It Always Rains
Ramblin Rose
Staring out his bedroom window, Blair didn’t really think he could get
any more depressed. But then again, he could be wrong. He saw
each raindrop falling on the sill and wondered if this is what it would look
like if he watched tears falling. The wood of the windowsill absorbed
the moisture quickly and again, Blair wondered if tears would be absorbed
the same way. What's wrong with you, Sandburg? You need to
get a grip. Things aren’t that dismal. Things could always be
worse, right? Well, they could.
Trying to concentrate on his studies for the academy, while looking out
the window, he heard the front door open. He heard Jim throw his keys
into the basket. The sound alone made tears come to Blair’s eyes.
What the hell's wrong with you, Sandburg?
Blair could hear Jim moving around in the kitchen; the cupboards opening
and closing looking for something for dinner. Then he heard the refrigerator
opening and a beer being pulled out. He smiled as he listened to Jim
take the top off the beer and take a swig of the cool brew. The next
thing he heard was Jim getting pots and pans out to start dinner. It
was Jim’s night to cook and he wasn’t going to call take out for a change.
Blair felt good just listening to him moving around in the kitchen and
smelling the wonderful odors coming from the kitchen. He leaned back
in his chair and closed his eyes. Blair decided he’d smell exactly
what Jim was doing each time he heard something new going on. First,
Blair smelled the onions. There was no denying that. Blair could not
only smell them but he heard Jim’s sniffles telling him that it was a strong
onion at that. The next thing Blair heard was some chopping and he
could smell garlic and green pepper. Man, I wonder what he’s making?
Jim threw them all in the pan and Blair could smell them simmering.
Next came shrimp? When did we get shrimp? What in the world
is he making with shrimp? He smelled the broccoli cooking and the
carrots. Oh, I know what he’s making, it’s some kind of seafood
stir-fry. He heard Jim running water and placing it on the
stove to heat up and knew that Jim was going to cook rice before he added
it to the stir-fry. Jim's making one of my favorite dishes.
He’s such a good man.
If nothing else, this little experiment got his mind off the raindrops
outside his window. But then he glanced out there once more and he
was back under their spell. He watched as the rain began falling a little
bit harder each moment and before long he couldn’t really see out the window
anymore. And it wasn’t just the rain; he had unshed tears in his eyes
and couldn't see through those.
There was a soft knock at Blair’s door as Jim said, “Chief, you doing okay
in there? You’re awfully quiet.”
This made Blair even sadder to know that Jim knew when he was quiet.
The first tear slid down his face and before long, he started sobbing.
Jim didn’t wait for an answer. He opened the door and crouched down
to Blair’s level in the chair and said, “Tell me what’s wrong, Chief. Maybe
I could help.”
“Not to worry, Jim. It’s the weather. God, I hate rain.
It makes me so blue.”
“Chief, if you hate the rain, why do we live here?” Jim asked very seriously.
“Because I like it here. I know that makes no sense. Don’t
pay any attention to the man behind the Blair face. He’s an imposter.”
Smiling, Jim stood up and said, “Chief, if you want to talk to me about
anything, you know where I am. I’m making your favorite Seafood stir-fry.”
“Thanks, man. Things will be fine. I just need to think a few
things through. You’re the best friend a person could ever ask for.”
“Thanks, Chief. Okay, you know where I am if you need me.” Jim said
as he walked out of Blair’s room. He knew that something was really
wrong with his guide but he also knew he had to wait for Blair to come to
him. He really hoped it wasn’t time for Blair to move on. Jim
worried about that a lot lately. Blair was 30 years old now.
Kind of old for a roommate and a pain in the ass partner.
As Jim continued making dinner and started dessert, he suddenly thought
of something. He turned down things on the stove and walked upstairs
to his room with the cell phone. He called his friend that worked at
the academy.
“Bennett.”
“Hey, Bennett, this is Ellison. How're things at your end?”
“Now, Jim, I know damn well you didn’t call just to find out how I was.
What’s up?”
“Well, my roommate has been really quiet and he never wants to talk about
the academy, and I wondered if everything's going all right there.”
“First of all Jim, it’s none of your business. But as your friend
I’ll tell you it’s not easy for him. But he’s doing well. Acing all
of the courses. He’s a good man.”
“Thanks. So you think he’s all right?”
“Jim, why don’t you just ask him? Why are you calling me?”
“Ben, you act like you don’t want to hear from me.”
“Well, as a matter of fact, my wife isn’t really happy with you right this
moment.”
“Oh, man, sorry, Ben. Tell Mary that I’m really sorry.”
“Okay, take care Jim and I’ll talk to you next week. Bye.”
“Bye, Ben.” Jim hung up the phone and felt so stupid. Not only had
he just done something that he promised Blair he wouldn’t do but also he’d
interrupted Ben’s sex life. Geeze, this was putting Jim at an all-time
low. Shit, Ellison, what ya going to do for an encore?
Moving back down the stairs, he set the phone back in its cradle and listened
to Blair. He could still hear some nose blowing and sniffling.
Jim decided he wasn’t going to just let this drop. He’d be taking
his partner out for lunch on Monday and see what he could tell from that.
Once Jim got done with dinner, he set the table and called Blair.
Blair came out and they ate in virtual silence. Jim really hated the
silence when Blair was around. He loved the sound of Blair’s voice
and when he was quiet it almost scared Jim.
As they cleaned up the kitchen Blair finally looked up at Jim and said,
“I have to study, so I’ll just be in my room. If you need me you know
where I am, okay?”
“Sure, Chief.” Jim said as he walked and flopped down on the sofa lonely
and depressed. Well, tomorrow he’d find out what was going on at the
academy and they would deal with it when they came to it.
The morning was sunny, thankfully for Blair’s sake. He wasn’t certain
he could take much more of the damp, cold and rain. It was so fucking
depressing. Sandburg, you’re going to have to talk to Jim about this
one of these days. Not today, that’s for sure. Jim looks grouchy.
I don’t want to add to his problems. I’ll tell him one day. It’s
not going to make him happy to find out that his partner is getting picked
on daily. Shit, I feel like a child in grade school or something. Hell,
I’m not going to tell him at all. I know I promised but things will
work out better this way.
“Hey, Chief, you wanna move your ass before you make us both late?”
“So go. I have my own car. I can make it on my own.”
“I’m sorry. Come on, let’s get the lead out, Chief.” Jim said smiling his
devilish grin as they started out the front door.
Driving down the road Jim looked over at Blair and saw an odd look on Blair’s
face. Jim had never seen that look so wasn’t sure what it was.
“Hey, Chief, wanna meet at the cafeteria for lunch?”
“At the academy?” Blair asked heart speeding up like crazy.
“Yeah, at the academy. Where else, you doofus?”
“No, I already have plans today, Jim. Maybe another day, okay?
In fact, maybe tomorrow I’ll drive myself and meet you at the deli by the
station for lunch. How does that sound?”
“That’s fine, Blair. We’ll plan that then.” As Jim pulled up in front
of the academy he listened as Blair’s pulse picked up just being in the parking
lot. Something was up and Jim intended to find out what it was.
Even if it meant that he’d have to sneak around and listen in on people.
“Okay, see you tonight. Pick me up at around 6:00?”
“See you then, Chief. Have a good day.” As Blair slammed the door
shut Jim had no doubt that Blair’s days weren’t good, weren’t good at all,
and he had to find out why.
Jim drove to the station and walked into Major Crime with one intention.
He needed the day off. He was going to go and find out what was up with
his friend and partner. Knocking on Simon’s door, Jim opened it and said,
“Can I talk to you for a moment, sir?”
“Sure, come on in, Jim.” Simon said getting up to pour Jim a cup of his
newest flavored coffee. As he handed it to his finest detective he said,
“What’s on your mind, Ellison?”
“Could I possibly have the day off, Simon? I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t
important.”
“Sure, you have plenty of time saved and you’re caught up, so take a day.
Is everything all right?”
“I don’t know, sir. I’m going to do some checking at the academy
today. Something's wrong with Blair. I need to find out if it’s
something serious.”
“Good idea. I mean the kid seems to be okay, right?”
“Not really, no. He’s really depressed, Simon. I think he’s
unhappy. Maybe he hates having to carry a gun. Maybe he hates
the idea of being a cop but doesn’t know what else to do. Maybe he feels like
no one else would accept him.”
“Whoa, Jim. Slow down. Maybe you need to take a breath there
and just take it one step at a time. You’ve got yourself all worked
up into a tizzy and the day's just starting. Go. Take the day. Keep
me informed. He’s our friend, too.”
“Thanks, Simon. I’ll see you later on today.”
Jim took off for his truck and drove over to the academy. He showed
his ID once he got to the door and was allowed in. As he started down
the stairs to the locker room he could hear the talk.
Man 1: So Sandburg, what's your fag friend doing today?
Sandburg: I told you he’s not. Shut the fuck up and get away from
me.
Man 2: We all know he’s a fag, Sandburg. Why else would he be keeping
you around?
Man 1: Are you going to stand there and say that he doesn’t expect something
for rent?
Sandburg: Yeah, he expects me to pay my share. You assholes better
shut your fucking mouths.
Man 2: Oh, look at the big tough guy. Now do you go home and tell
Ellison that you suck cock here?
Sandburg: Shut up, you know that’s a fucking lie.
Man 3: I didn’t know he sucked cock.
Man 1: He not only sucks cock now but he likes it up the ass. Anyone
want to try?
Man 2: Look; the fag looks like he’s going to start crying.
Sandburg: You guys are so fucking wrong. Why are you doing this?
Man 1: Because we know that you suck Bennett’s cock. We saw you.
Sandburg: That’s a fucking lie. I’ve never sucked cock in my life.
And even if I did, I wouldn’t do it at a police academy. Do I look that
stupid?
Man 2: Actually, yes. You’re still here even though you know we all
know what you are. You’re a piece of shit. Ellison needs his fucking
boy toy while on duty. We know why they made special allowances for
you. We all know, Sandburg.
Man 3: I didn’t know Bennett was gay. I thought he had a family.
Man 1: He isn’t gay, you idiot, he just likes a blowjob and as long as
Sandburg does that for him, he can stay in.
Sandburg: Take that back, you asshole. You know that’s a fucking lie.
Jim heard them all holding on to someone and Blair said, “You’re going
to fucking regret this.”
Man 1: We'll never regret it, Sandburg. We do this to you every day
and every day you come back for it. You’re showing us you like being
blown, too.
Sandburg: Leave my clothes alone. Get that fucking piece of plastic
away from me, you assholes. I swear to god, I’ll tell this time.
I mean it.
Jim heard Blair putting up a fight but having three or more men holding
you down wasn’t easy.
Man 2: We like to watch you while this thing sucks your cock dry.
Man 3: You do this every day? Cool.
Jim walked into the locker room with unshed tears in his eyes and screamed,
“Get the fuck away from him. Now!”
Everyone jumped and moved away from Sandburg. Jim took the contraption
off of Blair’s cock and threw it against the wall smashing it into pieces.
Then he pushed Blair’s cock back into his pants and zipped his pants up.
Blair was on the verge of tears and Jim knew it. So was Jim.
“I want all of your names, right now.” Jim pulled out his notebook
and started writing down their names and put the notebook back in his pocket.
“What ya gonna do, fag, go in there and tell them that he doesn’t suck
cock for rent?” As Jim went to punch the guy, Blair grabbed his arm and said,
“Come on, Jim. We need to get out of here.”
Jim shoved Blair out of the locker room a little more forcefully than necessary
and they made their way up to Bennett’s office. Blair looked at Jim
pleadingly and said, “Please, don’t make me tell him anything, Jim.
Please?”
“Chief, don’t worry. You don’t have to say a fucking word. Just stay
here I’ll be right back.”
As Jim walked into Bennett’s office, Blair knew that Jim was more pissed
off then he’d ever seen him. God, he hates me even more now.
Blair stood against the wall and waited for Jim. After about 30 minutes
he decided to just go and wait in the truck. As he was heading for
the truck two guys stopped him and said, “Hey, want to give me a blow job?”
laughing as they walked off.
Blair sat in the truck waiting for Jim. After two hours, Blair decided
that he’d walk home. This was bullshit. Jim couldn’t take care
of everything. Blair started walking. He got to the bus stop and
took a bus to the loft. He knew he’d better pack and get ready to move
on. It was time. Jim really didn’t need him anymore. Plus,
after the way that Jim looked at him today, he didn’t want to have him ever
look at him again.
As the bus sped up the road, the rain started and Blair thought to himself,
this is fucking perfect. It had to rain. I could almost handle things
until the rain. I can’t do this any more. And having said
this to himself, he pulled the cord for his stop and cried all the way to
the loft.
Jim left Bennett’s office feeling somewhat better about things. He
knew that Ben would see to it that those guys were taken care of and taken
care of right. Now he had to deal with Blair. My god, how long
had this been going on? Ben told Jim they’d bring charges against
the idiot with the contraption that was attached to Blair when he came walking
in. He knew that Blair wouldn’t press charges but Ben said it didn’t
matter. He’d still charge him and his buddies. Then they’d see
how tough they were when they couldn’t get a job at Burger King. Sexual
Misconduct is not something to have on your record and these guys were going
to have it forever.
Jim glanced down at his watch and realized how long he’d been in there.
He wasn’t surprised when Blair wasn’t in the truck. He knew he probably
took a bus home. Jim wanted to get right home to him but first he needed
to stop off and talk to Simon.
When Jim got to the bullpen, Simon said, “Jim, you wanna come in here and
tell me what’s going on?”
“Sure, sir.” Jim said coldly.
“Okay, stop with the sir shit. What the hell happened? Bennett
said that Blair had been sexually attacked for some time. Why didn’t
he tell you? Why didn’t he tell someone?”
“Sir, would you tell anyone?”
“Jim, that’s a question, not an answer. Now, you want to tell me what happened?”
So Jim sat down and told Simon the whole thing. When he was done
he looked up at Simon to gauge his feelings from his look. Simon looked
ashamed and Jim felt himself getting mad as hell.
“He didn’t ask for it, Simon. You have no right to be pissed off
at him.”
“Jim, I’m pissed at those fucking assholes who did this to one of the finest
men I know. I can’t believe you think I’d think that about Blair.”
“I’m sorry, Simon. I’m a little on edge. Right now, I know
he’s home packing. How much you want to make a bet?”
“So call him, Jim. Tell him you’re on your way.”
“Simon, I don’t want to set him off. He might bolt and I want to
talk to him. You should've seen him when I was there. He wanted
to die. No wonder he’s been so fucking depressed. Now I understand.”
“Well, get out of here. Go and talk to your partner.”
“Sir, I’m here to give my notice. I’ll give you a month and then
I’m out of here.”
“Jim, don’t be crazy. What the hell are you going to do?”
“Blair and I can open up a PI Agency. We’ve even talked about it
from time to time but Blair always gave in to the cop stuff.”
“Go and do what you have to do Jim. Sandburg's more important than anything,
so go.”
“Thanks, Simon. We’ll talk to you later.”
Rafe stuck his head in the door and said, “Sandburg's on the line for you,
Captain.”
“Thanks, Rafe.” Simon said as he picked up the phone. “Sandburg?”
“Captain, I didn’t want to leave town without telling you goodbye and please
tell Daryl that I’ll miss him and hope to see him someday.”
“Wait a minute. What're you talking about, Sandburg?”
“You’ll know soon enough, sir, and I don’t want the embarrassment to spread
through the bullpen. It’s bad enough that Jim had to witness my shame.”
“Wait a minute. Don’t you think that maybe you should give Jim a
say in this.”
“He’s my best friend, Simon. Of course, he’ll say something nice
but I saw the look on his face. He’ll never forgive me.”
Jim motioned to Simon and whispered, “Keep him on the phone.”
Simon nodded his head and said, “Well, I still think that you’re selling
Jim short and how about me, do you want to tell me what happened?”
“Not really, sir. I know that Jim told you to keep me on the phone
but it’s too late. I’ll be gone by the time he gets here. He’ll
be better off without me.”
“Sandburg, wait a damn minute. You mean to tell me that my best detective
just quit and you’re not hanging around?”
“What do you mean he quit?”
“You’ve been to college, I think you know what quit means.”
“Sir, what the hell's going on? Where's Jim?”
“Slow down. He’s on his way home. He gave his notice.
He’s fed up with the PD and wants to start his own business with you. Now
does this sound like a man that never wants to look at you again?”
Simon could hear the small catches in Blair’s breathing and knew that he
was on the edge of tears. “Sandburg, just calm down and wait for Jim.
Okay? He needs to see you and talk to you.”
“All right, I’ll wait for him. I hear his key in the door now. I’ll
talk to you later, Simon. Thanks.”
Blair hung up the phone and sat down on the sofa. He knew that his
heartbeat was wild and erratic but didn’t really care. Blair was scared
to death. Why would Jim quit his job? Why would he do something like
that for me?
Jim walked through the front door and threw his jacket on the floor not
even trying to hang it up. He walked over to the sofa and sat down next
to Blair and took him in his arms. Blair could feel Jim shaking and
wondered why. Then, suddenly, Blair realized that Jim was crying.
Jim never cries... why's he crying? “Jim, man what’s wrong? Why are
you crying?”
“Because I love you and you didn’t come to me when this was going on.
Because I love you and we didn’t try something different instead of this road.
Because I love you and they hurt you. Because I love you and they hurt me,
too. Because I love you.”
Blair pulled Jim’s face up to where he could see him and said, “You love
me?”
“Yeah, I love you. I’m so sorry, Blair. God, I’m so fucking
sorry.” Jim started crying again. Blair held him tight and said, “Jim,
I love you too. I love you so much.”
Blair leaned back into the sofa with Jim’s body on top of him and said,
“Jim, just rest and when we wake up we’ll talk about what’s going on here.”
“Nothing to talk about, Chief. I’m leaving and starting my own business.
I’ve always wanted to. I was just too chicken shit to try. I’m
always afraid I’ll fail. But I listened to what they were saying to
you today and I figured I’m the biggest chicken shit in the world and it’s
time to get beyond that. I hated them so much. I honest to god
wanted to kill them, Blair. I want to still.”
“Well, don’t do that, Jim, 'cuz I am so not into the idea of being someone’s
bitch in jail.”
Jim snorted into Blair’s shoulder. Then he started laughing. “Chief,
why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to be your partner, Jim. I wanted that more than anything
else.”
Jim started kissing Blair’s neck and asked, “Partners in all things, right?”
“Right.” Blair answered moving his neck up so that Jim could kiss him even
more.
“Wanna take this upstairs, Chief?”
“Sure, you lead, I’ll follow you anywhere. You should know that by now.”
“The feeling's mutual, Chief. So from now on we talk about things,
do you understand?”
“Yes, Jim, I understand. Now can we go upstairs?”
“You betcha.” Jim said smiling and pulling Blair by the hand. Both
men had red rimmed eyes but both saw past that to the love shining through
that was apparent to both.
The phone rang as they were heading for the staircase and it was Bennett.
Jim picked it up and said, “Ellison.”
“Hey, Jim, Just wanted to let you know that we suspended all of those involved.
They’ll never be able to get a job with the state, city or county and they’ll
be brought up on charges of 'conduct unbecoming to an officer' even though
they aren’t yet. They’re in training and this won’t stop there.
We hope to get more charges pressed. These fuckers deserve to pay and
I’ll make sure it’s done right. Will you tell Sandburg for me?”
“Yeah, I’ll tell him. I’ll tell him tonight. Thanks for letting
me know, Ben.”
“Take good care of him, Jim. He’s a good man and didn’t deserve the
shit they gave him.”
“I will, Ben. Thanks again. Talk to you later. Bye.”
Jim said hanging up the phone. He looked over at Blair who was now
sitting on one of the stairs.
“That was Bennett from the academy. He wanted us to know that all
charges are going as planned. All three men have been kicked out and
won’t be able to work for City, County or State ever again. He just wanted
me to tell you that he wasn’t going to forget about it.”
Jim glanced at Blair and saw him staring out the balcony door. The
rain was starting again and Jim knew that meant the depression again.
Blair didn’t need that. “Chief, want to just go upstairs, lie in bed
with me and talk? We have the rest of our lives for other things.”
Blair looked over and said, “Jim, why's it always raining?”
“Blair, come on, come up with me. I’ll hold you and make you forget
that it’s raining. Besides, it’s not always raining. ”
Blair got up, started up the stairs, looked back and said, “Jim, I don’t
think I could do anything if I wanted to. I’m really upset.”
“With good reason, Chief. We’ll just hold each other. I love
you and I want to show you how much by just holding you all night long.
I don’t want you to ever leave me, Chief.”
Once upstairs, lying naked in bed, they held each other. There was
nothing sexual about it at all. Just lovers trying to make the other
feel his strength. They both needed it. When the sun went down,
the rain was still falling in soft, almost silent, drops. But when Blair
woke up in the morning the sun was shining through the loft window.
Jim was right; it doesn’t always rain. And even if it did, it wouldn’t
be as bad having Jim to help him deal with it. They’d take care of all
of this when they needed to. For right now, Blair just wanted to be
held by Jim. Jim woke up and pulled him into his arms and did just that.
Blair looked over and saw the tears falling from Jim’s eyes and said, “Jim,
why are you crying?”
“Because it’s not raining. I told you it doesn’t always rain but
I was just saying that. Last night I felt like the rain would always be there
but it’s not. Things will get better. I love you, Chief.”
“I love you, too, Jim.”
As Blair curled into Jim’s embrace, he realized he didn’t mind the rain
near as much as he once did. Things would be fine even if it always
rains.
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