go to bed.”

“Blair, come upstairs with me?”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to be away from you tonight, Blair.  Please come upstairs with me?” Jim begged.

“Jim, I’m not going to do anything stupid.  Give me some credit.” Blair said getting more pissed off by the moment.

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe it’s for me?” Jim asked with his head hanging down.

“Jim, why would you need me upstairs? What are you thinking about?”

“Blair, please lay with me on the bed and we can talk.”

“Jim, come on.  We’ll go upstairs.  Things will be fine.  Calm down, Jim.” Blair said and wondered when his partner had become so agitated.

As they climbed the stairs, neither man spoke.  Once there, Jim stripped out of his clothes and slipped into the bed with his boxers on and pulled back the covers for Blair.

“I don’t understand how this is going to make me feel better, Jim.  I just don’t get it.  But if it’s what you need, then I’ll do it.” Blair said as he slowly took his clothes off and climbed into the bed with Jim.

Jim wasted no time in pulling Blair into his arms and holding on for dear life again.  He knew that this was important.  Even if Blair didn’t understand yet.  He would.

“Chief, I want you to sleep on all this tonight.  But if you want to do something else with your life, I’ll be there for you.”

“Jim, you wanted me to be your partner more than anything.  That’s what you told me.  Now you’re telling me you don’t care?”

“I do care.  But I want you to be happy, too, Chief.” Jim could feel the slight trembling in Blair’s body and knew that he was going to break soon.  So, Jim just held on tighter.

“Jim, I want to be your partner.  That’s all I ever wanted out of life.  I just wanted to be with you.” Blair said almost crying.

“Chief, I love that you’re with me on the job.  I love you more than you could imagine.  You’re the best friend I could ever ask for.  You’re the best partner I could ever want.  I admire everything you say and do.”

The trembling began to get more urgent and Jim just held tight.  Blair said, “Jim, let me up I need to go downstairs.”

“I don’t want you to go, Blair.  Stay.” Jim said calmly, but firmly. “I’m scared out of my mind, Chief.  So please don’t leave me right now.”

“Jim, why are you scared?” Blair said as he pulled away and looked into Jim’s eyes.

“Because I know you’re going to leave me and I just want to have one night with you in my arms.  I just needed to tell you how great you are.  How important you are in my life.” Jim said starting to cry.

Blair started sobbing then and said, “Jim, please make this pain leave.  Please make it stop.  When does it go away?”

“It never goes away, Blair.  It stays with your forever to remind you of this moment.”

“I don’t want to remember.  I don’t want to be reminded of it.  I want to forget.  Jim, I killed a man tonight.” Blair said sobbing into Jim’s chest.

“Yes, you did, and in doing that, you saved four others.  What would you have rather done.  Be here upset about one man or upset about him killing four innocents?”

With the sobbing getting louder and harder, Jim had to turn his senses down so he could stay in control.  Jim was crying right along with Blair.  He knew that this day was going to be with Blair forever.  Jim was wondering if Blair had made the right decision.

“Things will get a little better each day, Blair.  You wait and see. I promise.”  Jim kissed Blair’s forehead and then his cheeks.  Blair just pulled in closer to Jim’s body and said, “Make me forget all this Jim. Make me feel something good instead of pain.”

Jim started kissing him and said, “Blair, I don’t think that would be a good idea.  But if you want to talk about it tomorrow that would be great.  I’d love to make love to you and with you.”

Not moving his head from Jim’s chest he said, “Really?  Have you ever been with a guy, Jim?”

“Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.  I’m not a virgin if that’s what you’re asking.  But you’ll be the first man that I’ve ever made love to, that I’m in love with.”

“Jim, do you promise to talk to me about this tomorrow?” Blair asked softly.

“I promise, Blair.  I love you.” Jim whispered into Blair’s ear.

“I love you, too, Jim.” Blair whispered back.

“Now go to sleep, Chief.  I’ll hold you all night long and we’ll talk once you’ve slept on it.”

“Thank you for being my back up, partner.  I love you and I feel like I can take that breath now.”

“Good, I love you.” Jim said and got even closer to Blair if that was possible.

Jim noticed that Blair was breathing a little easier now.  He was taking small breaths, not too fast, not too deep.  Just right.  Blair was almost asleep and once Jim heard his breathing go into the sleep cycle, Jim started crying for innocence lost.  His partner would never be the same.

Jim stayed awake most of the night holding Blair and waited for him to wake.  It was his job.  He was Blair’s backup.

Finally getting himself under control, he started taking small short breaths in hopes that he’d be able to breathe better, too.  It was working.  He relaxed into a light sleep with one ear out for his partner to wake.

Things would be better in the morning.  Maybe.

Both men just had to take a breath.
 
 

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